Nobody

by Tiana Laveen

  “I’m not being negative, Kane. I’m being honest! You could get so much better is all I am saying! She’s not the girl for you.”

  “Really? Well, here’s a dose of honestly for you too, Mom. When I needed someone to talk to, SHE WAS THERE. When nobody paid any damn attention to me or accused me of getting my just desserts, SHE WAS THERE. When I needed some tough love without emotional abuse and blackmail, SHE DID IT IN SPADES! NO DAMN STRINGS ATTACHED! She didn’t ask me for shit! She didn’t lie to me, she didn’t manipulate me, she didn’t do a damn thing but be my friend! You should be so lucky to have a woman in your son’s life that loves him the way she loves me. I have fallen in love. I’ve never had a relationship like this in my entire life. It’s… indescribable! She makes me feel like I could run this whole damn world! I’d be still in that fuckin’ house, having godawful nightmares and hatin’ myself if it wasn’t for this woman. You should be thanking her!”

  “I get it, Kane… and now, you probably feel sorry for her. You feel like you owe her but—”

  “I don’t feel pity for her. She felt pity for me… as it should’ve been. Jessica didn’t need me, Mom. She had her own life. She was content… had her shit together.”

  “You can just be her friend! You’d be great friends. You don’t have to marry her, honey! She helped you, fine. You don’t marry the help!”

  Heat flushed across his face as rage burst within him.

  “Oh wow… that really just came out of your mouth. Do you realize how awful that sounded?” Mom looked away, then dared to lock eyes with him again. “You’re standing here acting like she got a prize and I got nothin’ but a boulder on my shoulder. I looked like shit when she met me, Mom, so all of this model, gorgeous shit you’re talkin’ is bullshit. She got a poor representation of my potential on the day we met, believe me. I barely shaved. My hair was all over my head and I wore the same clothes day in, day out.

  “I was depressed, fighting a mental illness… Wrong. I had actually stopped fighting. I had given up by that point. Tossed in the towel. My house looked like somethin’ off of that horrible show, Hoarders, and she looked at me and that house and said, ‘Enough is enough.’ She didn’t do that to try and snag me and get over. She did it because she genuinely cared. Because she is one of the last people with a real soul on this planet. Soul… That’s what I look for in a woman. I am in the presence of a soulless person right this second. It’s a damn shame that it’s my own mother! The vessel that brought me into the world!”

  “Don’t you dare talk to me like this, Kane!” the woman cried, shaking her finger in his direction. “Don’t you dare!”

  “I told you when you came here that I wasn’t going to argue with you, Dad, none of ya, and I’m stickin’ to it. Look, it’s real simple. You can either keep your holier than thou self-righteousness out here in the cold, all dolled up in your cute little suit with your nose stuck up in the air, or you can sit down and break bread with me and my future wife ’cause let me tell you something – your days of bending things to your will are over. The magician’s tricks have been revealed. You can’t blame anyone else for this mess. The buck stops here. You’re about as shallow as a damn contact lens.”

  “I am deeply disturbed by this, Kane. You’ve fallen so far! What is the matter with you?! Can’t you see what she’s doing?”

  “What is she doing, Mom?” he asked dryly.

  “She’s taking advantage of you! There’s no way that a woman like that could get a man like you unless somethin’ was wrong with her, you, or the both of you! You’re good looking, you have a nice nest egg from the settlement, you now have your company up and running again and she is benefiting from all of it! She couldn’t possibly make much money being a mail carrier and she’s… she’s just not on your level in any capacity. She slid right in while you were down on your luck. Kane, please listen to me! I know you can’t see the truth, but I can.” She grabbed his arms but he shook her loose.

  “That Bible you like to quote from so much? Here’s a quote for ya. ‘For the Lord sees not as a man sees: Man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart. First Samuel, chapter 16, verse 7. See? I paid attention in church all those Sundays, too. It’s a damn shame that you didn’t.” He tossed his cigarette on the ground, smashed it with his boot, and headed back into the restaurant, alone.

