It was time to get out of there.
The next morning, we got up early to head to the airport. I checked the news. Ash had released a statement from both of us apologizing. It didn’t really say much. Better to put out a bland, non-newsworthy statement and let this mess die down.
I put my phone away. There’d be a million comments online, both for and against us. Ash certainly had more than his fair share of haters; he was that kind of person. But no matter what people said about me, it didn’t really influence my life at all. I didn’t even bother reading any of it.
When I got back to the hotel, I changed my booking and packed up my room. I still had a suitcase filled with Fiona’s things. I hadn’t thought about that, since I’d taken what she’d needed from the case and put it in the wardrobe.
I gazed out the window at the hospital. There was a light on in her room, but it wasn’t her room any longer. Someone else had that room now, and I had no reason to look.
I guessed the best thing to do would be to take her stuff back over there and give it to her doctor.
Just walking through the hospital doors made my heart thud.
I didn’t want to think about the possibility that I might see Fiona. She wouldn’t be ready to leave her room yet. But the familiar sights and smells took me back to that time that seemed so long ago now, that time when I’d thought we had a future together. I ached to have that time back, but right now, I had to put my life into a holding pattern.
I couldn’t plan for the future, but I had what I had. This ache inside had to be ignored. I took the elevator up to the doctor’s office. I’d drop off the case and get the hell out of there.
Before I could enter his office, though, I heard him talking to someone. I didn’t want to interrupt, so I waited outside. Then I heard him mention Fiona’s name. I really didn’t want to eavesdrop, but I couldn’t move away. Even an indication that she was getting on okay would make me feel a lot better. I couldn’t ask the doctor for news straight out. He’d never tell me.
I leaned against the wall, feeling like scum for doing this but not able to move.
“If she needs further surgery, she’ll have to come back from Lyon in a few weeks,” the doctor said.
What? Come back? She wasn’t here at the hospital but somewhere else? Lyon?
“She’s very depressed,” the other voice said. “I think that needs to be our immediate concern.”
“She’ll get better care for that at the home than she would here. They have a lot more staff to deal with those kinds of issues.”
I heard them move and wanted to get away from the office door before the doctor saw me. I couldn’t let him know I’d been listening in like some horrible creeper. Knowing where Fiona was didn’t help me one bit. Chasing after her would betray her trust and make her retreat even further.
I’d go to the nurse’s station and leave the case there. Then I’d keep walking and continue on with my life.
Chapter 31: Fiona
I’D BEEN IN THIS HOSPITAL two weeks, but the days all ran together. I’d asked them to take my phone when I first got here so I’d have no temptation to call Matty. Every single day, I craved to ask for it back. Even if I didn’t call him, I’d be able to read somewhere about what he was up to. Every single time, I resisted, though.
A nurse came in each morning, and after I ate breakfast, she’d help me shower and dress, then she’d wheel me up for my physio sessions. I hated those sessions with a fiery passion, but at least they tired me out and gave me less time to think. I hated thinking, so I worked hard to exhaust myself.
After lunch, there were a bunch of activities I could do. This place was like a fancy club with all their options. Mostly, I just stayed in my room, looking out at the gardens. I didn’t want to interact with the other patients.
Most of the bandages had been removed from my face. I never looked at myself, and I didn’t want anyone else looking, either. I could feel the scars crisscrossing over my skin, their hard, waxy feel contrasting with the rest of my skin.
Sometimes, it seemed like I’d spent half my life in places like this, only before it’d been rehab centers and I’d spent my days planning ways to get out so I could score more drugs. This time, I dreaded the day I had to leave. I had no desire to return to the real world. Even with my heart breaking, this was the best place for me. I didn’t need to see anyone from the outside world. I didn’t need to interact.
The nurses here were very businesslike. Sometimes, I wondered how they were getting on in my old ward. I’d never found out if Nurse Lucy’s boyfriend had proposed to her, and I hadn’t been there to give her another makeover. I guessed their lives had moved on and I was just another patient.
