Off Planet

by Aileen Erin

  This time was different.

  If I was alive, then that meant I had light-years to go. Light-years upon light-years to go before I could ever be free again, and I wanted to be back in that bright, warm, safe place. I wanted it like nothing I’d wanted before.

  And as I lay there silently listening to my mother murmur to my father in hushed conversations, I knew I should be thankful to be alive, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t sure I had the strength left to survive much more.

  Living on Earth had been a daily struggle. Sometimes the fear threatened to swallow me whole. Eventually, I’d gotten used to it. Dealing with fear was essential to surviving. But Jason’s assault and Abaddon and Apollyon changed things. It changed me. Even as I was going through it, I didn’t realize how much worse it’d been than the years and years of terror I’d already lived through.

  The pain of slowly dying over and over had whittled away the little bit of myself I had left.

  I didn’t think I’d ever not smell sulfur on me or feel the heat of the boots burning into my feet or hear the crackle of my skin burning.

  I was empty. Done.

  That made me a coward—and I hated it—but I was so tired, so incredibly exhausted and bone weary, that I wasn’t sure I cared about being brave anymore. I just wanted to fade away, back into that calm, warm place filled with peace.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping that no one would notice that I was awake.

  Dying on the ship had felt like a nice end to all the fear and pain and millions and millions of lies I’d told everyone. Giving my life so that my friends could make it to safety? That felt like a good, decent way to end my short, miserable life.

  I held my breath until I couldn’t hold it anymore. I was so scared that if I breathed, that I’d cry. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to give into the sob crawling its way up my throat, but I wasn’t sure I could stop it.

  I held the air inside me until my lungs burned. Until my body fought for life. And then the sob slipped free.

  All the little whispered conversations stopped.

  I kept my eyes tightly shut and rolled over in the bed, hiding my face. I felt my mother’s hand on my back as she told me it was okay. But it wasn’t. It wasn’t okay.

  Being awake meant that I was going to have to figure out how to be Aunare enough for them to accept me.

  Being awake meant that I was going to have to face war and bloodshed and all the horrors that came with it.

  Being awake meant that I was going to have to fight for my freedom again in an entirely new way, and I wasn’t sure I had it in me to figure out a new way to be me.

  “Are you in pain?” my mother asked. Her worry was thick in her voice.

  “No.” Not the kind she meant.

  “What’s the matter then?”

  “I…” I couldn’t say it. I opened my eyes and saw Lorne sitting in a chair beside my bed. He was wearing a pair of dark gray pants and a shirt that had three buttons at the top. The long sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, revealing the tattoos around his forearms. His skin was glowing with a golden aura, bright enough to light the whole room.

  His face was so carefully blank as he watched me. No judgment there. No pressures to be something that I wasn’t. He just watched in that quiet way he had. So different from the man who had caged me in his captain’s chair. Different from the one that pressed his forehead against mine, knowing what I was asking of him, but willing to do it anyway.

  Him, I could tell. Not anyone else.

  He didn’t move as I cried. He never tried to comfort me. He just watched me, waiting. For what, I didn’t know. But he sat in the chair beside my bed.

  I wasn’t sure where we were or what was going on. All I knew was that I was alive. When… “I was ready to die.”

  Lorne moved then. Not much. Just closed his eyes. My mother blocked him from view as she quickly moved around the bed and lay down beside me, wiping tears from my face.

  “No, mija. You’re fine. You didn’t die.”

  She didn’t understand.

  I sat up, needing to see Lorne. To know if he knew what I meant. When I met his gaze again, his eyes were open, dark blue-green calling to me.

  He let out a long, slow breath, and I knew. He knew exactly what I meant.

  He got up and walked away.

  The swoosh of the door sliding open made my heart ache. Stupid. I was so stupid to think Lorne would get it. That he’d understand. He didn’t know me. My own mother didn’t get it. Maybe Roan… Maybe Roan would understand.

