Forgiving You

by Melissa Bender

  “Didn’t stop you from screwing me on your desk each week.” Yes. I just had to throw that in there to piss him off even more.

  “Seriously? I didn’t want to know that, and I sit in that office and touch that desk each day.” Adam hissed in a whisper. I stuck my tongue out at, him enjoying how uncomfortable he looked.

  “Look, Charlotte. I’m too busy to fight. Did you call for a reason or not?” Wow. He was now angry again. I could tell by the way he said my name.

  “Have you had the new papers drawn up?” I asked, staring down at my chipped navy nail polish.

  There was nothing but silence on the other end. I heard a loud smash followed by a low curse. I knew he had just thrown something. “Is that all you want? Full custody?”

  “Yes,” I whispered, but my heart said no. I wanted him as well. “Don’t do this, Chris,” I whispered, pausing for a moment. “How could you leave me like that?” I started crying; I just couldn’t hold it in.

  “Please don’t cry, Char.” He breathed out softly. “I was so angry. I went to leave, but then I was shown photos. Jesus. Fuck! You were the last person I wanted to see.”

  He didn’t make any sense. I wasn’t understanding any of it. “You will never get that day back. I never once cheated on you, and I have no idea what photos you have seen. I didn’t do anything.”

  “You were in a fucking bed—fucking him, Charlotte. It’s your naked body, and I should know what that looks like. The date is there. The same day you fell pregnant: 12th of May.” His voice was loud, booming through the phone.

  I was lost for words. What the hell? It made no sense. I haven’t ever been with another man. “Email the photos to Adam, you fucking asshole! I hate you, Chris. I fucking hate you.” I shouted and ended the call, more tears running down my face.

  Randomly, my cries turned to laughter, and I fell back on the bed, groaning with an exasperated sigh. I didn’t do anything wrong, yet here I was, crying over the man who hurt me—who’s accusing me of lying and cheating.

  “How the hell did my life get so screwed up?”

  Shaking his head, Adam just grinned. I wanted to tell him that he needed a shave but left him alone. “No idea, but I have a feeling Katie has something to do with all of this. Hopefully, he sends the photos to me then we can check them out.”

  Oh, I couldn’t wait to see these supposed photographs. “Thanks. How about I make a start on dinner; Mum and Dad should be back soon. I’m hungry, and I know Lucy will be starving for milk.”

  “I just hope she sleeps all night,” Adam said as he yawned.

  “Same. Just sleep in here tonight. Mum and Dad will expect to get your bed, and this one is big enough for the both of us.” I gave him a lazy smile. “The couch is comfortable too.”

  We got up, and I started on dinner. I started to cut up some potatoes, bacon, and leeks for soup. Adam was on his phone, making calls. Even though he’s not at work, he still busied himself with work.

  The door opened, and Mum walked in with a screaming Lucy. Ah, I had forgotten how loud she could be. Mum brought her over to me, and I went and sat down in the chair I usually fed her in. Her little mouth opened widely, searching for my milk source as I laid her down to lift my top and unclasp my bra.

  I laid back as she suckled and held my breast, her little eyes wandering around as she guzzled down each drop quicker than the last.

  “Someone is starving,” Dad noted, as he sat opposite me leaning back on the couch with his eyes closed. I was still annoyed with him from what he said earlier today.

  Adam walked over, passing me his phone. I noticed the message on the screen. It was from Chris.

  -I never wanted to hurt Char, but I can’t, for the life of me, forgive her for this. Every day, I want to pick up that phone and tell her I still love her, but I can’t. I can’t get this image out of my head, and I don’t know if I ever will. I’m sorry. It’s best we both move on and end everything.

  I scrolled down and looked over at the photo. It was me in a compromising position with Joel, one of Chris’s friends. I was sucking him off in other words. All you could see was my back as I was naked on my knees. The next photo was of us in a bed together. I was on top of him, while pushing him down into the bed. The last picture was of us exiting a hotel in town, hand in hand, but yet, you still couldn’t see my face in all the pictures.

