Just for Now

by Victoria Benson

  Sunday morning came and it was time for us to get back to our lives. Clark drove me home. I was too embarrassed to go back to my dorm and cry there, so I sucked it up when other people were around. Piper and my girlfriends all knew that I was basically experiencing a death. They took care of me on some days and gave me my space on others.

  Clark gave me every spare moment he had for the following month. He healed me. He was able to make me feel happy again over time. There were more tears, but never as severe as at first. I wasn’t over Ethan. I thought about him, but I knew every thought was pointless. I had to go back to suppressing all emotions as far as he was concerned. I put Ethan back into his hiding place deep in my heart, right where he had been since I was fifteen. As long as I didn’t talk about him, I could pretend I was getting over him or pretend I was over him.

  Ethan went back to school, and he graduated without inviting me or calling me. He got commissioned and went to work. The way I understood it, as a cadet you hope to receive a deployment, something about getting promoted if you have actual ground combat experience. I didn’t really understand it very well. Being the brilliant and mighty Ethan Parker that he was born to be, Ethan ended up being assigned a deployment to the middle-east. The news terrified me and I was often in a state of disbelief that he never called me or even tried to contact me, but I guess it made getting over him a little easier. I just kept telling myself that he really didn’t love me That in turn made it easier to be closer to Clark.

  Chapter 20

  Classes ended the first week of May, but I decided to stay in South Carolina with Ginger for a few weeks. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go home to Ponderosa for the summer, or if I wanted to find a job and stay in Charleston. After a few weeks of searching for a job and looking for a place to live, the decision was made for me. I went home.

  Clark and I were seeing each other, but we weren’t in a serious relationship. He returned to Atlanta and I missed him. Clark was keeping me preoccupied, and I really enjoyed the time we spent together. I was still suffering on the inside and missing Ethan so much it actually hurt to stand or breathe on some occasions. I believe I was pretty good at hiding my true feelings most of the time now though.

  The final week of May, I returned to Ponderosa. The manager of the clothing shop I had worked for during the previous summers hired me back. I worked through June and into July.

  One late afternoon in mid-July, I left work and walked into the hustle and bustle of our streets. Living in a year-round tourist town numbs you to busyness and scurrying people. The shop where I worked sat up on a hill and our entrance was atop a set of steps. The day was bright, warm, and exactly like every other summer day. After scanning left, then right toward Lake Everclear, I descended the concrete steps. When my attention lifted from the placement of my feet, Clark was standing in front of me! I could not believe he was really there. He had to have gone to a lot trouble to get to me. Clark of course knew my home address because he had sent me cards and little gifts throughout the summer, but I never expected to see him in Ponderosa.

  The only way I can describe my feelings at that moment is to say I slowly exhaled and felt like I could sleep for a week. As soon as I saw him, I realized I had basically been holding my breath for months. I carried so much tension in my chest, it hurt all time. Once again, my best friend showed up and he was there to hold me.

  Clark hugged me and kissed me on my neck, then on my cheek, then on my lips. I could finally inhale fresh air. I was so happy to see him. I kissed him back pulling him to me over and over again.

  “I missed you so much Clark. So much!”

  After a few more minutes of our intimate turned playful embrace, I jumped back from him, and as if he'd been with me all along, I said, “Come on, let’s go walk on Idaho's version of the beach!”

  “Okay,” he replied smiling, clearly relaxed and confident in his decision to come see me.

  My hometown is so small that the waterfront park is only a block from where I worked. We reached the beach and immediately sat in the sand. I hooked my hand through his arm and put my head on his shoulder.

  “So this is Lake Everclear? The lake you were named for?” Clark asked looking out at the scene before us.

  “Yep. What do you think?”

  “You were right, it is amazing here. It may be one of the most beautiful things I ever see. It’s like a picture every direction I turn. It’s July and the temperature is perfect. The lake is so clear, it’s like a mirror. The reflection of the mountains that surround it looks so real. I can’t believe people actually grow up in places like this.”