  The bed I was in was big, but not big enough to scoot away from my mother without upsetting her. There were chairs on either side, but I wasn’t sure if someone had brought those from another place in the room or from somewhere else. I looked back at the one Lorne had been sitting in, a red blanket was thrown over the back, and a pillow was crunched against the side, and I wondered if he’d been sleeping in it. But he was gone.

  He was gone now.

  I pulled my knees into my chest and rested my head on them to hide my seemingly endless stream of tears. I wondered how I could ask for Roan without pissing off my mother. She’d be hurt that I wasn’t confiding in her, but her constant stream of questions was making this so much worse.

  “Everyone leave.” Lorne’s voice cut through the whispers and my mom’s pleading tone as she stroked my hair, and the thick, swirling emotions threatening to drown me. “Give us a moment. Please.” The please felt tacked on at the end like he’d only just remembered to be polite.

  I lifted my head, and he was there. At the foot of the bed. Watching me. And just like that, the tears stopped.

  Declan started to object, but Lorne’s glow flashed painfully bright and the look he gave Declan—like he would slit Declan’s throat if he could and be happy doing it—I never wanted to be on the receiving end of a look like that. Not from anyone.

  “You don’t want me to go, do you?” Mom’s face was full of concern and worry, which was nice, but I did want her to go. There was just no way I’d ever be able to tell her that though. So I took the coward’s way out. I looked at Lorne.

  “Please, Liz. I need a moment alone with her.” His gaze stayed glued to mine as he spoke to my mom.

  “Now?” Declan spat the word. “She just woke up from a coma, and you’re picking now to talk to her. Can’t you just give her—?”

  “No. I can’t just. Leave now,” Lorne said, without even looking at Declan.

  Declan looked like he wanted to punch Lorne, but my father pulled him away.

  My father. This was a hell of a first impression, but I couldn’t help myself. He was watching Lorne and me very carefully, and then he said something in Aunare. Lorne whispered something back.

  Ha shalshasa ni meha.

  The words felt important. They echoed in my mind.

  Ha shalshasa ni meha.

  Ha shalshasa ni meha.

  I didn’t know what that meant, but it seemed to simultaneously piss off Declan while my father nodded slowly and stepped back.

  “Come, Elizabeth. She’ll be okay. Lorne will come get us in a moment.”

  I wanted to laugh as my mother nodded. She was giving up that easily?

  What the hell did ha shalshasa ni meha mean? Because if that’s all I needed to say to get everyone to back off, it was now my new favorite phrase.

  Everyone left without another word, leaving me alone with Lorne.

  It was quiet with them gone. Too quiet. I’d wanted them to leave, but now I felt more empty and alone, and I wasn’t sure what to say to Lorne. The silent space between us felt like a chasm, one I had no idea how to cross. So instead I finally looked at where I was.

  The room was pretty large. It could’ve fit our old Albuquerque apartment in here. There was a sitting area next to some windows, and it looked like there were spots where two armchairs would fit nicely. Thick curtains covered the windows, blocking out whatever was beyond them.

  The only light in the room was coming from th
e lamps on either side of the bed, the massive chandelier hanging from the ceiling, and Lorne. His glow was still so bright, I wasn’t sure I needed any other lights in the room.

  I dried my face. It felt like I could breathe again. “Thanks.” It wasn’t much, but that was all I could manage.

  “Hmm,” Lorne said as he sat on the foot of my bed, keeping his gaze glued to mine. “I don’t think you’re going to be thanking me at the end of this.”

  I wiped my hands on the sheets, suddenly ashamed of everything I was feeling. “I bet you’re pretty mad at me.” He’d said he would never lie to me, but that’s exactly what I’d done to him. I’d lied. And with what I’d said after waking up, he knew it.

  “Mad doesn’t even begin to describe what I’m feeling right now.” His voice was filled with heat, and I knew I had to fix this somehow. “You knew you were going to die?”

