Volunteering Your Heart

by Lo'Ren A Mayler

  At last, she felt Sam relaxed into her arms.

  “I thought…well…I was sure once you heard who I was, who I am….” Damn. She dashed the tears away. She had fought so hard to keep them from spilling over. “That you would want me to leave and never come back. I have made so many mistakes in my life. I am only starting to understand that since I met you.”

  “Since you had…let’s call it misdirection in life, let me set the record straight. Any woman with no opinions of her own, no thoughts, is duller than a table lamp. You worked hard for your education with no support from family or friends, which is unbelievably brave. Unless you are secretly the youngest looking seventy-year-old woman in the world, you are not old. I find the image of you lounging around the house in sweats with your hair in a messy bun extremely alluring. I want to know the person you are when no one is around. The one that sneaks a snickers and binge watches Greys Anatomy.”

  “You say that now, but…”

  Jak stopped her, “No buts. That is exactly how I feel. You are extraordinary.”

  “You don’t know how you will feel in the future. That my baggage isn’t too much for you to handle.”

  “No one can. In this moment, I know exactly how I feel. What I want.”

  She felt like she was falling. There was no safety net, nothing to catch her. All her shields were thrown aside. In this moment, there was no one but her and it was terrifying. Could she believe any of it?

  “How? How can you be sure? I have been thrown away by so many people…a disappointment to the very end. What makes you think this will be different?”

  Jak kissed her in a way that melted her bones. Clearly, she was trying to make her feel it, the jolt she was feeling at that very second. A hand moved over Sam’s heart.

  “Can you feel that? The complete shock to your system every time we touch. Your kiss is explosive. I’ve never experienced anything like it.”

  “I do,” Sam said trying to catch her breath. “You’re right about that, I have never felt anything so intense.”

  “If you can’t believe my words yet…then believe how you feel when we are together. Believe in the undeniable electric force between us.”

  She looked into Jak’s eyes and could still feel the tingles that coursed through her body. She couldn’t resist reaching out, touching Jak as only she could. The proverbial carrot dangled just a few feet from her face. Refusing to hold back any of what she was feeling any longer. Taking a large bite from the carrot seemed as good a start as any.

  Jak noticed the change. Saw the storm in Sam’s eyes, the lightning flashing. Maybe that was where the shocks came from. She knew they were going right back to bed. At least this time she got to know a little about what made Sam tick, before they were too wrapped up in each other.

  Sam lay holding her lover. Knowing that she would never be the same again. Jak had left a mark on her, a branding on her soul. Forever altering her mind and body.

  With Jak’s slumber, the never-ending doubt was seeping back in. Causing her to question. Can it really last? Doesn’t a fire eventually extinguish?

  As I see you looking at me,

  I wonder what you see.

  Do you see the real me or,

  Do you see what everyone else sees?

  When you’re looking at me do you wonder,

  What I’m wondering?

  Are you feeling,

  What I’m feeling?

  When you’re looking at me,

  Do you love me for me or,

  Love me for who you see?

  When you’re looking at me,

  Do you know that I’m looking at you?

  Do you know that I love you?

  Her body was ready to rest, but her mind would not allow it. She couldn’t see it. It was a feeling. A need. Something she didn’t know how to describe. Can she trust it? Believe that Jak is looking at more than her appearance.

  Is it the image you seek or the woman in me?

  All the loving and leaving has taken pieces of me.

  When you finally see, will there be anything left of me?

  She felt the fire, that ever-present raw desire. Her body tightened in response, even before her mind could register that Jak had stirred. She laid her phone next to the bed and turned.

  “Hope I didn’t wake you. I couldn’t sleep.”

  “Maybe I can help with that.”

  The instant Jak touched her, her mind went blank. Her body was buzzing, humming. There was a time when she would have begged for her mind to race. For her thoughts to flow in a never-ending thread. Now she was thrilled when Jak took it away. Finally at peace within the thunderous vortex of her mind.

  XIX

  Refusing to leave the spot until Samantha returned. To ensure her safety, as he had been doing for months. He realized with a start that he had fallen asleep. How could you close your eyes at a time like this? His heart raced as he took in the light that peaked over the back of the building. Scanning the parking lot, he saw that both cars were still there. What time is it? How long have I been here? How long had the sun been up?

  Against his will, the car would need to be moved. It was light out and someone could see him waiting for Samantha. Anyone could get curious about the person sitting in a car where they did not live. Misinterpret his good notions. Make him out to be a common criminal, a villain.

  The vehicle was relocated down a block and parked on North Lawndale Avenue. It hit him that he didn’t know what day it was? He was losing track of time. Losing sleep. Guarding Samantha had become a fulltime job. When was the last time he worked? Were the bills paid? Is there school today? He finally gave in, pulling out his phone to find the answer.

