Beauty from Ashes: Authors & Dancers Against Cancer Anthology

by Vera Quinn

  “First time?” he asked.

  Damien wasn’t paying attention. He said, “I’m sorry. What did you say?”

  “I was asking, is this the first time you’ve had to wait on someone having surgery? My wife is having her second mastectomy. The doctor’s hoped they got it all two years ago when she had the first breast removed. But they didn’t. It’s hard sitting here waiting to hear the news. I understand,” he answered. “Is it your wife or mother?”

  “Oh. No. It’s my partner. His name is Robert,” Damien answered. He picked up the coffee and took a sip. Black with no sugar, but it was hot.

  “That’s awful. It’s exceedingly rare in men,” the man said. “I hope they can get it all. Sarah, that’s my wife. She suffered terribly after they removed the first breast. Complications and chemotherapy were rough on her.”

  “I hope it goes better for her this time,” Damien answered.

  “We already know it’s metastasized.” Tears formed in his eyes. He wiped at them before he continued, “She’ll do more chemo but with it spreading, it’s just a matter of time.”

  “How long have you been married?” Damien asked. His heart ached for this stranger.

  “Forty-two years come this October,” he said proudly. “We’ve had a good life. Our children are doing well, and the grandchildren are the best gift we could have ever received.”

  “Mr. Treebalm,” a man in a long white coat called out.

  “How is she?” Mr. Treebalm asked. He crossed the room and followed the doctor into a side room.

  Damien sat drowning in his own thoughts for another half an hour. Finally, the surgeon who was operating on Robert stepped into the waiting area.

  “Mr. Fitzgerald,” he said. “Come with me.”

  They went into the other private room in the waiting area and sat down.

  “How is he? When can I see him?” Damien asked hurriedly.

  “He’s doing fine. I believe we got it all. The mass was contained, and I don’t believe it has spread. I do recommend chemotherapy to be sure. And you can see him in about two hours,” the doctor said, smiling. “He’s strong and healthy. He’s going to need lots of rest. I had to put in a drain tube at the incision site, so I’ll keep him in the hospital for a few days. We can talk about what comes next when he wakes up.”

  “Thank you,” Damien said. “Thank you for taking care of him.”

  “He’s going to be fine, Mr. Fitzgerald.”

  The surgeon shook Damien’s hand and then left him standing in the small conference room alone. A nurse came in a few minutes later and told him he could wait or maybe go get a bite to eat and some fresh air. She suggested it might do some good. She was right.

  He finally got to see Robert in his room at dinner time. Not that what they had brought him looked much like dinner—chicken broth, Jell-O, saltines, and 7Up.

  “It’s just for now,” the nurse, Katy, said as Damien stared at her questioningly.

  “His stomach was upset after the surgery, so the doctor ordered a liquid diet until he feels up to something else,” she answered and left the room.

  “She’s nice, Damien,” Robert said. He talked in between sips of his soda and munching a cracker. “She’s been with me since I woke up.”

  “You look good,” Damien said. The hospital gown he was wearing wasn’t exactly runway style. Not that style had ever mattered to Robert, he was more a comfort clothes kind of guy. Damien could see the large bandage wrapped around Robert’s chest.

  “Are you in any pain?” he asked.

  “No. Not really. They’ve got me hooked up to this drip and I can push this button to get more pain meds, as long as I don’t do it too often.” He smiled at Damien. “Did you talk to the doctor?”

  “Yes,” Damien said as he pulled a chair close to the side of the bed. “He thinks he got it all. He’ll be by to talk to both of us about what comes next. I doubt we see him until tomorrow, though.”

  Katy popped her head in the door and said, “The doctor is doing his rounds now. He should be in to see you shortly. Do you need anything, Robert?”

  “No, I’m good. Thanks, Katy.”

  A blush flushed her cheeks as she smiled at Robert.

  When the door closed, Damien said, “She does know you are gay, right?”

  Robert chuckled, then grabbed his side. “Ow! Laughing is probably not a good idea for now. No, it hadn’t come up. But after that flash of jealousy on your face, she might figure it out.”

