Just for Now

by Victoria Benson

  “Evi,” he said very seriously.

  “Yes,” I stopped what I was doing and gave him my attention.

  Standing behind me, he stepped close to me so as much of him as possible was pressed against me. He put his hands gently on my hips. He whispered in my ear, “I know I said this to you when we dated over a year ago, but I want you to know that I do love you.”

  I sort of knew this was coming. I looked at my hands resting on the counter. I remembered all of the times Clark had held me, comforted me, listened to me, forgave me, accepted me, and I remembered the times he kissed me. He never gave up on me. Then, I tried to remember things I had done for him that could possibly mean anything of importance. It had been such a one sided relationship.

  “Clark, why do you love me?” I asked, still not facing him.

  “I love you because I fell in love with you the very first instant that I saw you. I will do anything for you. You being near me makes me happy. You’re my home. You’re kind and you know me, deep down, you know me. And Evi, I trust you.”

  I paused. What was wrong with me? Why did I think about someone who didn’t want me? Then feeling his hands on me and thinking about his words, I replied, “I’m still in love with you too Clark. I’m glad you asked me to come here with you.”

  I had been living there with Clark for two weeks and that was the first time my heart pounded for him. That was the first time since he had gone to get me in Ponderosa that my heart was his. I turned around and looked at him. I didn’t even need to say anything. He leaned towards me and placed his hand in the center of my chest. I said in a flirtatious tone, “Do you feel it? My heart is beating for you.”

  He responded softly, “Forever.”

  He wrapped both arms around me and we kissed.

  As our embrace began getting more and more heated, I stopped him and said, “This is dangerous Clark.”

  He held onto me, looked into my eyes and said, “No, it’s not Evi because we will never do anything that either of us will regret. I love you and I want all of you, but I’m willing to wait until you’re ready or until we’re married if that’s what you want. When I went to Idaho to get you, it was because I truly need you with me. I didn’t bring you here to lure you into doing something you’ll regret. I can think more clearly when you are near me. I can breathe when you are with me.”

  I couldn't believe he said he can breathe when I am with him, because that was exactly how I always feel with him. I could relax and I could breathe.

  I took his hand and walked him to the couch. I pushed him down, then crawled on top of him. I pressed my bare stomach against his, then I gently touched his lips with mine. Without kissing him I whispered, “I love you Clark.”

  He put his hands on the outside of my thighs just below my hips and pulled me to him. I smiled in approval.

  “I love you Evi.”

  Those words from him filled me.

  We spent the afternoon in each other's arms. We ate lunch, napped, played games, and watched TV. I had a perfect glimpse of what my life could be like with him forever, and I really loved it. Clark was not going to let go of my heart.

  The next three weeks passed smoothly and quickly and before we knew it, it was time to move back to Charleston. Clark and I packed up what little we had and left to begin our junior year of college.

  Chapter 21

  “Um, Miss Jordan? Hello? Excuse me? I think we lost you.”

  Confused, I blinked.

  “Miss Jordan, the last thing you said was that Ethan had graduated and had been deployed to the middle-east.”

  “Oh! Mr. Moore, I am so sorry. I guess I got distracted. I was thinking about spending a few weeks in Charleston, then deciding to return to Ponderosa for the summer after my sophomore year. I got lost. I apologize.”

  “It’s quite alright. Can you pick up where you left off? You and Ethan separated, he graduated, next…”

  “So, yes, after an unsuccessful job search in Charleston at the conclusion of my sophomore year, I came home. I spent some time that summer with Brody and Kieron. I worked and soon enough, it was time to move back to Charleston.”

  I skipped entirely over my mental detour that included all of my experiences with Clark and told the interviewer, “It was time to start my junior year of college and I still had not heard from Ethan since he had broken up with me in April. Piper and I moved into an apartment near campus. Life progressed. School was uneventful.”

  I thought for a moment, refocused and offered, “I think I’m back on track now Mr. Moore. I’ll move ahead for you though.”

