Just for Now

by Victoria Benson

  Brody and Kieron helped me pack up, and they hugged us all as we said goodbye. I told them Clark was coming in a few days, and we’d be back up so he could watch the boys ski. They told me to call them each time I came up so they could help me and get Jax and Drake really strong on their skis. I also told Brody to come get Piper for a few days. She always loved spending time with him.

  “Are you boys ready to go to Mr. Poppy’s for ice cream?” I cheered.

  “Yes!” Jax and Drake yelled. Emmi-Kate had fallen asleep.

  “Bye Brody. Bye Kieron. I love you and miss you both so much. I’ll call y’all soon.”

  When we arrived at Mr. Poppy’s, I packed Emmi in her front carrying pack and brought the boys into the restaurant to so we could sit. I was tired but still needed to take care of all of them at once. Eating cones in a rental car was not going to happen. I texted my mom to let her know where we were and that I’d be home very soon.

  A waitress brought us our ice cream and I started working to keep everyone tidy and snacking. Jax and Drake are so calm and sweet. It’s such a blessing not having rowdy boys. Manners and love were our daily lessons.

  Emmi was still sleeping, but I needed to adjust her so I could help the boys. I slid out of the booth and a gentleman behind me asked, “Can I help you ma’am?”

  I turned, “Ethan! What are you doing here?”

  “Brody texted me and told me you’d be here. He thought I should come say hello and just see for myself that you’re okay. But, you look like you could use a hand.”

  “Um… okay… sure. I’m so hot. Can you pull her off of me, so I can sit down? Then I can take her back.”

  Ethan cradled Emmi so carefully as he stared at her face. When I was ready, he handed her back to me.

  “So are you going to introduce me to everyone?” he asked.

  “Uh, sure. This is Jax, this is Drake and this is Emerson-Katherine. We call her Emmi-Kate. Boys, this is Mr. Ethan. You know that funny guy named Brody who was helping you ski Jax, this is his big brother. He’s a soldier.”

  “Like daddy?” Drake asked.

  “Yes, sweetie. Like your daddy used to be. Except, Mr. Ethan here is still a soldier and daddy works with grandpa.”

  I informed Ethan that Clark had actually enlisted in the army for four years after he graduated from the Citadel.

  “Mommy says daddy’s her hero!” Jax said raising his spoon over his head with a mouthful of ice cream. “Yeah baby, I do.” I wasn’t sure what else to say.

  “Gosh Evi. How do you tell them apart?” Ethan laughed a little and then added, “They look exactly like their father.”

  “They do, don’t they? I see a lot of Jarren in them too though. They definitely seem to both have Jarren’s laid back disposition.” I laughed too. “However, people always ask me how I tell them apart. They just don’t look alike to me. They are as different as any other people in this world. They’re my life, aren’t you boys?”

  “Mm, hm…” they both mumbled and nodded while continuing to shovel ice cream into their mouths.

  Emmi was waking up and squirming. I shifted her so she could see what was going on and she smiled at Ethan. Then, she immediately reached for the ice cream.

  “She looks exactly like you Evi! Holy cow! Exactly like you.”

  “Well, thank you Ethan, because I think she’s beautiful.”

  “Well, she is. You both are.”

  I blushed.

  I asked Ethan how he was doing and noticed he was wearing a wedding ring. He said that he and Hannah had gotten married and they were stationed in Oregon. They didn’t have children yet, but were starting to talk about it. Hannah liked working and hadn’t decided how to fit kids into her schedule yet, but they were seriously thinking about starting a family soon.

  I told Ethan that I had moved back to Charleston right after we broke up. He was shocked that I was so close to him and he didn’t know it. I told him I never saw any point in going backwards. I told him I saw Clark at Piper’s wedding, and we were never apart again.

  I felt bad for him because I wasn’t sure that he was truly happy, but clearly I was. My husband lived for me, did everything for me, our children and I were his life. I love Clark so much and was so glad the way my life was going.

  After catching up, the boys finished their treats and were exhausted. I also needed to feed Emmi-Kate something besides ice cream and crackers. Ethan helped me get the boys cleaned up, and he held Emmi for me while I got out my wallet to pay the bill. As I fumbled for cash, he handed the waitress money and she walked away.