When I got back to my room after physio that day, the nurse said she had someone she wanted me to meet.
“You know I don’t like interacting with the other patients,” I told her.
“Even if you don’t like it, you should meet this woman.”
I wasn’t sure what made this woman special, but the nurse seemed really insistent.
I sighed. “Do I have to stay long?”
“Not unless you want to. We can come back to your room anytime.”
“Okay.” I agreed, but I wasn’t sure this was a good idea.
The nurse wheeled me to another room. I hadn’t realized we were going to the patient’s room. Her room was on the ground floor, the same as mine, but hers looked out on another side of the building. It got the afternoon sun.
I looked around, but I couldn’t see anyone else in the room. That was strange. This room seemed warmer and more elegant than mine, with little touches like flowers on the tables and personal things around. A writing set and a gorgeous pen on the small desk.
Was she out somewhere? It wasn’t really polite for us to come to her room when she wasn’t there.
Then the woman wheeled herself out of the shadows. She greeted me but didn’t look me full in the face. Even sitting in that chair, she wore a tea dress with a large rose print. She could’ve been going to a garden party. I looked down at my sleepwear, and suddenly, it didn’t seem appropriate. There was no reason I couldn’t dress in real clothes.
The nurse left but hovered near the doorway.
“Fiona?” the woman asked.
Even though she kept the left side of her face turned away from me, I could see the scarring.
I nodded in answer to her greeting. Then I looked back at the doorway. I wasn’t sure what the nurse had in mind, but if this was meant to be one of those things where they introduced me to someone worse off than me to make me feel better, I wanted out of here now.
The nurse had wandered off.
“I’m Lilly,” the woman said, extending her hand.
I shook her hand. The woman had a gracefulness that was noticeable, even sitting in that wheelchair.
“I’ve seen you in magazines,” she said. “You’ve had an amazing career. Despite your history.”
Where was that nurse? I definitely needed to leave. Maybe I could wheel this chair myself. I’d been working hard on building my muscles. I didn’t need the nurse. Anything would be better than sitting here listening to this woman’s judgement on my life.
“Don’t leave,” Lilly said. “I just wanted to let you know that I know a few things about you.”
I didn’t say a word, but she continued talking.
“You’ve probably never heard of me, but I had my share of fame. Way before your time, of course. I was a dancer. I spent many years on the stage.”
That explained her graceful movements. She turned to me, and for the first time, I saw her face full-on. Burn scars covered one side. Although they were faded now, the scars were still noticeable.
“I was in a fire, and you can see the damage. That’s not the reason I’m here now, but I was thought of as one of the most beautiful women in the world in my day.”
My thoughts turned to pity. To have been that beautiful and have it all taken away. Maybe this woma
n stayed here now to avoid attention. I could understand that.
“In the long run, though, what does it matter?” she asked. “Beautiful or not, it’s all nothing.”
I shook my head. This woman was deluding herself if she thought that was something the world didn’t care about.
“But you lost your career. You lost everything.”
Lilly laughed. “I didn’t lose a thing, dear. I gained everything. Instead of living to be other people’s fantasies, I became my own woman. I traveled the world. I did the work I wanted to do. I fell in love and got married.”
I raised my eyebrows. Was she for real?
The nurse brought in a tray with a teapot and cups while we talked. Lilly told me about the work she’d done after the fire. She’d studied and become a veterinary surgeon.
“Animals don’t give a damn what you look like, my dear. I was rich, so I didn’t have to work, but that became my greatest joy. I volunteered overseas and worked with stray dogs who had no one else to care for them. I’ve been all over the place, and I like to think I’ve made a difference.”
Lilly poured the tea and offered me a cup.
“That’s what I should’ve done in the first place, instead of that stupid ballet. That’s why I’m here now. Years and years of excessive rehearsal have finally taken their toll. I’ve fucked up my legs. You know, during all those years of dancing and acclaim and admiration, all I ever wanted to do was eat a damn cake. Eat until I could eat no more. I spent too much of my life starving just so I could twirl around on my tiptoes.”
