Already Gone

by Diane Benefiel

  Maddy pulled a bowl of russet potatoes from the cupboard and set them on the counter. “You’re in charge of shredding potatoes for hash browns, by the way.” She tried to absorb what he’d said as he moved the bowl to the sink. How often had he made that kind of decision, balancing personal safety against danger to others? “Then what happened?”

  “The FBI came in on choppers, and Horvath’s men started shooting at anything that moved. I was hit, but I knew it wasn’t bad. Then I saw the dog get hit by a truck when one of the bastards tried to get away. I couldn’t help anymore if I was to keep my cover, so I scooped up the dog and got the hell out of there. I wish to god Horvath had been there, then we might not be in this mess.”

  “And he wants you dead because he suspects you were the one who brought in the FBI?”

  Logan ran water over the potatoes as he attacked them with a scrub brush. “Oh yeah. But SAC thinks he’s gone.”

  “Who’s SAC?”

  “Special Agent in Charge Rittenhauer. My boss for this operation. The smart thing for Lazlo to do is get out of this area while it’s hot. We had a witness place his brother in San Francisco this morning, and those two tend to meet up frequently. This witness isn’t the most reliable, but could be he’s gone there.”

  She heard the doubt in his voice. “But you don’t think so.”

  “No. My bet? He’s holed up in a cabin in these mountains somewhere, biding his time, figuring the FBI can’t stay here forever, and once they pull out, he’ll pick up where he left off with the trafficking. Law enforcement is pretty thin this side of the Sierras. But he underestimates Brad.”

  “And he underestimates you.”

  “That’s likely. Lazlo Horvath thinks he’s smarter than everyone else. That kind of ego will trip him up. Plus, I’m here, and he’ll want to get me. The fucker is a sociopath. He has no remorse, and someone else is always to blame for his failures. For him, killing me would be justice for losing at least two shipments of women.”

  Maddy chopped onions, then whipped eggs with a whisk while Logan shredded the potatoes. Talking about the search for Horvath hadn’t settled her one bit. Needing the comfort of tea, she filled the kettle with water and set it on the stove to heat. They worked together in not quite companionable silence. There was too much unresolved between them to be entirely comfortable. As much as they needed to talk about Lily, Maddy found herself reluctant to tackle the topic because she knew the heartache she’d suffered would then be Logan’s.

  With butter melting in a heavy skillet, she sautéed onions, then added the shredded potatoes. Logan reached over her head to get the bag of coffee beans from the top shelf of the cupboard, and she found herself fighting the temptation to lean back into him. She knew if she did, his arms would come around her and hold her tight. And most likely she’d end up on the kitchen counter doing what they’d been doing against the wall. The mental image that brought up had her hissing out a breath. Down girl. She ignored Logan’s quizzical look.

  Flipping the potatoes, she told herself there was no point beating herself up about having another round of delicious sex with Logan. He was a sexy guy. He was her sexy guy, the only guy she wanted to be with.

  She’d pretty much demanded that Logan have his way with her against that wall. Hard to expect emotional distance when the moment they were alone together, she wanted to rip his clothes off and jump him. Which was pretty much what she’d done. Being near Logan, listening to his rumbly voice, watching his long fingers as he poured coffee beans into the grinder, made it next to impossible to keep her heart in check.

  Maddy emptied a jar of salsa into a bowl as a topping for the potatoes and eggs, then plated the omelets with hash browns on the side. “Take these to the table. I need to call Emma and ask her to feed Sophie, and let her know I won’t be there until late.”

  “I talked to Brad. He has it covered. He said for me to pass it on that you don’t have a curfew.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “What is that supposed to mean?”

  He glanced away, but not before she caught the decidedly smug look on his face.

  “You think you’re going to score an overnighter?”

  Now he didn’t bother to disguise his grin. “Couldn’t keep your hands off me earlier, could you? I thought we could spend the night together, and I’d let you have your way with me. Again.”