  My story continues…

  At the end of my junior year, I rented a studio apartment in a historic house in downtown Charleston. I had already planned to work full time and would be starting my student teaching rotation as a senior in college. Instead of returning to Atlanta, Clark was going back to Oceanside and asked me to join him. Since he was only going to be an hour away, I told him I would visit him, which I did a couple of times.

  My feelings had faded for Clark, and since I was living alone, I was starting to think about Ethan again. I began to wonder if I was ever going to really get over him. The thought haunted me day and night. Then, one afternoon, early into my move, I was unpacking. An old purse in a box caught my attention so I opened it to see what I had left inside from its last use. Receipts, pens, a lip gloss, a few pieces of dusty, stale gum covered the bottom. I unzipped the inside pocket and gasped. Our ring bag was there. My hands started shaking. I took it out, opened it, and poured the rings onto my palm. Without hesitation, I put my ring on my finger, then I held Ethan’s ring between my fingers and pressed it to my lips. I remembered Ethan giving me my ring, and I remembered the Bible.

  A box was nearby that I thought had our Bible in it, so I crawled hastily to it and ripped the tape from the top. Our Bible with our names written on the Family Marriages page was there. I picked it up, hugged it to my chest, and I cried hard for the first time in a long time over missing Ethan. Our two year wedding anniversary was a couple of weeks away. I wondered where he was and what he was doing in that exact moment. I wanted to scream at him for leaving me: just scream, no words, no insults, no questions, just a loud scream.

  My decision to break up with Clark for good was much easier for me once I began thinking more about Ethan. I called Clark and broke up with him offering the same reasoning as before. I told him that I loved him, but I felt that he kept my attention diverted. I told him it was time for me to work on myself.

  Clark gave our relationship one last effort by sharing some information about Ethan that he thought would win me back over to him, but I didn’t have any emotions left at that moment for either of them. I decided I would be happier alone. All I wanted was to focus on school, work, and my upcoming student teaching. Clark left me alone. I think he was worn out from fighting someone who didn’t even exist in our world anymore. Besides that, he and I both knew he deserved someone who loved only him.

  Having settled my relationship with Clark, I called Ethan’s mom for the first time in a year. I asked her to keep my call a secret, and she said she would. She then explained that Ethan had been assigned a second twelve month deployment in the middle-east. That news hurt. I told her I missed her and her family and I asked her to tell Brody hello for me. She said she missed me too and that she would give everyone my best.

  With past doors closed, locked, and sealed, I sucked up my emotions. I worked, completed my senior year and my student teaching, and I graduated with a degree in education. Being truly alone that year became comfortable and it was nice to have my independence and focus only on myself. I had spent three of my college years dating or pining over Ethan or Clark. The fourth year I chose me! Alone felt good.

  Right after graduation, in May of 2015, I moved back to Ponderosa to live with my parents. It was comforting to be going back to Lake Everclear. I went home confident, secure, and stronger than I had been since I was fifteen years old!

  Af
ter returning to Ponderosa, I learned that Ethan was on a twelve month assignment in Korea. I tried not to think too much about it. Deep down, I had complete faith that he was on the path that God had for him, and I just needed to find my own path. Life progressed.

  At some point in time, Ethan had a little cabin built next door to his parents so he’d have a place to stay when he was on leave. I never visited. They live off the beaten path so there was never a reason for me to drive over to his side of the lake. Brody and I were still best friends, but we would hang out at my house or meet on the mountain. I was pleasantly surprised at myself for not going over there just to catch a glimpse of Ethan’s new home. I stayed focused on me.

  In February of 2016, I was substitute teaching since it was my first year out of school. With Ponderosa being such a small town, there weren’t many teaching jobs available. I didn’t want to move to the city yet, so I stayed home and worked part time.

  One quiet evening, I was sitting alone in my room watching TV when my phone buzzed. Expecting Brody to call, I strained to pull my attention from the show to glance at the screen.