  “Well believe it. I’ve lived in this state my whole life and was pretty much raised in this town. It’s very small though, so everyone knows everyone. You can hardly take five steps without running into someone you know. I was so ready for a big city like Charleston and the actual beach!”

  “Yes, I guess I can see why you’d want to leave, but this would be hard to leave permanently.” He was in awe.

  I asked, “Why are you here? Certainly you didn't come just for the view.”

  “Before I tell you why I’m here, I have to ask,” he paused and seemed nervous, “Evi, this is a small town, have you seen or spoken to Ethan?”

  I answered in a reassuring and definitive voice, “No Clark. He was sent overseas right after his graduation. It’s really over with him and I’m not surprised.”

  I decided to fill Clark in on my epiphany of my past with Ethan. “Clark, Ethan never really wanted me permanently. Our, so called relationship goes back to when I was only fifteen and he was seventeen. I never told you about him when we were dating because, I guess deep down, I always knew there was nothing to tell.” I looked toward the water, then back at him and continued, “Ethan was never truly committed to me. He had a serious girlfriend for five years. I see now that I was just someone he dated in between his breakup with her and his deployment.” I had been telling myself this since he handed me his ring. It was the only way I could get over him. I concluded, “It was never real Clark.”

  “Evi, it happened, so it was real. You seemed pretty serious and he seemed pretty serious too. I want and need you to be sure because… I came here to get you.”

  “Get me? What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I’m here to take you back Evi. I’ve moved into my parents’ condo in Oceanside and I want you to come live with me for the rest of the summer. School starts in six weeks and I don’t think we should waste a minute. I’m living in a three bedroom condo alone, and everyday you are all I can think about. There is absolutely no reason for you to say no.”

  “Well, moving in with a guy is a huge reason to say no Clark, and not having money or a job are two more big reasons to say no.”

  “You’ll have your own room, you can easily find a job nearby, and you won’t have any living expenses. You will only need to buy food. Everything else you earn, you can save.”

  We were still sitting with his hand on my knee and I was holding onto his arm as if it were my lifeline. I couldn’t take my eyes off of his.

  “Evi, you need to come with me. We need to be near each other. I can tell how happy you are to see me. I can feel how relieved you are that I am here. You know you need to be with me right now too.”

  He pulled my legs over his lap so we were facing each other and he continued pleading his case. “You are almost twenty-one Evi. It is no accident that we met and that we are together. You believe in God having a hand in everything and so do I. You can’t deny that what we have is special. We are meant to have this time together.”

  “I’m not sure I can make a decision in a few minutes Clark. I need to think about it.”

  “You don’t need to think Evi. Let’s do this.” He kissed me like we were alone somewhere, then he said, “I’m not leaving without you.” He kissed me again.

  “Evi?”

  I looked behind us.

  Clark still had his hand on my face. I squeezed it as I slowly
moved it down.

  “Um, hi…” I couldn’t think clearly for a moment. I wasn’t afraid, I was just startled and caught off guard.

  Clark saw my confusion. He kissed me on my forehead and jumped to his feet from his seat on the sand. He walked toward the person with his right hand extended. In his deep, polite Southern drawl, he said, “Hey, I’m Clark Ravenel, and you are?”

  “I’m Brody, Brody Parker.”

  “Hey Brody, it is really nice to finally meet you. I have heard so much about you. Everclear here speaks very fondly of you quite often.”

  “Clark, it’s nice to meet you too,” Brody responded shaking Clark’s hand.

  I got up, walked to them and stood very close to Clark. He placed his left hand on my waist and pulled me. I put one arm behind his back and my other hand on his stomach. He kissed me on my temple.

  “Brody, this is Clark. Clark this is Brody.” I managed an introduction.

  “Where you from Clark?” Brody asked politely.

  “I’m from Atlanta, but I’m attending the Citadel in Charleston right now. Evi and I live only a few minutes apart.”

