Just for Now

by Victoria Benson

  The summer was dreadful once Ethan went back to New York. I got a part-time job and really didn’t do much of anything. Since my parents were helping to pay for two college tuitions, there was no vacation money that summer.

  The next school year with Ethan flew by. He came to visit me in Charleston and I even went to visit him several times in New York. I could write a book on just the New York trips alone. Our relationship was strong. We were happy. The weekends and holidays that we got to spend together at home during Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Spring Breaks were perfect.

  We wore our wedding rings when we were together, and we pretended that his fourth and final year at West Point wasn’t going to end. He was to be commissioned right after graduation. We had no idea what was going to happen after that. We just knew he was bound to a five-year commitment in the army.

  Upon graduation, Ethan would finally be free to legally get married, but I still was only a sophomore and had two years of college left. I figured we’d work it out and be able to keep our routine of spending the occasional weekend together. I couldn’t even think about this being our life together for the next five years though. I didn’t know what we would have to deal with in the future, but I was willing and ready to face it, because I had him and I knew I had his heart forever.

  I’m not intentionally trying to skip an entire year with him. I am just trying to stick to the big moments in our relationship for you. Our first few months together were so wonderful and we had so many important moments together, I felt sharing those would give you a perfect sense of how much we meant to each other.

  The first weekend in April of my sophomore year Ethan came to visit me in Charleston. It was a surprise visit like his visit had been exactly a year earlier when he asked me to marry him… the first time. He took a cab to my dorm, and we drove my car downtown. We checked into our favorite hotel, went to our room and put our things down. Ethan was very quiet and he wouldn’t sit down. I was preparing myself for him to tell me about his post graduation plans.

  Ethan stood in front of me almost at attention. His posture was straight. His hands were in fists by his side. It was the first time since I had met him that I was starting to get scared. Ethan looked like he was trapped between completing an assignment and wanting to back out of whatever he was about to do.

  He stood straight. Then he slouched a bit and looked at me. He stood up again and looked over my head at the wall.

  “I have never lied to you. I have meant every single promise I’ve ever made to you and I will keep my promises. My feelings will never change for you. I need you to trust me.” He paused, then continued, “I have six weeks left of school, then I go to work. I will be adjusting to a new life with new responsibilities. In order to do my job effectively and safely, I need to focus all of my attention on my duties. This year for us is now over. I will be returning to New York, and I will not be revisiting you here or at home. I do hope you will try to understand why I have to do this, just for now.”

  Staring at him like it was a joke I said, “What? What did you say Ethan?”

  “I told you a year ago that we would only have one year together and this year is now over. I will be going to work in a few weeks. I must prepare for my final weeks of school, and I need to concentrate on my duties.”

  I looked down at the floor and then back at him, “Are you serious Ethan? Surely you’re not serious. Have you met someone else or did you go back to Hannah again? Ethan, did you go back to Hannah?! There’s no way you would just leave me otherwise.”

  “I have made promises to you, and I will keep those promises. I assure you I am not seeing anyone else.”

  As I sat quietly for a few moments, suddenly I was aware that he was telling me with his speech that I was his distraction from his life. It occurred to me, again, while he was trying to explain his reasoning that he was married to something else.

  Ethan was strong. He didn’t cry. He was one hundred percent a soldier when he broke up with me. I didn’t even feel like I knew him. I was in such shock. I was reading his body language as he stood in front of me and I recalled his words and tone of voice. He was unemotional, cold, detached, not mine.

  “This can’t be happening. This cannot be happening. Ethan, look at me! Look at me! Do not leave me!” I tried commanding him without tears. I tried speaking in a voice to which he could relate.

  I sat stoic staring at him. I was waiting for him to change his mind, apologize, say something. Dumbfounded and shocked, I just stared.

  When he couldn’t take my glare any longer, or perhaps he could no longer talk himself out of staying strong, he turned and placed his room key on the dresser. Still, without making eye contact he said, “I have booked this room for you for the entire weekend anticipating you may need to be alone after receiving this information.”