  It was Ethan.

  My mind quickly processed what was happening. I took a breath.

  “Hello,” I answered emotionless yet soft.

  “Hey Ev. It’s me.”

  “Hmm… you huh?”

  He made a puff sound, “Yeah, me.”

  I closed my eyes and squeezed the phone, “Hi Ethan.”

  “Evi, I’m home. I’m on a company leave. I’ll be here in Ponderosa for a couple of weeks.”

  I’m not sure why, but I wasn’t really surprised to hear from him. I guess I knew he obviously still came home to visit. I assumed he was calling to just say hello and catch up like he used to do. I was mad, then happy, then very guarded.

  “I’m glad you sound well Ethan. It’s a relief to hear your voice.” I took another deep breath and decided to cut to the chase. I coldly asked, “So, why are you calling me?”

  “I’d like for you to have dinner with me.”

  “Is that an invitation for someday, or do you have a specific date in mind?”

  “Evi, will you join me for dinner at my house… now?”

  I got sick! I couldn’t speak. I figured he knew I needed a minute because he didn’t call my name or ask if I heard him or anything. The phone was silent.

  When I got air back into my lungs so I could respond, I wanted to yell, but I literally gritted my teeth and just asked, “Now Ethan? Why now?”

  “Evi, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen you. I’d like to say hello face to face. I’d like to show you my house. I’d like to… have dinner with you.”

  I paused again before responding. Then, with no enthusiasm, I said, “Okay Ethan, I’ll be there in a little while.”

  Like I said, I hadn’t seen his cabin and quite frankly, I didn’t have anything else to do, so I made myself presentable for a dinner date and I headed to Ethan’s.

  Driving to his house, I decided to go into the situation wisely knowing he had probably been seeing other women. I vowed not to rekindle old feelings. There was so much he didn’t know about my past three years. I had had to shut down how I felt about him and try to block out my memories of our one quick year together. I knew I had to be cautious, very cautious.

  That night was very snowy. The falling flakes were huge and sticking to everything on contact. The driving conditions were slow because the streets had not been cleared, and the reflection of the headlights on the blowing snow made visibility difficult. When I arrived at his house in my little SUV, the garage door was up and Ethan was standing just outside on the driveway. I knew he wanted me to park in the garage so I wouldn’t have to scrape my car later when I left.

  I pulled into the garage and got out of my car. Ethan had his hands in his jeans’ pockets, and he wasn’t wearing a coat.

  “Hey Evi. You cut your hair?” he asked, making eye contact for only a quick moment. He began stealing glances to study me.

  I watched him trying not to look at me. I finally replied, “Hey Ethan, yes I did. I cut it two years ago and have kept it at my shoulders since. Having hair to my waist became quite a nuisance.”

  I closed my car door.

  “I like it,” he softly said.

  Ethan walked towards me and turned sideways to pass by me between our cars. I kept my eyes on him as I leaned against my car door to give him room to get by me. He looked right at me for a quick moment, and it was like we were in high school again. It felt like he drew the air out of my lungs as he slowly went by. He seemed so nervous, and suddenly so was I.

  Instead of following him though, it is part of my nature to go outside, so I stepped out into the falling snow. I held my arms out with my hands facing up. I turned my face to the sky and let the snow fall on me.

  “Isn’t it beautiful?” I said with my eyes closed.

  “Yes.” I almost couldn't hear his reply.

  I knelt down, picked up some of the freshly fallen snow and let it cascade through my fingers. Ethan didn’t say anything. I knew he would expect that of me. I live for the outdoors and the snow.

  I turned to him and said, “I didn't realize how much I missed this until now. I love the ocean, but I now know this is where I belong.”

  “Yes, this is home,” he softly replied.

  “Idahome!” I smiled big as I said it.

  Ethan smiled too and motioned for me to go into the house.

