by Aileen Erin
He muttered something.
I didn’t know what he’d said, but I understood cursing when I heard it. “Not only that, but most of the crystals I found on the moon were unharvestable. They were planning to mine that moon until it was all gone, and I think it’s safe to say that’s already happened. There are more places they could possibly start new mines, but for whatever reason nearly all of the crystals are volatile. Something on that moon has changed, maybe all of the mining changed the makeup of the crystals themselves?”
Lorne was still, and so quiet.
I played with my food while I talked. “I think I was there to draw you in, except only after the base was emptied of supplies. Then you show up, take me—or probably take my body because the way my job was going there, I wasn’t going to last much longer. I’d have killed myself before I put on that stupid suit again and—”
Lorne sucked in a big breath as his skin brightened. His tattoos lit along his skin, and he squeezed his eyes shut.
“Are you okay?”
“No, but finish. Please.”
“Umm…” I wasn’t even sure what I’d been saying.
He opened his eyes, and the glow dulled a little. “I’m just having a little trouble controlling my emotions. When you say that you would’ve killed yourself, it’s hard not to get upset.”
I opened and closed my mouth a couple of times before I found the words. “I don’t know why you’d care.” His glow brightened again with my words, and I knew I was messing this up. I just wasn’t understanding why.
He smiled at me, but it was filled with pain and heartache. “Please finish. I show up to find you dead and…”
I swallowed. “And you blow up the base. Which, as far as anyone in the universe would know, was SpaceTech’s only source of supplies. No one would know it was decommissioned and that anything of value had already been moved to the colonies. The Aunare would look bad when you blew it up because no one would know that the base would actually be empty.”
Lorne let out a breath. “It would be the rallying cry for all of our enemies to join forces to act against us, and then they could use whatever weapon they’ve built with full support of every known civilization.”
“Exactly, except you showed up early. The bays aren’t totally empty yet.”
“I’m not sure how that changes things. All of this tells me that I should take you and run before anyone sees us.”
I was pretty sure he was going to hate this, but I couldn’t stop myself. “I don’t want to leave the people who helped me, but going back is dangerous. I’d feel better if Declan could check in with Ahiga and make sure everyone is okay before we leave.”
“And if they’re not?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know that I can leave my friends behind if they’re in trouble. And if we’re sticking around, we should also try to get information about the new weapon they’ve been developing. And you might consider blowing up the base.”
“Even if I could do that—which I can’t—why would I do that?”
“Because I have a feeling that when I’m gone, SpaceTech will quickly empty all the remaining storage bays, blow it up, and blame you. Why not beat them to it? Why not make a dent in their resources?”
“Gods above.” He leaned back in his chair. “I can’t believe I’m actually considering any of this.”
Lorne stared off at nothing, but that gave me time to study his face. The way his long dark hair tucked behind his slightly pointed ears. The strong jaw line and full lips. His bright blue-green eyes.
I was staring at the poor guy. Mooning over him. It was so dumb.
And then he turned his eyes on me. The color… Why did they have to be that color? The one that made me feel so calm and at peace that I’d painted my room the same shade.
He raised a brow at me and my cheeks heated. He couldn’t know what I was thinking, but it felt like he might.
“I really need to know how you ended up here,” he said finally. “I can’t seem to focus on anything else. It’s driving me mad, and Declan wouldn’t tell me anything other than that I had to get here fast or you’d die.”
I didn’t know why Declan wasn’t telling Lorne, but maybe I could tell him a little bit without getting into the details. “It was my fault. We were going to come as planned, but I… I smashed his brother’s face in and popped his arm out of its socket.”
The grin on Lorne’s face made me feel hot all over. “You did, did you?”
“He deserved it, but I did it at work and then was arrested. It caused some complications. I—” I thought back on that morning at the diner. The feel of Jason’s hand… “He deserved it.” All humor in my voice was gone.
“What did he do to you?” He leaned across the table.
I shook my head slowly. There was zero chance of me telling Lorne about that. I didn’t even like thinking about it—how I was manhandled and manipulated—but talking about it? Not happening.
His hair fell a little in front of his face as he reached for my hand. “If Jason attacked you, I should’ve picked you up immediately. I could’ve gotten there just as easily as I got here. Even if you were in jail. I would’ve torn it apart to get you out.”
I slid my hand away from his. In that moment, I knew exactly why Declan hadn’t called him. “You can’t tear apart a jail just because I was arrested. The war—”
“Gods damn this bloody war!” He slammed his hand down on the table, rattling my plate. “How could you possibly believe that you could prevent a war that SpaceTech has wanted for the last twenty-five years? Nothing you could’ve ever done would’ve changed that. They were looking for a reason, and this time it was you. But it’s been other things before. And if this ploy didn’t work, another would have. It wasn’t worth your life. You were almost dead!”
My skin grew bright. “Almost doesn’t count!” I yelled it so loudly that my throat burned, but even as my words hung in the silence, I knew it was dumb. It sounded so incredibly dumb, even to me.
