Volunteering Your Heart

by Lo'Ren A Mayler

  Staring at the forlorn face reflected in the mirror, Sam told herself as she always did, “You are beautiful. It isn’t you. She is ignorant if she doesn’t see it. You are beautiful. You could go out right now, not change a thing, and catch twenty women interested in a roll in the hay.”

  She thought she had wanted Jak. That it was mutual. There had been something about her from the start. Something different. For some idiotic reason I let myself believe there could be more. Never again. “I’ll call you” yea right. Like I would pick up the phone after that.

  Sam spent the rest of the night, as she did every other, staring out over the busy city, filled with emptiness.

  IX

  Jak re-listened to the message as she raced back to Washington. She would have ignored any other call but the page was for 1117 Peoria Street, AutoZone.

  A fire was one thing, she could have stayed and danced the night away without a care in the world. Chemical fires were a completely different beast. It would be hard to contain. There would be oil, battery acid and any number of hazards, toxins in the air. They didn’t just pose a threat to the public, but to the fireman inside attempting to contain it.

  Downing some Gatorade as she crossed the bridge, trying to hydrate as much as possible. Knowing she had a long hard fight ahead. Jak wouldn’t be early enough to get on an Engine, driving her truck straight to the scene. She kept her turnout gear in the back of her pickup when going out of town, in case of such an emergency. Kicking herself as the town flashed by. Why would you leave? Why didn’t you at least kiss her goodbye? How could you let her go again?

  It was three long hours before the fire was contained and another hour of overhaul. They were finally packing up the hose. Jak’s clothes were drenched with sweat. She smelled like smoke and three-day old body odor. Her jacket and pack were discarded to allow the night air to cool her damp skin. She felt the steam rising from her body. Standing in her bunker pants and black tank, Jak pulled the hose and handed it to the next person in line, Mike.

  “I can’t believe you left her. Are you nuts?” Mike asked as he leaned off the bumper of the engine.

  “Hello,” Jak said motioning towards the charred building. “Have you not taken a look around?”

  “She is never going to forgive you. You know that right?”

  “Of course she will. She knows I’m a firefighter. I have to be there when the page comes in. Are you telling me you didn’t need me here?” Jak knew the answer before he said it.

  “No, you aren’t gonna place the blame on me. We would have been fine, if one more guy had shown up. Hell, I would have kicked your ass for just thinking about stepping foot into that building.”

  She heaved the last of the five-inch hose onto the back of the engine. Stopping as Mike grabbed her arm to get her full attention.

  “Seriously Jak. She won’t understand. Not this soon. You left her hanging on your first date. You’re done man.”

  She didn’t move. She couldn’t. What if Mike was right? Had she blown her only chance? Just because Sam knew she was a first responder didn’t mean she understood what it entailed. They hadn’t gotten that far. Shaking the paralyzing fear from her thoughts as she looked at the source. Should she really be taking advice from Mike?

  Four and a half hours later was a little late to show back up. The bar would be closing soon and she knew, to anyone else, she would smell awful. The house was just a few blocks away, she could get cleaned up and head back. Attempt to make Sam understand that walking out had been her only choice.

  The buzzer went off on her intercom, jarring her from a sort of trance. Sam stared at the box. No one should be hitting her doorbell at three am. It was probably accidental, just hit the wrong button or locked themselves out of the building. Maybe some drunkard trying to get anyone to answer. She ignored the offensive noise and went to get another drink. Let them bother someone else. She tried, in vain, to convince herself it was the last one, for the last three drinks. Each time the glass was empty, it reminded her of her bed, her condo and her life. She should have picked up a book, gotten lost in an adventure. Thrown herself into a timeless romance, praying to rekindle her faith in love. Instead she just sat there, drink in hand.

