What Happens When

by Samantha Boyette

  “Hey there,” says a honey-warm voice.

  I have almost enough time to be amused by the shocked expressions on the faces around me before I pull free and turn to feel the floor drop out from under me. Lily stands there, smiling widely at me. She’s as beautiful as I remember, and my heart skips a little. Today she’s wearing a loose, flowing tank top over skinny jeans and flip-flops. If she’s wearing makeup, you can’t tell. Nothing about her says lesbian, while I’m feeling like I’ve got it written across my forehead.

  Carmen lets out a disgusted sound. “I can’t even.” She shakes her head and walks away.

  Without thinking, I do the same. I almost run to the nearest bathroom.

  The room is blessedly empty and I slip into the first stall. My heart feels like it might bang through my chest at any moment. Lily is here, in my school. I was not prepared for that. She hugged me like she thought we were in a relationship. What the hell was that about? I feel like I might pass out. My head is swimming with heat. I hear the bathroom door open and pray it’s no one I know.

  “Molly?” Crap, maybe God really does hate lesbians, because he definitely didn’t answer that prayer. Lily is in the bathroom. “Can we talk?”

  I take a deep breath and step out of the stall. I’m sure my face must be fire red, but she says nothing as I step up to the sink and splash cold water on it. The homeroom bell rings, but neither of us move.

  “I’m sorry,” she says finally. She has a messenger bag hung across her chest, and she’s clinging to the strap like it’s a life raft. I wish I hadn’t already put my bag in my locker.

  “Okay.” I don’t know what else to say. She just girlfriended up to me right in front of Carmen. If there was any chance of Carmen getting over her freak-out, it’s gone now.

  Lily bites her lip, and God help me, I want to cross the space between us and kiss her right there in the bathroom, but I can’t do that. I don’t even really know her and I can’t have a girlfriend and walk the halls holding her hand and take her to prom. No freaking way. I just want things to go back to how they were two weeks ago.

  “What are you doing here?” The words are out of my mouth before I can think them through or do anything to soften the tone of accusation. I can see by her expression that the words stung.

  “I transferred.” She looks away, studying the mass of graffiti on the wall. “I told you I hated that school. People were awful after they found out I was gay. That night at the party, everyone was so cool about us that I thought it would be easier here. And you were here.”

  I know I should hug her, pull her close and be thankful this beautiful girl counted me as a reason to switch schools, but I just can’t. I should also probably warn her that kids here aren’t going to be any nicer than the ones she went to school with before. I have a brief memory of us sitting by the fire, snuggled close under a blanket holding hands and no one blinking an eye, but it’s gone as soon as I latch on to it.

  “I’m not gay,” I say, but it tastes like a lie and she sees right through it.

  “You mean you don’t want to be with me. You don’t want to be gay with me.”

  Now I’m gripping the edge of the sink so hard with one hand that it feels like the only thing holding me up. “I can’t be your girlfriend.” She nods, not meeting my eyes. I know she’s about to cry. I can’t stick around for that. I push away from the sink and walk past her. I pause at the door, not turning around. When I speak, I hope she hears me because it’s little more than a whisper. “I mean, I don’t want to be gay.”

  Chapter Four

  The day is torture. Carmen won’t say a word to me, and for some reason Ashley Cervoni has taken her under her wing. I know it has to have something to do with me because we were never people Ashley gave a moment to until all this. Carmen has to be loving it. She always wanted to worm her way into that group. My face burns every time I hear someone whispering as I pass. Even if I can’t hear what they are saying, I know they’re talking about me. I swear every girl in school is giving me this half-scared look while the guys just leer.

  I can’t help but feel relieved as I head to the first day of cross-country practice. I should have known better. As soon as I step into the changing room, Carmen, Ashley, and a few other girls are there. I stop short, hand still on the door.

  “No lesbians allowed.” Carmen crosses her arms and cocks one hip, already dressed for a run.