  “Wait one second please Ethan.”

  He turned and looked at me. Before stepping into the garage, I shook the snow from my hair and brushed the snow off of my gloves. He smiled at me again and looked down at the ground, then he walked to the door leading into the house. I stayed a few steps behind him.

  Ethan pushed a button and as the garage door closed, I followed him in the back door. He held the door open for me and repositioned himself to let me walk in front of him. As I stepped inside, he held his hand out as if escorting me into the next room.

  We slipped our shoes off and I hung my coat off on a nearby hook. Without speaking, I walked into the kitchen. I looked up and stopped completely frozen. Oh my, the windows. The entire back wall of his living room was glass! The view overlooked the lake. It was frozen over and covered in snow. It was so magical. I walked directly to a window with Ethan following. I felt as if I wanted to climb through and fly over the lake.

  “Can I touch the glass Ethan?”

  “Of course you can.”

  “I’ll clean the hand prints, I promise,” I said while staring in awe of the view before me. I pressed my hands on the window and wished I could hold that scene in my palms and take it with me.

  When it snows in Ponderosa, it’s actually not dark. Sometimes it’s as bright as the sky after sunset, even in middle of the night. I could see so far. I stood staring out the window with a lump in my throat. I could have stayed there forever. Ethan stood very still and very quiet behind me.

  “I built steps to the lake Evi.”

  What was I supposed to say to him? I was quiet, still absorbing the view, and beginning to worry about getting hooked again.

  Then, I noticed not the view outside, but the view inside. I realized I could see Ethan staring at me in the reflection. He wouldn’t take his eyes off of me. He didn’t see me looking at him in the reflection, so I didn’t draw attention to my notice of him. I just wanted to watch him without him knowing it.

  “Did you bring our rings Evi?” His expression turned hopeful.

  Still not knowing I could see his face, I thought about lying to him so I wouldn’t seem weak. Suddenly, I felt cold. I crossed my arms in front of me grabbing my elbows. I was trying to protect my heart.

  I replied, “Yes Ethan. I put them away for a while, but… but I started carrying them again a year ago. I never leave them behind. They’ve been my only comfort, my only hope that you’d keep your promise to me, that I could trust you to come back to me.”

  Suddenly, unable to control mys
elf, three years of tears fell while I still faced away from him. “You left me. You left me! Oh God, it hurt, it still hurts.”

  I wanted to scream. While crying, I noticed his tears too when he stepped close to me. He didn’t turn me around. I don’t think he wanted me to see his face yet.

  He barely whispered, “I’m so sorry. Will you let me prove to you that I want you to forgive me?”

  I continued crying.

  Then, beginning to hold back tears so I could speak I said, “You left me Ethan. Then you didn’t call me or even try to contact me for almost three years! You promised me you’d stay with me. Then, you broke up with me as soon as you thought I was getting in your way. You don’t get to be forgiven so easily.”

  “Evi, I needed to focus on my job, and I needed a plan for bringing you home to me. I realized we got too close too soon. I had nothing to offer you. You were still so young and…”

  I interrupted, “I think I deserved a part in the decision. And also, you used that same excuse that I was ‘too young’ when you got back together with Hannah before you left for school over six years ago! Your job is important. I’m too young. Your ex-girlfriend loves you and she was good to you. Do you have any more excuses you’d like to share as to why you left?”

  “Evi, we both were young then. I needed to build a life for us so we could be together. I knew the risk of losing you, but all I could do was pray that you would trust me to keep my promises. I needed you to trust that I meant it when I said I was married to you. I just couldn’t give you the attention you would have needed or that you deserved these past few years.”

  I was still so in love with him. I didn’t know what to do next. I placed my hands on the window again, and I looked out across Lake Everclear. I had to let my mind go back to thinking about the beauty outside for a moment.

  “Ethan, did you even think about me for the past three years? Did you ever, at any time, pick up your phone to call me? Did you ever think about what you did to me?”