  The buzzer went off again. They will get the hint. Just ignore it. She dragged her gaze and concentration, once again, to focus on the amber liquid swirling about her glass. Trying to block out everything else. To ignore the hole Jak had left in her chest. The continuous nagging in the back of her mind, telling her that she was the problem. It was her mother’s voice, as always, telling her if things didn’t work out in life, there was only one factor that was constant. Me. Try as she might, she couldn’t figure out where she had gone wrong. How she could have changed the outcome of the night. When her migraine swelled, she sat staring at the swirling fluid. Hoping to stop the what ifs. To ease the ache, by escaping reality. The incessant buzzing was interrupted by her ringing phone. Will it never end? A glance at the screen told her it was Jak.

  She almost didn’t answer. She promised herself she wouldn’t. Yet there she was, holding the phone. Her finger, dangling, precariously close to hitting that big green button. Her mother screamed at her for even thinking about taking the call.

  “What?” Yes, in spite of her mother, she answered the phone. But she’d be damned before caving in enough to hide her impatience or her anger with a woman that would abandon her. Just walk away as if it meant nothing. She meant nothing.

  “Sam, please. Just come talk to me.”

  “I’m sorry, you must have me confused for someone that gives a crap.”

  The line disconnected, but the phone rang again. The intercom never stopped its own incessant demand for attention.

  “Stop!” Sam yelled as she picked up.

  “I’m sorry. I’ll stop as soon as you talk to me.”

  “Fine, speak.” Staring out towards the front door with her arms crossed, brow furrowed. Funny how one physically responded, even when no one could see it. If she wasn’t so infuriated, she would laugh.

  “I meant in person.” Why is it always in person with her? Just say what you have to say so we can get this over with. No ifs, ands, or buts could explain away her deplorable behavior. Between the cop and the fire call, was there any point? Life was hell bent on embarrassing her. Humiliating her until she could never show her face again. What could there possibly be left to say?

  There was a silence on the line. Jak waited for the inevitable, for the line to go dead, again. Mike had been right. Damnit! Why did I go? Standing in the quiet, Jak stopped ringing the bell. She would not call back, even though she had said otherwise. The door stared, defiantly, at her. As if it could slam in her face without moving. She had no idea how to fix this and considered for a second, she wasn’t meant to. Perhaps, it was never meant to be. Defeated, she turned back towards her truck.

  Before she got two steps, she heard the buzz of the door as it unlocked and ran to enter before Sam changed her mind. Please don’t screw this up twice in one night.

  The elevator opened in front of a single door. There was no hallway leading to other units. Jak tried to steady herself before knocking. You can do this. She rapped on the door, but there was no answer. The silence filled by her heart thumping against her ribcage. Would she let me in and just not answer the door? After a second, Jak knocked again.

  “Come in,” was yelled from the other side of the wall.

  The door gave way with the slightest turn. Opening up to a hall, a foyer filled with mirrors. The walls reflected her surroundings, stretching the small space into an everlasting enigma of possibilities. Both sides led to a mysterious uncharted territory, giving no indication of what lie beyond.

  “Sam?”

  “This way.”

  Her ears telling her to follow the voice to the right. She could already see the tile change to a tan, near white, carpet and gray textured walls. When Jaky reached the end, there was an open dining area connected to the living room. Floor to
ceiling windows overlooked the city. Couches matched the floor with a couple dark accents thrown in, standing lamps and an area rug. Guilt threatened to make her turn around, as her downcast eyes took in her dirty boots. Feeling remorse for just stepping on the carpet. This was so beyond anything she had ever seen. The room screamed class and money, at least compared to her hovel. People around here were simple, all about necessities. Based on her surroundings, Sam needed more than that.

  Jak stared out the window at the ants below. Maybe this was a mistake. How could I ever live up to these standards? She thought, feeling way over her head. Jaky turned on her heels, finally finding the blue eyes reflected in yet another mirror. How many are there? Sam was standing at a dry bar. Her face stuck in a perpetual state of change, marred by a range of emotions. Turning from anger, to shock and possibly a little concern.

  Take the chance, her heart screamed at her.

  “Sorry about the phone and the doorbell and leaving you.” Jak hung her head as the list lengthened. She would have done anything to get Sam to talk to her. Yet, looking back, it may not have aided in her attempt to mend their, yet to be determined, relationship. Feeling as if her endeavor, to convince Sam she was worthy as a prospective partner, was futile.