  “Funny.” I try to push past. They block my way.

  “No one wants you here watching them. It’s uncomfortable. Don’t make this hard.”

  “I’m just here to run.” I manage to push past them, but they follow me, crowding close as I drop my bag and pull my clothes out.

  “I said we don’t want you here.” Carmen snatches up my shorts and tosses them to one of the other girls. Ashley grabs my T-shirt. I look around at the mass of girls in the room. Half of them are pretending not to notice what is going on, the rest are smirking as they watch. It’s so obvious no one is going to defend me that I feel tears threatening.

  “Give them back.” I reach for my shorts, but the girl passes them back to Carmen. I reach for Carmen, grabbing her arm. She lets out a squeal and pulls away like I’ve burned her. She throws the shorts to someone else.

  “Keep your grabby lesbian hands off me.” Carmen wipes her arm like I’ve left germs on it, then covers her chest with both arms. “Oh my God, are you looking at my boobs?”

  “What? No.” I wasn’t, but I can’t help but flush at the suggestion, which of course makes me look guilty.

  “You are so gross.” Carmen steps back, like I might lunge and grab her. “I’m telling coach that I’ll quit if I have to change with you.”

  Ashley and a handful of the other girls agree they’ll do the same. It’s too much. I could have handled Carmen and a few girls, but it’s almost half the team.

  I ignore the small cheer as I leave. I don’t even bother going to talk to Coach Leston. I know she’ll tell me to stay, but I can’t handle that scene in the changing room every day and changing somewhere else would be even worse. Instead, I push through the front door and into the crisp, sunny afternoon. Only then do I realize I’ve already missed the bus home. I pause only a moment before heading to the only place that seems to make sense.

  I step inside the Village Diner and take a deep breath. Fried food, sugary pies, and the hint of stale smoke from when you could still smoke inside fills my lungs. The place is a crowded, cramped restaurant that takes up a double corner space in one of the old brick buildings on Main Street. It’s been here since the fifties, and most of its regulars have as well. The dining room itself only has room to fit about fifty people and it’s full on any given night.

  This has been my family’s getaway for as long as I can remember. When Dad was moving out, we ate here more nights than not. When any of us have a bad day, we come here. It’s such a habit that I barely thought about where I could go until practice was over. Just the smell of the place seems to lift a cold weight from my chest.

  There are only a dozen or so people in at this time, so I have no trouble finding a place at the counter. I smile when Lucy sets an orange soda down in front of me without even asking. She’s gotta be edging on seventy, with hair dyed red and a wide smile. She wears a button pinned to her apron that shows two smiling grandsons. Their names are Stevie and Matt and they are six and eight. I know Lucy better than I know my own grandma.

  “No cross-country today?” Lucy has a slight Eastern European accent and an easy smile.

  “Not doing it this year.”

  She frowns, the same reaction I’m sure to get from Mom. “No? How come?” I shrug. “Everything okay?” The care in her voice tugs at my heart.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. I just don’t like some of the girls who are doing it this year.” That’s an understatement, but she doesn’t press, only nods and accepts that answer.

  “Sweet potato fries?”

  “Please.”

  As she goes to put i
n the order and I pull out my book for English; might as well get the reading done while I wait. The book is 1984, and I’ve heard about it but never read it before. I’m only a few pages in when the fries arrive.

  “1984, huh?” I look up, surprised when it’s not Lucy I hear. For the second time that day, my heart seems to skip. The girl standing in front of me is beautiful, even in the sickly green apron all the waitresses wear. She has a mass of wavy dirty blond hair pulled up in a ponytail, but strands have fallen around her face. She has thick, perfectly arched eyebrows and a half-smile under penetrating hazel eyes.

  I swallow hard. So much for not being gay.

  It isn’t until she arches one of those eyebrows higher that I realize I’m staring at her like a creeper. “Yeah.” I shut the book and reach for the fries. “Just started it.” Channeling Captain Obvious over here.

