Nobody

by Tiana Laveen

  “That’s true, you can’t,” Tripp spoke up. “But you can’t stay in the past, either.”

  “You’re right. It’s easier said than done, Tripp, but I can’t argue with that. I told Mom on the phone that I wouldn’t delve into the past tonight, that I didn’t want to discuss it, but I shouldn’t have said that. If we don’t talk about the past, we’re destined to repeat it. I don’t… I don’t want that for me.” He sighed. “I don’t want that for us. Sometimes you have to address the past before you can move on, so here I am, doing that.”

  “Good, because I’d like to go back to something you said,” his father stated sternly.

  “All right, what?”

  “You spoke about covert racism. You’ve never exemplified that, Kane! This sounds like White guilt, quite honestly.”

  Mom nodded in agreement.

  “What I mean, Dad, is that I had ideas in my head I didn’t even know were racist… Like believing that Blacks committed more crimes than Whites because they were naturally more violent. It’s much deeper than that. I didn’t understand that all of those trips we made to impoverished countries while working for the church, in some way made me feel superior. Without my beliefs and the way I saw God and worshiped Him, I believed those people we were helping would be lost. That simply wasn’t true! Their lack of faith in my religion wasn’t what made them poor. Greed from their corrupt governments made them poor! The color of their skin, their spiritual beliefs, the way they dressed, none of that had anything to do it. I grew up believing that whenever anything bad happened to good Christian White people, it was someone else’s fault. Blame it on the Devil, Satan sure is busy or God’s will. When something happened to Black people, it was something they had done wrong and brought on themselves. A prime example is when we’d see a Black guy get pulled over by the police on the news.

  “We automatically thought, ‘If he’d just done as he was told, he wouldn’t have gotten shot.’ We blamed the victim! He shouldn’t have been pulled over in the first place; that was the entire point. His rights were being violated and we’re upset about our guns possibly being taken away, saying it’s our right to keep and bear arms. Well, it’s his right to not be pulled over for fake charges! That… that’s not right!” His mother opened her mouth to respond but his father motioned for her to keep quiet. “I’d like to get back on track though with what I was sayin’ earlier.”

  “After Lamont’s death, I was suffering in such an extreme way, you would have had to literally been inside my head to understand the level of anxiety I had. Why is it that people can sympathize with guys comin’ back from war and having PTSD, but not acknowledge that what I endured was a form of PTSD, too? This was my friend! My brother! Not by blood, but by God!” His voice shook. “We shared together, broke bread together. We’d been through everything together, shit you all would never know about. Mom and Dad, you were fine with Lamont and a few of my other Black friends but you seemed to get scared when you felt like there were too many.”

  “That’s not true, Kane.” His father had steel in his eyes.

  “It felt true to me. He sensed it; we all did. You didn’t like that I was hanging with his friends he’d known from high school. You didn’t like the neighborhoods I was driving to because they were Black neighborhoods. You didn’t like the music I was listening to. You hit the roof when you found out I was moonlighting at parties by deejaying. You even blamed Lamont when you found out I smoked weed sometimes. I was smokin’ weed in high school with my White classmates and friends! I didn’t even know Lamont back then. If anything, I introduced him to it, not the other way around. Mom and Dad, I felt like…” He lifted his hands before him, palms up. “I felt like I could never make you happy. The more I discovered myself, the angrier you became.

  “You didn’t appreciate it when I told you I didn’t want to marry Katie. You got pissed when I said I wanted to start my own car business doing consultations for design work, things like that. I went to college to run my own ship, not Dad’s. You wanted me to give up my dreams to fuel your own!”

  “I’ve heard enough of this shit!” Dad spat. “We’ve sat here and let you sling mud at us. We walked on eggshells when you went crazy! We tried to be supportive, but then you just upped and left!”