  “Oh, really? That’s so generous of you.”

  “Though not entirely selfless. I might get something out of it, too.”

  She sat across the table from Logan as he dug into his meal, scooping up hash browns smothered in salsa. “These are really good.”

  “You sound surprised.”

  “No, not surprised, considering what I’ve sampled at your café. But I don’t think I’ve ever had them homemade, from scratch. I thought they came in frozen squares from a box.”

  “Not in my house they don’t.”

  She toyed with her omelet, then asked the question she’d stewed over for the better part of a decade. Screw it, she was going for the emotional. “Logan, why did you dump me? Maybe it would be better to hash that out before we talk about Lily.”

  He sipped coffee from his mug, eyes unfathomably deep over the rim, then set it down with deliberate care. “At the time, I didn’t really know. It was something I felt, but couldn’t articulate.”

  “And now?”

  “Basically, I needed to grow up.”

  “That’s it? You couldn’t grow up here?”

  “No, I couldn’t.” He leaned forward. “Maddy, you’ve got the most amazing family. They’re loving. Generous. You never once had to question where you fit in with your family, your friends, your community. I needed to make something of myself, to become a man I could live with. I couldn’t stay here and do that.”

  “And have you?”

  “Become a man I can live with? Yes.”

  “People here didn’t judge you, Logan. My family, and the people in town. They didn’t judge you because of what your father became after your mom died.”

  “Some did. But you’re right—most didn’t. But that wasn’t really the point. I needed to prove something, even if it was only to myself.”

  “And you couldn’t do that with me.”

  “I didn’t think so at the time.”

  She thought of those evenings when they’d lie in the back of his truck in the turnout overlooking the lake, snuggled into a sleeping bag and watching for shooting stars. Making love. “I wish you’d said something, shut me up when I prattled on making all those plans, talking about how we’d go to college together, then we’d get married and live here in the Loss. Start a family. I was such an idiot.”

  “I liked hearing you talk. But the more you built up those plans, the more trapped I felt.” He reached out and gripped her hand when she would have pushed away from the table. “I loved you, Maddy. I still love you. But I couldn’t become the man I am today if I’d followed your plan. I needed to find my own way. And you were never an idiot.”

  “Well, I’m not an idiot anymore. I was young, and I was naïve. And I guess I had to grow up, too. Becoming a mom of a sick baby made me grow up double quick.”

  The sound of a car engine approaching the front of the cabin had his hand tightening around hers. “Stay here.” He flipped off the light, then there was the rasp of sound she thought was him strapping on his holster. With a quiet click, he opened the side door and eased through, leaving Maddy with a sick knot of tension in the pit of her stomach.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Using the dim light from the fireplace to find her way, Maddy crossed to the front window. Deep velvet darkness had fallen in the hour and a half since they’d come inside. A vehicle with blinding headlights pulled up next to Logan’s truck. The headlights died, and with them the humming sound of the engine. She thought the vehicle might be a van. She debated turning on the porch light but decided against it. If Logan had wanted it on, he’d have turned it on.

  The car door sw
ung open as the driver got out, and the dome light came on. Oh crap. Even as she watched, Logan’s shadow detached from the corner of the house. Sharp words were exchanged, sounds muted through the window. She rushed to the door, slapping on the porch light as she went, pulling it open in time to hear a muffled “oof.” In a blur of movement, Logan had the guy pressed up against the side of the van.

  “Logan, he’s okay.”

  “Madison?” The aggrieved tone pricked her conscience.

  “Logan, stop. It’s Jason.” She rushed down the steps of the porch, the cold night air stealing her breath and making her wish she’d grabbed her coat.

  Holding Jason’s arm behind his back, Logan gave him a pat-down. “Who the hell’s Jason?”

  “I’m Doctor Jason Barnes, sir, and you have no right to attack me.” Despite the bravado, fear tinged his voice.

  “Jason is Sophie’s vet. My friend, remember?”

  “What’s he doing packing a gun?”

