Unravelled

by Jade Winters

  I’ve caught him at a bad time. It was always the same. When things weren’t going well for him, whatever the reason, the snide comments came out in full force.

  ‘Don’t worry about it. I’ll sort it.’

  Steve sighed. ‘Look, you’ve called me now. Just tell me what you want. Is it something for the kids?’

  Lindsay could have taken this opportunity to tell him yes, especially as he hadn’t kept his promise to pay maintenance. But she decided to wait to broach that subject. The amount of money she needed now far outweighed the paltry sum Steve was meant to pay.

  ‘No, it’s not for the kids … it’s for me. I need help.’

  ‘With?’

  ‘I need money, Steve. At least five grand to settle things … I can pay you back monthly—’

  ‘I think I can manage that—’

  ‘Are you being serious?’

  ‘Deadly. I can transfer it to your account today.’

  Something didn’t sound right in his voice. Steve being this helpful raised a massive red flag. He wanted something. But what?

  ‘Okay, so what do you want in return?’

  ‘That’s simple. You.’

  Lindsay thought she’d misheard him. ‘Me?’

  ‘Yes, you.’

  Lindsay took a moment to weigh up the pros and cons. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t slept with him before. And it would mean an instant solution to her problem. Only to be replaced by another one. One much, much worse.

  ‘Steve, you know that’s not going to happen. I can’t be unfaithful to Kim. I love her—’

  ‘Which means you didn’t love me …’

  ‘Steve—’

  ‘Lindsay …’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Fuck off.’

  The line went dead.

  Really, what did I expect? I put my big foot in it again.

  Instinctively, Lindsay headed to the kitchen and went straight to the fridge.

  Her hand gripped the bottle of wine. One glass would be enough to calm her down; enough to think about the mess she had fallen into. It wasn’t as if she needed it. She’d been sober for the past few weeks. Not a single drop had passed her lips. What harm could it do now?

  Her hand trembled as she fought the temptation. She had to exert an extraordinary amount of willpower to think of something other than booze.

  Closing her eyes, she thought of work and how well it was going. She also had much more time and energy to spend with Katie and Jake. How proud Kim seemed to be of her now.

  Her eyes opened and she moved slowly towards the kitchen sink, positioning the bottle over the edge.

  She would find a way to sort out the credit card bill even if it meant working twelve hour shifts. Her next door neighbour already helped with child care.

  ‘I will not let life beat me,’ she said out loud as she tilted the bottle and watched its contents swirl down the drain.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  ‘Shit! Shit! Shit!’ Rae checked the strip again. One strip. It was a no-go.

  Maybe it takes a little more time to show the real result. She decided to wait for the second strip to appear. Her impatience had always been her bane, but lately it had become insufferable to practice patience. Every other day she was weeing on another cruel plastic stick.

  For the past few months, she checked the calendar and kept meticulous notes to predict when she was ovulating. She had done everything that was asked of her, but the lack of progress made her want to throw in the towel.

  That was until she thought of Callum. He was all the motivation she needed to continue. Fifteen minutes passed and the strip still showed a resounding negative.

  ‘Why can’t I get pregnant?’ She stifled a cry of frustration, flinging the not so magic wand into the bathroom bin. ‘What’s my bloody problem?’

  There was a gentle tap on the door. ‘Everything okay, Rae?’ Callum asked from the other side.

  Rae rolled her eyes and bit her lip, ‘Fine. I’m just ... frustrated.’

  ‘About?’

  ‘The toilet paper. You know what an annoyance it is to get that first part loose without tearing the whole bloody thing apart? I’ll be out in a minute.’

  Callum chuckled outside the door and his footsteps faded down the hallway. She could not admit defeat yet. It was not so much infuriating as it was frightening. With every failed attempt she felt as if she was losing her grip on Callum. Rae’s bottom lip inadvertently started to quiver. Her wet eyelids blinked profusely under the strain of thought.

  Maybe she was just being too stubborn by not asking for help. Loads of women had problems conceiving. Maybe if they went to a fertility clinic they could find out once and for all if it was her fault, or Callum’s.

