Saul

by Frances June

  "This is an open investigation and, therefore, not something I can talk about with you, Ashton, now back off before I have to use this." Jack's hand was gripping the top of his holstered gun. I had no doubt he'd use it if he had to, God knows I would if Ash came at me.

  We were at an impasse. I understood why Jack hadn't told us but at the same time my anger was on the rise.

  "We shouldn't have come here." I walked away from my brothers for the second time and brushed past Jack who looked and smelt like hell.

  "Finally, someone with sense. I'd recommend you both take a leaf out of Saul’s book and drop this."

  *

  Jack's parting words lingered in my mind. I could hear him as I pounded down the street. The day was turning into a good one, finally. The sun was out which made the walk down the waterfront bearable.

  "Wait up!" Benji yelled as he ran after me.

  "No Ash? Did Jack shoot him?" I smiled in spite of myself. Now that would have been sweet. Not killed, but impaired or maimed slightly. Just enough to teach him a lesson.

  "He had somewhere else to be," He fell into step beside me. I couldn't remember the last time we'd been alone together. "that was some real shit back there, huh?"

  My response wasn't quick or very eloquent but that's life.

  "Yep."

  Every time I thought about Billy I cringed inside. The anger of injustice, of thinking of what he could have been feeling and thinking when it happened tore me up and that was before Ash had led us into that room. It was death and torture and it was wrong.

  I'd never be able to sleep with that image burned into my mind's eye and, even worse, I was going to have to tell Morgan which was headache inducing.

  "You'll help us, right?" Benji was still ghost-white. Violence wasn't his thing, it was mine. To him that place was the worst thing he'd probably seen in his life. Sadly, for me, it was just another day on the job. Or it used to be.

  I thought I couldn't feel any worse but that realisation made me hate myself. Really hate myself.

  We stopped walking when we reached the parking lot that led back to the street before the highway.

  "Look, I don't know what you're expecting from me but whatever it is the answer is most probably no." I reached for a cigarette but found the packet empty; my stress levels rose a few degrees. "I'm still out. This doesn't change things, if anything it makes me realise my decision to leave was the best one I could have made."

  Benji lit his own cigarette but didn't offer one to me, which I understood but I still felt pissed about it.

  "You're right, of course you are; Saul the righteous. Looking out for number one and forget about the rest of us." He spat at the ground at my feet. "You think that you made the right choice because you're not the one who was brutally murdered? C'mon, you have to hear how messed up that is?"

  I did but it didn't change things. Monroe had taught us to stick together but he's also taught us the most valuable lesson of all; get out when you can. Monroe left us when he knew he was in trouble. He never told me with who or why but he told me he couldn't stay and I respected just as much as I hated him for it.

  "You can hate me all you want, that's your decision. And this is mine." I saw a cab idling by the roadside like they'd just dropped off a fare at the marina. The timing was perfect, which surely proved there was an almighty power and he wanted me to get the fuck out of here.

  "He called me, y'know? Right before he got killed." Benji called after me as I opened the cab door. "He said he found something that was going to change our lives, he said he thought it would make you come home and he was happy about It."

  For a second I wanted to go back. I wanted to pull Benji into a hug, give him as much cash as I could, and tell him to leave the city and start over. I wanted him to have a life where murder wasn't a possibility. I wanted him to know that there were people out there who didn't have to steal and con their way through life but I didn't think he'd listen.

  Instead of that I got into the car and told the driver to take me back into the city.

  Try as I might I couldn't stop from thinking about everything. Billy's death was brutal and wrong but he'd gotten into something way over his head; that was his own doing. Jack was right, this was police business and there was nothing we could do that he couldn't.

  The rest of the day passed in a blur. I went to the gym and punched the living daylights out of the old bag that hung in the corner. I must have looked like I was possessed by the devil himself because not one of the guys working out came to talk like they normally did.

  When I got home Morgan still wasn't there so I made myself a drink and looked at the picture of the chair, symbols and foreign words that filled me with a sense of foreboding despite having no idea what they said. It was probably because they were written in blood. No doubt Billy's.

  The buzzer shocked me out of the trance I'd fallen into. When I looked at the clock and saw I'd lost an hour staring at the photo of the last thing Billy had seen.

  "Shit." I got up to see who was at the door, the little screen was black and white and grainy, like the building hadn't been updated since the ‘50s which was probably true.

  "Anybody home?" Liev peered into the camera and smiled like he was having yet another mug shot taken.

  I contemplated ignoring him, my finger hovered above the button that would unlock the door. Before I could stop myself I hit it, buzzing him up. My ability to keep them out of my life was waning.

  "This is the last time." I had always felt like saying things out loud made them the truth, like a promise to the universe or something. I was yet to see any proof that it worked but it was worth a try. "I will keep my cool. I can be calm."

  Whilst I waited for him to climb the stairs I checked my phone.

  In the hour that I'd zoned out I had three missed calls from an unknown number, a text from Morgan saying she was going to be late and a few dozen texts from Ash telling me I was a dick, among other things.

  "Still scared of elevators?" I opened the door to find my brother pink in the face and out of breath.

