Beauty from Ashes: Authors & Dancers Against Cancer Anthology

by Vera Quinn

  “How can I contact his friends when he’s forbidden me to do that?” Damien asked, staring at Robert. “You didn’t tell her that I’m the only one who knows?”

  Robert flushed a bright pink and dropped Damien’s hand.

  “No, I hadn’t told her that. I didn’t know she was going to say that.” Robert glanced up at Dr. Lauren. “I’m not ready for other people to look at me differently.”

  Dr. Lauren scribbled on her notepad, then she looked up at both of them.

  “I want to see you next week, the day after chemo. You’re usually okay the day after, right?” she asked.

  Robert nodded his head. Damien took the time to add the appointment to the calendar in his phone.

  “And,” she said sternly, “I want you to call two of your friends this week. Check on them. If you must lie, we’ll talk about it. I’d prefer you told them what was truly going on, but we’ll talk abut it at the next appointment.”

  Robert was silent as they walked through the building to the parking garage. It was a beautiful late summer afternoon—not too hot and a slight breeze blowing. The humidity had finally taken a day off too. Fall would be coming soon, turning the world around Atlanta into fields of gold and orange.

  “Want to go for a drive?” Damien asked.

  “I’d like that,” Robert said.

  They drove outside the city limits into one of the smaller neighborhoods. Damien spotted a corner ice cream shop and they stopped.

  He got Robert a scoop of chocolate marshmallow. Damien watched his figure and fat intake, so he almost didn’t get anything, then he decided what the hell. It had been years since he’d had a butter pecan ice cream cone. It was amazing!

  “Would you please stop making that noise,” Robert said once they were on the road again. “You’re driving me crazy.”

  “What noise?” Damien had no idea what he was talking about.

  “All that oohing and aahing and oh God, this is so good.” Robert laughed. “I’ve got a hard-on just listening to you.”

  Damien lapped up the ice cream that had dripped onto his fingers. He made a show of sliding his tongue around each digit, along with a popping sound as he pulled it out of his mouth.

  “You are an evil man,” Robert said, his smile vanishing. “And, I love it!”

  The next week flew by. Robert called Krystal and Peter. Why he skipped calling Justin was a secret he kept to himself. Damien was glad he was doing what the doctor had advised. Chemo however had been much the same. A few days of joint pain and discomfort, then the nausea set in. The good news was it didn’t last as long this time. Robert was able to get back on solid foods much sooner than he had before. His appetite and strength lagged behind this time. Robert said he just had no appetite. Nothing tasted right. Damien worried but didn’t bring it up. He was following Dr. Lauren’s advice as well. No overwhelming Robert with his eagerness to please, but nearby when he needed him.

  He’d passed the third round. Damien was looking forward to getting the next round over so the PET could be scheduled. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. Robert’s white blood cell count had dropped significantly. He needed to be put on iron supplements to help build his blood back up. That was why he was so weak. The supplements brought their own digestive problems, but eventually he was back to normal.

  The first of October came and went. Halloween would come next weekend. They didn’t see trick or treaters on the top floor of the building they lived in. But finally, there was some good news. His blood count was up, so it was time for round four.

  The procedure had become routine for the two of them—sit in the chair for thirty minutes at the oncologist’s office, go home and wait for the side effects. When the nausea passed, try to get food into Robert so that he’d gain his strength back. Finally, the week before Thanksgiving they got the news they had not been wanting. His PET score was not as good as the doctors had hoped. He would need two more rounds of chemo which meant they couldn’t do another PET until after the new year.

  Robert wanted to see Dr. Wharton and the surgeon, so Damien arranged for them to see both of them at the same time.

  “I don’t want to feel like this at Christmas,” Robert said as they sat at a table in chairs across from the two doctors. “I want to do the next round of chemo as soon as possible and the final one as soon as possible in December. Then I’m done until after the new year.”

  The doctors looked at each other and then to Damien.

  “The nausea could be worse, and his lack of appetite will cause more weakness,” Dr. Wharton said.

  The surgeon said he would order a different anti-nausea med to be added to his drip this time. They’d had luck with other patients, and he hoped it would help Robert.

  “You have to eat, Robert. Whether you feel hungry or nothing tastes good, eat,” Dr. Wharton said. “It’s the only thing that is going to keep you out of the hospital.”

  “Damien, he needs protein to rebuild his strength,” the surgeon suggested.

  Damien nodded his understanding. There was one thing he needed to ask, but the problem was he hadn’t told Robert about the invitation burning a hole in his jacket pocket.

  “If he eats and regains his strength, is it possible we could go away for the Christmas holiday?” Damien asked without looking at Robert.

  “I think that’s a great idea as long as it’s not too far away and the weather is fairly warm. No snow skiing.” Dr. Wharton chuckled.

  Damien didn’t dare speak or look in Robert’s direction as they made their way to his car. That didn’t keep Robert from fuming at his side. He could hear the man puffing out short breaths of air and grunting as they walked.

  “You’re grunting. Everything okay,” Damien asked as he unlocked the car door for Robert.

  “You are not telling me something and I don’t think I’m going to like whatever it is you are hiding.” Robert sulked.

