Forgiving You

by Melissa Bender

  I smiled, wrapping my arms around his body, squeezing tightly and kissing him, “We need to talk as well, Chris. Don’t shut me out.”

  He looked down at me, and I hoped he didn’t take off again. I cried so hard after Adam offered to do the surgery, and Chris walked off. I had no idea my brother would have done something like that. That was truly out of the blue, but it was just like Adam to help. He would give his life to save someone he loved.

  That was my brother, thinking of others before him.

  I went into the bedroom and waited. Lucy was fast asleep, so I reached over and flicked the bedside table lamp off and snuggled down under the covers. I wanted to forget everything. Why did this have to happen to us? We were getting back on track, and now . . . well now, Chris was basically given a possible death sentence.

  Ten minutes turned into half hour. Half hour turned into an hour. An hour turned into two. By the time I was dozing off, the bedroom door opened, and Chris quietly walked in. I think he was hoping I’d have passed out, so he didn’t have to deal with talking to me about everything.

  I had news for him. He was damn well going to talk.

  “Tomorrow, I’m not going into the office. We’ll talk tomorrow, I promise you.” He sighed as he sat on the edge of the bed and took his shirt off. I reached up, brushing my hand over his toned back.

  I didn’t get to speak because Lucy started stirring, and I went to get out to her, Chris stood before me and walked towards her, lifting her up and holding her out in the air. “Ah, Mummy. Someone’s soaked and needed a change.”

  I smiled, laughing as I tossed the covers off me. “Well, Daddy, you know where her room is.” I went up behind him and kissed his shoulder blade then reached around and took hold of our wet daughter who was now starting to cry loudly.

  “Ahh, someone definitely needs a change.” I walked Lucy to her room while Chris followed behind us. He went and got her a new romper suit and passed it to me as I powdered her. Noticing she was getting a rash, I put some cream on her bottom as well.

  Chris just stood and watched, his eyes only leaving mine to look at Lucy. “You’re a wonderful mum.”

  I smiled. “You’re a wonderful dad.”

  Back in bed with our little munchkin joining us as I fed her, Chris was on his phone checking emails, doing more work things, and then sitting the phone beside him before turning his attention to us, running his fingers through the dark mop of hair our daughter had.

  “I don’t want you to worry about anything, okay?” he said quietly.

  I wanted to scoff. Yeah, because not worrying is going to be easy. I shook my head at him and moved Lucy as she lay against my chest while I clipped my top up. I laid down a little and reached over to hold his hand. “I’m always going to worry, Chris. You can’t tell me not to do that. We’ve got a child together; we’re still trying to make our relationship work and get that back on track. There’s just so much to worry about. What happens when you have treatment and you can’t work, or you spend your days in bed because you don’t have the strength to get out?”

  He looked at me, and I knew that he hadn’t considered any of that. His blue eyes started to glass over with a film of water. “I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.”

  “What did Adam and you really talk about?” I asked, my tone was firm and trying to let him know that I wasn’t in the mood to listen to lies or cover ups of the cold hard truth.

  He swallowed hard. “I don’t want him to give me his kidney, but he said he doesn’t give a fuck of what I think, so him and I are going to the doctors this week and see what the next move is.”

  I loved my brother dearly, but I needed him and my husband around. “Let’s get some sleep. We’ve got all day tomorrow to talk about this,” I spoke through a yawn. It was late, and I knew I’d barely be able to get any sleep at all, not with all this running through my mind.

  The night seemed to take forever to get through. Lucy didn’t wake up, thankfully. But I barely slept a wink; I couldn’t stop thinking about everything. So, I got up at 5 a.m. after watching Chris sleep for what felt like seconds when really it was hours.

  Making my way down to the kitchen, I turned the kettle on and grabbed a large cup from the draw. Taking myself to Chris’s office, I sat behind the large desk and turned the computer on. I wanted to search Acute Kidney disease, but instead, I loaded all the photos taken the other day of us and started editing, but the nagging in the back of my mind got the better of me and I Googled the surgery procedure.