  “To get away from you!” Mom’s eyes sheened over. “I’m not getting into any debates with you two. You’ve made yourselves quite clear over the years. Ya think this has been easy for me?” He pointed at his chest. “You think coming to the realization that I had to love you from a distance was a happy moment in time? Look how close we used to be! I lost my damn sisters and brothers because of this!” Their faces read shock, sadness, anger… “I barely got to talk to Tripp after I moved and he and I were the closest. All because he was tired of y’all picking him apart every time he’d talk to me, guilting him and then begging for the information! I had to stop putting him in that position so I just quit calling all together.”

  His brother lowered his gaze.

  “Kane, you said you wanted to run the company. So now we’re supposed to be mind readers and know when you change your view or attitude on something?” Dad threw up his hands.

  “No, I never wanted what you two wanted, and I never wished to take over your detailing company. I asked you to teach me everything you knew; you made the assumption that suited you. I just loved being with you, Dad. It was the only time we shared together, besides at church, because you worked so much and yeah, my love of cars came from you. I love you even more for that. I know I’m the black sheep, I get it. Some made jokes that it’s a middle child thing, but this is waaaaay beyond that. Me being a middle child has little to do with the way I was dismissed and treated poorly when I began to lose my mind.”

  “We did not treat you poorly!” Mom shouted.

  “You told me it was my fault! God was not punishing me, Mom! He was loving me!” His eyes glazed as he jumped to his feet. Hands fisted, his chest heaving, he let his emotions pour. “God was protecting me! The guilt… the shame, it was killin’ me! I had to put up a wall, literally, to get myself together. That went too far, and I ended up living in fear. I associated that car ride when Lamont died as being the reason for it all. Being outside, in the open like that. My natural love of nature died right with him… I damn sure no longer loved myself. I hated myself! I hated every part of me…”

  Everyone drew quiet. He stared at the flames, and took deep breaths.

  “What do you want us to do now, Kane?” Tripp asked, sounding exhausted. “Some of this stuff I never knew you felt. I… I just want to make things right. I want to be a part of your life and you be a part of mine… all of our lives.”

  “We can’t undo it, Tripp. We can’t go back in time and fix it. Lord knows if we could, I’d change a few choices I’ve made, but it’s done now. All I want to do,” he said, emphasizing his words by slamming his hand into his palm, in a chopping motion, “Is have a good relationship with my parents, be a great uncle to my nieces and nephews, and be a brother my younger sister and brother can be proud of.” He shot Owen and Olivia a glance. “I also want to be the younger brother Taylor and Tripp can rely on!”

  “Please move back to Dallas with us, Kane!” Olivia pleaded. “We’ve all made mistakes. Let’s just start over. I agree with you. The past is the past. Let’s just move forward.” Tears streamed down her cheeks.

  “Olivia, I’m not moving back to Dallas. This is my life here now. I want to stay.” She looked downright heartbroken. “I can’t leave because I like it here. I’ve revamped my company and it’s doing well and I’m… I’m getting married in December.”

  Mom, Dad, and his sister’s eyes practically bucked out of their heads. His brothers shot each other a glance, and Tripp was definitely smirking.

  “Kane, you said you had a girlfriend. You never mentioned being engaged.” Confusion registered in Mom’s eyes.

  “Well, I am. Her name is Jessica… wonderful woman. So, I hope I’ve explained why I’m sta
ying put and why I feel the way I do.” Tripp nodded in understanding. “You can do what you want with what I’ve told you, but it was time for someone to be honest, namely me. I can’t accept love with contingencies and I can’t expect you to be anything other than who you are. But I’ve got boundaries. I love you all, period. Doesn’t mean I like everything you’ve said or done, but I understand that if you love someone, truly love them, you don’t want to do them any harm, at least not intentionally.”

  “You think we tried to hurt you intentionally, Kane? Never… never…” Dad shook his head and placed his head in his hands. He’d never seen his father so emotional, shaken up.

  “Sometimes I think we just get caught up in patterns, Dad. We’re so used to handling certain things in a certain way, anything that deviates from this way feels wrong. You may be stuck in your ways because your line of thinking has been years in the making, but please understand, this isn’t an attack on either of you. I love you both so much, there are things about each of you that I cherish. I don’t think you’re horrible parents. I don’t think I’m the perfect son. I think we’re just different… We see the world in different ways, too, and that makes life hard sometimes. This is just an explanation of why in part I went the direction I did, and what I am currently doing about it. At the end of the day, I’m responsible for my own life. No one else’s.”