I couldn’t sit still anymore. I got up from my chair and paced to the wall. I needed to think. I just needed a second. I leaned against the cold stone wall, hoping to find the right words to have it all make sense to Lorne, but I wasn’t sure it would ever make sense to him. Maybe none of what I went through mattered, and that was a truly depressing thought. If it all could’ve been avoided so easily like he said, then I had nothing left to say.
When I turned around, I was a little calmer and a lot more resigned to the situation. “We made the best choices that we could make at the time. If anyone died because I wouldn’t take the risk? Because I was too scared to go to Abaddon and wait until Declan got here to quietly take me away?” I shook my head. “I couldn’t do that. I’m not worth that.”
“Yes, you are.” His chair scratched against the floor as he got up. “You’re worth everything.”
“No. I’m not better than anyone else.”
He came toward me, backing me into the wall. I didn’t consider myself a short person, but as he approached, I felt small. He was easily pushing seven feet tall, and that lean muscle held power under it.
I swallowed as I tried to push down the attraction and need I felt for him. It was too much—enough to consume me—and I wouldn’t be consumed. Not by anything.
He cupped the side of my neck, running his thumb across my racing pulse point. “You are everything to me.”
My mouth grew dry, and my heart was pounding. “Why?” I couldn’t assume anything about what I thought he meant. I had to know for sure.
There was a bell sound, and Lorne frowned as he stepped back from me. “That’s Declan.”
The distraction couldn’t have been better timed. It gave me a chance to get myself together. “Good. Let’s find out what to do now. Getting upset over the past won’t help us right now.”
“This is far from over.” He gave me a nod. “You stay and eat. I’ll talk to Declan.”
I didn’t breathe until he was gone. I slid down th
e wall to sit on the ground as soon as the door closed.
This wasn’t going to be easy. None of it was going to be easy. I felt lost and unsure of myself. I’d never felt that way, even when I was using fake names and hiding from SpaceTech. I wasn’t sure if my short time on Abaddon had broken me or if I would’ve always felt so turned around when I found my way back to the Aunare.
And yet, standing in front of Lorne, having him touch me like that, all I could think was that this was too much and that there was something I was forgetting. Something I wasn’t understanding. And if I could just remember it, then maybe I wouldn’t feel so lost anymore.
But I couldn’t deny that Lorne felt familiar. I trusted him. It was different—more than the usual click I got—and I didn’t think that was all because of the added attraction I felt for him. I wanted him like I’d wanted nothing else in the world. The kind of desire that made me feel like I was spinning out of control in zero gravity.
I leaned my head back against the wall and realized that there were giant pieces in my mind that were missing because of what my mother did. She’d never lied to me. I knew what was done—I’d agreed to it—but until that moment, having my mind wiped never bothered me.
It more than bothered me now.
From the way Lorne was reacting to me and the things he was saying and from the color of his eyes…
That color. I’d never seen the exact shade in someone’s eyes before. It couldn’t be a coincidence. Not when I’d also seen his face when I was in cryo and running on the treadmill and—if I was honest with myself—I was pretty sure I’d been dreaming of him off and on for years.
They were the kind of dreams that left me wishing I could fall back asleep, but I never could, and I never remembered what they were about. No matter how long I lay in my bed with my eyes closed, they would slip through my fingers, like trying to grasp fog. I’d spend the rest of the day homesick for the ghosts of my dreams.
As I sat there, trying to figure out what to do next, all I could feel was lost. Because they hadn’t been dreams. They were memories.
“Damn it, Mom. What did you do?”
Chapter Thirty-Nine
After my small freak-out, I went back to the table and shoveled food into my mouth as fast as I could. I was still feeling weak and a little woozy, but I figured eating had to help. A nap would be better, but I didn’t have time for that. Not yet. We were still way too close to SpaceTech. I wasn’t going to be able to relax enough to sleep until we were far, far away from here.
Once I was done, it didn’t take me long to find Lorne. All I had to do was follow the yelling to its source.
I wasn’t sure if the doors were locked, but I pressed my hand to the center like Lorne had at all the other doors, and it slid open.
The room was small, only slightly bigger than my barely-there living room in Albuquerque. Declan’s face took up the upper portion of the far wall. His head was hanging down as he spoke rapidly in a language I wished I could understand.
None of this was Declan’s fault, but guilt was written across his face. He was taking it all on himself.
Lorne prowled in front of the vidscreen. His movements were so fluid. I could nearly feel the power rippling inside of him, begging to break free. His skin was flickering, and I wondered what that meant. I was so frustratingly clueless of everything Aunare. My skin would grow bright when I was scared or stressed or emotional, but I didn’t know if that served some sort of purpose—other than being a full-body mood ring.
There was a long, narrow desk built into the floor in the middle of the room, nearly cutting the room in half. A captain’s chair was pushed about a meter back from the desk. The walls were all the same smooth beige stone-like material. Aside from the desk and chair, the room was empty. This had to be the bridge of the ship, but there were no buttons or switches or blinking lights. Where were the ship’s controls?