  “Thank you Ethan. You didn’t have to do that.”

  “I know, I wanted to.”

  I held the boys’ hands in one hand and Emmi in my other hand, and I looked at Ethan and whispered to him very softly, “They’ll never know they have big sister in Heaven Ethan. I think about her every day.” A few tears fell from my eyes. Since my hands were full, he gently wiped them for me. After all, they were tears for his baby.

  He then wiped tears from his own eyes and kissed me on my head, “I do too Evi.”

  In a cheerful voice Ethan said to my boys, “Hey, it was really nice to meet you guys. My brother Brody told me you two are going to be champion skiers like your mommy someday.”

  We walked to the door together and Ethan held it open for us.

  “Daddy!” Drake yelled and he took off running down the sidewalk. It scared me, but Clark ran faster and grabbed him before he got into the parking lot.

  “Hey buddy! Where’s your… mommy?” Clark looked up and saw me standing there with Ethan. He walked straight to us and held out his hand to Ethan. “Ethan, it’s great to see you again. I hope you’ve been well. Thank you for your service.”

  “Thank you Clark. It’s good to see you too.”

  I had a sudden flash of the last time the three of us met on a street. I was with Ethan then. It’s strange how life changes. Then, Clark broke my concentration when he leaned to me and took Emmi-Kate. He kissed her on her lips, then kissed me on my lips. “Hey babe, I couldn’t wait another minute to be with you and the kids. I flew out here a few days early. I hope you don’t mind.”

  Seeing him made my heart pound and butterflies in my stomach flutter. “Clark, I’m so glad to see you. I missed you so much; of course I don’t mind. I love you.”

  Jax began jumping at Clark’s legs because he was holding Emmi and Drake.

  “Jax baby, come here,” I said. He let me hold him, but he leaned really far to get a kiss from his daddy. He was not going to be left out. Clark kissed him on his forehead and cheek and said so sweetly, “Hey Jax buddy, I missed you.”

  It was time to move this along so I said in a meaningful tone, “Ethan, it was great to see you. I wish you and Hannah the very best. Maybe we’ll be in town at the same time again in the future and we can all get together.” I squeezed his arm just above his elbow and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

  “Yeah, maybe. Y’all have a good time this week.”

  “Bye Ethan.” My voice cracked and tears formed in my eyes. He noticed, but he quickly walked away.

  Clark kissed me so sweetly and said, “You knew this day would come and so did I. Are you okay? I’m not worried. I just want to know that you’re okay. You’ve been through a lot and you’re probably really tired right now. I’m here. I love you.”

  I cried on his shoulder for just a minute with our children staring at me like I was crazy. I laughed at their little faces. I kissed my husband very deeply, and I said, “Wow! I am perfect. We are perfect. Thank you for loving me, thank you for marrying me and thank for giving me these babies. I love you Clark, more every day. Now let’s go put these angels down for their naps.” I raised my eyebrows at him.

  “Mmm… Let’s go,” he seductively replied.

  Chapter 26

  I woke up in a hospital with a terrible headache. I didn’t look for anyone. As soon as I opened my eyes and realized where I was, I felt my stomach to see if I was still carr
ying my baby. Thank God I was. I held onto my stomach and cried. I was still not noticing if anyone was even around me. All I cared about was my baby.

  “You’re okay. Your baby’s okay.” I heard my mom’s voice.

  My mom shook Ethan’s shoulder, “Ethan, Ethan, wake up dear. Evi’s awake.”

  I’m sure I looked scared. I heard Ethan’s voice, “You’re okay. Our baby’s okay.” He looked exhausted and very confused.

  They were both there beside me and so was my dad, Jarren, Brody, and Ethan’s parents. Someone pressed a button for the nurse to come check on me.

  “How long have I been here?” I asked.

  “Just two days Evi,” Ethan answered. “We’re all here. We haven’t left you.”

  “What happened?” I asked, completely unaware of how I ended up there.