  “A gun? Jason, why do you have a gun?”

  “If this man would let me go, I would explain.” In the light from the porch, she saw Logan pull a gun from Jason’s coat pocket.

  “Don’t move.” Logan released Jason, taking a step back. Jason didn’t so much as twitch. In a practiced move, Logan released the clip from the butt of the gun, then pulled back the slide to eject the remaining bullet. “You can turn around now.” Pocketing the ammo, he shoved the weapon into the back of his waistband.

  Jason straightened and busily began pulling down the sleeves and hem of his coat, adjusting his clothing much like a fussy old lady. Which wasn’t a charitable description, but true. “What are you doing out here, Jason? You must know the FBI is looking for a fugitive.”

  “I’m hardly a fugitive. I came out here to offer you my protection.” He gave Logan a hard look. “I didn’t know the FBI was doing the same.”

  “How did you know I was here tonight? I’ve been staying with my brother for the past week.”

  “I saw you driving this way earlier, and it made me nervous thinking you’d be all alone.”

  “That was hours ago, ace. Would have been a little late if our fugitive was hanging out in her cabin.”

  “Some of us have to work. It’s obvious the FBI isn’t taking the threat from that awful human trafficker seriously, or he’d already be in custody.”

  With her hands jammed in the front pocket of her sweatshirt for warmth, Maddy gestured with her head. “Can we talk about this inside? It’s too cold to stay out here.”

  “He’s leaving.”

  “Logan, don’t be rude. And his name is Jason.”

  “Not being rude, simply stating a fact.”

  Ignoring Logan, Jason said, “Since I’m here now, I can stay with you and the FBI man can leave. I brought a quite expensive bottle of Shiraz to enjoy, Madison, if you want to send this fellow on his way. I could even help you make us a nice dinner.”

  Jason’s presumption would have annoyed her if she weren’t so worried about the tension emanating from Logan. She didn’t think he’d deck Jason for the heck of it, but she wasn’t one hundred percent sure. She reached out to grip his arm to keep him from unleashing whatever he was bottling up all over the hapless Jason.

  “Ah, no, Jason. Logan isn’t going anywhere. He’s staying with me.”

  “Did the FBI assign him to protect you, is that why he’s here?”

  “Logan and I are…” She paused, thinking of a way to put it without hurting Jason’s feelings. “Well, we’re—”

  “She’s mine.”

  She gaped at Logan while Jason sputtered a response. “What do you mean, she’s yours? Like she’s your responsibility, because you’re an FBI agent?”

  “Get a clue, man. She’s mine because she’s always been mine. We’re together.”

  “Madison, this can’t be true. We’ve been dating for months.”

  “I’m sorry, Jason. Logan and I were together a long time ago, but he came back to town a couple of weeks ago.” She caught Logan’s hard look and knew she had to finish it. She didn’t think they were actually together, but they were something. “We’re seeing each other.”

  Jason drew himself up to his full height. “I see.” He reached into his coat pocket.

  “Keep your hands where I can see them, ace.”

  “Then how would you recommend I retrieve my car keys?” he asked in an affronted tone.

  “You left your keys in the ignition.”

  “Right.” Jason turned to Maddy. “I must say I’m disappointed in you, Maddy. I thought you were sincere when we were seeing each other.”

  “Jason, we went out a few times as friends. But you’re absolutely right. When I realized you wanted a deeper relationship, I should have said something.”

  “Yes, you should have.” He turned to Logan. “I would like my gun and ammunition back now, please.”

  Logan shook his head. “I’ll get it back to you after I check that your gun was legally purchased.”

  Jason stared at Logan for a long moment, then opened the door of his van with jerky movements. Maddy hated that he was angry, that she’d hurt his feelings. It was her fault. She should have set him straight weeks ago. With a sigh, she watched the taillights disappear as he turned from her driveway onto the road.