  “You seemed pretty into it. I didn’t mean to scare you.” She leans on the counter, bringing her face within kissing distance of mine as she grabs the book. “I had to read this in my senior year.”

  “That’s why I’m reading it. Where did you go?”

  “I grew up in Johnson City.” When I look at her blankly, the half-smile turns full and I never want her to stop smiling. “It’s about three hours away.”

  “Oh.” I freeze for a moment, unsure what to say next and desperate to not look like a dweeb. “How come you moved here?”

  She flips through the book as she answers. “My uncle owns this place and I needed to get out of Dodge.”

  “You didn’t want to go to college?” I dredge a fry through some ketchup and pop it in my mouth, savoring the salty-sweet taste.

  “Nah.” She drops the book and stands straight. I want her to lean close again. “Not for me right now. I barely made it out of high school with my sanity intact, you know?”

  “Oh, I know.” Last year, I wouldn’t have known what she meant. It’s amazing what one bad day can do to your whole school outlook.

  She smirks and walks away. I watch from the corner of my eye as she takes food out to one of the booths that line the wall under the windows. Her legs look impossibly lean and tan in the skirt she wears. I’m pretty sure my legs never look like that.

  “How are the fries, kiddo?” Lucy asks, grabbing my soda and topping it off.

  “Good.”

  “I see you met Zia.”

  “Zia.” The name feels exotic as it rolls off my tongue. “How long has she been here?”

  “Maybe three months? She started just before summer. If your family visited us half as much in the summer as you do in the winter, you would have met her.” She winks and smiles at me. I nod and glance toward Zia. I hate to admit it, but if I’d known Zia was here I would have been stalking the place. “So what are you going to do with yourself without cross-country?”

  I shrug. I haven’t thought that far ahead. “I don’t know. Get a lot of homework done, I guess.”

  “The diner needs another part-time waitress if you are interested. Pay is not too good, but the tips make up for it.”

  My eyes had drifted to Zia again, but I turn back to Lucy, my mind already spinning out on the possibilities. Whole afternoons could be spent with Zia, whole Saturdays even. In a split second I can envision us becoming best friends, laughing as we close up, hanging out on our days off, slowly, warmly kissing after a night of deep conversation.

  “Yeah, that sounds good.” That sounds like heaven.

  Chapter Five

  “You got a job?” Mom stops serving casserole with the spoon full and hovering over the dish. Both Luke and Dan are eyeing it longingly. “And you quit cross-country?”

  “Yeah.” I put out my plate and Mom remembers what she was doing. She drops the glob of seven layer casserole to my plate, then serves everyone else.

  “At the diner?” Dan asks, holding a forkful of casserole ready to pop in his mouth. “How did that happen?”

  “I went there after school to wait for Mom after I ditched cross-country. Lucy said they were hiring and I figured I had the time. Tim, the manager, came out and talked to me for a few minutes, asked when I could work, and said I was hired. I start training tomorrow after school.”

  “Nice,” Luke says around a mouthful of food. “So you can buy us a car finally.”

  “Maybe.” It had crossed my mind after I was done fantasizing about my future relationship with Zia. “I can buy me a car at least.”

  “Whatever, as long as you share the love.”

  “But why did you quit cross-country?” Mom isn’t going to let this go. She doesn’t seem to like the idea of me having a job.

  “I wasn’t feeling it this year.”

  “Carmen is being a dick to her.” We all look at Luke. I kick him under the table. Trust him not to leave school at school. Mom and Dan just look shocked that Carmen and I are fighting.

  “Is this about what happened at that party?” Mom reaches across the table and puts her hand on mine. I squirm and pull free.

  “A little.” I push my food around the plate. “She pretty much hates me right now. So do some of the other girls on the team.”

  “Oh, honey.” Mom looks like she wants to reach for me again, but she holds back. “I’m sorry.” I shrug, studying my dinner. This is the last thing I want to talk about.