  Ethan still seeming very confused explained, “You fell down the stairs to the lake. You hit your head and have a pretty bad concussion, but you’ll be okay. Our baby is okay. You are early enough in the pregnancy that she was protected from any harm.”

  “Why have I been out for two days?” My throat was dry.

  “The doctors wanted to keep you asleep for a while so the swelling could subside and you wouldn’t have to feel the pain.”

  “How far did I fall?”

  “We don’t know. I heard you scream and I ran to you. You were unconscious and bleeding. You weren’t at the bottom of the staircase but you were close to the bottom. I picked you up and carried you to my parents’ house and told them to get the car. I got in the backseat and held you the whole way to the hospital. You were unconscious the entire time. You never woke up. You were bleeding. You scared me. You scared me. I was so scared.” Ethan put his head on my chest and started to cry.

  “It’s okay babe. I’m okay, Brighton’s okay,” I said to him.

  “Evi, do you remember how you fell?” my mom asked.

  It was all slowly coming back to me, “Yeah, a little. I was dizzy and sick. While I was bent over on my hands and knees, my hand slipped off of the step. I fell head first, and I screamed for Ethan. That’s all I remember.”

  Ethan seem to be praying while speaking, “Thank God you were already down on your knees. This would have been so much worse if you were standing. I love you so much Evi. I’m so sorry about fighting with you that day. I’m so sorry.”

  I guess Ethan had told everyone about our fight, because he sure was open about it then. He’s never open about anything.

  “It’s okay Ethan. It’s over right?” I smiled at him. I was in a lot of pain. My body ached, my head ached and I just wanted to be alone with my husband and my baby for a while.

  “You all can go home now. I’m fine. You don’t need to sit here and watch me sleep. Come back later or tomorrow. I want to rest some more. I love y’all.”

  I knew there was no way Ethan was leaving, and I also had a suspicion that there was no way Jarren was leaving either. Jarren had taken care of me my entire life. He wasn’t going anywhere.

  They each kissed me before they left.

  “Ethan, please don’t go,” I whispered.

  “You don’t even have to say that Everclear. I’m not going anywhere unless it’s with you and Brighton.”

  He kissed me and I fell asleep.

  I’m not sure when I woke up, but Jarren was sitting with me.

  “Hey,” I said to him.

  “Hey Ev. You doing okay? Need anything?”

  “Just water please.”

  “Ethan went to get something to eat. He’ll be back soon. Then I’ll go home for the night and come back tomorrow morning as early as I can.”

  “Okay.”

  “Evi, since we’re alone, if you feel okay, can you tell me why Ethan was so angry with you the other day?”

  “Yeah. I don’t care if you know. I have nothing to hide and neither does he.”

  I was only going to tell Jarren the part of the argument that was relevant to my situation. At the time, I felt that no one else outside of Ethan and I needed to know the full story.

  I began telling Jarren, “Our fight started because Ethan found and read a journal I had written in about the first year after he broke up with me. The fight escalated because of what he read.”

  I continued, “You know Clark and I started dating again after Ethan left me. We didn’t start dating though until July when I moved back to South Carolina and in with him. April through July, I wrote about missing Ethan, then when Clark and I got back together, I wrote about Clark.”

  Jarren was listening carefully.

  “Well, I never really got over Ethan and Clark could easily sense that. One day before Clark and I broke up, in an attempt to keep me and hopefully make me get over Ethan for good, Clark told me a story about the night Ethan left. Ethan never knew I was aware of the whole story of the night we broke up.”

  I rested my head back onto my pillow and looked at the ceiling as I told Jarren more.

  “Ethan took me to a hotel room and sat me down and very coldly broke up with me. Then, he just left. However, I didn’t know at the time, but he didn’t leave the hotel. He was sitting in the stairwell, because he wanted to make sure I was going to be okay.”

  “I texted Piper to come stay with me. She was out with a bunch of our friends and Clark was in that group. She immediately showed Clark the message, and he ran straight to me. He had run up the stairs but didn’t see Ethan because Ethan was sitting on the set of stairs leading up to the third floor.”

