Forgiving You

by Melissa Bender

  Chris led us towards where people were dancing and pulled me to his chest. “You’re amazing, Char. I’m so lucky you said yes.”

  “I’m the lucky one, Chris. I love you so much.” I smiled as I wrapped my hands around his neck right before he dipped me low and kissed me in front of everyone.

  ***

  I stared at him in heartbreaking shock at what he just told me. “What do you mean? You told me you were okay. I was sitting on your lap when you looked me in the eye and told me you were fine, and now you’re telling me you’ve been lying this whole time?”

  I felt sick, but I didn’t know what to do. It was like time had stood still, and I was frozen—too frozen to move. My hands fell back from his as I felt back to the floor and felt as if I was going to have a panic attack as the word sunk in further.

  What the hell was wrong with him?

  “I have an acute kidney injury,” he said. “I need surgery, and even then, it isn’t guaranteed that I’ll live.” He used both hands to dry the rain of tears as he wiped his eyes. “I’m sorry, Char. I wanted to get all the tests before you get worried,” he spoke shakily.

  I snapped my eyes open. “How many more tests have you had done, Christopher?” I asked in a louder voice. My heart was racing as I tried to keep the anger and hurt in but failed.

  “Every day. I’ve been in the hospital having blood tests and scans. I was going to tell you tonight when I got the results,” he said.

  I felt even more hurt, tears running down both my cheeks as he reached out to take my hand, but I flinched backward and let out a loud, strangled cry. “I thought you were having an affair. You shut me out and didn’t touch me. How could you do this to me? To us!” I asked, standing up and grabbing the glass beside me and throwing it to the floor. I think I did that more to let some fury out.

  He just sat there, his whole body shaking as he buried his head in his hands and cried.

  So, I did what he did to me. I left.

  I didn’t leave the house; I just made my way to the backyard, so he couldn’t see me breaking down and crying.

  I was crying because I was afraid. I was afraid of losing Chris to a disease that kills, and he didn’t deserve that. He had a family and a goddamn daughter; he needed to live. Not only for our daughter, but for me too. I needed him in my life to grow old with.

  I sat down on the wooden seat and looked out at our yard lit by lights. It was so beautiful up here; I couldn’t wait until Lucy was old enough to play outside.

  The silence was only filled with cries coming from my mouth. A hand touched my shoulder, and I looked up. Adam was looking at me sullenly, his eyes filled with regret. Then I knew that he didn’t really have a date. He was giving Chris time to tell me the news.

  “You knew,” I spoke through cries.

  He nodded. “I promised him not to tell you—I wanted to—but you needed to hear it from him, Char. I’m sorry.”

  Adam sat beside me, and I threw my arms around him. I needed my brother more than ever right now. “I don’t want him to die, Adam,” I spoke into his chest, gripping his shirt tightly. “I don’t want him to get sick.”

  My brother then broke down as well. Chris was the closest thing he had to a brother; they’d become best friends. It was cute to see the BFF relationship they had together, so I knew this was hurting him deep. I hadn’t seen my brother cry since he came to me after he walked in on Emily and his best friend.

  He was so broken that day, and he looks just that now.

  I pulled away and wiped my eyes. “I’m not mad. I’m just hurt he didn’t trust me enough to let me in. I wanted to be there for him, Adam.”

  “I know. He knows that, and a big part of him not telling you is that he didn’t know how to tell you, not after everything he’d done to you. He was worried you would leave him, fuck him off to die . . . and I think deep down, he wanted you to do it. He wants to give you a life you deserve and doesn’t think you need to be at home looking after a man who’s sick.”

  I looked at my brother and realised then and there, that as mad as I was, I was going to let it go. “I need to go to him. Can you keep an ear out for Lucy if she wakes up? I need to talk to Chris.”

  Adam checked his watch and scratched the base of his neck. “You better hurry; he’s leaving.”

  I frowned. “What do you mean leaving?”

  “He’s leaving for his parents. He thought you wanted him to leave.” Adam frowned and looked at me confused.