  It was the first time Damien had seen the old Robert shining through the situation. His Robert—the one full of laughter and light. The one Damien loved with all his heart. He stood and leaned over the bed and was just about to kiss Robert when the door to his room opened.

  “We need to discuss a few things,” Dr. Alton said. “And that’s one of them.” He laughed as Damien and Robert stared at him.

  “So, let’s go over it again,” Dr. Alton said. “Your drain is looking good. We want to watch your temp and the drain tube for at least forty-eight hours. You can go home as long as we see no complications, then no sex for two weeks. Mostly because you don’t want to put any pressure on the incision site. And, sex can be a very strenuous exercise for some men; you need to take it easy, Robert.”

  Damien grumbled under his breath. Robert laughed again and Dr. Alton just shook his head.

  “I’ll see you in my office in four weeks. If everything is going well, I’ll arrange for you to meet with an oncologist. I’m suggesting four to six rounds of chemo and they’ll take it from there. Any questions?” Dr. Alton asked when he finished.

  “Can I go back to work for a while before the chemo starts?” Robert asked.

  “If you are feeling like it, and as long as there is no heavy lifting involved, you could go back after the first two weeks of rest.” Dr. Alton turned to Damien. “I mean it and I’m depending on you to be sure he gets lots of rest. Chemo is going to be hard on his body, though he is in tremendous shape. We won’t really know how he responds until then. He needs to be well rested when it does start.”

  “Okay. I can handle that,” Damien said. He stared at Robert, who was staring at the ceiling and grinning hugely. The man was going to give him trouble and Damien knew it.

  “All right. See you both in four weeks,” Dr. Alton said.

  The first few days back at home went pretty well. Robert did as he was told for the most part. However, he hadn’t listened about the no sex rule and he was making it extremely hard on Damien. Ridiculously hard!

  “Stop it,” Damien said, pushing Robert’s hand away from his crotch.

  They were supposed to be watching a movie. It was a murder mystery and Robert knew Damien could get lost in those. Trying to figure it out before the main characters did was a big deal to him. But with Robert trying to palm his cock every five minutes, he couldn’t enjoy the movie or the sexual tension between them.

  “You’re no fun,” Robert pouted. It was fake, but Damien couldn’t help the chuckle he let slip out.

  “The doctor said two weeks,” Damien reminded him.

  “Well, it’s been almost two weeks and I feel fine. I swear I feel fine,” Robert said, trying for puppy dog eyes.

  “Oh, good Lord. Stop it,” Damien said.

  Getting down on his knees between Robert’s legs, he carefully pulled the waist band of his sweats down. He pinched Robert’s hip to get him to lift up, so he could expose Robert’s hard and leaking cock. The man was needy.

  Damien laved his tongue on Robert’s throbbing member. He sunk back into the couch and let Damien go to work on him. It didn’t take long until Robert was emptying himself and groaning happily. Damien helped him clean up and pull his pants back up.

  “Now can I finish watching the movie?” Damien asked.

  Robert laughed. “You didn’t stop it while you were busy doing other things and it looks like it’s over. Sorry.”

  Life almost felt normal again, but there was still the looming threat of the weeks t
o come and how Robert’s body would react to the chemotherapy treatment. Damien thanked God or whoever was listening for these moments of normalcy that they shared.

  Chapter Four

  Robert went back to work. He loved being at the hotel, but he tired more quickly and was having a hard time keeping his recovery from his friends and coworkers. He stayed at the hotel more often than not, so they talked on the phone more. Robert didn’t want him coming to the hotel. He was afraid Damien’s watching over him would trigger questions he didn’t want to answer.

  They met with the oncologist and decided on four rounds of chemo with two weeks between. His white cell count had to be above a certain level before they could do each subsequent round of drugs. With any luck at all, it would all be over before Christmas, and the new year would leave it in the past.

  Robert met with Justin Warfield and told him that Damien was taking an assignment overseas and that Robert wanted to go with him. There was no reason for Justin to not believe Robert, so they agreed Krystal could run the bar while Robert was away. He’d keep in contact and let Justin know when he would return.