  “I didn’t know for sure, but…” I nodded. Lorne cleared the room—saved me from all the questions and fretting from my mother—which meant I owed him the truth. “I hadn’t felt pain like that before, and after the last few weeks, I pretty much knew what it was like to come close to death. But I…”

  I didn’t know how to make him understand, but I couldn’t take the emotionless look on his face as he waited for me to finish. I wanted to tell him to scream at me. To show me what he was feeling. But he was back to the quiet Lorne.

  I hoped that being honest with him might help him understand. “I just didn’t want to be caught. They were so close, and if SpaceTech had me, they would’ve given me nanos only to torture me again. I’d had enough of that. And maybe I could’ve held on until my father bargained for me, but maybe not. In the meantime, you would’ve been caught, along with Declan and Audrey and everyone else. That couldn’t happen. So I chose the lesser evil. I wasn’t sure I would die, but I wasn’t really sure I’d live either.”

  “Okay,” he said the word, and I knew that he didn’t mean it. His voice was too cold and flat and his face… I wasn’t sure how he could keep it so blank.

  The hope that he would understand and forgive me died. “What happened?”

  I wouldn’t have known that whatever he was going to say was upsetting to him if I hadn’t noticed the short breath he took and the swallow, as if he was pushing down his emotions to keep his calm mask over his face.

  “You stopped breathing in my arms as I was running with you to your father’s ship. The doctor was there at the door waiting for us. He kept you from dying until we got you into their healing chamber. You’ve been out for a week. At first, they thought you might be a vegetable, but—”

  “But I’m okay.” I was speaking clearly, and even if I hadn’t stood up yet, I could wiggle my toes. I knew all I had to do was try to stand and I would.

  “Yes. Physically, you’re fine. You’ll be a little weak at first, but you’ll get that back with a little work. Exercise should help everything get a little clearer for you.”

  He barely knew me, but he could see through me. When I woke up, I’d needed that. I’d needed his help. But now, I wasn’t sure I liked being transparent at all. “How did you know?”

  He raised an eyebrow. “How did I know what?”

  “What I meant when I woke up? To send everyone away? How did you know? You were going to leave, but you stopped…” I should’ve been embarrassed asking him that, but I didn’t care. I wanted to know.

  “I wasn’t leaving.” He was quiet for a long minute. We just sat there staring at each other as I waited for him to answer. Finally, he shook his head. “Ask me again when you’re not feeling so raw. Until then, let’s just say I have excellent gut instincts, especially when it comes to you.”

  “Is that an Aunare thing?” Because the click I felt with some people could be called a gut instinct.

  “Yes, and before you ask me anything else, I have to tell you that there are a number of things you should be worrying about. Like where you are? What’s been happening while you were asleep? And the war?”

  I almost laughed at his words. I’d said nearly the same kind of thing to him in the kitchen of his little ship when I wanted to distract him from asking more personal questions. “Okay. I’ll play. Where am I? What happened? What’s the deal with the war?”

  He got up and moved to the chair beside my bed, scooting it closer to me. He leaned forward, his elbows on his thighs as he spoke. “You are on Sel’Ani. Specifically, in your father’s house. I’ve also lived here with him for the last seven years, so it’s become my home, too.”

  Interesting. I didn’t know what to think about that, so I put it away. I slid out from under the covers to face him fully.

  “While you were out of it, I spent a little time with the people we picked up from Abaddon and from the Naustlic System. Your father was right. Roan is interesting, and I was surprised how much I like him.”

  I laughed. “He’s my speedy teddy bear. Whenever I was really scared or afraid or life was really shitty, he was always there to make it easier. He has this amazing ability to make anything fun.”

  He leaned back in the chair and gave me a sad smile. “Then I guess I owe him a great deal.” He paused. “I quite like Ahiga, too. I’ve met him briefly a few times before, but I seem to see eye to eye with him on most things. He feels truly terrible that he wasn’t able to do more for you.”

  I shook my head. “It wasn’t his fault.”

  “No. No, it wasn’t.”