  “No,” I spoke quietly and stood up.

  I raced up the stairs of our home. I was out of breath, but didn’t care. He wasn’t going anywhere. I opened the bedroom to see Chris grabbing the suitcase he used for business trips out of town.

  “Put it away,” I spoke up and closed the bedroom door, flicking the lock over and walking towards him.

  “Char, I’ll give you some space. I’ve fucked your life up so much lately.” He sighed after speaking quietly.

  I wasn’t having it. I marched towards him and reached for the bag and lifted it up, putting it back in the walk-in closet and closing the door. Chris just stood, looking helpless at me. “You don’t get to decide that on your own. You’re my husband, so start acting like it and sit on the fucking bed and tell me everything. Or I will leave and won’t come back, Chris. No more secrets from me. I can’t take the hiding and lying.”

  He just nodded and backed away from me until his feet hit the bed and he sat down. His dark hair messed up, his eyes red, and his beard thicker, needing another trim. I loved his unshaved growth.

  “I wanted to tell you, and I know I should have done, but I was afraid. I couldn’t say the words. Adam walked in on me the other day at work and knew something was up, so I had to tell him. I’m sorry, baby. I never wanted you to think I would cheat. You know I would never do that to us.” He grabbed me by the hand and pulled me towards his body.

  Pulling me down on his lap, I cupped his cheek, and the other hand went to the back of his head, my fingers running through the thickness of his hair as he let out a low groan. “Chris, just tell me how bad it is. I mean, they can fix this, right? It has to be in the early stages, right?” I asked full of hope.

  He blinked down hard, and more tears escaped. My heart broke even more.

  “I don’t think it’s that easy.” He swallowed after speaking, looking at me as he waited for my reaction.

  “Okay, so what about the migraines?” I asked again, trying to keep my hopes up.

  He shook his head and ran his hand up to my cheek. “Just a poor bastard who suffers from them. The MRI scan was clear.”

  “No. Chris, you’re healthy. You don’t party or smoke.”

  “I used to smoke, Char.” He shook his head, “Look, what’s done is done, and I can’t change things. All I know is this is fucking karma for leaving you when you needed me the most. I fucked this up, and now I’m hurting you more again.”

  I wasn’t going to be a part of his pity party. “We are going to fight this together. You’re going to be fine, Chris, so don’t think anything else and never ever say that you got this out of karma because that isn’t true. You’re going to be fine.”

  “Can you let me finish talking? I need to tell you some other things too, and it’s hard, Char. I’m struggling to get the words out as it is. I’m fucking crying like a weak pathetic man. You should never see me this way.” He sniffed back a nose full of water and held me tighter. I remained silent to let him talk. “They said I can go on a transplant list, but I have to wait for a suitable donor, and the list is long. I just don’t know.” His hand ran over his face. “I won’t sit and hope for the best when I’m probably going to end up in and out of hospital.”

  “Chris,” I whispered, not liking where this was going. “No, you have to try.”

  “Do the surgery and then what happens? Will you be okay after that?” I asked, god I wished I could have been at the doctor’s office with him to ask all this to them.

  He shrugged, “Best ou
tcome is yes. That’s if I have a match.”

  “I could give you mine. We both have the same blood type, so that’s good, yeah?”

  “No,” he said firmly.

  “Chris, if I can save your life, then I will do anything possible to do it. Give me one good reason you won’t let me help you and a reason as to why no on the chemo,” I asked, pulling back slightly.

  He just looked at me and gave a weak—a very weak—smile as he loosened his hold on me and moved his hand to my stomach. “I won’t let you do this. You need to be strong for Lucy. There’s a good chance I’m infertile. I won’t be able to give you a house full of babies . . . I want to give you more babies, Char.”

  “So, we get you to cum in a cup and freeze your sperm or whatever it is that they do. We’ll have babies other ways, Chris. I don’t necessarily need more children from you. We have Lucy. We have each other. That is all that matters.” I leaned forward until our noses were almost touching, the heat radiating from our bodies was insane. I didn’t care if I couldn’t have another child with him; there were plenty other ways to have a child.