  I didn’t hear the door open or see Chris coming up towards me until he kissed my cheek and looked at the screen. “You will go crazy if you read all that, baby. Trust me, I know.”

  “You need to tell your parents, Chris. Your sister needs to know too. I just think it’s the right thing to do,” I said quietly. This wasn’t some minor thing; he needed their support and help.

  He let out a hard breath. “Just let me do it in my own time.”

  “Chris, time is one thing you probably don’t have. I need you around. I need you to get better,” I snapped back at him, surprising myself at my annoyance.

  He stood up, giving me a look and crossing his arms over his grey t-shirt. God, why on earth would he wear a tight shirt in the morning? I think he purposely tries to seduce me. “Don’t tell me what to do, Charlotte. I need fucking time to think about everything. Maybe I don’t want the surgery, ever thought of that?” he bit back at me harshly. “Just back off.”

  My heart thundered in my chest. I stood and grabbed my empty mug, or more like soup bowl sized cup. “You don’t want the surgery? Well, if that’s what you want, then fine. Go, say goodbye to your daughter because I will not stick around and watch you die or get sick.” I stormed past him, not as dramatically as I would have liked, because it was still only 7 a.m.

  I ended up walking outside and letting the warm air hit my skin. For the morning, it was warm. Summer was definitely here. Chris had followed, and I closed my eyes as his arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me back to him. I couldn’t be angry; it wasn’t my right to be. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I just don’t want to tell anyone, but I need you to respect my decision on this. I would do the same for you, Charlotte. I will tell my family, but in my own time, okay?”

  I didn’t want to fight, but he was wrong. I turned around in his arms and shook my head. “You tell them, or I will.”

  He looked at me and smirked. “You’re threatening me?”

  I nodded. “Indeed, hot shot. You need to tell them.”

  “Fuck sake,” he muttered. “You’re not going to drop this, are you?”

  “Don’t swear at me, and no, I’m not going to drop it. You kept this from me and that still hurts. They’re your family, and they have the right to know. You will need support with this, Chris.”

  After finally getting him to agree to tell his parents, we headed back inside and lounged on the couch where we had spent most of the day, watching movies and playing with Lucy who was now on the floor and trying to roll over. She was getting so much bigger, and I knew we had other decisions to make about our future. Our future children if we could even have any more.

  “You know Mum will want to move in here,” he said with a slight grumble.

  I hadn’t thought of that. “I know.” I paused a moment. “How about we have them over for dinner tonight and break the news that way?”

  “I would like to see the doctors about the surgery, before I tell them,” He said.

  Probably wise to do so. I reached up, pulling my hair into a high pony tail. “Okay, that may be wise. You’ll be able to give them more answers after we find out all there is to know about this surgery. I hope Adam knows what he’s doing—” I stopped talking, then groaned as I realised my parents wouldn’t agree to this.

  Chris laughed, knowing where this was heading. “Your parents will say ‘let that bastard rot to death’.”

  I sat up and frowned, throwing daggers at him. “Don’t ev
en joke about that, Chris. It’s not funny,” I warned. Nothing about him dying was funny.

  “I’m sorry, it was a joke. But you will also have to tell your parents. I would like you to tell them that though. I don’t think I could deal with them here. Sorry,” he said. I knew he wasn’t really sorry though. It didn’t bother me too much. I loved my parents, but they were too opinionated and made it clear how they felt when they left without goodbye. I needed love, support, and someone to lean on. I was going to have two recovering men around, plus a child. I knew I would need help, but I was unsure who would actually help and who would try and take over.

  “When your surgery is done, and you’re all better, let’s go back to the beach?” I suggested, lying back down and smiling. “We can rest there.”

  “Will you be mad if I can’t get you pregnant again?” He put his hand on my shoulder, massaging it gently.

  Closing my eyes, I shook my head. “I’d love more children with you, but I won’t be disappointed. We have a beautiful daughter together.”