  Sam took a couple steps towards her and stopped abruptly. Her hand flying to her nose.

  “What happened? You’re filthy and smell like a garbage truck.”

  “Right, sorry about that too. By the time I thought to go home and shower I was halfway here. I wanted to explain, about before. Why I left.”

  Sam retreated, taking large steps away from her, arms warding off her odor.

  “Ok, well I don’t want to smell you. You’re covered in sweat, dirtying my rug and… is that soot on your face?”

  “Yeah.” Jak looked at her hands, then at the room. Her scrutiny ending on the near white furniture, “Maybe I should come back when I can actually sit down.”

  She took a tentative step towards the door but had to stop. Her body was weak, as she hadn’t drank enough fluids today or fully rehabbed. Involuntarily swaying, catching herself before she destroyed the rug. Taking a second to gather her strength. Hoping to hold herself upright long enough to leave this place with the slightest shred of dignity.

  “I’ll call you later. I hope…” She sighed, not knowing what to say. That you will want me back? We can forget all about this and try again. That wasn’t a possibility. Fire would forever be there. A mistress, waiting to call her away at a moment’s notice. She sighed, shoulders drooping so low she was sure they were on the floor, realizing there was only one thing left.

  “I hope you answer.”

  Sam couldn’t take it anymore. They hadn’t actually talked about anything and her apartment would take hours to air out.

  “No.” Jak was leaving. Every step took her further. How can you let her drive like that? Her conscience nagged. That woman can barely stand. If she leaves, the only way you will see her again is in a casket. “Stop.” The footsteps halted, but she didn’t turn. Didn’t dare to look in her direction. “You’re going the wrong way.”

  Her head snapped back. Looking in either direction, confused as to which way was out. It hit her that Jak didn’t understand. She thought she had gotten turned around. So delusional, she was lost in the apartment after a single turn. “You are not leaving here like that. Go get in the shower. I will lend you some clothes.”

  Skeptical eyes raked over her appearance, “I don’t think that would work on me.”

  Sam grabbed at the dirty hand.

  “Come on,” she said as she led the way towards the guest shower. All the while, trying to ignore how the rough hand felt against hers. The tingle, which started at the tip of her fingers, travelled up her arm. She wasn’t sure of the destination and didn’t know if she wanted to find out.

  The close quarters of the bathroom should have perked up her night, except being in a small space amplified the smell. There was no air. Suffocated by the nauseating odor. She retreated as quickly as possible, making sure to turn on the ceiling vent. Saving her from the smell and the contradicting emotions coursing through her.

  With the door closed between them, Sam went in search of some sweats and a shirt for Jak to put on. Thankfully, she knew there was a pair of baggy Pink sweats in her bottom drawer. She dug out a gym tank and trusted it would do. Bringing the outfit with her, back to her drink. Hoping for a little Dutch courage. A will to ignore the pitter patter of droplets as they fell from the showerhead onto Jak’s naked form. Each droplet chasing after the last, searching for a more bountiful crevice to explore. That image was not the solution to this predicament.

  What felt like only moments later, the door opened. Jak emerged from the steam and moved into her living room, the towel Sam pulled out wrapped tightly around her body. Swallowing her whiskey with a loud gulp. Sam grabbed the clothes and hustled to hand them over to Jak. Don’t do it. Stop looking at her! She ditched you just a few short hours ago. Her mind continued its rant about self-respect and how a proper woman would never allow someone to treat her so poorly. Jak reached for the clothing. Hands clutched at the items Sam had yet to release. Unable to force herself to relinquish them. To make her hands obey the simple command. Her heart skipped a beat when the intense gaze met hers. The jolt in her nether regions, at last, caused her to let go.

  Once dressed, Jak returned smelling of her Jasmine scented shampoo. She hadn’t anticipated how alluring it was to have her sent all over Jak’s skin. To lay claim to her body in such a subtle way.

  “You should sit. Do you want a drink?”

  Retreating as quickly as she could, rushing off in the direction of the bar. Hoping against hope to dash away these wanton thoughts.

