Susan Clegg and a Man in the House

by Anne Warner

  CHAPTER XVI

  THE BEGINNING OF THE END

  As June wore on it became more and more apparent that Elijah wore onMiss Clegg. She grew less and less mild towards his shortcomings andmore and more severe as to the same.

  "He's only--" Mrs. Lathrop attempted to explain to her.

  "I don't care if he is," she replied, "it says in the Bible as a man isa man for all that an' I never was one to go against the Bible even if Iain't never felt in conscience called to say where Cain an' Abel gotmarried, or what it was as the Jews lit out from Egypt on a'count of. Itell you what it is, Mrs. Lathrop, you've forgotten what it is to have aman around your house. There's somethin' just about the way a man eatsan' sleeps as gets very aggravatin' to any woman after the new's off. Ibegin to see what men invented gettin' married for,--it was so theycould kite around an' always be sure they had one woman safe chained upat home to do their cookin' an' washin'. Why, I ain't married to Elijaha _tall_, an' yet just havin' him in the house is gettin' me more an'more under his thumb every day that he stays with me. I feel to stay inthe square an' I find myself hurryin' home 'cause he likes hot biscuits,an' I feel to turn his washstand around an' I leave it where it is forno better reason than as he likes it where it is. It's awful the way aman gets the upper hand of a woman! Lord knows I've no love for Elijahan' yet I'm caperin' upstairs an' downstairs when he ain't in a hurryan' tearin' my legs off scamperin' when he is, until I declare I feelmad at myself--I certainly do.

  "An' now, there he is fallin' in love with 'Liza Em'ly, the last girl inthe world as he'd ought to even dream of marryin', an' I talk to himan' talk to him, an' tell him so, an' tell him so, an' it don't make nomore impression than when you rub a cat behind her ear."

  "Why, a cat--" protested Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Yes, an' so does Elijah. It just tickles him half to death to hear'Liza Em'ly's mere name, an' he don't care what any one says about herjust so long as it's about her.

  "I see the minister down in the square to-day an' I told him my opinionof it all right to his face. But the minister didn't have no heart for'Liza Em'ly--he's too used up discussin' what under the sun is to bedone with Henry Ward Beecher. He says it's suthin' just awful aboutHenry Ward Beecher's feelin' for Emma Sweet, an' he told me frank an'open as personally it's been so terrible easy for him to get himselfmarried an' get consequences that he can't find nothin' to point hisindex finger into Henry Ward Beecher with about this unrequitedaffection of his for Emma. He says as he never knowed as a _man_ couldhave unrequited affection afore an' he really seems to feel more'n alittle hurt over it. He says he can't well see how to restrain HenryWard Beecher an' it's town talk as Henry Ward Beecher is far pastrestrainin' himself. I see Polly White afterward an' she says it'sgospel truth as he's took indelible ink an' tattoed Emma all overhimself, even places where he had to do it by guess or a mirror."

  "My heavens!" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Well, I should say so," said Susan, "an' will you only consider, Mrs.Lathrop, what Emma Sweet is to be tattoed all over any man like that! Ilike all the Sweets an' I like Emma, but it's only in reason as I shouldregard her with a impartial eye, an' no impartial eye lookin' her waycould ever in reason deny as she don't appear likely to set no riversafire. Emma's a nice girl, an' if her toes turned out an' her teethturned in I don't say but what she might go along without bein' noticedin a crowd, but with them teeth an' toes all you can call her isgood-hearted an' you know as well as I do as bein' called good-heartedis about the meanest thing as anybody can ever call anybody else. Folksin this world never call any one good-hearted unless they can't findnothin' else good to say of 'em, for it stands to reason as any sensibleperson'd rather have anythin' else about 'em good before their heart,for it's way inside an' largely guesswork what it is anyhow.

  "They say as Mrs. Sweet says as even though Emma's her own child, stillshe can't see no reason for Henry Ward Beecher's March-haredness. Shesays Emma's best p'ints is her gettin' up early an' the way she puts herwhole soul into washin' an' bread-kneadin', but she says Henry WardBeecher ain't sensible enough to appreciate good p'ints like those. Shesays she's talked to Emma an' any one with half a eye can see as itain't Emma as needs the talkin' to. She says Emma says as the way hehangs onto her goin' home from choir practice is enough to pull herpatience all out of proportion. She says Emma says she'd as soon have agarter-snake seein' her home, an' doin' itself up in rings around herall the while, an' Mrs. Sweet says any one as has ever seen Emma seein'a garter-snake would consider Henry Ward Beecher's chances as very slimafter a remark like that.