  The main priory was getting him healthy again.

  “You’re incredible, you know that? That makes me feel so much better, Char,” he whispered out.

  There were no more words needed after that.

  Our lips slowly neared each other, and our hands gently cupped each other’s faces. He kissed me first, beating me to his mouth and pulling me down on top of him as he lay back on the bed. I straddled him, still lying down.

  I didn’t want this to end. I didn’t want to stop kissing him, but he pulled away and shuffled, so he was now lying over my body, his hands running smoothly up and down my sides.

  “I don’t want to tell everyone I’m sick. I’m also thinking about quitting work,” Chris said and that knocked me for six.

  “Quitting? But you love your job. You love being a lawyer,” I said, trying to talk normally, but I couldn’t do more than a whisper.

  “No, I love you and Lucy. Work isn’t important, and I will always be a lawyer. I just won’t be at the firm anymore. I’m not happy there anymore, Char.” He sighed. “It’s fucking too much. I just need to know if you can you support me on that decision?” Chris looked at me as he caressed my bare skin, his hand sliding up underneath my top.

  At the end of the day, I wasn’t going to tell him no. “Of course, you know I will support you no matter what you decide, just as long as you let me come with you to your appointments, you let me ask questions and be as involved in this as you are. I won’t say anything to anyone, but you should at least tell your family. It’s between us like everything else.”

  I was giving him a hard bargain, but it was nothing compared to what he was dealing with.

  “Deal. We do this together.”

  “And we never give up. Never ever giving up.” I smiled as I looked him in the eyes and kissed him gently.

  “Never give up,” he repeated, leaning down to kiss me gently again.

  Our bodies intertwined as we lay naked under the sheets, making love slowly and passionately. I hadn’t told Chris to stop. I wanted this feeling to last forever, the feeling that everything was going to be okay. I know things were going to change tomorrow, but for now, I wanted us to just be in love and make love.

  As Chris came, he fell to my bare chest, our sweaty bodies stuck together and saltiness tasted in our tongues as we kissed one last time. My hands ran up and down his back, gripping his bum and pushing him deeper into me as he started to slip out. I moaned as he sucked my lower lip and finally pulled away.

  “Let’s get showered, I want to go see Lucy.” Chris pulled out completely and I ran my hands up and down his chest. I was just staring at him with worry. “Hey, I’m going to be okay.”

  I really hoped he was right. I couldn’t take any more heartache. We quickly showered and changed into our PJs. Lucy hadn’t cried, so Adam must have fed her before she screamed the house down. I was so lucky to have a brother like him who was willing to do anything to help us.

  Chris sat on the chair as I sat on his lap with Lucy in my arms, snuggling her tiny body as Chris wrapped his arms around us both. He’s kissing spots over my body every now and then.

  A thought popped into my head, and I sighed. “You’ll go on the waiting list and hope to Christ there’s a match.”

  He nodded. “Yes. The doctors said it was rare to have the surgery, but it is an option. It’s my preferred option, but I do have to wait. I don’t want to be on tablets every day.”

  “What are the other options to fix this? Tablets for a couple months and then you’re all better?” I asked hopeful.

  “Well, there’s medicine to increase the blood flow to my kidneys and protect them. It also decreases inflammation. I’ll need to go into hospital for IV fluids, and worst case, dialysis.” He sighed heavily. “Surgery is my best option now.”

  “And what will the risks be with that? I wished you would let me do this for you; I don’t want you to wait for one, Chris,” I spoke leaning into his side.

  Adam walked in the bedroom, showered and ready for bed. He looked tired, his eyes also bloodshot. I was completely unaware that he had been listening in to our conversation, but judging by how he looked at us both, he had been. “He doesn’t need to wait for one.”

  “Adam, how is he going to get a kidney in time?” I asked confused.