I nodded. I knew the feeling. Even after I’d quit modeling, it had felt like I could never indulge for fear I’d put on weight. During the time Matty and I had explored Paris, I’d see pastry shops and stare longingly through the windows, but I’d never go inside.
Madeline’s voice had echoed in my head. “Do you really want that? Do you want it more than your career? If you eat it, you’ll soon be back in that horrible apartment, scratching for a crust of bread because your mother’s spent all your money on smack.” That was the fear that had motivated me.
“You’re off that roundabout now,” Lilly said. “Never good enough, never pretty enough, never anything enough.” She laughed. “Eat the cake. Enjoy all of life’s pleasures, because that’s when you become a real person, my dear, not just a pretty trinket.”
I nodded, but it was okay for Lilly. She was old anyway. I had a lot of years ahead of me, more than a pep talk could make up for.
Chapter 32: Fiona
THE NEXT DAY, LILLY invited me to her room again.
Before I visited, I asked the nurse to get out my suitcase. It’d seemed pointless to bother getting dressed before, but suddenly it seemed like I had a purpose.
“You have such beautiful clothes,” the nurse said. “I wouldn’t waste in that old suitcase. Do you want me to hang them for you?”
I nodded and picked out an outfit to wear. I did my hair properly rather than just tying it back in a ponytail. I made a real effort, because it seemed rude to visit such a stylish lady looking unkempt. I didn’t put on makeup, though. Even though the doctor had said it would be okay now, I never bothered.
The nurse got the wheelchair for me.
“I can walk on my own,” I said. “There’s nothing wrong with my legs. And I’ve been doing enough exercise with that physio.”
The nurse shrugged. I guessed I could’ve been walking around the whole time I’d been here, but I’d been so passive about everything.
When I got to Lilly’s room, the first thing I spotted was the plate of macaroons sitting on the table, their jewel colors almost glowing.
“Is that allowed?” I asked.
Lilly shrugged. “Of course it’s allowed. Who the hell is going to stop me from having a treat?”
One look at her face confirmed that. She was one tough cookie, that was for sure.
“Stop it,” she ordered.
“Stop what?” I asked.
“You’re mentally calculating how many calories are in these, aren’t you?”
I blushed. She wasn’t wrong. I never once looked at food without doing that. I’d been doing it for so long, I wasn’t even conscious of it.
“How do you stay so thin, eating like this?” I asked.
“One macaroon won’t kill me.”
There was far more than one macaroon each on that plate.
“Eat. Enjoy,” Lilly said. “And don’t for one minute feel guilty.”
I picked up a glossy red macaroon, stopping to embrace the raspberry smell before I put it in my mouth. Everything about it filled me with pleasure. Not just the smell, but the color and the texture and the sweet-but-tart taste hitting my tongue.
How had I denied myself for so long? That damn thing seemed to explode in my mouth. I wanted to moan out loud from the sheer pleasure.
That afternoon, we chatted until the nurse came to tell me it was time to leave. We didn’t talk about medical things or our issues. We talked about travel and all the wonderful adventures we’d had in this world.
“Come back tomorrow,” Lilly said.
When I found out she went swimming, I wanted to go too. I asked the physio woman about it. I seemed to remember she’d mentioned it when I’d first arrived, but I’d brushed her off.
“You’ll need modified strokes to protect your left arm,” she said. “But we can work on it. It might be worth replacing some of the sessions here with pool sessions.”
For the next week, I went to Lilly’s room instead of staying on my own in the afternoon. The two of us could talk for hours. She was the first person I’d felt comfortable with since my accident. I’d never even felt that comfortable with Matty.
One day, while I was speaking with her, she put her head to the side and gave me a strange look.
“What?” I asked, smoothing my hair.