  It was one of Liev's many strange fears. He also had a thing about cats which was a source of great amusement when we were kids.

  "It's not irrational, they can literally kill you. It happens every day." He walked past me and stood in the center of the living room, taking it all in.

  This was the first time any of my brothers had been to my apartment. I'd moved here because it was close to my job and far enough away from their usual haunts that I wouldn't run into them by mistake. When I'd text Ash my address this morning he must have sent it to everyone.

  Moving again was going to be a pain in the ass but I mentally told myself it was imperative.

  "Nice place, so you just had to step over six brothers to get it?" He dropped into the leather armchair I'd found at the market the year before before picking up a framed picture of me and Morgan from the Fourth of July party we'd had at the bar. "It just gets better and better."

  Rising to the bait was what he wanted so I counted to the usual ten and reminded myself of the most important thing; getting him and the others out of my life. Again.

  "Not that I'm not super happy that you've found out where I live, invited yourself over in the middle of the night and insulted me and Morgan within the space of two minutes but what do you want?" My inner fighter was itching to plant a punch right in his face but I held back.

  Liev was, for lack of a better word, dumb. He was a petty thief but unlike Billy he didn't get involved in schemes and dodgy deals - he got his hands dirty by breaking and entering, shop lifting and screwing his friends over. He had a severe case of sticky fingers that had landed him in jail for six months when he was eighteen and from then on he acted like some hardened criminal rather than what he really was; a screw up kid who'd been bailed out by his foster parent who happened to be a man of the cloth. That kind of thing really swayed a judge's opinion.

  "Have you talked to Matt?" He put the picture ba
ck onto the coffee table and fixed me with one of his penetrating stares that would be intimidating if I didn't know him so well.

  "Why would I have talked to Matt? I'm trying not to talk to any of you." It was a low blow but it was the truth. "When was the last time you slept or ate?"

  Damn my stupid conscience. His thin frame and heavy eyes worried me more than I'd like.

  He shifted in the chair and looked away, letting me see the hollow in his cheeks and the stubble that grew in patches like he'd not had a proper shave with a razor in a week or two. I noticed his clothes didn't fit him like they should and he wasn't wearing nearly enough layers for a winter in New York either.

  "Are you on the streets again?" I dragged my hand across my face, hating how my heart hurt for him.

  "Don't worry about me, I have a place to go." The look in his eyes told me he was lying.

  "Let me make you some food."

  We went to the kitchen and I managed to put together a half decent sandwich despite having no skills in the kitchen whatsoever.

  I watched as he ate it with the vigor of a character from Oliver Twist. Leaving him to guzzle a can of Coke and eat some of the cookies Morgan thought she had hidden from me in a jar of dried noodles I went to my closet and pulled out an extra sweater and gloves. When I went back to the kitchen he looked like he'd gained several pounds. He had the look of someone in recovery, I used to see it in the mirror every day.

  "Tell me you're not using again."

  When he had been released from jail he'd fallen in with a crowd he'd met on the inside. At first he was stealing to fund his criminalistic fantasies; his ideals about how life should benefit those who take what they want. Before long, though, he was stealing to buy dope and then he moved onto the harder stuff. I'd only ever seen two other people completely succumb to their inner-most demons and they both lived in this apartment.

  "I'm not, I swear. This whole thing with Billy though... Man, it’s just got me on the ropes..." He looked anywhere but at me which made me think he was lying about something but I wasn't in the right frame of mind to probe for more and clearly, neither was he.

  "What's that you're working on?" He motioned to where I'd been sitting. Avoiding the truth was something we had in common as a family.

  "Oh, nothing. I didn't even notice I'd done that." I slid the paper away from him before he could get a better look. There was a small part of me who couldn't trust anyone anymore, only Morgan.

  When I'd zoned out I'd managed to sketch the symbols from the boat house; I didn't even remember getting the pen and paper. I was exhausted.

  "Why are you looking for Matt?" I needed to move this on. If Morgan was coming home soon the last thing she needed was to see someone from the past she was trying to forget.

  "I just heard from Joel who worked with Steven who said that Matt and Luke were asking a lot of questions about what had happened to Billy... I don't like Luke taking Matt under his wing so much, I mean I love him but he's bad news." The sincerity in Liev's eyes made me laugh out loud.

  A few seconds later we were laughing together like old times and my brain felt like it was going to melt. I had this sense of déjà vu. If he hadn't been dead I could have sworn that was Billy's cue to come in carrying some pizza and a six pack of beer he'd been 'given' by 'friends'.

  "What's wrong with that?" Not that I didn't care but Luke and Matt doing their own recon really wasn't the last thing I'd expected. We'd always fallen into the same routine of divide and conquer.

  "I dunno," He looked genuinely worried about something but he was holding back. "I just don't like that Luke told Ash to leave it to the cops and now he's sniffing around. He's got an angle-"

  "Luke's always got an angle. Just stay outta his way... Are you sure you got somewhere to go?" Even if he said no I wouldn't be able to offer him shelter. I couldn't. It was a step back in my recovery. I had to be selfish.

  "Nah man, I'm fine. You gonna help Ash and Benji, then? You guys always did stick together, even when Father M left, you guys did your thing..."

