Just for Now

by Victoria Benson

  “Evi, I’ve never realized this is the how you truly feel.” His tears fell. “I can hardly bear all the things you’ve had to face. How can you still look at me? What have I done to you?”

  “Well Ethan, it has been a rough eight years, but I’ve healed over and over again. I’ve never stopped loving you. We vowed to God we’d love each other in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse. We’ve had our share of worse, but I wouldn’t trade the good for anything.”

  In desperation he said, “I will spend the rest of my life making things up to you. I don’t deserve your constant love and forgiveness, but I am so grateful for it Evi. So grateful.”

  “Ethan, I love you. I am curious about something though. Do you truly feel we are married? Or has this been a fantasy? Did we create a situation so we wouldn’t feel guilty about being together?”

  “You’re my wife Evi. I want a family with you. I want to fill our home with love and children. You are the only one I want. I am married to you.”

  “Yes, that sounds great. But, I want my life back. I want the last eight years back. And more than anything Ethan, I want my daughter back.” I turned away from him.

  “Evi, I’m here. We’re going to get through this and we’ll get better each day. I want Brighton back too. I love her too! We need to get through this together.”

  I pushed the button and called for the nurse.

  “I want you to go Ethan. I’m an adult. I’ll sign myself out of the hospital.”

  “Evi, I’m not leaving you. You can’t make me leave,” he said with insecurity in his voice.

  “I don’t have to make you leave Ethan. I don’t want you here. Besides, you’ll have to go to work any day now. The Army is going to make you leave.”

  The nurse came into my room, and I asked her if she could help me call for some food because my boyfriend needed to go to work.

  “Ethan, I love you so much, but I have never and will never be your priority. Maybe, when we had Brighton, we would have been your priority together, but I don’t believe I alone can hold onto you. I need to be all you want in this world, not the girl you love on weekends and holidays.”

  “This isn’t over Evi.” He left. He actually left again.

  * * *

  Two days later, I called my parents to get me from the hospital. They had assumed Ethan was with me the whole time. I wanted to recover alone. Sure enough, Ethan was transferred to Fort Jackson and he did leave that week. I don’t know if he was planning in his mind to come back for me, or if he agreed with me. Maybe he felt that he had hurt me too many times to face me every day while carrying that guilt. No matter, I was still only twenty-four, and I was ready to start fresh.

  Although I knew Ethan was in South Carolina, I decided I wanted to move back to Charleston. I found a small studio apartment downtown for little Piper and I, and I was able to get a teaching job at a private academy on one of the islands. I closed the door on my old life. I asked Ethan’s family and my family to promise me that no one outside of us would ever know about the past few months.

  Once I was settled into my new life, I contacted Piper to update her on my relationship with Ethan and to let her know I was living in Charleston again. She was living in Florida and was engaged. She asked me to be a bridesmaid, and I couldn’t wait to see her at her wedding.

  Thankfully, Piper was getting married in December so I would have plenty of time off to go be with her. I didn’t want to go home for Christmas. I did not want to see anyone from Ponderosa just yet.

  Piper and her fiancé were having their wedding on a private beach south of Fort Lauderdale. The scene was as beautiful as was the bride. I walked down the aisle to the altar with my hand holding the arm of a groomsman. I kept my focus on the minister as I took my place in line with the other bridesmaids. Then, I turned to watch Piper walk down the aisle with her dad. A tear rolled down my cheek as I watched in awe of her beauty and peace. I actually did not miss Ethan or even think about him. Piper was the only person on my mind.

  Throughout the ceremony, my attention remained on the wedding. Then, I started feeling a draw to look at the guests. I hadn’t noticed the people in the congregation up that point. I looked out and slightly to my right… and there he was. Yep, Clark was there, staring at me, smiling at me, pulling me. Suddenly, once again, I could breathe. A weight had been lifted. I dropped my head and fought like crazy to hold back tears. I worked really hard to regain my focus on the minister so I wouldn’t miss anything.