  As he walked toward the door, I ran in front of him to block him from leaving. “You’re not leaving Ethan. You’re not leaving me like this. I don’t care about your job! The point of a marriage is to face everything together.”

  “Evi, move, I’ve made my decision.”

  “You don’t get to make this decision for both of us Ethan! We are more than just two people who have dated for a little while. We are married. You promised me this marriage is real. This is not a relationship you get to just walk away from without considering my feelings too.”

  “I have considered your feelings. If I thought this was going to be too hard for you, I wouldn’t be here. You will be fine Evi. I will keep my promises.”

  “Well you’re breaking your promises by leaving me!”

  “Evi, please move. You are making this more difficult than it has to be on both of us. You and I both need to face that I have to go to work. I have a job to do. Every minute with you makes my commitments harder for me.”

  I knew if I could get him to sit and talk to me, he would change his mind. When he reached for me, to move me from in front of the door, I slid to the floor, sat and put my head on my knees.

  “No Ethan, you don’t get to decide this for us.”

  He stood staring at the door. I leaned my head back and began to cry. “Ethan, I waited almost four years for you. Please don’t let this be it. I gave you everything and you've taken everything from me. Please don’t make me regret how much I’ve loved you for the past four and half years. I’m not strong enough for this.”

  “Evi, this isn’t it. This is just for now. I will keep my promises. And you are strong enough. I’ll love you forever. You will always be the only one I love. Please believe me. Trust me, but I cannot be with you and do my job.”

  “So I am nothing more than a distraction to you Ethan? Nothing more? You’ve just been stringing me along again!? You promised me you would never hurt me again! When we sat on your beach before I moved here, you held me while I cried and cried and cried for you. You promised me you wouldn’t hurt me like that again Ethan!”

  He looked away. I could tell he was trying to find a way to soften my words and ease my hurt and disgust. He had no words to offer.

  I broke his silence, “Fine Ethan, I’ll move, but if you decide to leave me, if you walk away, you will be ending us forever. I will find someone who won’t leave me for an ex-girlfriend or for a job!”

  I crawled to the side, rested my head on my knees again and cried uncontrollably. I knew he was going to go, and I couldn’t watch him leave.

  Before he left, I sat and prayed he would stay. I prayed he would come to his senses. I prayed he would fix this, he would love me. I prayed he would just touch me. But he didn’t. He opened the door and walked out.

  The slow motion of the door closing halted. I felt hope. Ethan pushed it open with one hand. “Evi,” he said calmly. I looked up at him and for the first time he was looking right into my eyes. With sincerity he said, “I love you. I will keep my promises. You have to trust me. Wait for me Evi.” He paused, “And Evi, I’m not worried about you. I would never have the strength to do this if I didn’t trus
t you.” Then he completely broke me. He handed me his ring and said, “Keep this please.”

  The door closed; I screamed and kicked it.

  I was so hurt and so angry. I sat and I cried a lot, nonstop. I was that girl, or should I say one of those girls who let a guy get too close and who really paid the price. This happened. I broke my promises to myself, and he left me.

  In the midst of my excruciating heart break, I had one moment where I had to decide that I was not going to ever regret my decisions. They were a part of me and even though he left me, our decisions meant Ethan would always be a part of me too. However, for that time, I had done something I promised myself I would never do, and I had to pay the price, in tears.

  Curled up on the bed, I cried until I couldn’t breathe. After a few minutes, I reached for my phone and texted Piper to come stay with me. I didn’t want to be alone.

  “I’m in room 212 at the King Charles Inn. Please come quick. Ethan broke up with me.”

  “Be there as fast as I can,” she replied.

  I hung up the phone, and as I placed it on the bedside table, I realized I was holding Ethan’s ring. I took my ring off and squeezed my hand closed. I walked across the room to get the bag I always kept them in from my purse. I dropped the rings into the bag, pulled the satin ribbons to close it, and zipped them in the pocket of my purse. Hunched over, I went back to the bed and continued crying.