Something Declan said must’ve pissed off Lorne because he spun—facing Declan—his voice fierce as he spoke the lilting and sibilant Aunare words. A harsh fricative cut in, and I wondered if he was cursing.
I wasn’t sure what they were arguing about, but there was a very good possibility that it had to do with me.
Lorne said my name, and I corrected my thoughts. This was absolutely to do with me.
“Hey,” I said, trying to get their attention, but when they kept going, I said it louder.
Nothing.
I stuck two fingers into my mouth and whistled. That shut them up. “What’s going on?”
“Your color is better, but how’re you feeling?” Declan asked. His gaze kept traveling over me like he couldn’t believe I was standing there.
“Better.” I let out a breath. “Not a hundred percent, but I don’t feel like I’m going to fall over anymore. The food helped.”
His smile was sad and aching. “That’s good,” he said.
Lorne looked between Declan and me, and then he shoved his hands into his pockets. His shoulders hunched for a second and I couldn’t tell if he was tired or disappointed, but I didn’t like either if I was the cause of it.
“What’s the plan? We’re so close to SpaceTech, and I’m worried about Ahiga and the others. I know Lorne wanted to run a test on me, but…but if we’re going to do anything, then I want to do that now and get the hell out of here before anything else can go wrong.”
“That’s what we’re arguing about,” Declan said. His gaze darted to Lorne for a second, but then came back to me.
Why was he staring at me like that?
“Well then maybe I can be a tiebreaker.” I stepped in front of the desk to stand beside Lorne. If there was a choice to be made, I wanted to be part of the decision process. “Who wants what?”
“Lorne doesn’t want you to go back to the planet, but I’m still far away. Ahiga’s worried about what Jason might do once he realizes that Lorne has you, and he can’t find Audrey or Tyler.”
“That’s not good.”
“I know. I have a really bad feeling about it. Ystak said something while you were mining that set me off, too. I’m pretty sure he knew I was listening. I…”
He was quiet, and I knew I wasn’t going to like whatever he said next. The look on his face as he scrunched his eyebrows together said he felt pity for me and guilt and I hated both of those things.
“What? Just say it.”
He gave me one small, slow nod before speaking. “While you were in the healing pod, I searched through the records again for recordings and found more. A lot more. They were in the classified folders, and the ones with you and Audrey in the med—”
“No! No. There were no cameras in—”
“They were there. Hidden. So small I’m sure you’d never find them unless you knew where to look.”
Revulsion made me stumble to the side, away from Lorne, until I hit the wall. It felt like a real, physical kick in the stomach, and I was so angry that I was finding it nearly impossible to breathe.
Lorne took a step toward me, but I held out a hand to stop him. I didn’t want comforting. I didn’t want someone to tell me it was okay. Because it wasn’t okay.
“Please, he didn’t—please tell me he wasn’t watching me.” I hated the hint of whine in my voice, but I couldn’t stop it. It was bad enough knowing that he’d been watching while I was in the suits, but the stuff in the med bay was private. It was private. I’d been weak and vulnerable and in pain and sometimes mostly naked.
“I think he’s played us, and—”
I gasped in air. “Me. He played me. If he was watching the whole time, then he knew about everything. About the test. About my plan to switch to mining. He knew it all.” I never even considered that he could’ve been watching me when I’d been told those areas were off limits, but I should’ve realized.
With a couple exceptions, I never ran into any officers on the base. Aside from someone messing with my suits, I wasn’t aware of Jason or any of his accomplices actively coming after me. No one got
in my face. No one bothered me. No one physically attacked me. It’d been so unbelievably easy to focus on surviving my stupid job instead of thinking one step ahead of Jason’s plans. I’d completely ignored the bigger picture.
I covered my face with my hands.
“How could you let this happen?” Lorne’s words were pure ice, but for the first time, I agreed with him. This had all been one terrible mistake after another.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get the sound of you screaming out of my head.” Declan ignored Lorne entirely.
I dropped my hands from my face. Declan’s face was pale and his eyes were wide. That was why his gaze kept darting to me. “You didn’t.” If he watched those videos, I didn’t know what I was going to do.
“I had to.” Pity. It was pity on his face now.
I didn’t want his pity. I didn’t need that.
“You screamed for hours and hours in that room. And the burns. The first vid file I found from the med bay—the day your shoes melted to your feet—that had been horrible, but it got so much worse. Your skin. The way your lungs rattled the third time you were in there. I had to watch it on fast forward. I couldn’t stand it. You were dead for a minute and thirty-seven seconds and—”
There was a flash of brightness in the room and I glanced at Lorne.
His eyes were closed as he leaned back against the desk. His hands gripped the edge so tightly his knuckles turned white.
I stepped toward him, but he shook his head without looking up.
“I just need a second.” Lorne’s voice was strained. “Please. Just a second.”
Declan said something softly, but Lorne cut him off with a single, sharp word.
The sleeves of Lorne’s shirt were pushed up above his elbows. His muscles were corded as he held onto the table and I wanted to touch his bright skin. The tattoos ran up his arms, and I knew they probably covered most of his upper body, but I couldn’t see them all.