What Happens When

by Samantha Boyette

  I don’t have the chance to act on those demands, though. When I look up at Lily, she leans in and presses her lips to mine.

  It’s even better than it was at the party. Maybe that’s because I’m not drunk and will actually remember every moment of this kiss. Her arm crosses my waist and squeezes my hip, sending tingles through my body. I lift my hand and put it to her neck, and the skin there is smooth as silk. For the first time in weeks, Zia isn’t on my mind. Instead, all I can think of is Lily. I never want the kiss to end.

  Of course it does, though, because by thinking about the fact that I’m not thinking about Zia, I am immediately thinking about her. I start to feel bad because as attractive as I find Lily, I still sort of wish she was Zia. I duck my head, breaking the kiss and trying to get it together. Lily rests her forehead against mine. She smells like mint and raspberries and I want to kiss her again. I want to pull her to the bed and do more than kiss, even though I’m not exactly sure what that will entail. Deep down, I know this makes me an asshole.

  “What are you thinking?” Lily is close enough that her words are breaths against my skin and I try unsuccessfully to fight a shiver.

  “That I’m an asshole.” I don’t think much about the words before they are already out.

  Lily lets out a small fluttery laugh. “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah.” I stand and step away, putting space between us and trying to shake off the urge to return to her. “I don’t think we should do this.”

  There is a long, hard silence behind me and I worry that I’ve hurt her. I was trying so hard not to hurt her. Is that all that can happen between two people no matter what?

  “Why not?” Lily finally asks. I turn to see her leaning against my desk, arms crossed over her chest tightly. She shrugs. “I mean, it seemed like you were into it. Were you not?” Her lips twitch side to side after the question.

  “Oh, I was.” I really, really was. “Just, you like me, right? Want to be a couple or whatever?”

  “Of course.” Lily’s whole face lights at the idea, and it’s official. I am the world’s biggest jackass.

  I sigh and move to sit on my bed. Immediately, I regret the decision, but it seems too awkward to stand up, so I just shift uncomfortably and cross my arms, mirroring Lily’s pose.

  “I’m still not ready for that.” I don’t mention how much Zia has to do with that. How much I feel like I’m cheating on her even though for all I know she is obliviously screwing Tyler this very second without a thought to me.

  “Is it because of Carmen?” Lily doesn’t look at me when she asks.

  “There are other reasons. I’m just not there yet. I know you’ve been loud and proud for a while now, but I’m still figuring it all out, figuring out what I want.” When Lily nods and looks at me I can’t help but see how pretty she is. How her eyes are dark pools that pull me in, how her hair hangs over one shoulder in dark curls I want to run my hands through. And that skin, perfectly tan and begging to be kissed.

  I look away, because thinking of all the things I do like about Lily is too much and I feel heat rising to my face as I try to figure out how I can be so hung up on Zia but still find Lily so alluring.

  “Then I think we should just be friends.” She bites her lip as if she wants to say more, but she only nods. “Yeah, that’s what we should do.”

  “Yeah.” I still can’t look at her, and the silence that fills the room between us seems to have a life of its own.

  Chapter Fifteen

  To Lily’s credit, she has no problem acting as if our killer make-out session never happened. I went to school the next day dreading the awkwardness of seeing her, but she only smiled and talked to me as if we hadn’t been getting hot and heavy barely twelve hours earlier.

  At first I was kinda annoyed at her for it, but then I realized it was for the best. I wouldn’t have wanted to go back to having no friends at all. Within days of that afternoon, Luke and Maria were dating, so the four of us became a tight group at school, sometimes joined by Gavin or Connor.

  The six of us go to the Queer Alliance meetings together, and it’s nice to feel like I belong again, even though I wouldn’t have spent any time with them during school last year. The meetings have a solid base of about twelve kids, with a few others who come and go.

  “All right, welcome, everyone.” Lily claps her hands at the beginning of a meeting. “We only have one new face today, so I’d like to welcome Dani Hollans.”