  I wondered if Ethan had told Brody anything about his encounters with Clark over the past year. I wasn’t sure if Brody was just making small talk or if he really didn’t know about Clark.

  I asked casually, “Brody, what are you doing down here at the public beach? This isn’t your usual hangout.”

  “Well, it’s not your usual hangout either Ev,” he replied with propriety.

  I smiled and shook my head. Our mutual exchange was that we were usually at his house.

  Not wanting to exclude Clark, I spoke up, “Yeah, I just got off of work and Clark was here to surprise me. So, we walked here to this beach to sit and enjoy the view and the fresh air for a little while.”

  “Everybody likes surprises. You sound like a nice guy Clark.”

  Clark raised his eyebrows, smiled and said, “Well, I try.”

  “So Brody, what’s up?” I asked.

  “Oh, some of my friends from school are up here staying with me for the weekend, so we took our boat over there to the marina to grab something to eat. I was just running to the bank real quick when I saw you two sitting here. I had to say hello.” Brody offered a silly grin.

  Clark spoke up, “You live on the lake huh?”

  “Yep. You can see our house from here.” Brody pointed around the edge of the lake to where their house is located.

  “Wow! Beautiful.” Clark complimented.

  I knew Clark was just absorbing information. He wasn’t intimidated at all. He comes from a family with a lot of money too so he would not have been comparing assets with anyone.

  “Thanks man,” Brody said civilly. Then he added, “Hey, so, I gotta run Evi. Clark, it really was nice to meet you. Um, Evi, can I talk to you alone for a minute?” Brody shook Clark’s hand, nodded his head motioning for me to join him, and stepped away.

  I made an annoyed facial expression at him, then looked to Clark. He placed his open hands on my back below my waistline barely above PDA considerations. He pulled me. I kissed him and whispered, “Do you mind? I’m actually very curious to hear what the heck he has to say to me.”

  Clark and I giggled a little as we kissed. He said, “Go. I’m fine. I’ll enjoy the view for a few more minutes. Oh, but, I’d like an answer when you come back.”

  I kissed him again and said, “Mmm, I’m glad you’re here.”

  I walked over to Brody with a flood of emotions. I wanted to run into his arms. I wanted advice only he could give. I wanted to punch him because for the second time in our friendship because I was noticing he looked exactly like Ethan! I held myself together and very confidently said, “So my dearest, most loving and obviously protective best friend, what is so urgent that it can’t be said in a few hours when you call me? Because I know you will not be able to stand not calling me tonight.”

  He laughed and kissed me on my forehead.

  “Oh, I can still do that right Ev? Mr. Handsy over there won’t get mad will he?”

  “Brody! Control yourself. You don’t have to be a jerk. What do you want?” I asked growing irritated.

  “Evi, are you doing the right thing by dating this guy again? I know all about you and Ethan. I know everything. Ethan just left a month ago. He loves you. Seeing you with this guy, seeing him touch you and kiss you, it all makes me sick.”

  “Ethan left me three months ago!” I raised my voice furious that Brody would bring that up. “You obviously got one side of the story Brody. I haven’t spoken to you at all about Ethan and me, because I didn’t know that Ethan has apparently been so open with you. But Brody, he broke up with me… for good! It’s over.”

  “Evi, I know everything and probably more than even you know. You should not be dating anyone. You need to be patient and wait. Ethan trusts you.”

  “If you’ll recall, you were the one who tried to convince me to get over him for two years! So now that I am finally doing what I should have done in the first place, you’ve decided I should go back to waiting for him again?”

  “Evi, things are different now. You can’t deny that. Look, I’ll call you later. I’m just trying to help. I’m not going to tell Ethan about this. Please don’t screw things up. I like having you in my life. I actually love you. Uh, I hate you for making me say that!”