  Damien hated all the lies. Robert argued that he didn’t want to worry any of them, it was enough just having Damien involved. The closer to the time of the first treatment, the more irritable Robert became. He was scared, and Damien was too.

  Robert had never been one to read, but Damien thought it was a good way to pass the time as the medicine dripped slowly through the IV and into Robert’s body. He loaded several different types of books on his iPad and took it with them when they went to the appointment.

  The round went pretty well. Boring but no pain to speak of, or at least Robert said there was no pain. The tech advised that nausea and vomiting could happen within a few hours or days. It could be light and not affect his appetite, or it could be severe. For Robert, it was severe.

  Two days after the first treatment, he started feeling nauseated and then couldn’t keep anything down for over a week. Robert became weaker each day, because of the lack of nourishment. Finally, the doctor ordered him a medicine to help with the nausea.

  Robert’s mood darkened as well. He would lie in his bed all day, refusing to move to the living room and watch movies with Damien. When Damien tried to start a conversation about sports or politics, subjects they always had different viewpoints on, he lay there or said he was tired and closed his eyes.

  Finally, his appetite returned, and he began to get up more. Now that summer had finally kicked in, he enjoyed sitting on the balcony of their condo relaxing in the sun. He was going to miss swimming and being at the beach this summer. Damien knew how his lover felt about the outdoors. Maybe they could take a drive to the Warfield and enjoy a picnic on the beach. However, after the next round of chemo, his nausea worsened.

  His additional treatments had been scheduled every two weeks for a month cycle. Once the cycle was complete, a waiting period of two weeks and then they tested to see what his blood cell response was. With the dehydration he was experiencing, it landed him back in the hospital for a week.

  Additional treatments were delayed until he was able to keep more than liquids down. This time when he came home, his mood was sullen. Depression had sunk in and there was little Damien could do. Several days after his hospital visit, Robert came into the living room looking lost.

  “Damien, I think I’d like to move,” Robert said. “I feel trapped here in Atlanta.”

  “All right. Where do you want to go? Your next treatment isn’t until the end of the month. Hey, why don’t we go to the Warfield and spend a few days on the beach?” Damien asked, his heart lifting.

  “NO!”

  Robert turned around and went back to the bedroom. Shortly after, Damien heard the dresser drawers being slammed shut and Robert throwing things around in their bedroom. He rushed in to find Robert packing a bag.

  “What the hell are you doing?” Damien asked, watching Robert.

  “I’m leaving.”

  “What? You can’t leave.”

  “I can, and I am,” Robert said as his chest heaved under the stress of moving so quickly—something he hadn’t done in weeks.

  “I’ll be fine. I took care of myself long before you came into my life.” Robert’s voice shook as he spoke. “I don’t need you to take care of me or pity me.”

  He jammed another pair of jeans into the duffle bag on the bed, zipped it closed, then rested on his arms to catch his breath.

  Damien was lost. How could he possibly let Robert leave? He didn’t know what to do.

  “Where are you going?” he asked.

  “I guess,” Robert said between deep breaths, “I guess a hotel.”

  “Did I do something to upset you?” Damien wondered what he had done wrong.

  “Oh, hell, Damien. This isn’t about you.” Robert turned to face Damien as he spoke. He slumped down on the bed before he continued, “This is about the fact that I have cancer and I don’t even feel like a man anymore. The sympathetic looks from strangers at the oncologists’ office are more than I can take. Watching you take care of my every need without question, without a hint of the man I fell in love with is killing me.”

  Damien felt shock resonate through his entire body. He leaned against the door frame and stared at Robert. Watching Robert come apart before his eyes, he could only stare as the man trembled. Anger filled his face but his eyes… were empty. He was losing the will to fight, and the cancer would win if he did. Approaching him, Damien got down on his knees and palmed Robert’s cheeks. He hadn’t shaved in several days and the hair was rough and course.