  Once Damien slid into the driver’s seat, he took the invitation out of his pocket and handed it to Robert. It had the Warfield Hotel logo on the envelope.

  “What the hell is this?” he said as he opened it.

  “Peter wants to have an old-fashioned Christmas to celebrate that the world is a better place now, and he wants his family there. He counts us as part of his family, Robert. It would be so good to see everyone. It’s been months. The worst will be over by then and I’m sure you’ll feel up to having a visit,” Damien urged. “Please, let’s just wait a few more weeks before you flat out say no.”

  Robert reread the invitation and held it tightly in his hands. Damien started the car and pulled out into midday traffic. They were almost home when Robert finally spoke to him.

  “I want to go, but I don’t want them to see me sick. If I can stand and walk on my own, with no help from anyone,” he stared at Damien starkly, “we’ll go.”

  After Damien parked the car, they entered the lobby of the condo, and Robert said quietly, “Can we go to the beach one morning very early and watch the sun rise?”

  “I’d love to do that, more than you know,” Damien whispered back.

  Chapter Six

  Getting Robert to admit that he wanted to go to Peter’s for Christmas was half the battle. The other half was keeping him well enough for the six-hour drive to Beaufort. To Damien’s amazement, Robert cooperated fully. He ate when Damien said and rested when he was told to. He didn’t even complain when it was time to go for another treatment.

  Damien knew how badly he wanted to go to see Peter and the rest of their friends. He understood Robert’s need to appear as if this hadn’t been an ordeal for him… them. But the truth was, they would never be the same. Robert would have this diagnosis hanging over his head for years—regular testing, possibly a flair up somewhere else inside him, and the simple fact that his body didn’t feel the same as it had before. Those were all facts that he was going to have to face in the future. Of course, Damien would be right there beside him all the way, there was no question of that.
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br />   The last round of chemo in November went better than the ones before. He was still weak and nauseated, but the bouts were becoming shorter. The first of December rolled around, and he was ready for that last trip to the oncologist. The first few days gave them hope that his body would deal with this round better than the rest. They were wrong. Damien decided if he was going to contact Justin and Peter, he should do it soon.

  Damien looked over at his sleeping lover. For the moment, he was pleased no traces of pain were visible on his face. He listened as the phone rang and waited for Justin to pick up. Stalling was no longer an option. Letting their friends know the truth was not going to be easy. Robert wouldn’t be happy with him, but it was time to tell them the truth.

  “Hello.”

  “Hi. I hope I didn’t catch you at a bad time. If you’re busy, I can call back later.” Damien had no idea how to say what he had to say.

  “No, it’s not a bad time. What’s up, Damien? You don’t sound too good.”

  “Let me move into the other room. Hold on.” Damien took one more look at Robert and then closed the door quietly behind him.

  “Just let me get the whole story out before you start asking questions. That’s all I ask.”

  He paced the living room as he began to tell Justin the secret, they had been keeping from their friends for the last two months.

  “All right.” Justin’s quiet response spurred Damien on.

  “When Robert asked for the time off to go with me on an assignment, he lied to you, to everyone. Robert had to have surgery. I discovered a lump in his right breast, and when we had it checked out, it was cancer. The tumor was removed, but he’s been on chemotherapy for the last couple of months. He has one more round before Christmas, and they’ll take another PET scan after the first of the year. He didn’t want any of you to know what was going on.” Damien was surprised that he could get it out without losing his cool.

  “Are you okay?” Justin asked.

  “Am I okay?” Damien flustered. No one had asked how he was handling everything. “I’m not the one who had a tumor removed from my body or spent weeks so sick from the chemicals being pumped into me that I have no strength to eat or even sit up.” Damien’s anger was rising.

  “Damien, stop pacing and sit down,” Justin said calmly.

  How did Justin know what he was doing? Damien obeyed.

  “Do the doctors think they got all the cancer?”

  “Yes.”

  “Is the chemo just a precautionary thing?”

  “Yes.”

  “Was the diagnosis a full recovery?”

  Damien sighed, then answered, “Yes.”

  He couldn’t stop the tremble in his voice when he spoke next.

  “I could have lost him, Justin. If we hadn’t found it when we did, he could have died. I love him so much. The thought of life without him is unbearable.” Damien felt the tears slip slowly down his cheeks.

  “You’ve changed.”

  “His love has changed me. Two years ago, I wasn’t the man I am now. He stayed beside me during the therapy sessions after Carter’s abuse and Tony stalking me. I was a total bitch and hell to live with. He was always there to pick up the pieces when I fell apart. I owe him my life.” Damien choked back more tears and wiped them away.

  “He’s lucky to have you,” Justin said.

  “I’m the lucky one.”

  “What can I do? Of course, he can have all the time off he needs, and I’ll speak to Peter and explain that we have to keep this to ourselves. Though I think you should call Krystal and let her know what’s going on. She’s going to be pissed if you keep this from her.”

  “Are you going to be at Peter’s for Christmas? Is Marcus? I think being with everyone will be the best medicine for him. He may be tired and weak part of the time, but at least when he does feel up to socializing, everyone will be there.”