  I felt his lips pressing against my head as his fingertips ran up and down my arm. “The beach sounds like a good idea. You know, we can go anywhere you want to go. I don’t want you worrying about work either.”

  “Chris.” I warned, rolling my eyes. I knew exactly what he would say.

  “We have enough money in our account to survive with me off. Trust me, more than enough. I will take a couple months leave. If I get the ‘go ahead with surgery’, I’d like it done as soon as possible.”

  I bit my lip, worrying. “Are you okay?”

  “I will be fine as long as you’re going to be by my side,” he said quietly. I could tell he still felt guilty about everything.

  I moved, so I was lying on my side, my hand running up his stomach and resting on his chest. “I’m not going anywhere.” And I wouldn’t be. What kind of woman leaves her husband when he’s sick? I wouldn’t do that to him. He may think it was easier, but I, for one, didn’t.

  We both bolted off the couch when we heard a loud scream filling the room. Neither one of us rushed to grab Lucy. Instead, we both clapped, and I grabbed my camera. Our baby girl just rolled over for the first time. It was more of a face plant, but it was still exciting for us.

  “Oh, come here, baby. Did that scare you?” Chris asked, crawling his hands and knees to reach her.

  I smiled, putting the camera away and came over to them. Lucy was growing up so fast, too quickly.

  Adam just appeared in the doorway with his briefcase and a bag full of takeaway for dinner whist we stood up. He winked and held the bag up. “Chinese food. Okay with you?” he asked.

  Umm, of course it was. I rubbed my stomach, eagerly hungry.

  Dinner went by quickly; I think we were all starving. Lucy went down after a bath and a play with Uncle Adam. We all sat out on the back patio desk, enjoying the warm evening. Each man held a beer in their hands, and me with my legs up, as we played a round of cards.

  I thought I heard a noise and looked at the men who both looked at me oddly. “Did you hear that?” I asked. Then I stood eagerly. I knew that sound all too well, or more precisely, I knew those heels very well.

  A smile widened across my face, looking at Chris as he smiled back at me. “Thought you may need some company.” He took my hand and kissed it gently.

  “Oh gosh, you two need to get a room—one far away from the one I’m staying in, I suggest.”

  “Trust me. You’ll need to be in the car at the end of the drive when these two get going.” Adam teased and punched Chris playfully in the arm as they both laughed.

  I poked my tongue out at my brother, ignoring him and letting out a squeal of excitement. I couldn’t believe Chris had brought Ness here for me. I gave him a look and mouthed “thank you” as I held her back tightly as she hugged the life out of me.

  “Thank you for coming,” I said as I fought hard to hold the tears in.

  Ness’s hold tightened. “I’m not leaving until Chris is well again. He will get through this, sweetie,” she whispered quietly, and I realised Chris did tell someone.

  He told my best friend.

  Chapter Twenty

  “What about these?” I looked over at mum, half rolling my eyes as she held up baby pink coloured dress.

  I shook my head, wanting to gag. “No, I don’t think so. Plus, it wouldn’t go with what we’ve chosen.”

  She sighed. “Charlotte, I honestly don’t know why you want a black theme for your wedding.”

  Chris and I were in full swing of wedding preparations. We both decided on a darker theme, not exactly black, but mum thought our wedding was going to be some Goth event. I had given up on trying to explain it.

  “Oh, I really love this,” I said reaching, picking up the charcoal-coloured dress. A strapless floor-length dress that would look great on Ness; she was my maid of honour. Well, of course, she would be. She was currently in the change room trying them on.

  Ness walked out in a knee-length one shoulder. “Well?” she asked, doing a twirl.

  “Love that dress on you. You’re so pretty, Ness,” I said, moving closer for further inspection.

  Mum, however, shrugged. This was going to be a long day. I was a little more excited when we then moved onto bigger, whiter, prettier dresses. I couldn’t wait to marry Chris.

  I slumped down on the bed and let out a strangled scream. “Fun day?” Chris’s humorous voice spoke beside me.