  I nod to Dani, wondering why she hasn’t shown up before. She’s one of those girls who everyone knew was gay practically from grade school. Her hair is short and rock star messy. She wears a lot of skinny jeans and flannels and has a collection of high-top Vans. Unlike some girls in school who also wear skate shoes, Dani actually skates and is damn good from what I’ve seen in the parking lot.

  There is a chorus of hellos and Dani smiles in return. She has an easy half-smile. “Hey, everyone. I’m glad I was finally able to come to one of these.”

  “I’m kinda surprised you haven’t been here yet,” Lily says. I fight a flash of jealousy, wondering just how well Lily knows her.

  “I wasn’t sure I really wanted to be involved.” Dani shrugs. I envy how comfortable she seems. “Then Ab—or, I mean Mick told me people here are cool. At first I thought this was just a ‘yay, a popular girl came out’ sort of club.” She glares at me as she says it.

  “Excuse me?” I raise an eyebrow. “In what world was anyone at this school excited that I came out?”

  “Well, no one started a club for me in seventh grade when you and your friends were writing ‘dyke’ on my locker with your MAC lipstick.”

  I can’t help but flush. I’d forgotten about that. “I never wrote that,” I mutter.

  Dani tilts her head. “Maybe not, but you sure as shit stood there.”

  “Language,” Mrs. Bianco says, more as a reflex than anything else.

  “I didn’t understand it all back then.” The excuse isn’t good enough, and I know it.

  “You mean you didn’t know you were gay. Good for you. Figuring it out later is probably better than having other people figure it out for you.”

  “You didn’t know you were gay back then?” Connor asks. He’s in his usual jacket and jeans.

  “Not really.”

  “Huh.” Connor nods, as if thinking it over. “I mean, I knew since I was little.”

  “I guess I had an idea.” Dani rolls her eyes. “But I certainly didn’t want everyone in middle school knowing. Those kids were evil.”

  “Well, wait. Why did you kiss Sophia Harmon at that birthday party, then?” I ask.

  Now it’s Dani’s turn to blush. “That was during truth or dare.”

  “No, not that, I mean after the game. That’s why everyone started saying you were gay, because you kissed her while the two of you waited for your mom to get you.”

  “Okay, fine,” Dani says. “Maybe I knew. The point is, everyone treated me like some monster.”

  “Oh, poor you.” I’m done feeling bad for her. “I’m sorry that me and my friends were jerks, but that was like six years ago. Also, if you haven’t noticed, those same girls have been pretty vile to me now too.”

  “Okay, this club isn’t about arguing over who is the biggest victim here,” Lily says. “Dani, we’re glad you’re here.”

  “Thanks for inviting me.”

  My head jerks at that. So she and Lily do know each other.

  As if he can read my mind, Luke leans over and whispers in my ear, “Great, you need to man up before Dani moves in on your woman.”

  I shoot him a look, hoping no one else heard. From the way Maria is smirking at me, I’m sure she heard. The two of them are sickeningly cute. He’s got his long arm around her tiny shoulders and she’s leaning into him like they’re connected at the hip.

  “Emma, are these meetings helping you feel any less confused?” Lily asks. Emma has been at every meeting.

  “I think so,” Emma says slowly. �
��I mean, I’m pretty sure I do like girls, but I’m not about to admit it or anything. No offense, Molly, but I don’t want everyone to treat me like they are you.”

  “Smart.” I sigh.

  “Not at all smart,” Dani says. “High school is only four short years of your life. If you think being with a girl would make you happy, then don’t waste time lying to yourself and everyone else.”

  “Do you have a girlfriend?” Emma asks. “I mean, if you’ve been out for years, is it like with Connor where everything is just great?”

  “I’ve had a couple girlfriends. Nothing serious. My family—” Dani hesitates. “Well, I live with my aunt and uncle, my parents died when I was little. There was a rough patch with them, but we’re okay now.”

  “I think my mom would die if I told her,” Emma says quietly.

  “I thought my dad would disown me,” Connor says. “But he didn’t. He’s a little bit of a redneck farm guy, but he took it real well from the first time my mom told him.”

  “You had your mom tell him?” Maria asks.