  Of course, he did not plan on staying the night in the parking lot and the phone was dead. “Damn it,” he yelled as he threw the device in the back seat. Immediately admonishing himself for saying an obscenity. Think! He could listen to his pager but that would just tell him the date, not the day of the week. He could stay, wait Samantha out or go get a charger and breakfast. Was there money in the account? Adding the ATM to his list of stops. Maybe he could be back before she left. Did he want her to still be there when he got back? That would mean they were still together. Deciding to chance it because what other choice was there? Starve? He would be too weak to help her.

  He selected a route that passed the school, to know if it was a weekday. Will Samantha be leaving soon for work? Or was her day free to waste with that degenerate?

  Slowing as he passed the school. What he found was a packed parking lot. There were no students milling about the property. While he wasn’t sure of the time, he was positive that Samantha was already tardy. Late enough that they were already seated, awaiting the instruction that would never come.

  * * *

  Sam called in sick. There was no way she was leaving the sleeping form beside her. Too much time had already been wasted worrying about tomorrow. About a future even a soothsayer could not foretell. She was going to have to learn to take each day in stride. To allow her destiny to unfold naturally, without anyone else’s influence. Perhaps, learn a little patience along the way.

  Thank the heavens tomorrow was Saturday. She couldn’t bear the thought of being away from Jak so soon but didn’t want to run through all her sick time. Not wanting their love bubble to be broken. While her friends would be overjoyed at the reunion, she wasn’t prepared to share the story just yet. Too much was still up in the air. Last night was a start. A new beginning. They hadn’t made any plans. Set a date or talked about where to go from here.

  She was going to take Jak out on a proper date. It didn’t matter where they went or what they did, as long as Jak was beside her. She would prove she was standing by her word. It would be hard, controlling her natural reactions, to respond in an acceptable manor. For the first time in her life, she had to talk about herself. Not flirt or flaunt her body. Hopefully, Jak would understand there was a learning curve. Like anything, change took time.

  A
s long as she showed progress, she was optimistic, time would be on her side. That this foray into a real, adult, relationship would pay off.

  She looked at the chiseled jaw. The messy black curls. Following the outline of her jaw to a scar she desperately wanted to hear the story behind. Wanting to know what put the worry lines that creased her forehead. Sam yearned to know every scar, emotional and physical, as well as what caused them. To figure out what made Jak tick. How she got to be so understanding. She wanted to meet her mother. Surely a woman of substance, to have raised such a fine human being. Stopping herself before making the comparison between how one raised their children, how she was raised. Knowing, it would not end well.

  Doubling her focus on Jak. Her friends knew her as Jaklyn, the neighbor called her Jaky. What did she prefer? Understandably, she was proud of being a firefighter. Of her contributions to society. What had she ever accomplished, done to better the world? Stop comparing yourself. It isn’t a completion.

  There wasn’t a subject that didn’t lead her back to self-deprecation. To wondering who she would have, could have, been, if she came from a loving family. Wondering if a person, of her sort, even deserved a second chance. Was one, so far off the beaten path, capable of change?

  She often wondered if her life was any different from those around her. Didn’t everyone have something to overcome? Or was it just her? Was there such a thing as loving, happy, people? Her evidence was less than two feet away, lightly snoring. If Jak thought it was possible, she would too.

  * * *

  Didn’t they know he had a schedule to keep? That he had already been away too long. The moment he arrived home, he was assaulted with responsibilities. Clean the dishes. Bath his grandmother. Take out the trash. Then the visiting nurse showed up. A bitter woman that always sneered down her nose at him. Just as Grandmother did.

  This is what he got for stopping home. Nothing was done that needed doing. Instead, he was bossed around for hours. He would suggest a live-in aid, or the nurse to visit daily, if she could afford it. Instead they went through the same conversation every week. No, there is no change in her circumstances. No, she has not been doing anything against Doctor’s orders. Yes, he will call if there is a problem.

  He knew how to care for the old bat. How to administer her medications. Why did they nurse always feel the need to treat him like a five-year-old? Re-teaching the same procedures every week. This has been her predicament for years. He was fully aware of her limitations. Of what adverse reactions to keep a look out for. The side effects of each medication. How long he should wait before giving her morphine. Just leave already!

  XX

  Nothing could keep them apart. Jak was preparing for academy and no longer responded as a volunteer. She quit her job. Telling Sam that she had enough in the bank to not worry about taking two weeks off. Insisting they treat the time as a staycation.

  Leading up to her training, Jak wanted to give their relationship a real chance. Before they were forcibly separated. Communication would be limited to phone calls, as Jak could only come home on the weekends, for the next couple months. It was going to be a long cold winter in her big empty bed. The promise of Jak’s return in the spring was all that kept her sane.

  She drove Sam to work, went home, worked out, showered and was back to pick her up at the end of the day. They were inseparable. Yet in the back of her mind was the worm of truth. Telling her that the bliss was temporary. Jak would be working soon. Running towards the fire once again. Paid to respond in a much larger town. More buildings and people in danger, which meant more opportunities to be injured in the fight. Sam was going to worry every time she stepped out the door. Each day that Jak was on shift. Her heart clenched at the thought of losing Jak. Could she handle it? The potential threat. The constant state of concern.