  Her desperation overshadowed her uncertainty, and by dinner time Rae had succumbed to the urgency and confessed to Callum that she thought something was amiss with her.

  ‘I’m just wasting valuable time by hoping, praying each month that I’m going to get a different result.’

  ‘I agree.’

  ‘You do?’

  ‘I’ll make an appointment for us with a doctor on Harley Street,’ he said, taking Rae’s hand in his own. ‘Until we find out what’s wrong with you, we’ll just have to keep practicing, won’t we?’ he joked.

  How do you know it’s not you shooting blanks? ‘You won’t hear any complaints from me in that department,’ Rae said praying that it was Callum who was the problem.

  If it was her, she knew there’d be no hope.

  She’d be tossed aside for a younger, fertile woman. Callum wouldn’t give her a second thought.

  ***

  After two visits, a consultation and a morning of tests on both of them, the doctor confirmed that the problem was with Rae.

  ‘There’s some considerable damage to your fallopian tubes, Ms. Webber,’ Doctor Stead reported with a blank face.

  The doctor took a breath and folded his hands on the desk. ‘Fallopian tubes carry the eggs from the ovaries to the uterus, as you might know, and sometimes they can prevent contact between the egg and sperm.’ His balding head moved in a bird-like manner. ‘In your case, this obstruction is caused by irreversible endometriosis which has caused scar tissue formation and fallopian tube damage. I’m afraid your age is also an issue. You have a low ovarian reserve meaning fewer good quality eggs. So even without the scar tissue your chances of conceiving are still very low.’

  Rae no longer paid attention to what the doctor was saying. All she saw was his mouth moving. She had heard all she needed. She was not going to have Callum’s baby and that was the end of that.

  Neither of them said a word on the way home. Both lost in their own little worlds. As sad as Rae felt about not being able to conceive, she couldn’t deny she felt a slight sense of relief. She was only too aware of the dangers and complications of having a baby at her age. If she’d been able to she would have reluctantly gone through with it, but the fact that it was impossible for her to have a baby somehow alleviated the pressure and guilt.

  ‘Tea, or something stronger?’ Rae asked Callum when they arrived home. She was careful not to sound too cheerful as Callum still looked distraught. It was as if the doctor had told them that she’d lost a baby.

  Callum was yet to speak. He had been silent from the moment they’d left the doctor’s office.

  ‘Will you bloody say something? Don’t you think I feel bad enough as it is without you giving me the silent treatment.’

  Callum shrugged. ‘What do you want me to say? That I’m happy about you ruining my chances of becoming a dad. Well I’m not. Okay? I’m gutted. Can’t you understand that?’

  Tears sprang to Rae’s eyes. ‘I do, Callum. But it’s not as if I did this deliberately. Look, I’m sure we can work something out. Maybe—’

  ‘What, Rae? What can we work out?’ He snarled. ‘You heard what the doctor said. There’s no chance. There’s not going to be a baby, no matter how much you think you can magically conjure
one up out of thin air.’

  Rae rushed over to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, tears streaming down her face. ‘Please, Callum, I know what the doctor said. I was there. Remember? It’s my body that’s not working properly, not yours. So have a little heart ...’

  Callum roughly pushed her away from him and dropped onto an armchair. He held his head in his hands. ‘Heart? What a joke. I blame myself for all of this.’

  I can’t believe his behaviour. ‘Come on—’

  He glanced up at her. ‘I should never have pinned my hopes on someone like you—’

  ‘Like me?’ She was taken aback, her eyes flashed and the flow of tears slowed. ‘What the hell does that mean?’

  ‘You know exactly what I mean,’ he said with feigned innocence. ‘Someone past their sell by date.’

  Rae’s hand flew to her mouth as if she had been struck. I can’t believe he just said that to me. Past my sell by date? Too stunned to respond she stood there—mute.

  To her shock, Callum wasn’t finished. He stood and moved towards her while he carried on with his verbal assault. ‘I’ve invested so much time in you, and for what? For you to let me down—’

  ‘How the hell have I let you down? I have a medical condition—’

  ‘I loved you ...’

  The use of the past tense wasn’t lost on her. In his eyes was the stark truth. It was obvious what he was really thinking. ‘In some sick way, you think I did this to myself, so I couldn’t have a baby?’