  “Yeah.” Connor looks embarrassed. “I was really terrified of how he would react.”

  “I get that.” Gavin nods. “I mean, if I had to tell my dad something like that I would be totally freaked out.”

  “It was hard to tell people,” Connor says. “But when I did, I felt like this giant weight had been lifted off me.” He looks at Emma. “So, just keep that in mind, I guess. Plus, once you tell, then people know and you know where you stand with them and you’re not sitting around imagining the worst all the time.”

  Emma nods. “I guess that makes sense. But there’s always going to be new people to tell, isn’t there?”

  Connor shrugs. “It gets easier.”

  “Or it doesn’t,” Mick says. Everyone looks that way. Today Mick isn’t wearing the makeup. Her hair is slicked back and she’s wearing a black button-up tucked into fitted khakis. It also looks like she’s wearing a binder because her chest is flat.

  “What do you mean by that?” Lily asks. “Being honest with yourself is amazing.”

  Mick snorts. “Yeah, with yourself, sure. Some friends? Okay. But letting the world know can be terrifying. Just dressing like this for a few days has shown me that.” She motions to her outfit. “My mom and dad are flipping their shit right now. Things at home suck. Some guy told me I can’t just pretend to be a dude. Ryan Davis told me I look hotter when I dress like a chick.” She shakes her head and her eyes are shining. I know this has to be hard for her, and suddenly it makes what Carmen is doing to me seem so basic and dumb. At least my family is on board with who I am.

  “You know you can crash at my place if you need to.” Dani extends a hand to Mick and she takes it, squeezing it hard.

  “Thanks, I know that. I mean, my parents aren’t going to kick me out. I don’t think. But my mom’s all worried about losing her little girl. She’s blaming the fact that I have two older brothers for me being confused. Dad, well he just barely looks at me.” She gives another little laugh. “At least my brothers are cool. Jordan texted me to tell me I could borrow any clothes he didn’t take to college with him and Zack apparently knocked up his girlfriend, so he’s coming home this weekend to drop that bomb and take some of the heat off me.”

  I snorted a laugh. “That’s amazing. They sound cool.”

  “They are.” Mick smiles. “But yeah, I’m kind of regretting doing this now. It seems like I could have waited until college next year and this would have been easier.” She looks at Emma. “So stay quiet if you want. Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to come out.”

  “Thanks for sharing your side of things,” Mrs. Bianco says.

  “Does this mean you’re a guy now?” Gavin asks.

  Mick smiles. “I still don’t know. I think if I’m dressed like this, I’d like you to use ‘he.’ But maybe ‘they’ if I’m wearing makeup. I kind of want to see how I feel when I hear it. Does that make sense?”

  “That’s perfectly fine,” Mrs. Bianco says.

  Gavin looks like he might ask another question, but he just nods instead.

  We leave a little before lunch is over, so the halls are pretty empty when we all file out of the classroom. About eight of us are clustered in a group, getting ready to go our separate ways when three people in black jeans, hoodies, and ski masks burst out of the door across the hall.

  “Homos suck,” a girl calls in a falsely deep voice. I’d bet money it’s Carmen.

  “There’s only two genders,” a guy says.

  A barrage of water balloons hit us. Of course we all try to duck and run in different directions, which means we only bump into each other and don’t get anywhere. The balloons sting as they burst against us. As quick as the attack started, it ends.

  “There’s your rainbow, assholes.” All three of them laugh and take off running down the halls.

  “God hates queers,” someone yells and I know it is Carmen.

  “Burn in hell.”

  We look at each other in stunned surprise. We’re splattered with paint in a literal rainbow of colors. None of us survived without two or three big splashes of color. If the whole thing hadn’t been so hate-filled, I might have laughed. Instead, I feel tears pricking at my eyelids as I stare around. Emma is crying, her clothes obviously ruined.

  Luke looks at me. “Was that who I thought it was?”

  I purse my lips and spit out a name. “Carmen.”