  I opened one eye and looked to my left. “Next time, you’re coming with me. Mum fought every decision I was making.”

  Chris put his laptop beside him and took his specs off, rolling on his side and running his hand over my stomach. “Did you find yourself a dress?”

  I smiled. “I may have done; you’ll never know.”

  “Can I convince you?” He asked, his hand sliding lower.

  I slapped his hand away. “Ah, I don’t think so. Your girl is starving, and I would love for you to make me some dinner.”

  He chuckled, moving so he was now on top of me. “I think I could cook my girl something to eat. What would she like?”

  I pretended to think. “Take me out to dinner, romance me, and show me some of that Chris Rivers charm that he uses on the ladies.”

  He buried his face in the crook of my neck and laughed hard, his whole body shaking with laughter. He lifted his head and smiled. “You want me to woo you?”

  “Hell yeah, I do, baby!” I grinned back wide-eyed.

  “Alright then, get dressed into something sexy. I’ll throw a suit on and take you out to dinner, baby. But just so you know, those legs of yours will be open when I get back home and for as long as I want,” he said huskier.

  I hooked my ankles around the back of his thighs and bumped my hips up into him. “Quickie first.”

  ***

  Ness and I brought out hot drinks into the sitting room and sat down on the couch. I grabbed the blanket and pulled it up over my legs a little as she did the same. She had been here a little over a week, and I was so happy to have her here.

  I really needed my best friend right now. For my own sanity.

  “What did they say today?” Ness asked, getting right to the point.

  I ran my hand through my hair and groaned. I had my own migraine from all the information that we had received today; doctor’s appointments after appointments. I think my head was going to explode if it received any more information.

  “They took Adam’s blood work, and they’re going to do some more testing on Chris. He’s not really saying much though,” I said. Chris wasn’t showing any emotion at all today. He was kind of spaced out. We were having a silent fight; neither of us not knowing what we were mad at each other about.

  Ness nodded, pressing her lips together and sighing. “I really can’t believe it. It’s scary to think he’s been so unwell for so long.”

  I felt my eyes swell with tears. “It’s pretty bad, Ness, and Chris plays it off like it’s not that, but I mean the c
omplications that can go wrong. I just don’t see how he’s going to wake up from this and remember who I am, or even wake up at all.” I was so worried about the risks involved with these procedures. I felt like the only one who was worried that this could all go wrong and neither of them would wake up.

  “Do you forgive him for leaving you and Lucy?” she asked.

  The question caught me off guard. I hadn’t been expecting it at all.

  “No,” I said quietly. Maybe that’s why I felt so bad. “He left our daughter and me. I may be here, but I can’t forget him for what he did to us.” It was the cold hard truth. “I feel awful for saying that.”

  I was here working things out. I was going to try and try my hardest, but at the end of the day, if Chris and I couldn’t get past the previous issue, I would have a very tough decision to make. Love or not, I still feared one day he would leave again.

  Ness smiled. “So, you and him are shagging again?”

  I rolled my eyes. I wish. “Seriously, you want to talk about my sex life. I’m more interested in yours.” I grinned. Oh, how I had missed our girl talk and changing the topic from my non-existent one seemed a perfect idea.

  Ness waved her hand around, trying to brush me off, but I knew better. “I’m not seeing anyone. I’ve had a couple of dates here and there, but they’ve turned out to be men who had a major commitment phobia. I want a relationship; I want what you and Chris have.”

  A lump formed in my throat. I hated that we were held on some pedestal. “We’re far from perfect, but I will admit: Chris charmed the absolute hell out of me, right up until everything happened. We were so happy and crazy about each other.”

  “You still are. He’s trying, and so are you. I know you both will work through this. Give it time.” Ness smiled, taking a sip of her hot tea.

  Time was one thing I wasn’t sure we had. It was something Chris and I really needed to discuss. What would happen if this operation took a turn for the worst? There were so many unanswered questions that I needed to get the answers to. I just wasn’t sure if I was ready to know them yet.