  There was no doubt where his family and fiancée were sitting. All he had to do was follow the laughter. With a big smile on his face, he marched over to see his father crying and his face all red with mirth. His brothers and sisters were no better off.

  “Don’t tell me y’all have started the fun without me!” Jessica’s gorgeous cheeks plumped up like bread baking in an oven. He took his seat and wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

  “She’s hilarious!” Dad finally managed to say. “I had asked her about things to do around here, and the conversation took a funny turn.” He dabbed at his eyes. “Where’s your mother?”

  “Still lookin’ for that birthday gift I suppose. I gave her a present to hold onto in the meantime. Let’s eat.” He grabbed his menu, ignoring how his father stared at him, and flipped through it. They began to chat amongst themselves until the man excused himself from the table and walked out briskly.

  Jessica leaned in. “I know your mama don’t like me,” she whispered.

  “You’d be right.” He flipped a page in the menu. “She’ll get over it. I wonder how their blueberry pancakes taste?”

  “Maybe in time, that’ll change. Are you all right?”

  He smiled at her. “Baby, I’m better than fine. I’m great. Now, what are you ordering? Is today a cheat day or are you gonna let me down and get only an omelet? You and all this Keto, Atkins, low carb shit. I appreciate what you’re tryna do, but you gotta live a little, too!”

  “You’ll be disappointed then because I’m only getting an omelet and tea. I’m not letting you mess this up for me.” She chuckled. “I gotta fit into the dress I saw!” He rolled his eyes. “I’m serious! Oh, Kane, now you know I’m not one to care about things like bridal gowns and what not, but Melissa had convinced me to go to this one boutique and I saw this dress in there and fell in love! It’s—”

  “I’m sorry, but I overheard you say something about your wedding dress?” Olivia piped up, her cheeks all rosy. “What does it look like? Or is that top secret?”

  “No secret at all! Olivia, let me describe it to you, girl! It’s got…”

  He listened to his baby excitedly deliver the details as he tossed the menu another glance every now and again to figure out what he wanted… but what he really wanted had already been delivered and served to him on a Chessboard platter.

  She was sitting right next to him, smelling like a new day, a blessing from God dressed in white. He loved having his family gathered around, seeing the smiles on their faces. He reflected on the fact that at that this same time last year, he wouldn’t have been seen in his front yard, let alone a restaurant so many miles from home. The table exploded with laughter. Jessica had apparently said something else to get them going. And he’d missed it, too busy daydreaming and thanking God for saving a wretch like him…

  She’s my Amazing Grace, Lord. How sweet, the sound…

  …Several months later

  “And I didn’t say shit to her, ’cause she wasn’t about to have me out here looking like the dick emoji, that damn eggplant.”

  “Alicia…”

  “I’m serious, Jess. Them puce-colored, whatever the fuck dey was, purple Barney-the-dinosaur dresses was not the business!” Alicia went on. “I had to cut that off at the rip!”

  “Alicia, you know you are wrong for that. Purple is pretty!”

  “Not this shade. Look like somethin’ somebody threw up and then they had the nerve to be shaped like bells. She tryna make everybody look like big ass purple titties while she come down in a stripper bridal gown.”

  “Girl, I have no idea how you have the time and patience to be
in my wedding and hers too, but more power to you.” Jessica laughed. She was sitting in Kane’s bedroom while he showered. “Tell Joyce I said hi, Alicia, and stop giving her a hard time. At the end of the day, this is her wedding. You’ve had three. You know how it goes by now,” she teased.

  “Shiiiid! She lucky I’m even in this ol’ ghetto, bootleg shit! Her table settings are her husband’s mixed tape with little plastic fake champagne bottles with the words, ‘Twerk for Terry’ written on them.

  “Girl, shut up! I’m hangin’ up!” Jessica about choked with laughter as she disconnected the call. Alicia was too much.

  She sat there half naked, playing on her phone, when the master suite bathroom door opened. Kane stepped out, drying off his hair. He was butt naked and six feet, five inches of pure stallion. She salivated as she eyed his dick. The big, long thing bobbed against his thigh as he looked down at his phone on the dresser.