  Dad’s cell phone rang. He turned it off and slid it into his pants pocket.

  “Well, uh, it’s late. We better head to the hotel.” He got to his feet and his mother and siblings followed suit. “So, uh, we’re still doing breakfast?” Dad asked, batting back tears, clearly disturbed by the conversation.

  “Yes. I’ll call you in the morning. I’m bringing Jessica so you can meet her.”

  His father nodded then helped his mother with her coat. He gave everyone hugs. then they said their farewells and headed out the door. After he closed and locked it, he processed everything that had happened. His chest and ribs felt tight. Taking several deep breaths, he made his way to the kitchen to fix some coffee. As he prepared it, his cell phone rang. He grabbed it on the second ring.

  “Hello, baby.” He picked a packet of sugar from a clear apple-shaped bowl.

  “Everything going okay?”

  “They came early and just left.”

  “You sound tired.”

  “I am…” He smiled sadly. “Come over and spend the night. I need you next to me, ASAP…”

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Say a Little Prayer For Me

  In a snow white blazer, matching pants, and low heels, the contrast with her silky black skin made the woman so striking. Jessica floated in like ivory feathers dipped in the ebony tears of newborn angels. If Kane ever had any doubts, this woman’s existence in the world proved to him that God was real. Her hair was pulled back in a sleek bun with a pearl barrette, matching pearl earrings and a bracelet. Nails painted a pale pink, lips sheer and glossy, she smiled as she approached him and his family at the large circular booth at the restaurant.

  “Hi! I’m Jessica.” She shook everyone’s hands, looking every inch the confident woman.

  Kane didn’t pay much attention to his family’s reaction; he was still stuck on how damn stunning she looked. Her rich perfume blended with the smell of fresh coffee, fried bacon, hot eggs, pancakes and cheesy grits.

  “Hello, Jessica. Nice to meet you…” The words coming from his parents and siblings tumbled over the ruckus and chatter in the busy eatery. Kane got to his feet, caught her by the waist and gave her a kiss. He scooted over, allowing her to sit beside him. Gliding his hand over the glossy cover of the menu, he chanced a look at his family. Mom was unreadable. Dad was staring at Jessica as if a ghost had joined them for a taste of his orange juice. Olivia and Tripp were back to reading their menus and Owen was texting his wife. Taylor’s eyes were glued to Jessica’s engagement ring, and he was clearly trying to suppress the urge to burst out laughing. Wasn’t this just rich?!

  “Oh, uh, so Jessica… Kane tells us you’re a postal worker?” Mom questioned.

  “Yes, I am!” Jessica placed her menu down and clasped her hands. “I also just accepted a job as a part time operations manager in Amazon’s shipping department, running one of their warehouses. It will eventually lead to a full time position, according to the manager that hired me, and if all goes well, I will leave the post office before the end of the year.”

  His mother nodded in understanding, a stiff smile on her face.

  “That’s nice! It’s good to have goals, even if you’re a CEO of a company.”

  Jessica nodded in agreement.

  “Have you all ordered?” Jessica asked. “I’m sorry for being a couple minutes late. I had to take my mother to church this morning and let me tell you, traffic was worse than usual on the way. I had even left the house earlier than usual to avoid this, but folks just wouldn’t let me be great!”

  Olivia laughed at Jessica’s little joke.

  “Oh no, no problem!” Mom chimed in. “We’re just glad you could make it. Uh… Kane, may I have a word with you?” Mom said with a slightly quaking voice. “I think I left one of your birthday gifts in the car.”

  Kane grimaced at her lame excuse. His birthday was quite some time away.

  “Yeah. Jessica, I’ll be right back.”

