Soon, it becomes all too clear that the boy won’t ever open his eyes again. He won’t ever take another breath, and he’ll never have the chance to learn how to properly swim.
He’s drowned.
Honestly, I feel like I am drowning too.
Chapter 16
Two days. That's how long I hide away, pretending the rest of the world doesn't exist. I avoid people at all costs, and I eat whatever nature provides, including a bird that just flies out of the sky and lands dead at my feet.
My life is a mess, in shambles, falling apart, and more than that, I feel as if I am back to not knowing who I am. I fought so hard and long to learn who I am. I don’t want to merely be my parents’ daughter or Bay’s twin. I want to be someone of note because of my own merits.
What do I want to be known for? That I still do not know.
Pain. I’ve caused so many people pain, and I hate myself. I do, yes, I really do. There’s no worse feeling than looking inwardly at your past mistakes, forcing yourself to see yourself through a true lens instead of a filter, and realizing you don’t like the person you are inside.
I hate myself.
How can anyone want to be friends with such a selfish person? How can it be that the boys have hung around me so long?
Looks. That must be wise, and looks will only get you so far.
They don’t love me. Not truly. Whatever is going on between the three of us, it isn’t love. It’s toxic, and it’s wrong. I’m wrong.
I used to think that loving a person meant that the very best of me would come shining forth, that the days would seem happier, the sun brighter. Fire and brimstone, if this is love, then I want no part of it because I am in complete and utter misery.
The thought of losing either of them terrifies me, but the past few days have allowed me to realize what I must do.
I have to let them go.
Both of them.
If it’s love, it will happen. If not… Well, if not, then I will need to move on. The sooner, the better.
As for Bay and Zoth… I do not know love. How can I judge their relationship if I am not willing to even consider that they might love each other? Their love might not be like the love between two fairies. Maybe a demon truly can find love.
Honestly, I don't even feel as if I am myself at all as I fly back over the gates of Light Fae Academy. Despite the daze I'm in, I notice an increased number of security guards flying about. One flies up to me.
Bracken.
“Rosemary.”
“Yes?” I glance around. “Is something wrong?”
“You might want to return to your cottage immediately.”
“Why?” I ask. My stomach twists with dread. “Did something happen?”
He opens and shuts his mouth.
His hesitation only serves to increase my anxiety. “Bracken, tell me. Please.”
“Just listen to me and go to your cottage.”
His tone, his words, his features… He’s worried about something, and it takes a lot for him to be worried.
My heart pounds as I nod and start to fly toward my cottage. My flight isn’t the swiftest, and I can’t help but notice that most everyone is in their cottages. How do I know that? Because of all of the faces in the windows. So many people are looking at me.
One girl’s scowl is clearly visible. When I make eye contact, her scowl deepens.
At first, I brush it off. I don’t even know who she is. But then I notice other students are glaring at me. There’s no doubt that their mean, spiteful expressions are geared toward me. My stomach is in so many knots that I think I’m going to be sick.
Yes, Bay told me that the fairies on campus thought that I was dark, but seeing this is proof.
Even though it feels as if I have the weight of the world on my back, I zoom along, flying as fast as I can to my cottage. The windows are all shut, the door locked, and I have to knock to be let in. I never bother to bring a key with me.
Dahlia’s the one to open the door, and the look of sheer compassion on her face has tears streaming down my face. I fall into her arms, and she just holds me, murmuring it’ll be all right, that I don’t need to worry, that they’ll figure something out for Illumination class.
Hearing this, I draw back. “Illumination class?” I ask.
She hands me a tissue. “Yes, isn’t that why you’re… Don’t you know what happened?”
I shake my head, unable to talk.
“Professor Luna…” Dahlia takes a deep breath. “She’s been murdered.”
“No.” I sink to the ground, my knees hitting the ground hard. I don’t even worry about the pain. “No, that’s not possible. Thistle is gone. He’s locked up and—”
“Thistle didn’t do this. You’re right. He’s locked up.”
“No. Not again. This can’t be happening again! Why Professor Luna? She was such a good instructor, one of the best here!”
“No one knows why. There’s no note, no motive that anyone can tell.”
“When did this happen?” I ask.
“I don’t know exactly when. She didn’t show up for class two days ago, but that doesn’t mean for certain that she was killed that early. They noticed some flower pollen on her body that isn’t found anywhere near campus.”
“How…” I swallow hard and have to try again. “How did she die?”
“I don’t know. The guards won’t say because they don’t want us to panic.” She squeezes my shoulder. “I’m just so glad you’re here, that you’re back! I was so worried that you were…”
“That I what?” I ask.
She bites her lower lip and stares at the ground.
“You were worried I was off investigating?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “Well, I was worried you were investigating, and that this time…”
“No. I didn’t know. I…”
Just then, Wren enters the living room. Her eyes grow wide, and she darts over to me.
“Don’t worry. I’m fine,” I tell her.
