The Baby They Longed For

by Marion Lennox

  Except she didn’t actually know where hormonal Addie had come from. She’d been hiding...well, for most of her life. All her life?

  She’d never felt like this with Gavin. Maybe there’d been a spark for her French teacher when she’d been twelve but who wouldn’t have gone weak at the knees for a guy who spoke her name like it was the sexiest name in the world? Adeline in French...

  She shivered and Noah was all concern. ‘You’re cold?’

  ‘Nope. Just remembering...something I should have forgotten.’ She gave herself a mental shake, relegating M’sieur Gauthier to obscurity, then attempted to do the same with Noah. It didn’t quite work. ‘Yes, the race is off,’ she managed. ‘Racing you is ridiculous. Show me where the agates are.’

  She sounded brusque, even angry, but he didn’t seem to mind. He watched her for a moment, assessing?

  She didn’t like the way he looked at her. Or maybe she did but it had her totally...discombobulated? She felt twelve years old all over again, ready to stammer over her French primer.

  ‘You need to swim around the rocks on this side,’ he told her. ‘It’s deep water but at the far side there’s a shelf where the agates seem to have collected. It’s only about two metres deep.’

  ‘I can dive that far,’ Addie told him, and turned away to swim.

  Two metres?

  She was already way out of her depth.

  * * *

  Finding the perfect agate was a laborious business, because Noah was fussy.

  He was right in that there were plenty of stones. He dived and spent a little time choosing before bringing a few special ones to the surface for inspection. Addie wasn’t as good at staying under water. She dived, grab a handful of whatever she could grab, then dumped them on a rock ledge to sort, while Noah dived some more.

  It was disconcerting, holding onto the ledge, sorting stones, while Noah dived underneath her.

  It was more than disconcerting, though. She had to concede that it felt good. Or more than good. Gorgeous?

  The sun was on her face. The water was cool and lovely. Daisy had discovered she could reach their ledge by clambering over the rocks, so she had a puppy in her face helping her sort.

  Noah was diving like the seal he was, bringing up stones for her inspection.

  And the stones needed very careful inspection. She didn’t need to dive again with Noah.

  She was scared to?

  Oh, for heaven’s sake...

  She sorted and Noah dived until he was sure he had enough to check himself. Finally he heaved himself up onto the ledge.

  He was wearing boxers. Nothing else. Lean, muscled, tanned...dark hair dripping water across his face...

  She was still in the water, holding the ledge with one hand while she sorted with the other. He was right above her.

  M’sieur Gauthier was relegated to even more obscurity.

  ‘What have we got?’ he asked, checking the pile, and she thought, trouble, that’s what she had, but somehow she made herself answer.

  ‘I think...there are some good ones... We could sort them back at the beach.’

  ‘Let’s do it here,’ he said. ‘We only need one or two. We should drop the rest back where they came from so some other couple needing special stones can find them.’

  Couple...

  Yeah, okay, her mind was ditzy. One word should not make her feel like this.

  She didn’t answer. She focussed on stones and after a moment’s silence—a moment where the word couple seemed to hang over them—so did Noah.

  The stones Noah selected were small, pea-to marble-sized, deep black with white flecks. They’d been smoothed by years of rolling in the surf, glossy when wet but already losing their gloss as they dried.

  ‘They’ll come up magnificently when they’re tumbled,’ he said, picking up a small stone, wetting it again and holding it to the light. ‘This one... Look at the depth of the black and the purity of the white. But the white forms a line, almost a division. I’m looking for a white heart.’

  ‘Tumbled?’ she queried. She sort of knew what tumbling stones involved but it was easier than following the other line of thought. Hearts...

  Why was everything getting away from her? This was a morning spent collecting precious stones. Why make it something it wasn’t?

  ‘My grandpa used to collect gemstones,’ he told her. ‘He had a tumbler. I remember being awed at the way the stones were transformed. Now I’m not going to London...’ he abandoned the stone he was checking and picked up another ‘...maybe I could buy me a tumbler.’