  “Carmen obviously isn’t a very good friend, then,” Dan says. “I think this job is a good thing, get you out of your own head and meeting new people.”

  I look up, almost smiling. “Thanks.” I could hug the guy, I really could, but we’re not exactly like that, no matter how long he’s been with Mom.

  “Can I have more?” Luke asks. Just like that, we’re back to normal family dinner.

  After dinner I sit in my room, trying to finish the math homework. It’s the only thing I didn’t get done at the diner. The class is going to be insanely hard and I’m already thinking of dropping it. My mind slips to Zia. She’d seemed psyched at the idea of me working there. I wondered if she would be training me the following afternoon.

  “What’s up, Mol?” Luke walks into my room, his phone emitting little beeps as he texts.

  “Could you knock?” I snap without turning around. I hear him pad back across the rug and rap on the door. “Go away.”

  He laughs and settles on the bed, making the old bedsprings creak. I turn to see him sprawled on his back looking at the glow-in-the-dark stars that cover my ceiling. This is my brother, all relaxed, all the time. I was not so gifted.

  “Did you really have to tell them about Carmen?” I drop my pencil into my math book.

  “They were going to ask what was going on eventually. I mean I doubt she’ll be coming for sleepovers anytime soon.” He’s got me there. “I just figured, rip the Band-Aid off now, right?”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “School was pretty shitty, huh?”

  I groan and stand up. A moment later I flop on the bed beside him, both of us with our feet on the ground, staring up at a plastic galaxy.

  “Beyond shitty.”

  “So Lily goes to our school now.”

  “Yup.”

  “You going to tap that?”

  “Luke!” I pick up my pillow and smack him in the face with it. He laughs, shoving it off and tucking it under his head. My face is burning with the idea. “No way.”

  “Why not? She’s hotter than I expected.”

  “I’m just not.” I can’t say the words out loud to him.

  “Okay.” He stands and stretches. “Did you read Animal Farm last year?”

  “Yeah, for Mrs. Botwin.”

  “Is it any good?”

  I think a minute. I remember the basics of the story. “Pretty good, actually. Are you reading it now?”

  “About to start. I got Mrs. Botwin for English. She hard?”

  “Not if you do the assignments.”

  “Cool.” He nods and runs a hand through his hair, messing it up even more. “Want to watch Black Mirror before bed? We still got a few e
pisodes to catch up on.”

  “Yeah, let me finish my math.”

  “All right.”

  He leaves me still lying on my bed. I glance over at the math book and dread fills me. Screw it, I’m going to drop the class. I roll over and stretch for my phone on the bedside table. I send a text to Luke, knowing he always has his phone on him.

  Me: I can’t have a girlfriend in school.

  Luke: So you want one though?

  Me: …yeah…

  Luke: So go for it. Fuck what everyone else says.

  Me: I wish I could.

  I’m ashamed because I know if Luke was the one in my position he’d have a boyfriend in a week and walk down the hall holding hands. He’d probably even make out with him between classes. He’s always been good at ignoring what other people think. Honestly, I think it’s half of what makes people like him; he’s an easy guy.

  I throw my arm over my eyes and try to imagine myself walking down the hallway holding hands with Lily. For some reason I can’t do it. Every time I try, I just see myself with Zia. Like there is a fraction of a chance that could ever happen.

  Chapter Six

  School is no better the second day. If anything, Carmen has more girls following her around. Luke invites me to sit with him and his friends at lunch, but that just seems pathetic so I avoid the cafeteria altogether. Lily doesn’t try to talk to me, but I notice with some surprise that she already seems to have a few friends. I overhear Carmen talking about her in history, and I know Lily can hear too, but it doesn’t seem to faze her.

  I push through the diner door and take a deep breath, letting the soothing smells wash away all the high school drama. I’ve decided this is going to be my safe zone. Here, school doesn’t happen and I haven’t lost my best friend.