  “What on earth?” Mrs. Bianco asks, stepping into the hall. She stops short, looking us up and down. She scowls. “Principal’s office, all of you.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Principal Garrison doesn’t look too pleased to have eight teenagers dripping paint onto his office floor, but he doesn’t say anything about it as we take turns explaining what happened.

  “Mrs. Bianco, I have to say this is why I was unsure about the idea of starting this club to begin with.” Mr. Garrison frowns. “The student body isn’t ready for this sort of thing.”

  “And as you well know, this club has a legal right to exist. We need to figure out who did this and punish them.” Mrs. Bianco is fuming.

  “That is going to be difficult considering no one was able to identify the three involved.”

  “It was a girl and two guys,” Lily says. “The girl was short.”

  “That could still be many people.” Principal Garrison sighs. “Okay, everyone out. I need to speak to Mrs. Bianco for a moment.”

  We file out of his office and into the main office. The school secretary looks at us but doesn’t comment. We huddle together in a circle.

  “That was Carmen.” I look around at the group.

  “It totally was,” Emma says.

  Luke nods in agreement. “I think that was Isaac with her, as much as I hate to admit it.”

  “I think so too.” Gavin shakes his head. “What a tool.”

  “What do we do?” Mick asks.

  I look around our circle. Dani, Lily, and Emma got the worst of the paint. Everyone is looking at me to answer Mick. How the hell did I become the de facto leader?

  “We tell Principal Garrison what’s been going on with Carmen this year. Maybe he can bring her in to question her or something.” It’s the only idea I have, and honestly, I’m not sure it will work. Still, they all nod and we are ready to barge back into the principal’s office when Mrs. Bianco sticks her head out.

  “We’re going to talk to each of you one by one. After we’re done talking you are allowed to take early dismissal if you want.”

  One by one they call everyone in. Dani and Mick take off once they are done and so does Emma. Maria offers to take Lily and Luke home after I assure them I don’t need a ride. There is only one person I want to see. I text Zia as Mrs. Bianco calls Connor in.

  Me: Hey, any chance you can pick me up outside the high school?

  Zia: Are you skipping school?! Be there in fifteen minutes.

  Me: Bring a trash bag

  Zia: ????
/>
  I slip my phone away, happy to see her excitement. We hadn’t talked much outside of work in the last couple weeks. She’s been entirely wrapped up with Tyler, and I’ve been jealous. Hoping that pulling away would make her reach out to me, I barely texted her and we only spoke during work. The one time she invited me over, I said I had too much homework.

  I feel stupid about it now. There are people out there who hate me being gay so much that they are attacking me, and I’m pushing away a friend because she doesn’t want to be more than that? It’s immature and petty.

  Connor reappears and Mrs. Bianco waves me in. Principal Garrison looks exhausted and he rubs his eyes before speaking. “Can you tell me about the incident after the club meeting today?” he asks.

  I give him a fast description. When I tell him Carmen was part of the group who attacked us, he stops me to ask how I know it was her.

  “She’s been harassing me since school started.”

  “If Carmen Hollis has been harassing you since the beginning of the year, why didn’t you report it?” He lifts an eyebrow.

  I shrug. “I thought I could handle it. I didn’t think it was going to escalate to this. But I heard her voice. I know it was her. Plus, no one else is that short.”

  “Did you recognize anyone else?”

  “Yes. Isaac Harding. He and my brother used to be friends.”

  Principal Garrison sighs and nods. “Okay. I think we have enough to deal with this. Thank you for your time.”

  I stand at his dismissal and walk out of the room with Mrs. Bianco on my heels. She puts a hand on my shoulder at the door. “I’m sorry it came to this. But things will get better now that admin is involved.”

  I nod, even though I highly doubt that.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Connor is still waiting at the curb and I stand beside him. I have to force myself not to look back at the school every few seconds. I feel like everyone inside must be watching us. Connor doesn’t seem bothered by it. He’s got a splash of red paint across his chest, and a mix of blue and purple covers one leg of his jeans. Still, he looks absolutely comfortable standing in the brisk fall afternoon with his hands in his jacket pockets and his hood pulled up. Now that we’re outside the school, he has a baseball cap on under the hood.