  "Mr. Kimball says he wishes he had n't took him into his store just now;he says no young man ain't got a call to the grocery trade when he's ina state of heart as won't let him hear the call o' the man as owns thebusiness, an' Mr. Kimball says when he fell into the vat where he wasstirrin' up his dried apples, Henry Ward Beecher never heard one singleholler as he gave--not one single solitary holler did that boy hear, an'Mr. Kimball 'most had a real city Turkish bath as a result. Why, he toldme as he was in the vat for nigh on to a hour afore Elijah heard himfrom the other side, an' he says as a consequence he ain't very muchtook with havin' a clerk as is in love. He says too as only to see HenryWard Beecher tryin' to pour through a funnel when any member o' theSweet family is walkin' by on the other side of the square is enough tomake him as owns what's bein' spilt wish as Henry Ward Beecher's fatherhad gone unrequited too. Mrs. Macy come in while we was talkin' an' shesaid it was too bad as Emma wasn't smarter, 'cause if Emma was smarterHenry Ward Beecher'd jus' suit her. Mrs. Macy says the trouble is asEmma's too smart to be willin' to marry a fool an' not quite smartenough to be willin' to. Mrs. Macy says as Mr. Fisher was just suchanother an' Mrs. Fisher jumped for him like a duck at a bug."

  "Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, interestedly.

  "No," said Susan, "but Gran'ma Mullins did. Gran'ma Mullins is alwaysnothin' but glad to have a chance to shake her head an' wipe her eyesover any one's love-makin'. She come in to wait a little 'cause Lucywanted to dust an' she says she ain't got no strength to stay in thehouse while Lucy dusts; she says it lays Hiram out on the sofa everytime regular an' sometimes it gives him the toothache. She says she an'Hiram never know when they 're dirty a'cordin' to Lucy's way o' thinkin'but, Heaven help 'em, they always know when they're clean a'cordin' toLucy's idea of bein' clean. She says Lucy is that kind as takes one ofher hairpins an' goes down on her knees an' scratches out the last bitof dirt as the Lord hath mercifully seen fit to allow to settle in Hiscracks. You can see as Gran'ma Mullins has suffered! She says it's ahard thing to bear, but Hiram grins an' she bears an' their pride helps'em out.

  "While we was talkin' Emma come by for the mail an' we see Henry WardBeecher's face just hoverin' madly over the breakfast-food display inMr. Kimball's window. Mr. Jilkins was in town buyin' a rake an' hewaited to see what would happen. Judge Fitch was there too an' PollyWhite. We all had our eyes fixed on Henry Ward Beecher an' I will say,Mrs. Lathrop, as I never got so tired waitin' for nothin'."

  "What--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Love affairs is terrible tame to lookers-on, I think. If they get overit your time's wasted an' if they don't get over it the time's wastedall around. My own opinion is as all love affairs is a very foolish kindo' business, for you never find real sensible folks havin' anythin' todo with 'em. But it was no use talkin' that to-day, so Henry WardBeecher hung up there on the breakfast foods, an' we sat an' watched himlike combination cats till long about five Johnny come by an' said asMr. Sperrit had took Emma home with them to tea."

  "Oh--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, impulsively.

  "I don't know why not," said Susan, "my own opinion is as he's aidiot--"

  "Mr. Sper--"

  "No, Henry Ward Beecher. It's always struck me as a very strange thingas we had n't got one single idiot in this community an' I guess thereal truth is as we've had one all the time an' did n't know him bysight. There's a idiot most everywhere till he gets the idea into hishead to kill some one an' s
o gives others the idea as he's safer shutup, an' so it ain't surprisin' our havin' one too. I see Mrs. Brown onmy way home an' I asked her if she did n't think as I was right. Shesaid she would n't be surprised if it was true, an' it was very odd asshe'd never thought o' it before, recollectin' her experience with himyears ago when she had him that time as the minister went to theSperrits' on his vacation. She went on to say then as to her order o'thinkin' Mr. an' Mrs. Sperrit come pretty close to bein' idiotsthemselves, for she says she don't know she's sure what ails 'em butthey've been married years now an' is still goin' round as beamin' astwo full moons. She says it ain't anythin' to talk of in public butactually to see 'em drivin' back from market sometimes most makes herwish as she was n't a widow, an' she says anythin' as'd make her sorryshe's a widow had n't ought to be goin' round loose in a Christian town.She was very much in earnest an' Mrs. Fisher overtook us just then an'she said it all over again to her an' she said more, too--she said asthe way she looks at him in church is all right an' really nothin' but ajoy to look on afore marriage, but she don't consider it hardly decentafterwards for it's deludin' an' can't possibly be meant in earnest. Shesays she was married, an' her son is married, an' her father wasmarried, too, an' you can't tell her that the way Mr. an' Mrs. Sperritgo on isn't suthin' pretty close to idiocy even if it ain't the wholething."