  At the conclusion of the ceremony, the groomsman escorted me back down the aisle. I smiled at Clark and remembered running into his arms the first night we ever met. I knew he was coming for me. I knew I would be running to him again.

  As the guests were released, I stood off to the side waiting for him and he did not delay. He walked right up to me as confident as ever and said, “Hi my name is Clark Ravenel. I’m from Atlanta, Georgia, and I am a graduate of the Citadel. What’s your name?”

  “Hi Clark. My name is Evi, I mean Everclear Jordan. I used to know a wonderful young man named Clark Ravenel who was a cadet at the Citadel. Do you know him?”

  “I do know him Miss Jordan. He’s still exactly the same. He fell in love with a beautiful girl from Idaho when he was nineteen, and he has never loved anyone else since the moment he met her.”

  “Does this mean he may still be interested in that girl?”

  “Nope, it means he still plans on marrying that girl. He promised her forever, and he meant it. He has never let her down, and he will never let her down.”

  Clark pulled out an engagement ring and knelt down on one knee. He said so lovingly, “I don’t know what has happened in your life since I last saw you two years ago, and I can’t wait to listen to you tell me about every moment. I don’t want you to leave out a single detail. Your experiences make you who you are. I have always loved you! I will always love you! I will never let you go again. I mean it Evi. I want forever to start right now! I will not take no for answer. God has brought you back to me for a third time and this one is meant to be. Will you marry me forever, as soon as possible?”

  I didn’t hesitate, “Clark, I can’t wait to marry you! Yes!”

  A crowd cheered behind us, and Piper and her husband ran to congratulate us. We sheepishly hugged them, then stepped aside so not to steal their glory. We just wanted to be with each other and not the center of attention.

  Clark took my hand and kissed it. Then I kissed him so gently and thankfully. Our eyes never lost focus on each other. We walked to the dance floor and held onto each other.

  After the wedding we stayed together in his room. We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other, but we decided to wait until our wedding night to be together.

  Clark had already been invited to Piper’s wedding, but she made a point to call him and tell him that I was also going to be there and that I was no longer with Ethan. She also added that she knew for certain I would never be with Ethan again.

  Clark wasn’t going to miss this opportunity. He flew from Atlanta to Florida and patiently waited to get to me. The timing was perfect… just like God had a hand in it.

  Clark was working for his dad, and although he had work to do, he convinced his boss to let him take a few extra days off since it was the Christmas holiday. His family was disappointed that he would be missing Christmas day with them, but they were happy he was with the girl from the pictures that he had been in love with for years.

  Since Clark had flown to Florida, he rode back to Charleston to spend Christmas, and of course New Year’s Eve, with me. I also couldn’t wait to introduce him to my other best friend Piper. They loved each other and the three of us had a wonderful week together.

  I told him everything, absolutely everything. He was so sorry about me losing Brighton. He held me, cried with me and promised to be with me.

  “Can you forgive me Clark? Can you live with me and love me even though I’ve been through so much and I’ve left so
many times?” I asked unable to understand his kind of love.

  “I didn’t know how I was ever going to get you back Evi. I didn’t know why I kept waiting and waiting for you. I could not give up hope that you were meant to be with me. I am so sorry for all you’ve had to go through. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t prevent you from being hurt. But I am so grateful that the path you’ve been on, brought you back to me. There is nothing you’ve done that needs to be forgiven.”

  We set a date to get married in Atlanta in June as soon as school was out. I would quit my job at the end of the year and move to Georgia. Clark returned to Atlanta, but we promised to be together every weekend.

  My Spring Break was approaching and I was planning on spending it with Clark’s family. I was packing my suitcase and packing Piper’s food and bed when I heard my door open and close. It scared me so I grabbed Piper and cautiously peeked around the corner to the living room.

  “Clark! What the heck are you doing here? You nearly scared me to death!” I rushed over to him still holding Piper. I grabbed the back of his neck, pressed against him and kissed him a lot.