  He kissed her on the cheek and followed behind his mother out the front doors of the restaurant. When they’d reached the large van his family had travelled in from Dallas, Mom leaned against the driver’s side door as if needing a rest after a long, weary day. She looked so stiff with her conservative navy-blue blazer and peacock broach, eyes closed, face flushed.

  “Uh, Mom,” he said in disbelief. “Not tryna watch any Lifetime drama type productions right now. Now why are we out here?” He reached into his pocket for a cigarette and lit it. His mother placed her hand across her chest and opened her eyes. Her small lips, colored in pink lipstick, formed a perfect ‘o’.

  “Oh, my God,” she finally stated, looking away into the distance like Scarlet O’Hara. Swirls of smoke wafted past her face as he blew them in her direction. “Please tell me this is a joke, Kane.”

  “What’s a joke?”

  “Let me ask flat out. Are you really marrying this woman, Kane?”

  “Yup.” He chuckled. “And I can’t fucking wait.” He laughed even harder.

  “Kane.” His mother’s eyes narrowed. “You can’t do this!”

  “Why? Because she’s Black?”

  “No! This can’t happen!” The woman shook her head vehemently. “Why are you doing this?!”

  “’Cause I love her. That’s why.”

  “Find someone else to love!” She waved her hands about, the ligaments in her long, pale neck stretching with the tension. She kept flapping her arms and hyperventilating. Maybe she’d caught the Holy Ghost?

  “Mama, settle down. You’re bein’ real silly right now. Honestly, you should’ve expected this. Remember that time you were all up in arms about me and that one black girl, Denise, from my freshman year? You didn’t want me with her. You could tell I liked her as more than a friend. There were other Black girls I dated too so I have no idea why this ruffles your feathers so much. Sorry, your son likes to taste the rainbow.” He couldn’t believe he had to explain himself like this. Or maybe he shouldn’t be surprised. “I like all women. Blonde, Black, Indian, makes me no damn difference. People are people.”

  “It’s not because she’s Black that I am concerned about you and Jessica, Kane, and I didn’t like Denise because she didn’t seem like the type of girl to have good moral principles!”

  “Then what’s the issue? I sure am hungry… Let’s make this fast.”

  “She… I’m certain is a very nice lady, Kane but… she’s a bit… rough.” Mom swallowed, looking both uncomfortable and desperate.

  “Rough? Well, she works at the post office so over time, her hands have—”

  “No, no… I mean her… face. She doesn’t
look… how I thought she would. I honestly have no issue with her being Black, Kane, but there are thousands of pretty Black girls in the State of Texas if that’s what you want, I am sure!” Mom sounded frantic. “Why couldn’t you get one of them? Oh my Lord! Do you know how handsome you are?”

  “Mmm hmm,” he stated dismissively.

  “Kane, when you still lived in Dallas, I was asked all the time if you were single. Even when you were dating Katie, some young ladies still wanted a chance to date you. Women ask me about you to this day, Kane, because you’re absolutely gorgeous! You could’ve been a professional model. Why do you think they always had you and Owen modeling down there at the mall that summer when you were teenagers? You deserve better!”

  She held her forehead as if a looming headache would send her right on out of there.

  “You know what, Mom?” He took a long drawl from his cigarette and looked around the parking lot, shaking his head in disgust. “You’re right. There’s someone ugly in our midst.” The older woman sighed with relief. “And it’s you.”

  Her eyes bucked and her mouth dropped open.

  “Kane, I—”

  “You’re my good, Christian, God fearin’ mother, out here talkin’ to me about how Jessica, the woman I love, doesn’t meet your high beauty queen standards. I guess if she looked like Beyoncé or Kerry Washington, or better yet, was a good White Christian girl who looked like a Barbie doll but treated me like shit, you’d be all right with that, huh?”

  “Of course not!”

  “Sure you would, or we wouldn’t even have our asses outside right now!” The woman stepped back, blinking. “Now let me tell you somethin’.” He seethed, his long hair whipping around in the sharp breeze. “I’m in love with that woman and she ain’t going no damn where. Nobody, not even you, is going to say a damn thing to me about her in a negative way and get away with it. This crap stops right here, right now.”