  "You--" said Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Mrs. Fisher said," continued Susan, "as she thought maybe she got usedto lookin' pleasant at him in all them years as she kept house for himafore he made up his mind to get married to her, an' so the habit kindof is on her an' what's dyed in the wool keeps on stickin' to Mr.Sperrit. She said as they do say as he married her 'cause he wanted herbedroom to hang up corn to dry in. She went on to say as for her partshe always enjoyed seein' the Sperrits so happy for it done any one goodto only look at 'em an' that she'd only be too happy to be a idiotherself if it'd do any human bein' good to look at her an' Mr. Fisherafterwards. She went on to say as she'd heard as the other night Mr.Sperrit drove two miles back in the rain 'cause he'd forgot a cake o'sapolio as she'd asked him to bring. I spoke up at that an' I said I didn't see nothin' very surprisin' in that, for I know if I asked any manas I was married to to bring home a cake o' sapolio I should most surelylook to see the cake when he come home."

  "I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.

  "I know; but you always spoiled him," said Susan. "Well, what was Isayin'? Oh, yes, Mrs. Brown said as Mrs. Macy was tellin' her the otherday as they've got a idiot in Meadville--a real hereditary one; thedoctors have all studied him an' it's a clear case right down from hisgreat-grandfather."

  "His great--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Grandfather," said Susan. "Yes, Mrs. Lathrop, that is how it was, an'Mrs. Macy says it's really so, for she see the tombstones all but themother's--hers ain't done yet. Seems the idiocy come from thegreat-grandfather's stoppin' on the train crossin' to pick up a frog'cause he was runnin' for suthin' in connection with the Society for thePrevention of Cruelty to Animals."

  "The frog!" cried Mrs. Lathrop.

  "No, the great-grandfather. Seems he never stopped to consider as what'dkill a frog would be sure to hit him, an' Mrs. Macy says the doctorssaid as that was one very strong piece o' evidence against the familybrains right at the start, but she says he really was smarter than theythought, for the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals paidfor the funeral an' for the grandmother's, too."

  "The grand--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.

  "--Mother's," said Susan. "Yes, seems the railway track was their backfence an' she'd always begged an' prayed him at the top o' her voice notto go to town that way, but he would n't listen 'cause he was stone-deafan' then besides like all that kind he always pretended not to hear whathe did n't want to. But anyhow she was in the garden an' she see thetrain an' she tried to get to him, an' whether she broke a blood vesselyellin' or contracted heart disease hoppin' up an' down, anyway she fellover right then an' there an' it would have been copied in all thenewspapers all over the country even if the mother--"

  "The moth--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Er," said Susan. "Yes, seems she heard the yell an' run to the windowso quick she knocked the stick out as held it up an' it come down on herhead. So, you see the idiocy come right straight down in the family ofthe idiot for three generations afore him."

  "I ain't sure," said Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully.

  "I ain't either," said Susan; "Mrs. Macy says, she was n't either. Noone in Meadville never was."

  "An' yet--" began Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Oh, as to that," said Susan, "that's altogether another kind o' idiot.Henry Ward Beecher won't die of his love even if Emma won't have him,an' they'll both always be the better an' happier for not havin' oneanother, if they only knew it. It's mighty easy to love folks an' thinkhow happy you'd always be with 'em as long as you don't marry 'em. It'smarryin' 'em an' livin' in the house with 'em as shows you how hard itis to be really married. I thank Heaven I'm only livin' in the housewith Elijah an' not married to him, so I can see my way ahead to gettin'rid of him in a little while now. You don't know how I ache to draw thecurtains of his room an' pin up the bed an' pour the water out of hispitcher an' set a mouse trap in there an' just know it is n't goin' tobe mussed up again."

  Susan sighed deeply.

  "How long--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

  "I said three months," said Miss Clegg, "an' that takes it over theFourth of July. My heavens alive, seems some days as if I could n't butjust live, an' the meanest thing about a man is, he's so dead sure as hemakes you happy, bein' around the house."