  Within about ten minutes there was a knock on the door. I was still crying inconsolably when I opened it.

  Clark! I didn’t ask any questions. I knew exactly how he ended up at my door. I looked at him and barely pushed the words out through short gasps for air, “I … can’t… breathe. He left me. He left me.”

  Clark grabbed me around the waist and closed the door behind us. Then, he picked me up and carried me to the bed. He put his arm under my neck and he wiped my cheeks with his other hand. I pressed my face into his neck and shoulder and I cried. I screamed. I cried more.

  Several unchanging minutes passed with him holding me and stroking my hair. Finally he said, “Evi, breathe. Calm down. Breathe.” I was still not talking, but I was slowly calming down. I was so glad he was there with me. My best friend had showed up. He had never hurt me. He was there for me.

  “I’m here. I will fix this Evi. You are going to get better. You will heal.”

  “I can’t Clark, I can’t. You don’t understand. He left me. Forever. He’s not coming back for me. He doesn’t want me.” Then I cried out loud again just saying those words.

  “Evi stop,” he gently insisted.

  “You don’t understand. He left me!” I kept repeating it.

  Suddenly, Clark understood.

  “Evi! Did you sleep with him?!” he yelled at me. “Did you?” He grabbed my face and turned me so I had to face him. He moved my hair to the sides so he could see my eyes, but I wouldn’t look at him. “Did you?!” he pressed once more.

  I nodded.

  Clark got up and pounded on the wall with both fists. I crawled off of the bed and stepped towards him, but he turned away. He paced with his hands on his hips in anger and disbelief. He yelled, “How could you do that?”

  I stumbled and leaned my back against the wall. He moved to me when he saw me slump over. With each hand on one of my shoulders, Clark gently braced me against the wall behind the door to keep me from falling to the floor. Carefully, he eased his body fully to mine and pressed me against the wall.

  Once he had me secured he asked, “Evi! How could you do that? You know you can’t handle that. I know you can’t handle that. Look at you. Look what he’s done to you!”

  “He said he loved me Clark. He said he loves me.” More tears fell.

  “If he loved you, he wouldn’t have done this to you. He has known for four years that he has other commitments. If he was not going to include you in his plans, he should have never done this to you.”

  “He loves me,” I repeated as I continued trying to convince myself that Ethan did truly care.

  Clark said again, “I will fix this Evi. You are going to get better. You will heal.” Then he added, “We will heal. I’ll make sure of it.”

  I suddenly realized that I had hurt Clark deeply twice. The first time was when I broke up with him, and the second time was when he had to face what I had done. I was weakening and getting tired. My tears were drying up. I was exhausted.

  Clark put his hands back in my hair so he could turn my face toward him again. Without any provocation or notice, he kissed me, passionately. He took our first kiss. I didn’t move. I couldn’t think. He stopped to let me breathe. He looked into my eyes to see my reaction, then he kissed me a second time. Once again, he stopped to let me breathe. Looking at me, he was asking with his gaze if he was okay. I stared at him briefly, and we kissed once more, but this time slowly, with my hands placed softly on his shoulders. I didn’t fight him, or push him, or get angry with him. I invited him lightly pulling him toward me. I was beat. I had been crushed, destroyed. I needed his comfort and I needed to sleep.

  Clark looked at me and put his head on my chest just under my chin so he could take a breath. Then, he reached for the top button of my shirt. I grabbed his hands forcefully, jerked them away from me and said, “NO!”

  Not releasing his hold on the button, his eyes raised from my shirt to mine and he whispered, “You have to trust me Evi. You know you can trust me.”

  I released my grip on his wrists and he unbuttoned a few more buttons. He put his hand in the middle of my chest to feel my heart beat, just as I had placed his hand there many times before. With his hand pressed on me, he looked into my eyes and didn’t speak. His eyes had so much to say. I knew his thoughts like I know him. He forgave me.

  Very close to my lips he whispered, “Your heart is going to beat for me again Evi. I promise. It’s already starting to now. I will help you heal from this. I mean it, we are going to heal together.”