  She trudged up the porch steps, Logan a dark shadow following her. She gave a heartfelt sigh when she stepped into the warmth of the cabin. Logan shut the door, locked it, then had her up against the door, mouth on hers, in a heady split second of time.

  Raw desire exploded between them and had her straining to get closer. Already she could feel his arousal pressing against her.

  “Tell me he never had you like this, never made love to you.”

  She grabbed handfuls of hair and pulled back on his head so she could look him in the eyes. Pushing back on the desire was harder. “I’ve had boyfriends, Logan. I’ve made love with other men, like you’ve been with other women. I didn’t cloister myself away to die of a broken heart when you left me.”

  His struggle for control had him sucking in a deep breath, exhaling, then repeating the process. “Okay. Okay.” The tension ebbed slowly from his body. “You’re right. I was jealous and he ticked me off. I can’t lose control.” He rested his forehead against hers. “Sorry.”

  She laid her hands on either side of his face, thumbs stroking against the bristly growth of beard. “And, Logan, I never even kissed Jason.”

  She expected him to dive back into the kiss. But instead he pulled her into him, wrapping his arms around her shoulders, laying his cheek against the side of her head. “Good.”

  She wasn’t sure how long they stood like that. With her head resting against his chest, she listened to the steady beat of his heart. She was in trouble where Logan was concerned, deep trouble. But being held so tenderly made it impossible to push him away.

  He spoke softly. “Will you tell me about Lily now?”

  She nodded.

  Maddy warmed her tea, then followed him to the living room. Maybe she needed distance because she sat in the corner of the couch with her feet tucked beneath her, hands cupped around her mug. Logan threw a log into the fire then took his seat at the other end of the couch.

  When she seemed content to sit in her corner and sip from the steaming mug, Logan prodded her. “When did you find out you were pregnant?” His voice came out tighter than he’d intended. He wished he could corral his emotions, but whenever he thought of that picture he’d seen on her laptop, the anger burned through him once again. Maybe part of that anger was directed at Maddy, but he reserved most of it for himself.

  His actions had resulted in unimaginable grief for the person he cared the most for. When he’d broken up with her, he’d been so sure that he was doing the right thing, but now that conviction had faltered.

  “I took one of those home tests exactly one week after you left. My period was late, but I’d put that down to the stress of our breakup.” Even as her comment was li
ke a knife twisted in his gut, he kept his gaze steady on hers. She continued, “I remember staring at the plastic stick and thinking it was wrong. I’d been on the pill, so how could I be pregnant? So I took a test the next morning, then the next. Three positive tests are hard to deny.”

  “You’d been accepted to that college in San Francisco. You didn’t go?” She’d filled out an application for him, too. But he’d never mailed his in.

  She shook her head. “Morning sickness hit me with a vengeance for the first three months. I could hardly get myself out of bed in the morning, much less contemplate going to college.”

  He sat forward, his arms resting on his knees, nervous about what was coming. “I would have come back.”

  “How would that have worked, Logan? You’d left on your road trip, and even if I’d tried to contact you after you reported for duty in Missouri, what then? You didn’t want to be with me, and I didn’t want you under those conditions.”

  “That’s not exactly true.”

  He caught the cushion she threw at him. “You can’t have it both ways. You’d made it clear we were done. When we were together, you’d let me prattle on, dreaming of this great life we’d have. I was a fool, because I thought you wanted that life, too. But you didn’t. If you’d come back, you would have felt trapped, and would have resented both me and the baby.”

  “You didn’t make that baby by yourself, Maddy. She was my responsibility, too.”

  “That’s what Brad said. Well, yelled, actually. A lot. He argued you had a right to know, but I made him promise.” She stared into her mug like she’d find the answers to the world’s problems in the tea leaves. “I figured I didn’t have to make the decision right then. I was nauseous most of the time, losing weight instead of gaining. I thought I would tell you, but later. Once I figured out what I wanted to do.” She had set the tea down, then began tugging at a thread at the seam of the sweatpants. “Then I had the ultrasound. I was four months along.”