“You’ve started looking at me like a person, not like a victim. I know you tried to hide it, but you always had a trace of pity in your eyes before.”
I wanted to explain, but deep down, I knew she was right. I’d only be justifying myself, and I knew justifications wouldn’t cut it with this woman.
“How does he look at you?” she asked.
“Who?” I asked, staring into my teacup. I’d never mentioned Matty to Lilly.
“Your man. The one you’re running away from. Don’t deny it.”
I gulped. I really needed to think about that. How did he look at me? I’d avoided his gaze so often since the accident, not wanting him to look at me when I was like this. And to be honest, I’d been so wrapped up in my own self-pity that I’d never noticed.
“I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll never know.”
Lilly laughed. “Don’t be afraid to find out. Ask him to come here and find out for yourself.”
I shook my head. Would Matty come here if I asked him? Maybe he’d decided that life was better without me. I wanted him to feel no obligation toward me.
“You’ll only know if you ask,” Lilly said. “Then you can either be together or you can get over him forever. He might be a good man, the best man ever, but if he looks at you with pity, you’ll never be happy with him.”
I left Lilly’s room with so much churning in my head. I wanted to think this over. When I got back to my room, I had a message saying that Doctor Roche would see me the next day.
He needed to assess whether I needed further operations or not.
“Ah, Fiona, you look so much better,” he said when I went to my appointment. I wasn’t so sure.
He kept chatting as he examined me, but I didn’t really listen. It was hospital gossip, and that place seemed a whole world away.
Then he asked something that got my attention. “Has your partner been to see you here?”
I shook my head. “Of course not. This move was confidential. You know that.”
He took a step back and made some notes. “But still, he could find out, right? It’s not impossible.”
The way he said
it made me jolt. What was going on? The whole reason I’d come here was so he couldn’t find me. I didn’t want to be found. I’d made that perfectly clear.
“How would he find out? You said I had complete privacy.”
He didn’t look at me as he kept writing those notes. “It’s possible he may have overheard—he brought your suitcase to the hospital while I was talking to a colleague.”
What? He’d been talking about me when he knew Matty was there? Dr. Roche had totally betrayed my trust.
“You did that on purpose!”
“I did not. I was just a little overzealous.” He said that, but he didn’t look at me.
I’d known that Doctor Roche didn’t approve of my breaking it off with Matty, but that was none of his damn business. He had no right, no right at all. If I couldn’t trust my doctor, I didn’t want him treating me.
Anger welled up inside me. I wanted to get away from him and out of this hospital.
“You don’t require a second operation, but we should discuss plastic surgery options,” he said.
“No. We should discuss me returning home. I can continue my treatment there.”
I hadn’t considered that option before, but why not? I had nothing to gain from staying here, and I was well enough to travel. I would have to go out into the world with this face, which was the thing I dreaded most, but maybe it was time I put it all on the line.
Doctor Roche told me it’d be a few weeks before I could travel. I nodded. That worked out perfectly. There was something I needed to do before I returned home, and it’d take me a while to work up the courage. It would take more courage than I thought I had, but Lilly had raised a question I needed answered.
Matty had known where I was, but he hadn’t contacted me. What did that mean? That he wanted me out of his life, or that he wanted me to have this time for myself?
After my appointment, I went to the nurses’ station and asked for my phone back, even if I didn’t plan on using it for a while.
Chapter 33: Matty
WE’D COME TO THE END of the tour. One last show to play, and it would all be over. After that, I wasn’t sure what I’d be doing. The guys all wanted to have a break for a while, then get into the studio to record a new album in a few months’ time. I could go home and take a break myself, but home without Fiona was no home at all. Mom and Dad were still touring around Europe, so I could join them. Or I could spend a bit of time traveling on my own, but none of those options felt right. The only thing I had to fill the gap Fiona had left in my life was my music, and without that, I’d have to face the emptiness head-on.
Wilde Freak (Rock Stars on Tour, #4) Page 11