  ‘But... If you don’t get custody of Sophie, you need to go to London.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because that’s what you planned.’

  ‘Nope,’ he said easily. ‘I planned on getting away. I planned on changing my life. Somehow that’s already happened.’

  ‘Noah, I won’t be responsible for—’

  ‘You’re responsible for nothing, Addie,’ he told her, suddenly firm. ‘I’m a grown man and I make my own decisions. Staying in Australia? Buying a tumbler?’ He hesitated. He glanced down at her and she saw the flash of sudden uncertainty. Vulnerability?

  ‘Maybe even falling in love?’ he added, so quietly that for a moment she thought she must have misheard.

  She hadn’t, though. The tiny waves washed in and out of the cove. Daisy rushed across and pounced on the pile of discarded stones, then rushed away again.

  The words stayed where they were.

  Falling in love?

  ‘No.’ She said it flatly. It was as if there was a shield somewhere within her that had to be raised. It was heavy, cumbersome, hard to raise but somehow she managed it.

  ‘Why not? Other people do.’

  ‘You wouldn’t say it if I wasn’t pregnant. If you didn’t think I needed you.’

  ‘You don’t think I might say it despite the fact that you’re pregnant?’ He tucked a wet curl back from her eyes, setting it behind her ear. He did it with surgical precision, as if it was infinitely important that the curl be set just so. ‘You’re adorable, Addie.’

  ‘Daisy’s adorable.’ She was having trouble catching her breath.

  ‘So she is, but she’s not someone I’d choose to marry.’

  Marry.

  Memories flooded back like a tsunami, the months, no, years, of planning the wedding of the century, her mother’s joy, the culmination of the interminable car journey to church. And then... Her mother’s pain. Gavin’s mum’s pain. No one knowing what to say. Standing in the sunshine in her stupid white tulle, dropping her overblown bouquet at her feet, knowing she looked ridiculous, hating Gavin with every fibre of her being, Gavin who, minutes before, she’d thought was her best friend...

  Gavin, who’d accused her...of needing him.

  ‘You really think that’s what I’d want?’ she whispered, appalled. ‘Marriage?’

  ‘Um...possibly not,’ he said ruefully. ‘Can you forget I said it? It was a stupid thing to say and it’s scared us both. Marriage doesn’t have to come into it. Not for a long, long time, maybe not for ever. But love... Addie, maybe we could concede it’s possible. I know it’s too soon but...’

  ‘Both of us have tried before.’ Her voice was hard. The armour was finally raised, hammered into place by shock and fear. ‘Both of us know it’s a disaster. Love comes with strings that break your heart. I don’t need it.’

  ‘Are we talking about need, or talking about love?’

  ‘They work the same. I can’t take the chance...’

  ‘I’m not asking you to take a chance.’ He was starting to sound exasperated. ‘I’m asking you to drop your barriers for a bit because all they do is hurt. I’m asking to get to know you better. I want to see what makes you laugh, makes you cry. I want to learn what you like on your toast. I want to see you as
I did this morning, rumpled, real. I’ve seen so many Addies...’

  ‘Yeah, the white tulle...’

  ‘And the workhorse Addie, and the frightened patient Addie, and the Daisy-toting, luggage-kicking Addie. And the Addie who lay in my arms. And, this morning, the rumpled, gorgeous Addie. And now the dripping, beautiful woman who won’t get out of the water and sit beside me because she’s afraid...’

  ‘I’m not afraid.’

  ‘Liar.’

  ‘Okay, I am.’ It was a yell, so unexpected that Daisy stopped dead in her quest to catch a seagull, and headed over the rocks at full pace to see what was wrong.

  Only when she reached them she looked from Addie—still two-thirds in the water—and Noah, and made her choice. She shoved her nose under Noah’s arm and made her allegiance clear.