  ‘I asked one thing of you. Just one,’ he said stabbing at her chest with his index finger. ‘And you couldn’t even give me that.’

  ‘Is that all I am to you? A means to an end?’ She shook her head slowly from side to side. ‘You know what? I’m starting to think I might have saved myself a whole lot of aggravation—’

  Callum’s voice suddenly dropped in tone, sounding less self-assured. Tentative. ‘Now look who’s being silly.’

  ‘Am I? Really?’

  He looked at her mulish for a second then his expression softened. ‘Of course you are. We’re both feeling emotional at the moment. We’ve had some bad news to contend with.’ He held out his hand for her to take. ‘Bickering isn’t going to solve our problem.’

  She dropped her gaze to his hand, ignored it, then looked back to his face. ‘That was not bickering, Callum. You said some really horrible things to me.’

  ‘I know. And I’m sorry. Really sorry.’ He dropped a swift kiss on her forehead. ‘Let’s not fight anymore. We’ll sort it out somehow. I know we will.’

  His eyes were glassy and his forlorn expression made him look like a lost little boy, facing the fact that what he wanted most was now out of reach. In that second, his harsh words were all but forgotten. ‘Callum.’ She stroked his cheek. ‘We’ve just got to be realistic about this. There’s no point burying our heads in the sand.’

  ‘Doctor’s aren’t always right you know.’

  ‘I think in this case he is,’ she said regretfully.

  Rae pulled him into an embrace and squeezed him tightly. The fact that he was still there and hadn’t abandoned her, even though she had crushed his dreams, made her love him even more.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Jake and Katie ran towards their group of friends in the school playground. Just as Lindsay was about to leave Jake’s teacher, Ms Mitchell, summoned her by a gesture of her hand.

  Oh God, not Miss Grumpy, Lindsay sneered as she waved. She loathed having to speak to this particular teacher. The woman’s vibe bothered her. It had been like that from their first meeting.

  Reluctantly, Lindsay crossed the playground in the light drizzle of rain.

  ‘Good morning, Mrs Baxter.’ The high-pitched voice of Ms Mitchell cut through Lindsay’s ears, she gritted her teeth in response.

  ‘It’s Miss,’ Lindsay forced a smile. ‘But you can call me Lindsay.’

  ‘Okay, Lindsay. May I have a word?’

  ‘Does it have to be right now? I’m gonna be late for work if I don’t shoot off. Can we do this some other time?’ Lindsay asked, exhaling a heavy sigh.

  She had only been working at the care home for a couple of months and now wasn’t the time to be rocking the boat with her boss by being late. Her wages hardly punched a dent in their existing debt, but it kept food on the table and she needed to keep the job.

  ‘I’m afraid I’ve been putting it off as long as I could,’ Ms Mitchell replied with urgency and an expression that bordered on pity.

  ‘Is it about Jake’s behaviour?’ Lindsay rushed the conversation along as she glanced at the time on her phone. ‘Has he been misbehaving?’

  ‘Mrs … Miss … Lindsay, no. Not at all. Little Jake’s adorable. An absolute pleasure to teach.’

  Lindsay frowned.

  ‘I want to talk to you about the trip to Norfolk.’

  ‘Norfolk?’

  ‘Yes. Jake hasn’t said if he’s coming or not. I can’t keep delaying confirming the numbers. The seats need to be booked.’

  Lindsay’s cheeks heated and she brushed back the tears welling in her eyes. Her voice was filled with emotion when she spoke. ‘Jake didn’t mention a trip.’

  ‘That’s surprising. He seemed very keen to go.’

  My poor little baby. Lindsay knew exactly why Jake hadn’t told her. He didn’t want to worry her about money. Things were worse than she thought. First Katie asking if they were poor, and now this. She wasn’t about to tell a complete stranger her ex had gone back on his word to pay maintenance but she had to tell her something. ‘We’re really going through a hard time at the moment—’

  Ms Mitchell smiled, indicating she understood her dilemma. ‘I’ll tell you what. Let me see what I can do to help. Perhaps I could see if there’s a charity we could apply to. Would you be okay with that?’ She laid her hand gently on Lindsay’s forearm.