  “Sweetheart look at me,” Damien begged. “I have never loved you more than I do in this moment, but I’m frightened. I’m frightened you’re going to let this disease destroy you… us… our future. No, this isn’t the arrogant fool of a man that you first fell for. This is the man I’ve become because you loved me when I was totally unlovable. I can turn back to the old me later. I’ll be a bitch for you again. I swear.”

  Robert chuckled. A small curve flipped the sides of his mouth up. Tears overflowed and dripped onto Damien’s hands.

  “But now, I need to take care of you. It’s not I want to take care of you. I need to. Our lives together are only just beginning, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let this damned disease take it from us.” Damien stood and sat on the bed beside Robert.

  Wrapping his arms around his man, he felt the slenderness in Robert’s body. He couldn’t let him leave.

  “I think we should go see Dr. Lauren,” Damien started then added, “Together.”

  “You think I need to see your shrink?” Robert asked, but he didn’t move from Damien’s embrace.

  “I think it would help us to talk to someone outside the two of us. She helped us a lot when I finally let you come to the sessions. So, do you want me to give her a call?” Damien asked. Hope pulled at his heart. Robert was quiet, so quiet.

  “Okay. We can see Dr. Lauren but first I need you to call your hairdresser and make an appointment for me,” Robert said finally, pushing away enough to look into Damien’s eyes.

  “What?”

  “I want to get my hair cut short. It’s starting to come out. My brush was full this morning.” A seldom seen blush pinked up Robert’s cheeks as he spoke.

  “Is that what all this was about?” Damien said amazed. “You’re worried about losing your hair?” Now Damien was chuckling and trying hard not to.

  “Just do this for me,” he asked then kissed Damien softly.

  Damien’s breath caught in his throat at his lover’s warm lips. Slightly chapped but still the sweetest thing he’d ever tasted. They clung to each other until Robert needed to lie down. He fell asleep quickly. Damien unpacked his clothes and straightened the bedroom from the chaos Robert’s breakdown had caused earlier. When it was all picked up, he went into the living room and made two phone calls.

  Chapter Five

  A week later, Robert was eating again and keepin
g it down. His white blood cell count was good, so he was a go for another round of chemo the next week. He’d been to see Maurice, Damien’s hair stylist, and came away with a short close-cut style. If he lost his hair now, it wouldn’t be as noticeable, and it was easier to take care of. They had an appointment with Dr. Lauren today.

  They entered the office together, but Dr. Lauren asked Damien to stay in the waiting room for a little while. After thirty minutes, the door finally opened, and Dr. Lauren motioned for Damien to join them. He walked in to find Robert’s eyes glassy from tears and a beautiful smile on his face. He reached for Damien’s hand as he approached.

  “I’ve been an ass,” he said.

  “That isn’t what I said, Robert.” Dr. Lauren laughed.

  “I know and I know it’s going to take more than one session for me to get my head back in the game but today opened my eyes,” Robert said as he squeezed Damien’s hand.

  “I’m not sure what happened here, but it’s good to see him smile,” Damien said and then glanced at Dr. Lauren. She was reclining back in her huge leather chair, her arms crossed over her chest and she was not smiling at him.

  “Damien,” she started. “We need to talk about the way you’ve been handling this. I am quite aware of the fact that you love and care for Robert, but if you were doing to me what you’ve been doing to him… I’d have left you long before this.”

  Startled, Damien shifted his gaze between his therapist and his lover. What had he done?

  “Now wait a minute—” he started but Dr. Lauren cut him off.

  “First off, Robert is not an invalid. True, he may need your help doing some things but don’t jump to his rescue every time he grunts. Men grunt! Get over it.”

  Robert laughed out loud. He was enjoying every bit of this. Before he could turn his attention to the man holding his hand, Dr. Lauren spoke again.

  “Second, give the man some privacy. Wait for him to tell you he’s hungry or not.” She was still glaring at Damien.

  “And lastly, he needs to get out more. Don’t coddle him. Outside is good. Get him out to see friends or better yet have friends come see him,” Dr. Lauren finished up.