  Damien noticed Justin’s hesitation.

  “I’ll be there, but I can’t speak for Marcus. I haven’t heard from him for about two months now... It’s nothing for you to worry about. Right now, Robert is the only thing that matters. When are you coming and where do you want to stay? Of course, you can have a suite at the hotel, but I’m sure Peter and Sally would love to have you both at the Manor, if that would be better for Robert.”

  Damien heard Robert stirring in the next room.

  “Damien?”

  “I’ve got to go. He’s waking up and calling for me. I’ll let you know which will be better for us in a day or two. Thank you for listening, Justin, and for caring about him too.”

  “I care about both of you. Just let me know what you need. Give him a hug from me.” Justin said goodbye, and the phone went dead.

  “Damien, where are you?”

  “Here, love. I’ll be right there.”

  Chapter Seven

  There were days when Robert seemed to be his old self. And then there were days like today. The pain was intense. He couldn’t eat, and what he did eat came back up. His sleep was fitful, and Damien had never felt so useless in his life. In all the years of watching how cruel the people of this world could be to each other, nothing had prepared him for seeing someone he loved like this.

  “It’s time for the nausea meds. You can eat a bite in an hour or so.” Damien tried to sound encouraging, but the look on Robert’s face told him food was the last thing on his mind.

  “You have one more session, sweetheart. That’s all you’ve got, and this will be over.”

  “It will never be over,” Robert said as he tried to stand. He was weak today, so he wobbled. Tears he couldn’t hold back filled his eyes.

  “That’s not true, and you know it. The doctor said—” He stopped as Robert tipped backward. Steadying him, they headed to the bathroom.

  With nausea meds in him and a little more sleep, the next time Robert woke his mood had improved. Even his color looked better. He gave Damien one of those smiles that made his heart flutter. It didn’t matter that he’d cut his hair noticeably short in anticipation of losing it. It didn’t matter that he’d shed some weight and his clothes were getting baggy in places. It didn’t matter that the chemo sessions left him weak and moody. Damien still loved this man more than the air he breathed.

  “I’ve got some good news,” Damien said as he watched Robert sip slowly from a cup of broth.

  “Yeah.” Robert set down the cup and lay his head back on the pillows propped up behind him.

  “I talked to Justin a couple of days ago and told him the truth.”

  Robert’s eyes flashed open, and he stared at Damien angrily. “I thought I said I didn’t want anyone to know.”

  “You did, but he is your boss and you were supposed to return to work next week. We both know that isn’t likely to happen.”

  “And?”

  “And he said to take all the time you need. He’s going to tell Peter, but they won’t mention it to anyone else. You know you can trust them.”

  Robert lay back again and closed his eyes. Quietly he spoke, “I don’t need their pity. I’m sorry this has caused you to put your life on hold though. Taking care of me wasn’t part of what we had in mind.”

  Damien chuckled, causing Robert to turn his head and open his eyes, his eyebrows raised in question.

  “No, it isn’t what we had planned. I believe that had more to do with how many different positions and places we could have sex in. But we also didn’t plan on me being in therapy for a year, trying to get my head on straight. Or you having to take care of me when things got too hard for me to handle.” Damien leaned across Robert and kissed him gently on the lips. “So now it’s my turn to take care of you. I’m all right with that.”

  Tears formed at the corners of Robert’s eyes. Damien brushed them away with his thumbs and kissed him again.

  “No more tears. We’ve both shed enough tears for a lifetime. You will beat this. We will beat it together. In three weeks, you’ll be okay to celebrate Christmas, and that’s what w
e are going to do. Peter has invited us to the Manor for the holidays, and I think that’s exactly what we need—what you need—to be with our friends.”

  “Christmas at Peter’s?” Robert’s face took on a glow. “Is everyone coming?”

  “As far as I know,” Damien said as he reached for the cup of soup and handed it to Robert again. “Just think of all that wonderful food that will be spread out for us.”

  Robert sipped at the soup once again and then said, “I’d sure like to be able to eat turkey with mashed potatoes, gravy, and stuffing for Christmas.”

  “You will, baby. You will.”

  The soup stayed down, and Robert was sleeping soundly for a change. Damien knew that tomorrow his appetite would return, and he’d be ravenous. It was like that with the treatments. Just when Robert was beginning to feel better and get a little strength back, it would be time for the next chemo cocktail. Then there would be two to three weeks of nausea, vomiting, weakness, and mood swings. The cycle continued. Thank goodness they were over now. Damien was looking forward to life getting back to normal until the PET scan in the new year. Whatever those results were, it didn’t matter. Nothing was going to change Damien’s love for Robert, or the fact that Robert needed him. They were better together. Damien stretched out on top of the covers next to Robert and listened to his even breathing. It sounded so peaceful. His last thought before sleep finally came was that they still had tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that...

  Chapter Eight

  The weeks crept by, but finally it was time to leave for the Warfield. Robert’s strength was returning, but he still tired easily. They’d decided it would be better to stay with Peter and Sally than the hotel. Talking to Peter, they decided to arrive the evening before Christmas Eve. Robert could get a good night’s sleep before the rest of the guests started arriving.