  I laughed hysterically at his disgust when saying that word. He grabbed the back of my head and kissed me one more time. Then, very softly, he whispered something in my ear that almost did force me to punch him, “Evi, read your Bible.”

  With his hand still holding the back of my head and our faces merely inches apart, I clasped his wrist and said, “Brody, I’m not going to react to that because I wouldn’t be able to control myself if I did. Don’t you ever say that to me again.” I looked down, then back into his eyes, “Clark makes me happy. We make each other happy. He’s my home now. But Brody, even as deeply as you just hurt me, please know, I’ll always love you too.”

  We released each other and turned away without exchanging any more words. Brody wasn’t apologetic. However, remorse reflected in his eyes. His mind game backfired.

  Spine straight. Smile on. I walked to Clark completely aware that he never took his eyes off of us. He spoke first. “Evi, I’m not ignorant. I know who that guy is. Geez, he looks exactly like his brother. Not knowing them very well, it took a second glance for me to realize that he isn’t Ethan.”

  I didn’t respond. I just looked at him lovingly.

  He continued, “Be honest with me; did Ethan always know how close you two apparently are, and was he trying to get you to stop seeing me?”

  “Yup and yup! My relationship with Brody never bothered Ethan at all until he and I dated. Then,” I smirked, “Ethan said he was one hundred percent on your side when it came to me spending nights with Brody. He ended that.”

  “Well, I’m thankful to Ethan for his interference. As for Brody, I figured he was over there lecturing you. So Evi, I’d like an answer.”

  I looked at him, then looked out at Lake Everclear. I thought about spending the summer in Ponderosa and I thought about waking up at the beach every day. Then, I thought for a moment about how Ethan would feel about me living with Clark. I remembered Ethan saying he would keep his promises and he trusted me to keep mine. Finally, I remembered telling Ethan when he left me, that if he walked out the door, I would find someone else.

  “I’d love to move to Oceanside with you Clark.”

  He kissed me.

  I added, “I can’t wait to do this in our new home. For now though, I know a place where we can be alone for a little while.”

  His eyes lit up. He smiled. He kissed me harder.

  We left Clark’s rental car parked in town and I drove us just a few miles away to a dirt road that follows a small river. Summer time made finding an uninhabited location a bit more difficult, but since it was a weekday, I was able to find a small sandy spot by a creek. We to
ok a blanket from my trunk and made ourselves comfortable in the shade. Clark and I removed our shoes and stretched out on the blanket. The depth and sincerity of his love for me was undeniable. We remained in each other’s arms for a couple of hours. Of course, once I got hungry, it was time to go.

  Clark and I went to my house. My mom had dinner ready, and I was overjoyed to introduce him to my parents. During dinner, we explained calmly, together, that I would be moving back to South Carolina with him. I assured my parents that they did not need to worry about this decision. They could trust me and they could trust Clark. He was very reassuring as well when explaining that we were certainly going to have separate rooms and we would be roommates for six weeks. Clark was very successful at winning them over. He was such a gentleman and so very genuine.

  The truth, I don’t think they were too thrilled. After all, there was no mistaking nor hiding our feelings for one another. However, they told me they trusted me and gave us their consent.

  After rearranging my end of summer travel plans, I flew to Florida to pick up my car and I drove to South Carolina. I couldn’t believe I was living with a boyfriend.

  * * *

  Settling into Clark's condo was a bit awkward. I immediately regretted my decision, but there was no turning back. I had to push through the next five weeks and make the best of it. A nearby restaurant hired me to hostess and the tips were actually quite good. When I wasn’t working, Clark and I swam in the pool, played in the ocean, or walked on the beach. Overall, once the awkwardness of the situation subsided, it was a perfect way to spend the summer.

  Clark worked very hard to get me to relax and feel at home, and it worked. I started to realize again that I was in love with him.

  One day, after swimming, Clark and I were in the kitchen making lunch. I had a feeling he wanted to tell me something, so I was just staying busy until he was ready to say whatever was on his mind.