  He crossed his arms, narrowing his brows and leaning against the door frame. He looked like he was ready to speak business. “Because I’m going to give him mine. I’ve been tested and I’m a match. Lucy needs her dad around and you need your husband. If I can help, then I’m going to do everything possible to keep him here.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  My stomach hurt so bad from laughing so loudly. Chris and I were lying on the couch, watching the movie Grown Ups, and I just couldn’t stop laughing.

  “Baby, I can’t hear the movie,” Chris complained lightly, sitting up and placing the picture on pause.

  I smiled. “I’m sorry, it’s so funny though.”

  He rolled over so he was now leaning over me, his legs pinning me down and smiling brightly at me. “Char,” he said quieter, running his fingers up and down my bare thigh. Yes. We were naked and snuggling. “I love you.”

  How was it possible for someone to make me feel so much love. “I love you too.”

  He shook his head. “Say it to me, not at me.”

  “Christopher Rivers, I love you truly, madly, deeply,” I said as I held his cheeks and lifted my head to kiss him gently. I loved him more than words could express.

  He grinned wider. “I feel it, and I feel the love you give to me.”

  Could this man get anymore sweeter? I shook my head and tried not to let my emotions get the best of me. “I can’t wait to be your wife.”

  “Now that’s an image that makes me hard. Make sure your dress is tight and easy to get off. I may want to start our honeymoon early.” He winked as his mouth kissed me lightly near my earlobe.

  I laughed, laughing loudly again as he blew his breath over me, sending me a shiver but tickling me at the same time. “Baby, stop it! I mean it, Chris. You know I hate to be tickled.” And I was too eager to go back and watch the movie.

  He slowly stopped and looked at me as he still lay half over me. “Charlotte, I want to ask something.”

  I smiled through my eyes; that man could melt anyone’s heart. “Yes?”

  “When can we start making babies?” he asked, looking at me like an overexcited puppy before turning back to a serious face.

  That was something I hadn’t expected at all. I didn’t expect him to come right out and just ask that. “Uh, you want to make babies sooner or later?” My voice gave away my nervousness.

  “Sooner, I want a family, a big family before I’m old and can’t chase them around,” He slightly grinned. “I’m older than you, remember? I want to get you pregnant easily and soon.”

  I rolled my eyes, o
nly because he was looking at me so seriously. “Chris, you are not old. Far from it, and let’s try after we’re married. You’re not going to have any problems getting me knocked up. I have a feeling you have rapid swimmers.”

  His smile grew wider. “Want to go get married next weekend?”

  I groaned as I felt him harden underneath me. “Stop it. You’re just horny and not thinking. We’ve got plans and bookings. Soon, we will be married, and then we can make as many babies as our hearts desire.”

  ***

  The dim glow of the lamp on beside the bed told me my husband wasn’t in the room. He got so worked up when Adam suggested helping that he took off after a loud thunderous ‘no fucking way.’

  A ‘no’ that had woken Lucy with a scream, but she fell back asleep almost instantly. Adam suggested it again, and Chris said no again, quieter this time. I knew Chris felt bad; he hated feeling useless. But I also felt like there was something else going on with them, something that they both weren’t telling me.

  I sighed and sat up, remembering the news he had told me earlier. Tears filled my eyes again as I started to get worked up at the thought of losing him. I could have handled a divorce if he wanted one, but dying, that was something that killed me on the inside.

  “Chris!” I called out through a choked sob as I made my way down the hallway.

  My husband came barrelling through the sliding doors, rushing over and cupping my cheeks. “Baby, what’s wrong?” His finger slid up and down my cheek, wiping away salty tears as more fell.

  I sniffed them back hard and my shoulders slumped. “I woke up alone and panicked. I just had a bad dream,” I lied. “I couldn’t find you.”

  He pulled me into his chest and kissed my forehead. “Babe, I’m here. I’m sorry. I came up and you were asleep. I didn’t think you’d wake up.”

  “Do you want to come to bed?” I asked, my heart thudding against my chest. I just didn’t want to leave his side anymore. I wanted to take care of him and be around him all the time.

  “Can you give me another ten?” he pleaded, checking his watch, “Adam just needs some help with a case coming up and we’ve almost finished.”