  They may all have looked exactly like me, but I knew for a fact that they weren’t. They weren’t me at all. I had never once been to that hotel, let alone been together with him.

  “They are fakes,” I whispered, not wanting Mum and Dad to hear this conversation

  “Well, I didn’t think you would cheat on him. I knew it wasn’t true.” He took his phone back, forwarding them to me so I could look at them properly on my laptop. “It’s why I have never asked if what he said was true or not.”

  Lucy had finished drinking, and I moved her off my boob, fixing myself up as Dad walked back in with a drink for me. I’m assuming he was sucking up, trying his best to fix what had happened earlier this morning.

  Adam lay down on the red rug that was over the floor with Lucy who was having some tummy time. He lay down in front of her, just staring at her, holding a rattle and moving it in back and forth, teasing her. I smiled, watching them play together.

  “How was the walk?” I asked, turning my attention back to mum.

  “It was good. She was a good little girl and only cried as we arrived back here,” Dad spoke, up moving down to the floor where he joined Adam and Lucy.

  “She is by far the prettiest girl I know.” Adam grinned, taking a photo of him and Lucy together.

  “She looks just like her father,” Dad commented. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know how to respond to that. I knew fully well Lucy looked just like Chris without people bring it up.

  “Sit up with your father and brother, and I will take a photo of you all.” Mum pulled out her new phone; she now thinks she is very clever because she can use a touchscreen. We had brought her one for Christmas to replace the old heavy brick she called a phone.

  Dinner was soon ready. I had no appetite. Mum gave me a stern look. “You have hardly eaten, Charlotte.”

  I twirled the spoon around the bowl with my fingers; I just didn’t feel like eating tonight. I was tired and not hungry at all. After seeing those photos, my hunger just vanished. I felt sick if anything. “I’m just not hungry,” I answered, shrugging like a teenager.

  “You’re losing weight quickly. There’s barely anything left of you,” Dad said in a hesitant tone.

  What was this? Attack Charlotte day? I looked up, and all three of them were staring at me with concerned faces. “It’s nothing. I’m just losing the baby weight, and breastfeeding helps; my weight is fine. Trust me, I’m eating.”

  “You’re thinner than before you were pregnant,” Mum said. She had a way with her words to make me second guess everything. “You need to eat some more.” She sighed, turning back to her soup.

  “We should take Lucy to the beach tomorrow if you want?” I had to hand it to my brother. His efforts of trying to change the subject went unnoticed.

  I didn’t even bother to finish dinner. I just stood and picked up Lucy who was in her rocker by the table, just sucking on her fists and quietly looking around. “I’m going to put her to bed.” I walked off, ignoring anything more that would be said about me.

  Nothing was ever easy, and my family definitely wasn’t easy.

  I needed their support, not doubts and negativity: throwing the blame around, trying to make me feel worse than I ever have.

  My body needed an early night. I just didn’t want to listen to my parents talk about my weight or Chris, reminding me yet again that I was going to be co-parenting with.

  I lay Lucy in the bed beside me, just wanting to have some time with her before I feed her and place her in her bed for the night. I hoped she slept better than last night. Otherwise, Adam would probably be pulling his hair out. It
only took around twenty minutes before she was passed out like a light, softly breathing, swaddled and tucked into her bed for the evening. Or for as long as she would stay sleeping.

  My eyes became heavy and almost closed when my phone began to vibrate. I knew it was Chris without having to look at the screen. Keeping my eyes closed, I answered and just listened.

  I could hear him breathing softly on the other end of the line. He didn’t say anything, and finally, I spoke first. “Chris,” I said quietly.

  “I’m here,” he spoke back, his words almost a whisper.

  “I don’t hate you,” I whispered, thinking I should probably start with that. “I never meant that.”

  “I know, Char. I don’t blame you for hating me after everything.”

  It was quiet where he was, and I could only assume where he was. “Are you at work?”

  “Yeah, I’ve been staying here.” He sighed. “Where are you living? Do you need me to transfer some money through to you? I can do that now if you want.”