  I nervously turned my eyes back to Jarren, “Clark knocked on my door and rushed in as soon as I opened it. Ethan heard and saw everything. He was in the hallway that whole time listening to me cry, listening to Clark comfort me. He heard everything.”

  I rested for a moment and took a deep breath. Then said, “I asked Clark to get me some ice while I showered because my face was swollen from crying so much. Clark took the key from the dresser and went to the stairwell to get ice. Ethan was sitting there in his uniform looking down at his hands.”

  Clark said, “Ethan, what are you still doing here? You need to get back in there and fix this!”

  “I can’t go back to her. I have a job to do. She’s strong. She’s going to be okay.” Ethan was trying to convince himself.

  “Telling yourself that doesn’t mean it’s the truth. You need to go back in there. You can’t leave her. How can you do this? Evi loves you! You can’t leave her like this!”

  “I can’t go back either. She’s going to be okay.”

  Clark gave him the perfect opportunity to fix it, “Ethan, here’s the card. You can’t leave her. If you don’t go back in there, you will never get her back. I promise you I will make sure of that! You choose right now, if you’re going or if I’m going.”

  “It sounds like you’re already trying to make her forget me Clark.”

  “Evi is strong and she’s not going let me or anyone else near her right now, but that’s not the point. She doesn’t deserve this. She’s not someone you can just throw away Ethan.”

  “You don’t understand. I trust her. You don’t know her. You don’t know us. She’s going to be okay.” Ethan responded in a quiet but stern voice.

  “No! You don’t understand. You choose right now if you love her enough to keep her. If you don’t go back in there, I will do everything I can to make sure Evi knows you didn’t love her enough to take care of her. You see Ethan, I do love her. That’s why I can’t stand to watch you do this. I would never treat her this way. I will be here every minute for her.”

  Silence fell between them for a brief moment before Clark said one more time, “Take the key Ethan. Evi wants you; she needs you. This is the last time I’m going to offer it.”

  Ethan got up, looked at Clark and said, “Take care of her for now. But know, I’ll be back for her and she knows that. I promised her I’d be back. Don’t fool yourself Clark. She’ll always belong with me.”

  “And Ethan left me… for the second time that night.”
/>
  I finished my story to Jarren, “After Clark told me that, I thought back to the way he was acting that evening when I got out of the shower and it all made a lot more sense. When he was sitting on the floor of the hotel room and just kept repeating that he was ‘thinking, just thinking’ I figured out that he wasn’t thinking about me, he was thinking about Ethan. I thought he was disappointed in me, and he probably was, but he was more disappointed in Ethan.

  “Clark also let Ethan’s words haunt him. He came here to Ponderosa to get me and take me back to live with him for the remainder of the summer before my junior year. He couldn’t bear to be apart from me. He was never going to let me forget how much he loved me. I believed for a long time that perhaps Clark was the one I was supposed to be with, but I never could stop thinking about Ethan. Clark knew I would always belong with Ethan. I always had and I always will. So, two days ago when Ethan and I had our first real fight, this is what it was about.”

  Jarren simply said, “Clark sounds like a really great guy Evi. You were blessed to have someone so close to you to help you through all of that.”

  “That sums it up nicely Evi. I’m sorry I didn’t let you tell me all of that two days ago. It will never happen again babe. I mean it.” Ethan’s voice softly spoke to me from behind the curtain in the doorway. He had been standing there listening to me tell Jarren a portion of what had happened between us.

  “I’m going to go home now Evi. I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you.” Jarren kissed my hand and left. He patted Ethan on the shoulder as he walked out.

  “I never knew that you didn’t call him Evi. I thought you called him.”

  “No Ethan, I called Piper that night. I needed a friend. Clark took care of me though. Being with him a second time only reminded me, again, that I couldn’t and wouldn’t ever love anyone but you. You were all I could think about. I felt so bad that even though I did love him in a way, he was always a distraction. He kept me from going insane worrying about you. I tried so hard to tell myself every day to trust you. We were married and I could trust you. Finally, I knew I was being unfair to him. I decided I would be happier alone rather than feel the guilt of not loving him the way he deserved. I belonged with you. You are my only one. Do you feel better now?”