  “Water would be wonderful.”

  Sam grabbed two. She wasn’t drunk but had more than her share for the night. Knowing a clear head would be needed if she was going to fight this attraction. Jak drank half the bottle before Sam sat on the couch beside her.

  Why don’t you have any other furniture in here? The living room was set up for show quality, not functionality. A fact that had eluded her until she needed a barrier, any distance between her and Jak.

  “Let’s have it. What is so important as to blow up my phone and repeatedly ring my condo at three in the morning?” Her mind conjured up cartoons about maniacal girl scouts continuously ringing her in an attempt to make quota. Immediately wondering how such a ridiculous thought would enter her mind in the first place. It must be her. A chemical reaction, hallucinations caused by the pheromones.

  “I should have explained sooner. I didn’t intend to leave you.”

  “What?” Sam asked with as much patience as she could muster, which wasn’t much. She is making me lose my mind. Her entire body vibrated from the carnal thoughts she couldn’t escape. Every movement made her want to attack. Like a lioness waiting for just the right moment to strike.

  “When my pager goes off, I am supposed to respond. I would’ve ignored it tonight, for you, but there was a chemical fire. I didn’t want anyone endangered because I didn’t show. I know you most likely won’t forgive me and I don’t blame you. You didn’t know what you were getting into with this,” Jak said holding up the pager.

  Her mouth opened to speak again, to give the speech she had rehearsed all the way here. The same one Jak desperately tried to remember when she stood half naked, just a few minutes ago, waiting for Sam to either release the clothes or rip off her towel. A hand stilled her lips before she could articulate anything she had been thinking or feeling. Hell, she had no idea what was going to come out of her mouth.

  Sam didn’t know what she was doing. Her body wasn’t responding to her brain. Abort! Abort! She scooted over until their knees touched. What do you think you’re doing? Sam couldn’t help but look at the wonderfully full lips and remember their taste. I didn’t tell you to do that! She couldn’t find an ounce of control. Her libido was running this show and there was nothing she could do to
stop it.

  Before she knew what was happening, Jak’s mouth was on hers. The feeling just as intense as it had been that first time in the parking lot. Would Jak’s touch ever cease to excite her? Sam responded, pushing back with all the passion she had been desperately fighting against. Jak’s intensity immediately matched her own. She felt hands everywhere, making her lose her grip on reality. The voltage traveling everywhere the fingers touched.

  How could she feel impossibly far away when they were so close? Sam sat on Jak’s lap and removed the shirt that threated to suffocate her. Hands took to her skin before the air could cool her burning body. Every touch, kiss, was agonizingly sweet. Fingers unhooked her bra with a flick, no small feat as it was a quad clasp. Jak sat back to marvel, take in her curves, but Sam was through being patient. The composed teacher a distant memory. She couldn’t wait another moment.

  She took Jak’s hands and forced them onto her breasts. Moaning as they took in every enormous detail. Normally Sam got tired of their admiration. Yes, they are boobs, can we move this along? However, Jak did more than admire. It was more of a massage, worshiping every inch of her. A spark flashed before her eyes as Jak took her nipple into her mouth. Lightning crashed on the sand during the raging storm. Her body didn’t know how to keep the waves at bay, responding to every electric touch. Jak’s hands ran down her stomach as Sam stood.

  The clasp to her pants practically unbuttoned itself. Jak’s dark eyes transfixed on her as they inched lower, taking her lacy bottoms with them. Revealing herself to the darkened clouds that threatened to swallow her whole. Sam sat astride Jak’s lap once more, loving the feel as rough skillful hands took to her delicate skin. Roaming over her naked body. She desired everything from Jak but wasn’t sure she could handle it all at once. Her head swam from the want building just beneath the surface. Impatience breaking her in an indescribable way. Excitement so blaringly strong, she fought for control over something she had never felt before. Sam lifted Jak’s chin to kiss her. Feeling the tongue that slipped into her mouth, the same moment fingers claimed her waiting nub. The action instantly propelled her mind into the abyss, moaning with every new sensation.