  I wouldn’t mind another round before I leave… She flung the sheets off herself so he would get a good look, take her up on her nasty little offer she hoped he couldn’t refuse.

  “I see you,” He chortled. Phone in hand, he kept reading something on the screen. “I thought I put it on you real good earlier this morning. Guess I need to try again.” He set the phone down on his nightstand then slid next to her. He wasted no time massaging her breasts, and she shuddered when the warmth of his mouth surrounded her nipple.

  “Mmm, baby, yes…” She moaned, running her fingers through his hair as he travelled down her body. Just then, her phone rang. “Shit.”

  He paused, his chin resting on her pussy.

  “Who is that?”

  “Mama. She usually doesn’t call me at this time of day. I better answer in case something is wrong.” She grabbed her phone from his nightstand and put it on speaker. “Hi Mama, I’m at Kane’s house. Everything okay?”

  “Baby, sorry to bother you but Corey done went in the back room and sorted all that mess for me. Some stuff will be taken to the Salvation Army later today, but some of this stuff is yours. You might want it before it’s pitched in the trash or given away.”

  “Like what?”

  “This doll and some old socks… They’re still in good condition. You might be able to still fit in ’em. They’re orange and yellow, though.”

  Jessica rolled her eyes. “Mama, I think it’s safe to say you can get rid of all of that.” She laughed. “Thanks for asking though.”

  “There’s some papers here though, too. Remember when you took the college entrance exams? I saved the acceptance letters… You were so smart, I hated that you never went to college, Jess. Anyway, I got ’em and I have your poetry from when you were in the fourth grade!” Mama squealed. “You were so talented! One of these poems is about the sky. It’s so pretty. I wonder why you stopped writing? You were so good at it, ’specially for your age!”

  Jessica’s heart sank. She’d forgotten all about that poetry and the short stories she used to write. It had been during a time that… She paused. Kane crawled back up the bed and wrapped his arm around her, almost as if he could read her mind. As if he knew…

  “Mama, I’ll be over in a little bit to take a look, okay?”

  “All right. Tell Kane I said hi.”

  “I’m right here!” he called out with a big smile. “Hi, Mama!”

  “Hey, baby! What you been up to, boy? Ain’t seen you in a couple of weeks.”

  “Oh, just busy working. I had to go outta town last week. Went to Oklahoma.”

  “Oh, okay. Jess did say something about that. You make sure you come by here soon, all right?”

  “Yes ma’am, I sure will.”

  “Good.” He could hear the smile in the woman’s voice. “Y’all can go on back to fornicating now.”

  “Mama!” Jessica couldn’t believe her ears. Kane burst out laughing so hard, he rocked the bed. The terrible old woman hung up, leaving Jessica sitting there with her mouth hanging open, then she exploded in laughter, too. “Mama is a whole mess.”

  “Hey, at least you have a good mother you can talk to. Mine is still acting up, Jessica. This might be it.” He shrugged. “I just can’t deal with her shit.”

  “Do I?” she asked.

  “What do you mean?” He reached for a cigarette and lit it.

  “I mean what I said. Do I really have a mother I can talk to about anything and everything?”

  “Well, it seems like it. You two are so close.” He eyed her, his expression changed from relaxed to troubled, as if he understood, as if the truth had entered the room and sat right between them. “Oh…” His head dropped. The room filled with the scent of his cigarette. He smoked with one hand, held her fingers with the other.

  “Kane.” She swallowed, looking down into the sheets. “I’ve done some thinkin’ about us having kids.”

  “Really? What did you come up with?”

  She could see the hopefulness in his eyes.

  “Well, I think I want to adopt a child. A little girl… a little dark-skinned Black girl that I can love on. Like me. I stopped loving myself along the way during my childhood. After my Daddy died, ’cause of him. Little Black girls are born every day, and many times, their parents are disappointed, ’fraid they gonna be real dark, black like the night. ’Fraid her ears will be dark. They look at those ears right away, Kane… ’fraid her nose will be wide and her hair wooly.”