  ‘Traitor.’ Addie hauled back on her fright—yes, okay, she was frightened—and summoned reserves to haul herself from the water. Noah put out a hand to help but she simply glared at it.

  Did he smile? The toe rag. He’d better not be laughing.

  ‘We have enough stones,’ she said with an attempt at dignity. ‘I believe it’s time to go home.’

  ‘Mrs Rowbotham’s made us lunch. It’s in the backpack.’

  ‘I don’t want any.’

  ‘Addie?’

  ‘Yes?’ She hauled herself up, standing, dripping water on the rock beside him. It felt better standing up. Safer.

  ‘You don’t think you might be being a bit melodramatic? We haven’t made a final choice of stones, and lunch needs to be eaten.’

  ‘Yeah, okay,’ she muttered. ‘Just don’t say the L word again.’

  ‘Love?’

  ‘Noah!’ Drat it, he really was laughing.

  ‘Okay.’ He held his hands up in surrender. ‘No L word. Or even what seems to be more scary. The N word. Need. For now all talk of future relationship is off the table. But we still need to be colleagues. Daisy needs us to be friends and, who knows, we might need to co-parent one day. So let’s start being civilised about it. Lunch and stone sorting and maybe a wee nap in the sun before we head home.’

  ‘Okay,’ she said grudgingly, and then, because she really had sounded grumpy and it was a gorgeous day and he was a friend, she tried harder. ‘Sorry. You gave me a fright but I’m over it. Lunch, stone sorting but a nap’s out of the question. New limits.’

  ‘Accepted,’ he said, and gathered the remaining stones and stood.

  He was large. He was still wet. He was...

  Don’t go there. New limits. Lunch, stones and no nap.

  Starting now.

  * * *

  Except she did nap and Noah was left staring out to sea wondering what he’d just said.

  The L word.

  What had he been thinking?

  He suspected Addie had gone to sleep thinking he’d spoken in order to gain access to a child who was finally his. It was a reasonable thought. She knew he loved Sophie and might lose her. She’d guess now that he’d love this baby, too.

  But what he felt for Addie was different. Far different.

  Maybe she couldn’t see it because almost every time he’d seen her she’d been at her most vulnerable. He couldn’t deny it, but when the chips were down, that was when you saw the real person. The slap at the wedding. Her courage and fear in the face of an ectopic pregnancy. Her defiance and bounce as she’d returned, with a puppy and bright red luggage...

  And a polka-dot bikini. She was wearing a crimson sarong now as she slept, but the polka-dot top peeped out. Her damp curls were splayed across her towel-cum-pillow. Her glasses were clutched in her hand. Her glasses were almost a line of defence, he thought. She could be awake and wary in seconds.

  Wary of him?

  Wary of talk of love? Of mutual need?

  Was she right? Was it dumb talk?

  Maybe it was, but it was the way she made him feel. She was vulnerable and needful but she was also feisty, skilled and strong. Fun.

  To walk away from her now seemed unthinkable.

  If this baby happened, she’d give him access. He knew it, but he wasn’t thinking of a baby. He was watching a woman sleep. His woman. Part of him? The sense of oneness was so deep, so primeval it almost left him gasping. After Rebecca...the thought of another relationship had seemed unthinkable, but somehow, some way, Addie had breached defences he’d hardly known he had.

  So... How to convince her to take a chance on more than friendship?

  It wasn’t something she could be ‘convinced’ of, he thought. It was simply the way things were—or weren’t. If she didn’t feel it, that was that. He was the last person to try and force such an issue.

  So back away, he told himself. You’re scaring her. Be a friend and take the pressure off. Like now. Go for another swim rather than sit and stare like a stalker.

  But he wanted to sit. To guard his woman?

  How corny was that?

  He rose and headed for the water again, though Daisy looked up as he left and whimpered a reproach.

  Your place is here with us, her whimper seemed to say, but he knew it wasn’t.