But she’s shaking her head. “Where were you?” she asks in a strange tone.
“I just needed to get away.”
“Where were you?” she repeats.
I swallow hard. “You don’t think I had anything to do with this, do you?”
Wren’s face softens. “Of course I don’t, but…”
Now, all of the looks, the scowls, the glares all make sense.
“I swear… I just needed to get away. I didn’t know… I had no idea…”
“I understand,” Wren murmurs.
“Where’s Bay?” I ask.
Dahlia and Wren exchange a glance.
“She’s not here?” I ask, my heart falling.
“She hasn’t been here for a few hours,” Dahlia says.
A few hours. Maybe she realized I was gone.
“Do you have any idea where she is?” I ask. “Maybe she went to see Zoth.”
I start toward the door, but Wren grabs my arm.
“You can’t leave.”
“Yes, I—”
“You can’t,” Dahlia interjects. “We’re under lockdown. We aren’t even allowed to go to classes right now.”
“But…” I swallow hard. “There wasn’t even a lockdown with all the murders from Thistle!”
“After everything with Spring, the person in charge of the security here on campus was fired,” Wren says.
"I heard that." I flinch because that knowledge came from Thistle of all people. "I take it that not everyone was happy about the lack of a lockdown with the murders on campus last year."
"Exactly why the second guy was forced down."
“Who is the head now?”
“Pine.” Wren stares at the ground.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“Pine has been so busy lately that I feel as if we aren’t even together anymore. It’s hard. Really hard. I didn’t realize how much I cared for him until now when it feels like he’s pushing me away.”
; “I’m sorry. He does have to solve a murder,” I say softly.
“Yes, but he started as the head a month ago.”
“He did? Why didn’t you say anything?” I ask.
"You always seemed so busy." Wren shrugs. "And, yeah, he'll be too busy now anyhow, so I guess it's for the best."
I just shake my head. “Is there anyone they suspect?”
“No idea. The security guards aren’t saying much of anything.” Dahlia heaves a sigh. “Everything’s a mess.”
“You’re telling me.” I eye Wren. “If we’re under lockdown, how did Bay manage to get out?”
Wren shrugs one shoulder. “You know Bay,” she mumbles.
The idea of Bay running to be with Zoth when there’s been a murder makes my stomach clench. I grind my teeth. This thinking is why my life is falling apart. Maybe it’s better for her to not be here. After all, there’s been a murder.
Professor Luna. Out of all of the professors, why her? She was one of my favorite professors here, although I have to admit that I haven’t been able to quite get out of the class what I’ve wanted to just yet. I’ve opened my mind some, but I haven’t been able to enough to see who I truly am and who I want to become and how. Something’s holding me back, and I think it’s fear.
Fear. That’s what’s been hovering around me since I started coming here. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. And that’s not to mention the fear stemming from the thefts, arsons, murders.
Fear. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s fear.
Chapter 17
Two days pass, and there’s still no sign of Bay. There’s been no lift of the lockdown either, no classes either. To say I’m going insane is a little bit of an understatement.
“They can’t keep us in our cottages forever,” Wren says.
“We are almost out of food,” Dahlia says.
The three of us are in the kitchen. It’s lunchtime, but once again, I find myself without an appetite.
“You should eat, Rosemary,” Dahlia says.
“I’m not hungry.” I can’t even give a half-smile.
“You’re upset about what happened, huh?” Wren asks.
“That one of my professors was murdered? Yes.”
Dahlia and Wren exchange a look.
I sigh and wearily rub my forehead. “You know about the fight?”
“Don’t you mean fights?” Wren asks. She has a habit of being almost too direct and matter-of-fact at times.
“Yes, fights. Yes, I’m upset about them too. But I’m honestly not hungry. I’m gonna go lie down.”
Without waiting for a response, I fly back to my room. Orchid’s there, on her bed. She closes her book and clears her throat.
“I’m going to sleep,” I inform her preemptively.
“You can after we talk a bit.”
I shake my head. “I’m not in the mood to talk.”
“Can you give one of your closest friends a minute?”
“I can, but that doesn’t mean the minute has to be right now.”
She gives me a look that will probably make her future children stop whatever they’re doing and start listening up.
“What do you want to talk about?” I ask, giving in.
“Do you know how much Sage cares for you? He’s such a good guy. He really is.”
“Do you know we fought? Sage and I? Damon and I? And now there’s this lockdown, and yeah, I could call them, but it’s all just a… Fire and brimstone, it’s a mess. I don’t think a phone call will do any good, and it could do harm.”
“I’m sure he would like to hear from you,” she says softly.
“Why would you think that? I hurt him. We both said things that we regret, or at least I regret some of what I said.”
“So apologize to him. Talk to him. You truly liked him for so long and—”
“That doesn’t mean we’re meant to be together.”
“Why not?” she asks.
“That’s not how it always goes,” I say sadly.
“So, you want to be with Damon instead?” she asks. “Why? Sage is hotter—”
“They’re both hot,” I counter.