  Liev had always been the most sensitive and took everything personally, it was a button we'd all pushed. Looking back I knew we'd basically bullied him and even now it was like he was still stuck in the old dynamic. I guess we all were.

  "You're not exempt from the gang, it's not like it's all that exclusive," I walked him to the door and tried to be brotherly by patting him on the back. He was bony as hell and I hit sharp, jutting, shoulder blades. I winced and reminded myself of why I couldn't go back. "You should take a break, maybe get out of town for a while. Try a different life?"

  It was a long shot but if I could do this one thing for Liev maybe it would make up for Billy's death somehow. Karma and everything.

  "And no. I'm not going to get involved. Jack says he's on it so I trust him to do his job. There's nothing we can do that he can't."

  He looked at me like he wasn't sure I was joking. When I didn't laugh he got this look in his eye like I'd confirmed whatever beliefs he had.

  I counted to ten.

  Just before he hit the stairs he turned back. I knew the words before they were even out of his mouth.

  "Hey, can I borrow some money? Just until I get a job?" He had already drowned himself in my sweater and buried his hands in the gloves but he still couldn’t help himself.

  With a flick of my wrist I threw him two hundred dollars which I'd already liberated from my little savings pot by the fridge.

  "Stay safe, bro." I waved him off as he trundled back down the empty echoing stairwell hardly anyone ever used. I heard him whistling as he descended.

  Before I could take two steps from the door there was a sharp double knock. I groaned; I just wanted to sleep but the night had other plans.

  Looking through the view hole I let my head hit the wooden door with a thud.

  "You have to be fucking kidding me." My heart hammered at the prospects that ran through my mind. A million scenarios played out; none of them ended well.

  Another knock and I looked through the hole again. She looked different than before for a reason I couldn't discern from the small fish-eye view I had. It must have been obvious I was watching her because she looked up at me with big starry eyes and a downturned mouth that was painted red.

  "I know you're there." She sounded like she had a cold and when she peered directly towards the circle of glass I was why she looked so different. It wasn't red lipstick she was wearing but blood. Her lip was split and from the looks of it she had a pretty nasty black eye to match.

  I hesitated for only a second before I unlatched the door and she barged inside with a force that scared me.

  Chapter Six

  "N o, no, no, you can not be here!" There was nothing I could do to stop Chastity from blazing straight past me.

  She walked right to the living room; brown paper bag in hand which was hiding what looked like a bottle of whiskey. Great.

  "I just - I needed... can I just stay here for a while?" She was bleary eyed like she'd been trying to cry her makeup off. It had partially worked and black streaks ran down her face, making her black eye look more bruised than it might have been.

  "No! For one I don't even know you and for two my girlfriend will literally kill you right after she kills me. You have to go." I opened the front door with a prayer that she might recognise that this is bat-shit crazy.

  "I didn't know you had a girlfriend." She sniffed and took a swig of the brown bag. Her face was puffy and blotchy and her lip was definitely bleeding now.

  "Yes, you did." I knew her type intimately. "You had my wallet, you would have seen the picture inside."

  Most people looked away when they were caught in a lie but not her. Chastity actually stared me down. For a moment I was scared she was going to flip and murder me, instead a small smile turned the corners of her mouth up which made me want to kick myself because right then I couldn’t stop from thinking how pretty she was underneath it all.

  "I just need to la
y low for a while..." She didn't take the hint. She was going to make this difficult. "This is a really nice place you have - considering your only source of income is a bar and a salon, just how do you afford this place?" She was looking around but I didn't miss the way her body language had shifted to the girl on the street; the one who was a survivalist.

  Explaining my financial situation was the last thing I wanted to do with her and I didn't miss the comment about the salon. If I didn’t know any better I'd say it was a threat but it was too early to tell. I might have just been too tired and old habits, etcetera.

  "Let me get you something for your lip."

  I walked to the kitchen and she followed. I could feel her eyes touching everything I owned like she was cataloging my life. This was my home, this was my new life. A familiar anger burned up in my throat at yet another person trespassing in it.

  I handed her a bag of frozen blueberries to her and she pressed it to her lip, wincing when the iciness touched the swelling.

  "Not that I'm offering but do you need me to sort this out for you?" I wasn't one to resort to violence anymore but if there was one thing I couldn't stand by and watch it was someone beating on a woman. A girl, really.

  "It's nothing, just a misunderstanding," She said from behind the berries. She'd perched on the edge of the counter, letting her leather clad legs dangle. They seemed too long for her body, like she was still in the midst of a growth spurt. "Besides, I don't think you could take him."

  It seemed to me like she was goading me but the look in her eyes made me second guess myself. She looked genuinely scared of whoever had smacked her around.

  "I'm sure he's a really tough guy." There was no point in telling her I used to be the guy people were scared of in this city. That I was the guy people called in when the first person they hired didn't finish the job. That I'd broken more bones than Elvis had broken hearts. "Wanna tell me his name?"

  Chastity shook her head and sighed.

  "This is nothing, really. Don't worry about me." She smiled and it was beautiful and flawed all at the same time.