  I didn’t like the way he said that, with a hint of threat. “It wasn’t Declan’s either.”

  He raised a brow. “I’ll agree to disagree on that one.”

  I wasn’t sure there was anything I could say to change his mind. “Okay.” I sighed. “How’s Audrey?”

  He nodded, as if glad to be done with the topic of Declan. “She was given some poison, but she’s okay. Thankfully, SpaceTech is still in the testing phase for their newest weapon. A few modifications to the formula and Audrey might not have been so lucky.” He said the last quickly before I could worry.

  “The weapon? You found out more about it?”

  “Yes. It’s bio in nature. They’ve turned their lucole into a powder, and it won’t be good for anyone with Aunare blood if it’s released.” He took a long, steadying breath. “We’ve been busy with our allies. The next few weeks will be interesting, but war is imminent. We finally all agree on that count. The videos of you on Abaddon—”

  “No.” I wasn’t talking about those videos. I hated—hated—that parts had been released when we were racing from SpaceTech, but I understood. “Please tell me you didn’t release more of them.”

  “We did.” This time he couldn’t keep the emotion from his face.

  He was guilty, but not sorry. The way he never looked away from my gaze told me that. “Our allies asked to see more before deciding to go to war. So I went through all the recordings, showed them enough, and Declan, Ahiga, and I spoke on your behalf. We also exposed our side of what was dubbed Liberation Week on Earth. Your mother spoke of the suffering of the Aunare and halfers across the colonies.”

  “You went through all of them?” My voice cracked at the end, but I couldn’t help it. I already felt stripped bare with him. If he’d seen those videos, I wasn’t sure I could ever feel anything but exposed around him. I stared at the sheets, unable to look at him.

  “Declan said you have nothing to be ashamed of, and in this, I agree. You don’t look weak. I wish you could see them like I—”

  I glanced back at him. “No. I’m never watching them. I lived through it.” That alone was enough to give me nightmares forever.

  I hated that everyone knew what Jason had done to me in that diner. Everyone in the known universe got to hear me begging to die as the nanos worked their way through my system. They’d seen me afraid and alone and at my most vulnerable.

  It’d been bad enough that I’d shown him any of it while on his ship, but now he’d seen everything.

  “Stop.” Lorne’s sharp tone cut throug
h my thoughts like he could read my mind plain as day. “Your suffering rallied our allies. If that upsets you, try to remember that having our allies back us in this war will only strengthen us when we take down SpaceTech.”

  I swallowed down my embarrassment. “You watched them. That’s why you understood what I meant?”

  “No. That’s not how I knew.” I wanted to ask more questions, but he kept talking. “All of your friends from Abaddon have been what I believe you call under house arrest, but they should be cleared soon.”

  He didn’t want to talk about it—maybe he was still mad about my lie—so I let it go. “Can I see them?”

  “You may, yes, but you’ll face media as soon as you leave here. Are you ready for that?”

  The idea of facing cameras or talking to anyone about what happened was so far beyond anything that I could even begin to think about.

  “I thought as much.” He crossed his arms. “Your friends are anxious to hear from you, but they can wait until you’re ready or they’re cleared to come here.”

  I wanted to ask how long that would be, but it didn’t really matter. I wasn’t leaving here. Not for a while. I glanced at the door.

  “I know it seemed like your father left this room easily, but he’s barely left your side.”

  I wasn’t sure what to think about my father. I figured that Lorne must be close with him if he’d lived under my father’s roof for the last seven years, but I wasn’t even sure what to say to him or where to start. So I pushed that subject away, too.

  Even if talking to Lorne had helped, there was someone else I needed. “Where’s Roan?” He’d better not be under house arrest, too. For him, I might brave the media.

  “Training on the grounds here, but on his way. I sent someone to fetch him when you woke up crying.”

  “That’s why you got up?”

  Lorne nodded.

  “How did you know?” Lorne saw too much, and I didn’t understand how.

  “Roan said you told him almost immediately who and what you were.”