  With his hand still on my heart, he kissed me several times on my neck, my chest, and my lips again. My flesh absorbed his touch like it was being quenched. I took a deep breath, wrapped my arms around him and exhaled. Then, as if by instinct, my ankle wrapped around his calf. He looked down at our legs and back into my eyes. I knew he was waiting to see what I was going to do next. I held onto him, nothing more.

  After a few minutes of us figuring each other out, I said to him, “I just want to shower now Clark. Will you get me some ice so I can soak my face?”

  “Yes.”

  “Clark,”

  “Yes?”

  “Will you stay with me tonight?”

  “Yes.”

  “And tomorrow night?”

  “Of course babe. I don’t ever plan on leaving you.”

  How did he feel like home to me? He was my best friend.

  I took a very long shower. I knew there would be more tears, lots more tears, but I was feeling a little better and a little hungry.

  When I got out of the shower, I wiped the steam from the mirror and stared. A bucket of ice was on the counter. The curtain was closed behind me, so I knew Clark couldn’t see me standing there in just a towel.

  “Clark, will you get my blue and white fleur de lis bath robe from my suitcase please?”

  “Your what?”

  I giggled, “Just get my blue and white robe please!”

  He handed it to me without opening the curtain and I put it on. I stood again in front of the mirror. I brushed my teeth and shook my hair out. I added water to the ice bucket and soaked a washcloth in the cold water.

  “Clark, you never leave me alone for this long. And, you are never this far from me. What are you doing?”

  “I’m just thinking Evi. Just thinking and letting you get yourself together. A lot has happened. I need to process it all too.”

  His voice was so sad. I felt like he was disappointed in me. He sounded like he had been hurt too and was trying to figure out how to save us both. I think he was in disbelief and felt like his ow
n dream had died with mine.

  I opened the curtain and sat on the floor. I leaned against the wall, lain my head back and put the cloth over my eyes.

  “Clark will you come sit by me? I’m too tired to move.”

  Without saying a word, he slid his back down the wall and sat. Clark scooted next to me so our hips were touching. He put his arm between my legs and his hand rested on my knee so I knew he was there. I wasn’t his, but he had taken a very small part of me that up to that point belonged only to Ethan.

  I took the washcloth off my face and looked at him. His gaze was focused on the ceiling. I leaned and softly kissed him on his lips to say thank you and I’m sorry. He squeezed my knee and placed his other hand on my cheek. Then, he pulled me and kissed me back, a deep, slow, meaningful, forever kiss.

  Clark softly said with conviction, “Please don’t misunderstand my intentions Evi, I’m not here to help you get over another guy. I’m here to take you back. I’ve always known you belong with me.”

  I love Ethan, but is it possible that I still love Clark too? I thought to myself.

  Confident and loving, Clark looked determined. A half smile, accompanied by one raised eyebrow, appeared for only a second before he leaned his head back and looked up at the ceiling again.

  I stared at him. He was so unlike Ethan. His style so different. Ethan was powerful, strong, intelligent, level headed, rugged. Clark was smooth, clever, affectionate, forth-coming, accepting. Two perfect men had entered and parted from my life. One of them had returned.

  I placed the cloth over my eyes again and processed Clark’s words and his presence.

  “Clark?”

  “Hm?”

  “I’m hungry.”

  He laughed quietly and said, “Well there’s food to be had Evi. You will get fed. I’ll make sure of it. I’m here.”

  Not wanting to waste anymore time, I pulled myself up and reached for his hands and pulled him up. Without asking him to leave the room, I discreetly got dressed and we shuffled off to eat with his hand placed securely on my lower back.

  Clark did stay with me those two nights. We slept in the same bed but apart. I won’t embellish the truth. I spent the weekend with Clark crying. When my tears fell, he would stroke my hair to comfort me and help me stop crying. He didn’t push me in any way to heal faster. He accepted me and let me get the feelings of despair and betrayal out of my system.