“Sage has those amazing green eyes.”
“Yes, but—”
"And he's strong, and you said you enjoyed your first time with him. The credit for that lies with him. It's not always enjoyable the first time."
“Orchid, please, can we change the subject?”
“But Sage is the fairy for you. Why do you keep fighting that?”
I bite my tongue, hesitating. When I do talk, it’s to change the topic. “I really need to decide what I want to do with my life after I graduate.”
“Well, you clearly love to solve crimes,” Orchid starts.
“I don’t love it. It just kind of happens.”
“You love it.”
I scowl, waiting for her to say something about my courting danger, but she doesn’t.
"Why don't you become an investigator?" Orchid asks. "I think you would be really good at that."
“Don’t forget that I didn’t solve either of those cases I was involved with. Spring outed herself, and Thistle did the same. I never would’ve suspected him.”
“The end result is all that matters,” Orchid says.
“No. How you reach those end results matter. We can’t just do anything and everything that may or may not help us to solve a crime. There needs to be logic and plans and hypotheses.”
Orchid laughs. “Is that even a word? Hypotheses?”
“Yes, it’s real,” I grumble.
She just laughs even harder.
“What about the fae and humans investigating together?” I ask, blurting out the words and probably talking quicker than she can hear and understand my words.
Her eyes grow wide. “Rosemary, that’s not what I meant,” she protests.
“Why not? Humans are at such a disadvantage, and they face violence too.”
“Yes, human-on-human violence. They can take care of their own.”
“But—”
“Why do you care about the humans so much?”
I flinch. “Why don’t you?”
“I just think we need to worry about our kind.”
“Our kind,” I repeat slowly. “I’ve been fighting with just about everyone lately, so please don’t take this the wrong way. I’m not trying to start an argument with you. I’m really not.”
“But…” she prompts.
“Is that why you think I should be with Sage and not Damon? Because Damon’s part demon?”
Orchid bites her lower lip and turns thoughtful. “I guess? Maybe? But it’s because of worrying that Damon will lead you toward darkness.”
“But what if I can guide him to the light?”
“You want to fix him,” she says. “You want to change him, and that’s not how a relationship should be.”
“No, that’s just it. Maybe I do want to guide him toward the light, but I wouldn’t say that I specifically want to change him. I like Damon for who he is.”
“But Sage is smart, good, kind, hot—”
“The same can be said about Damon,” I point out.
“Damon is kind?” she asks doubtfully.
“He is. He was very sweet when I let him know I needed space after everything with Thistle. And some of the calls we had over break were sweet too.”
“And Sage? How was he?”
“He flirted harder than Damon did.” I rub the back of my neck. “I got in a fight with both of them.”
“And Bay too,” she says softly.
I flinch and lower my head. “She told you?”
“She came here and broke a few things in her room. I asked her if she was all right, if something happened with her boyfriend, and we had the longest conversation that we’ve ever had. She’s really hurting, Rosemary.”
“I…”
"You're me," she murmurs. "Can't you see that? You're me, and Zoth is Damon. You know that Zoth isn't good for Bay, but you wo
n't see that Damon isn't good for you either."
“Have you ever talked to Damon? Have you seen anything that I should know about?”
She says nothing.
“You haven’t, have you? You’re just going off on him because of his background. He can’t help who his parents are.”
Orchid sighs. “Sage is so fiercely protective of you.
“Maybe too protective,” I grumble.
“Is that even possible?”
“Yes, it’s a thing.” I heave a sigh. “I don’t even know why either of them like me, and honestly, just talking about them, wondering about who I should be with… It feels wrong right now, given everything with Professor Luna.”
Orchid wraps her arm around me. "You don't have to feel ashamed for taking the time to work out your own issues. That's the point of Illumination. She would want you to be able to open your mind."
“It’s my heart that needs to be open,” I mumble.
“Maybe it’s too open, and that’s why you can’t pick.”
“But still, why do they want to be with me? I’ve done nothing but hurt them.”
Orchid shrugs. “Maybe you should call them, talk to them. Make amends. All friendships can go through ups and downs. Ours did at first.”
I grimace. “Again, because of me. I’m… I am a selfish person, aren’t I?”
“You tend to be very focused on things to the point of neglecting others, yes, but that’s some of what makes you a good friend too. You tend to be fiercely loyal.”
“Yeah, loyal to me.”
“Not just you.” She nudges her shoulder into mine. “Stop being so hard on yourself.”
“I just feel like I’m drowning,” I murmur, staring at my hands. The image of the drowned boy comes to mind, and I start to sob.
Orchid tries to comfort me, but I can’t be. I’m so distraught that I’m bawling and making a terrible mess of myself. I really am not one of those girls who can cry gracefully. Bay is, though. It’s one of our many differences.
Finally, I just stop crying. Inwardly, I’m just as upset as I was when I was bawling, but I’m able to hide it now.
Light Fae Academy: Year Three Page 8