  I wanted to roll my eyes. “No, it’s okay. Adam has been helping me out. I’m with Ness. It’s nice here; I have a place on the water.”

  “You really are gone,” he pointed out. Did he not think I had left?

  “You left me. Chris, you wanted this—the divorce and everything.”

  “Why do I feel so empty and broken?” he asked. “All I see is those images, and it’s tearing me apart.”

  “The photo isn’t of me. None of them are. Never have I ever cheated on you, Chris. You know me, and you know I wouldn’t do something like that.” I felt myself getting worked up again as my throat felt like it was closing over. I silently lay there, crying.

  There was nothing but silence. For over five minutes, both of us were quiet. I almost spoke up until Chris’s voice was on the line again, asking for something I didn’t think I would ever hear. “I know I don’t deserve this, and I understand if you say no, but . . . would you send me a photo?”

  I hung up on him.

  How could I answer when I was in tears? I just lay there, sobbing, clutching the phone to my ear as I cried. It was the last thing I wanted to do.

  Swiping my finger over the screen, scrolling through the photos I had taken since Lucy’s birth, I found one on her tummy that was taken tonight. Her big eyes, almost as if they were smiling back at me with her dark, thick lashes, I smiled staring and before I stopped myself. I was pressing send with an attached text message.

  -Our daughter.

  Not even 60 seconds later, a new reply from him lit up my screen.

  -She’s prefect.

  Chapter Six

  Who would have thought that today, I would be experiencing both pain and pleasure?

  I had experienced pleasure as I was woken up with light feather kisses being placed all over my bare back whilst his fingertips wandered between my thighs. Chris woke in a very happy mood, and I was guessing he had a good night’s sleep.

  Right now, we stood in a small tattoo shop. A guy called Trent was covered with ink from head to toe, staring at me curiously after he and Chris exchanged hellos. Apparently, they went to school together and were still friends.

  “So, do you know what you want, sweetheart?” Trent asked, grinning at me.

  I nodded, looking up at Chris. He had suggested we get each other’s names over our ring fingers, and I thought it was the best idea ever until I saw the actual tattoo pen. Now, I was freaked out. I hated needles with passion.

  I sat down in the chair once Chris told Trent what I wanted to have done. I was still nervous, but felt a slight comfort with Chris holding my other hand, as he sat in front of me, giving me ease.

  “So how long have you two been together?” Trent asked as he started dabbing the pen in the black ink.

  “Six weeks,” Chris answered with a grin. Some may call us fucking insane.

  “Shit, and you’re getting each other’s names inked already? Soon, you’ll be living together.”

  “We moved in together last weekend,” I answered with a laugh, closing my eyes.

  I heard Trent laugh. “Are you sure you want to get this done? No going back.”

  “Of course, I do. We’re going to be together forever.” I smiled confidently, opening my eyes and finding Chris already looking at me as the pen hit my skin.

  Thirty minutes later, I was sitting there, reading over the word “Christopher” inked around my finger in cursive. I didn’t regret getting this done.

  Now, it was Chris’s turn. He just looked relaxed and didn’t even flinch as the needle hit his skin. I kept my eyes on him, looking for any sign of pain, and nope, nothing at all, which made him look even sexier. I liked that he had my name on him.

  “It looks good.” Chris held his hand out next to mine, our fingers side by side, inspecting the matching work.

  “I love it. It’s worth the pain.” I smiled, leaning into his chest as we walked back towards the car.

  He placed his hand on my ass, and with a firm swat, he spanked me. “I know another kind of pain you seem to love also.”

  Blushing like crazy, I rolled my eyes. “You wish!”

  ***

  I didn’t get the early night I had hoped for. One could only wish for a good night’s sleep, but instead of napping while Lucy slept, I sat up with Adam, staring at the photographs he gave me. I knew this wasn’t me, but how could I prove it to Chris that it wasn’t me straddling his friend?

  The phone call with Chris was kept a secret; I didn’t bother mentioning it to Adam. I didn’t see it at a time to do so. I tied my hair into a messy bun and put my glasses on, as I tried to figure out how this was done.