  He placed his hands on my shoulders and pushed me away very gently. Then, he looked into my eyes, “I came to tell you I don’t want you to come to Atlanta this week Evi.”

  “Why not? We promised your parents I’d be there this week. We are going to Atlanta.”

  “Well, I’m not taking you to Atlanta ever again as just my girlfriend.”

  “So you don’t want me going back there until June?!”

  “No, we’re getting married now. I can’t wait any longer Evi. We can have a big reception in June. Our families and friends will all be there, but I’ve waited six years for you and I’m done waiting. We’re getting married today.”

  “It’s not that simple is it?” I asked, then worried, “I don’t even have a ring for you.”

  “We can get a ring for me later. I don’t care about that. I’ve worked out the details. I have a few friends from the Citadel coming to witness for us. The minister from the church we attended here in Charleston will officiate. We’re getting married out at Folly in just a little while. No one will know but us, well, just for now at least. I know you have something perfect to wear in that closet. Go get dressed. My friend will drive you to the beach when you’re ready. I’ll be there waiting for you.”

  I didn’t argue or even question him. Clark was so confident, in charge and sure. He was all I wanted and needed. I happened to have a white, tea length, ball gown that I knew Clark had never seen. I curled my hair quickly, added more makeup, got dressed, and went out to meet his friend.

  Sitting on the seat in the car was a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a note that read: Everclear, I chose this day to marry you because it is the only day in our past that I can’t bear to remember. This is the day you left me six years ago. But from now, to forever, it will be the day we love more than any other. Our life, our family, our love story starts anew in a few minutes. I love you Evi. I’ll see you at the altar.

  We arrived at Folly Beach, and I was escorted to Clark and the minister.

  “Miss Everclear Jordan are you ready to marry Mr. Clark Ravenel?”

  “Yes sir. Very ready.” I handed my flowers to the girl standing beside me.

  The minister continued, “I have prepared vows for you but please feel free to include your own as well.”

  Clark and I exchanged vows and said “I do” to one another, and when offered the opportunity to speak before we kissed, I asked if I could speak first. He nodded.

  I said, “Clark, I’m not sure I deserve you. I’m not sure I will ever deserve you. You have rescued me from myself for six years and never stopped believing in me. You welcome me, you love me, you forgive me, you carry me. You are the only reason I can still breathe. I promise to tell you ‘thank you’ for loving me every day. I promise to love you every day. I promise to love whatever may come. I promise to have children with you, and to tell them that their daddy is my hero and the best daddy in the world. And finally, I promise to keep my promises. I love you.”

  Clark didn’t speak at first. Instead, he pressed my hands to his face. He looked at me and then at the minister, then back at me again and said, “You’ve said everything I wanted to say Evi with one exception. That is, I promise to make your heart beat for me forever. You are and always have been my only one.”

  “You may kiss your bride,” the pastor concluded.

  This may not have been my first kiss, nor his first kiss, but it was our first kiss as one. We took a little extra time to enjoy it and to love our moment, our beginning.

  There was a photographer at our wedding so we had lots of pictures taken. The sky was clear and the temperature warm. The ocean was singing throughout the entire ceremony. We laughed and played knowing we were meant to be together.

  On our way back to my, well our apartment, we briefly discussed a honeymoon. Then, we discussed if we wanted to have children right away or wait. I was twenty-five then and he was twenty-six. I suggested we just enjoy our first night as husband and wife and worry about family planning later.

  Clark carried me through the door, closed it behind us, carried me to our bedroom, and closed that door behind us. I was all his. He pulled back the sheets on the bed and he made love to me, his wife.

  Since we got married on Saturday, we woke up Sunday morning and decided we’d go to his family’s condo in Oceanside for a few days. We enjoyed more time alone, then early afternoon, we packed everything up, grabbed Piper and headed out. We were excited to go to the beach, and we were excited to tell his parents that we had gotten married. I was afraid they would be upset, but Clark assured me that they were going to love me. He was sure their only concern would be us having to live apart for the three months until school was out.