  “I just don’t understand this, Jessica. I guess it’s just beyond my comprehension because that’s not a part of my culture or understanding. Why in the hell does the complexion matter?” He tossed up his hands. “That’s silly. At least to me, that doesn’t determine what woman is attractive and what woman isn’t. I’ve seen nice looking Black ladies from as light as your friend, Melissa, to very dark-complexioned like you. Who the hell cares? Nobody that matters.”

  “I don’t see nothing wrong with being born Black in any shade. I see something wrong with the people that tell us it’s bad to be dark. I think that’s beautiful. All babies are beautiful, and I’d be fine adopting any of ’em, but I just wanna help a little girl real bad. Someone who looks like me.”

  He stared straight ahead, swirls of white smoke escaping his mouth.

  “I think that’s a mighty fine idea.”

  She smiled. “You think so? I wasn’t sure how you’d feel about it! I know you wanted to have children, and I think this way, we both get what we want. I don’t have to deal with a pregnancy, and you’ll have a child, too.”

  “Well, let’s do it!” His enthusiasm sent her through the roof with excitement. She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him real tight. “These adoptions take time, so honestly, we should probably call an agency and get started fairly soon. Back in the day, my parents used to take in foster kids sometimes, so I got a pretty good understanding of the system since at one point they were going to adopt a child but that fell through.”

  “Alright, it’s settled. I’m so happy!” She took a deep breath, letting the good news seep in. “Let’s postpone our little tryst though, baby.”

  “Awww! Why?!” The man looked downright hurt. He extinguished his cigarette in the ashtray and showed her his rising nature, which twitched and jerked with need. “Don’t you want some of this meat, baby? It fits right in with your low carb diet.” She smacked him upside the head with a pillow as they fell into fits of laughter. Getting to her feet, she began to fix the bed.

  “I need to get over to my mother’s house and see what she’s talking about. I’ll be back over later tonight, though.”

  “Okay.” He leaned over, kissed her cheek, then disappeared back into the bathroom. She heard the sink water turn on while she slowly got dressed…

  I’d forgotten all about that poetry…

  I left behind those parts of myself.

  They were torn away like pages of a book.

  Pieces of me…

  Ripped from knives, scissors and crooked hooks.

  Black pages with white words


  Scribbled along wobbly lines…

  Like wobbly knees, pleas, cries for help.

  Time after time.

  I’d forgotten all about the swaying trees

  Buzzing bumble bees

  The scent of whiskey on a grown man’s breath

  Secretly praying for his death…

  I’d forgotten.

  I’d forgotten.

  I was forgotten…

  …Several weeks later

  The Manhattan’s, ‘Shining Star’ played while the scent of green beans cooking on the stove filled Mama’s home. Jessica stood behind the woman, braiding her long, pretty hair while the lady sat in her favorite chair in the kitchen. They both softly sang the lyrics to the song, moving their heads to the beat. Jessica couldn’t wipe the big smile off her face, even if she wanted to. This reminded her of the good ol’ days when Daddy would take her and Corey out with him, the night complete with fizzy pops or big cones of ice cream. Daddy loved this song. As if reading her mind, Mama spoke.

  “You had just been born when this song came out, Jess. Your father used to sing it to me all the time. He said it reminded him of me,” Mama said with a smile. She could tell she was smiling from the way her high cheeks puffed out, similarly to her own. “I shole do miss him, Jess.”

  Jessica paused and placed her hand on Mama’s shoulder. The older woman tapped her hand. Jessica went on braiding as other songs played, but the feeling in the room was palpable. She sat down across from her mother at the kitchen table.

  “I miss Daddy too, Mama.” Jessica wrapped her hands around a cold bottle of water and stared at it for a few moments. “Mama, I need to talk to you about something.”

  “All right.” Mama scooted towards the table, a serious expression on her face. “You and Kane havin’ trouble? Lover’s quarrel or something on account of his mother?”