  But if not...he didn’t have a clue where his place was.

  Addie didn’t...wouldn’t...need him and the thought left him bleak.

  He dived under a wave and stayed under for a very long time.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  THE PREGNANCY WASN’T ECTOPIC. The pregnancy was safe in utero. Blood tests promised it. A scan at five weeks confirmed it.

  She told Noah at the end of long day’s surgery. She watched his face light up. She backed away as he went to hug her, and she went back to her cottage.

  And closed the door.

  Honestly? She was too frightened to do anything else. The thought of him falling in love... Of her falling in love...was terrifying. All the control she’d so carefully cultivated seemed to be as threatened as a house of cards in a wind storm.

  As the weeks wore on, they settled into an uneasy pattern. Friends? Colleagues? Outwardly they were just that. And maybe it was true, she thought as she worked on. Noah was certainly respecting her boundaries. They worked together. They met in the staffroom and talked about shared patients, about dog training, about ordinary stuff. He shared some of her dog walking. He was friendly, warm...normal?

  And yet there was part of her that knew that he was contained. Holding things back.

  * * *

  The phrase he’d used on the beach...falling in love...stayed with her. She woke in the night and it was there. She met him in the corridor and it was there. She saw him below the hospital, throwing a Frisbee for Daisy, and it was there.

  Love?

  It was crazy, she thought. How could anyone fall in love so fast? The way he felt must be all to do with the baby. His relationship with her... He thought she needed him and he was honourable. How could it be more than that?

  She should block out the emotion, but as the weeks went on another layer came into play.

  It was getting closer to his court hearing for custody of Sophie. She saw him occasionally out on the veranda, taking long calls, and his face was always set and grim.

  It was nothing to do with her, so why did her heart twist for him?

  Her thoughts were all over the place.

  She wanted to share his pain. If they were friends that’s what she’d do, she thought, but the emotions he caused had her backing away.

  Falling in love...

  Impossible.

  She moved from day to day, trying to block his unsettling presence. Trying to focus on her work and her pregnancy.

  Her baby.

  His baby.

  How would co-parenting work? As her baby’s father, he’d be in her life...for ever?

  But just as her baby’s father.

  She’d worry about that w
hen she had to, she told herself. Even though the pregnancy was where it was supposed to be, she was still barely allowing herself to hope.

  She’d manage as she’d always managed.

  She did not need Noah.

  * * *

  Fourteen weeks...

  Not that he was counting. Not much. But this was Addie’s pregnancy and he had to back off.

  Eventually he wanted to be a part of this child’s life. He knew enough of Addie not to fear being shut out, but shutting him out of his child’s life was different to shutting him out of hers.

  And that’s what she’d done. It was her right, but still he counted.

  Fourteen weeks...

  And two more weeks until the family court case for Sophie. That was doing his head in.

  If anything happened to Addie’s baby... If anything happened to Addie... If he lost the court case as his lawyers told him he probably would... If he lost the right to see Sophie...

  And then one morning he had a phone call.

  He took it, and couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He disconnected, then stared sightlessly out to sea while his world changed. And when it settled...

  For some reason there was only one thing he could think of to do.

  Sadly medicine had to come first, but he could deal with that.

  He had two more patients to see before he could go tell Addie.

  * * *

  At fourteen weeks she’d finally booked in for the scan most pregnant women had at twelve weeks. She’d been...sort of scared to do it? The twelve-week scan would show arms, legs, a little face. Or not. It seemed like she was tempting fate to take the scan and find out.

  At fourteen weeks she could put it off no longer but her scheduled appointment had to be set back. The radiologist who came to Currawong once a week was running late.

  Addie headed into the staffroom. She made herself tea, put her head on her hands for a moment and closed her eyes...

  ‘Dr Blair!’

  She woke and Morvena was standing over her, looking astonished. Her tea was cooling in front of her.