  Being a photographer, I was used to editing a lot and often. I had pulled the images up onto my computer and started to search every square inch. Zooming in, lightening, and darkening. It wasn’t until I zoomed right in that I spotted something—a small, black Chinese symbol tattoo on her lower back. To the normal eye, it was unnoticeable, but to a photographer with a keen eye for detail, it was distinct.

  I only had two tattoos: one was covered by my wedding ring, and the other was inked along the base of my neckline—three small blackbirds.

  I emailed these back to Chris and heard nothing. There was a huge chance he didn’t believe me, because clearly not showing up to the birth of his child was enough proof that he doubted me. But innocent until proven guilty, I was damn sure I would prove and maintain my innocence.

  He wouldn’t have looked for the details I checked for. To him, the photo was me. The blonde in the photographs was me. He was given a 6x4 image, and he didn’t know a thing about photography. Even Adam said if he didn’t know better, he’d think it was me too.

  Twisting the wedding ring off, I traced over the small cursive ink on my ring finger, thinking back to the day we had been so happy and excited, both young and stupid in love. I knew in time I would have to take the rings off, but the white gold halo, a pear-shaped ring that Chris had given me meant too much right now to just discard and be rid of.

  It could have been easier if he had cheated; I could toss them into the ocean or sell them. But it was impossible. I wasn’t going to be able to get over him. I wasn’t even going to try because no matter what, he was the only man I could love.

  My heart for the time being belonged fully to him.

  Slowly, I crept out of bed, pulled my hair up in a ponytail, and made my way down the hallway. Lucy was still sleeping, and I was going to try to get in a quick coffee before she woke up.

  As my feet touched the cold wooden flooring, I stopped short when I heard hushed whispers. Adam and Mum were having a heated conversation, clearly about me.

  “She’s going to become sick again,” Mum said quietly.

  “No, she won't,” Adam retorted.

  “Adam, she barely ate her dinner. That was all I had seen her eat since coming here. She’s starving herself, on the verge of—”

  Adam cut her off harshly. “Chris fucking left her the day she had
a baby. What do you expect to happen?” he growled. “Don’t you dare say she’s going to end up like that again. Why the hell do you think I am here for?”

  “Well, I won’t leave until I see her gain weight. I will force her on the scales every morning if I have to.” Mum’s voice came back just as strong again.

  I finally decided to make my presence known to them. They were both standing in the kitchen, drinking coffee. Dad was also there, sitting down at the table reading the morning paper. They all looked up at me as I walked out, a little startled that I had possibly overheard their conversation.

  “So, what would you like to see me eat? Pizza? Chocolate? A loaf of bread?” I asked, unable to hide the sarcasm as I pulled a bowl from the counter and grabbed the cereal from the pantry.

  “Charlotte, we’re just worried about you. That’s all.” Dad stood up, making his way over. “You’re awfully thin, much too thin for someone who’s just given birth.”

  I let out a scoff, rolling my eyes. “Jesus, I can’t win, can I? I’m sorry for being so upset about the fact that my marriage is almost over. I eat.” I reminded them. “I eat every day, three meals a day with Adam. You didn’t see me eating yesterday because you were walking Lucy in the pram.”

  “Dear, it’s not over. Just give him time to calm down.” I stared shocked, looking at my mother like she had grown a second head. This was a woman who had asked why her kids were so emotionally screwed up, and now she was saying be sympathetic to Chris.

  Was she taking his side now? Saying what happened wasn’t his fault?

  “I can’t deal with this.” I took my cereal and went to the bedroom.

  Sitting cross-legged on the bed, eating in silence, I wondered if they had a point. Was I too thin? I stared at my body in the mirror before I showered. I mean, I was small, but I wasn’t big either. My breasts were larger and fuller. My hips had more of a curve since giving birth, but I had remained fit and exercised daily during my pregnancy. I had lost weight, no longer looking pregnant, but I wasn’t as skinny as they made me out to be. No bones were sticking out; my clothes fit just fine.