  It was too late. The tears came without permission. ‘I would ... r-real-ly appreciate ...’

  ‘I know. I know. Don’t fret, all right? You just get to work,’ Ms Mitchell soothed as she led Lindsay away to the gates.

  ***

  The day hadn’t been an easy one. Despite her promise to Ms Mitchell that she wouldn’t fret, Lindsay did nothing but. How could she not? It seemed the lack of finances was putting pressure not only on Kim and herself, but the children as well. She was at a loss what to do. She was working as many hours as she could. There was nothing left for her to sell on eBay. Maybe I should sell myself.

  Lost in thought about ways to make some quick cash, she didn’t hear her colleague call out to her as she strode along the corridor towards the kitchen.

  ‘Lindsay!’

  ‘Alex. Sorry, I was miles away,’ she said, shaking her head, her ponytail bouncing.

  ‘There’s someone here to see you. Dinner needs to be served in five minutes, so make it quick, ’kay?’ Alex said as she backed away down the hallway.

  Lindsay nodded. A visitor? She hoped it wasn’t her next door neighbour, Shelly, to see her about Katie or Jake.

  Reaching the ground floor, Lindsay was taken aback to see Rae seated in the reception area. What the hell is she doing here? She looks awful. The ‘glow’ that she exuded the last time they’d met was long gone, replaced instead with pale skin and sunken eyes.

  ‘Hey,’ Rae said, as she stood up and gave Lindsay a tight hug.

  Rae’s jumper hung from her frame and her skinny jeans sagged around her backside.

  ‘Jesus, Rae, you look like shit. What’s wrong?’ A cold tremor meandered down Lindsay’s spine. ‘Has something happened to Bourbon?’

  Rae shook her head as she lowered herself onto the chair, her gaze fixed straight ahead. ‘I’m really sorry to bother you at work, but I’ve been driving myself crazy.’

  ‘It’s all right. My boss isn’t around today.’ Lindsay took a seat beside her. ‘What’s got you in this state?’

  Rae cupped her head in both palms. ‘Callum’s desperate to be a father.’

/>   ‘Okayyy,’ Lindsay said, unsure of how to respond.

  ‘And we’ve been trying to have a baby ...’ Rae’s voice stopped short of her last consonant, her body curled forward over her lap as the flood of tears came.

  Lindsay rested her hand on Rae’s shoulder. She said nothing, just allowed Rae some time to recover, find her breath, and continue.

  ‘I ...’ Rae started in a trembling voice, ‘... I can’t ... I’ll never be able to conceive, Lindsay,’ she exclaimed and broke down in another onslaught of tears.

  ‘But you never wanted children.’

  ‘I know, I was doing it for him. I wanted to give him this one thing and I can’t.’

  ‘Are you sure? I mean have you seen a specialist?’

  ‘Yes.’ Rae snapped her head up. Her reaction was not hostile, but rather denoted a sense of forlorn loss that evoked a deep sadness in Lindsay. ‘We even got a second opinion and a third. All Callum wants is a baby and it’s the only bloody thing I can’t give him.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. He’s not that shallow. He loves you Rae—’

  ‘You don’t understand. He wants a baby more than anything. Even me. Do you know what he’s going to do now?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘He’s going to dump me, that’s what. He’s going to find someone whose womb isn’t barren. Oh, Christ. I can’t lose him, Lindsay. I can’t.’

  Rae collapsed into Lindsay’s arms and sobbed hysterically.

  ‘You aren’t going to lose him. There are other solutions.’

  Rae drew back slightly and her face lit up with hope. ‘Like what?’

  ‘I dunno, adoption maybe?’

  Rae’s eyes clouded over. ‘Callum would never go for that. He doesn’t want someone else’s child. He wants his own.’

  ‘In that case what about … surrogacy?’

  Rae’s eyes widened. A long pause followed where her face was completely blank, devoid of any emotion. Rae sniffed and wiped her tears away with the back of her hand. ‘No.’

  ‘Why not? It’s the perfect solution. Not to mention you’ll escape having to carry the little bugger for nine months,’ she added lightly.