  At least being paid meant Jak wouldn’t be running out on her last minute. Having a relationship with a pager was challenging, at best. She wanted to ceremoniously burn the offending device but was told it was company property and had to be returned, intact.

  They were supposed to go out to dinner, but neither seemed to be in a hurry to get dressed. No matter how many days Jak spent in Sam’s bed, there was always something new. Something surprising and tantalizingly sweet. There was never a time when Sam’s touch stopped driving her crazy. That spark, a need far beyond anything she thought could exist. She would lay spent, with Sam cuddled into her. The slight brush of a hand, the smell of her hair, the warmth radiating from her body. Jak didn’t know how to contain herself for something as simple as sleep. How could she possibly be expected to get dressed when life would cease to be as soon as she let go?

  It was finally happening. Sam was going to dinner with her. An actual meal with real conversation. No fire calls, no sidestepping personal questions and most of all no interruptions of any kind. She could sing, loudly and off key, but she didn’t care. She wanted to share her happiness with the world. To listen as the birds chirped along. The wind was playing the melody of her heart. Everything in her life was coming together and she wanted to celebrate.

  She pulled into Double A’s parking lot. It was a sports bar, but not like Hoops. Located on the outskirts of town, in a large unattached building. They had good drinks and more importantly, the best pizza in town. It was more of a family atmosphere, with a lot less drunks. The televisions were centrally located behind the bar, so if you sat in a circular booth, they were not intrusive to your night. She hoped, Sam would appreciate it the way she did.

  Tirelessly debating where she wanted to take Sam first. What experiences she wanted to share. Jaky couldn’t help but get excited to introduce her to the place she called home. Wanting to take her to The Tower in Peoria Heights, to experience a view that rivaled her own. For a walk along the scenic Grandview Drive. To see the animals at Grand Prairie Park was a must or the Peoria Zoo. All the hidden treasures that Jak knew would make her smile. There was so much to do and knowing Sam, she had not experienced any of it, yet. She was going to change that, once the winter chill broke. Make her see life could be fun and exciting. Make her laugh so hard she couldn’t breathe.

  All her thoughts, planned topics for the night, went out the window as she peeked into the bar. She was searching for a hostess and who does she spy sitting near the door, no other than Mike. She wasn’t surprised to see him. It was the fact that he was with a woman that had her floored.

  Then a thought came to her. She wanted to get out, have their relationship be more public. Attempt to share their experiences and their lives with one another. Introducing Sam to her best friend was a big part of that. Besides, who wouldn’t want to flaunt Sam on their arm?

  Since no one was manning the hostess stand anyway, Jak steered them towards the table. Practically holding her breath as she neared her friend. Worried that Sam would get upset. Argue that this was their time to get to know one another. She didn’t worry about her friend’s reaction. The truth was, Mike would never mind and she really wanted Sam to get to know him.

  “Hey what are you doing here? Who is your…”

  She turned to acknowledge the woman sitting across from him when her face went white. Oh god it couldn’t be. Jak racked her brain, trying to connect the dots. What was her name?

  “You remember Beth, right?”

  “Of course. How could I forget?” Truly an unforgettable night.

  “Sam it’s good to see you. I wasn’t aware you two were talking again. Last time I saw Jak she was moping around all lovesick.” Seriously? Was that necessary?

  If he was looking to get a rise out of her…he should know by now that Jak didn’t blush, she got even. Hopefully, she didn’t embarrass Beth in the process. Let’s hope she isn’t too squeamish, especially if she is out with Mike.

  “I don’t know. How did you two get together? Last time I saw Beth was when she was slapping you.”

  Sam was absorbed in the banter. Astonishingly, there was no malice in the remarks. It was more like friendl
y fire. Mike was very forthcoming with Jak’s state of mind while they were apart. If she wanted to know something embarrassing, this was, undoubtedly, the time to ask. Maybe he could shed some light on the woman that had consumed her every waking thought.

  She couldn’t fathom why his date would slap him; Mike had seemed nice enough when Sam was rejecting him. Polite. Understanding.

  “Oh, you want to know how I told her I’m not Special Ed.”

  The three of them looked to be about to burst, when they suddenly erupted with laughter. What had she missed?

  As Jak couldn’t catch her breath, Mike was the one to explain.

  “Sam, your girl here set me back months.”

  “Oh please, I saved your life that night,” Jak countered.

  “So, after I get slapped, Jak takes it upon herself to talk to Beth. I thought she was going to smooth things over or make a play for her. She had decided it was in everyone’s best interest to apologize for me. Evidently, the only explanation for my behavior is that I’m special.”

  Jak looked as if she was going to fall onto the floor.

  “Well I was trying to joke with her that he was dropped on his head, but I guess our wires got crossed. So, I went with it.”

  Sam waited for Beth to chime in, but she seemed just as entertained by the pair.

  “Beth and I ran into each other a few months ago while getting coffee. It took a while, but I finally convinced her I’m just stupid, not special.”

  “Tomato Tomahto. Still doesn’t explain why you didn’t tell me you’re dating someone. You couldn’t find the time to tell your best friend?”