  We arrived at his condo in Oceanside. We went in, and of course I ran straight through to the balcony. After inhaling the air and my surroundings, I went inside. Clark was standing there and had been watching me look at the view. I walked to him, took his hand, led him to the couch, and pushed him down just as I had done a few years earlier. I straddled his lap and whispered “I love you Clark. It’s time for our honeymoon to start.”

  We stayed in Oceanside until Wednesday morning, then drove to Atlanta. Just as Clark had said, his parents were welcoming and happy for us. My family came to Atlanta for our reception and it was so great to see them. I was pregnant by then and Clark and I were beyond happy. He was so proud of me. He was so proud of our babies. Yes, babies. I was having twin boys. I didn’t get very sick throughout my pregnancy, and for that I was extremely grateful as well.

  Years passed. Our boys Jax and Drake were born and when they were three, Emmi-Kate came along. Since Clark had to work, I had been going to visit my family in Ponderosa alone several times a year. He would join me when he could. He had a great job so we could afford for me to go home every other month or so. It was very important that my parents be a big part of our children’s lives.

  Winter had arrived, the boys were strong, and I was ready to get them on skis! We arrived in Idaho and I headed off to take all of my babies down the mountain. Clark was going to be joining us later in the week. I promised to send lots of videos and pictures.

  I was so excited for our adventure. I loaded all of our gear into our rented SUV and drove up to the mountain. I never really thought through the logistics of keeping the boys up and getting myself down safely with Emmi-Kate in a pack. Confused, I sat in the lodge staring at our piles of gear.

  “Everclear Jordan, what do you think you are doing?” Two voices scolded me and laughed.

  “Kieron! Brody! I need help,” I whined.

  “By the way guys, my name is Everclear Ravenel now. This is Jax and this is Drake. We need help. Don’t we babies?”

  The boys nodded so sweetly. You could tell they felt sorry for me. I thanked God no one was crying.

  “Well, first of all, Everclear Ravenel, how the heck do you tel
l them apart?” Kieron asked laughing loudly.

  “And second, boys, do you want to go shred some cords?” Brody chimed into the conversation.

  Again, my boys just nodded and looked at me to see if these weirdos were safe.

  “It’s okay boys. This is Brody, and this is Kieron. They are mommy’s very best friends. I taught them how to ski many years ago, so now they’re going to help me teach you two to ski.”

  “Oh! Seriously Evi!”

  “You big boys should not contradict me,” I said still using a baby voice.

  They rolled their eyes at me and laughed. Brody grabbed Jax and his gear, Kieron grabbed Drake and his gear, I reminded each of them who they were holding, and I hoisted Emmi-Kate onto my back. I took a few pictures and off we went.

  I’m a good skier, but handling now four boys, and a baby, and a camera was almost more than I could take. Once my sons were comfortable with Kieron and Brody, I asked if I could leave them so I could take a few runs alone. The big boys seemed unnerved at my request, so I told them to go inside for a little while. I bought them all a basket of fries and that seemed to keep them distracted.

  “Don’t feed Emmi-Kate fries. She’ll choke. Just give her little crackers until I get back. Here are their juices. No beers!”

  “Wait, you’re leaving us that one too?” Brody pointed to Emmi-Kate.

  “Yes! You’ll all be fine,” I insisted.

  Kieron joked before I walked away, “So we have to keep them all alive for how long?”

  “Kieron! Knock it off! I’ll be right back. They’re humans, not porcelain dolls.” I left before they could offer any more arguments.

  On my own, I floated down the slopes, hit a few jumps, skied some bumps, and slid backwards for old times’ sake. I thought about Brighton, as I had every day since I lost her. I thought about how old she would’ve been if she were there with me, and how fun it would have been skiing with her and raising her on Lake Everclear. My life with her would have been so different than my life is with my boys and Emmi. After four or five runs, I headed back to the lodge to my family.