What Happens When

by Samantha Boyette

  “I can’t believe Isaac would do that.” Luke shakes his head. “It’s because he has a crush on Carmen. At least, I hope that’s why he’s acting like a moron.”

  I shake my head. “This is crazy. The juice was one thing, but this is in a whole other league.”

  “What about juice?” Mom leans against the counter, watching me with her arms crossed.

  I sigh. Of course I never told her about that. I’m just finishing explaining when Dan gets home. One look at Mom, whose expression says she might murder someone, and he pulls a bottle from the wine rack, pouring them both glasses.

  “So I take it the paint balloon thing wasn’t the first incident?” Dan hands Mom her glass.

  “I can’t believe we used to let Carmen into this house.” Mom sets the wine on the table without taking a sip. “Or Isaac.”

  “At least she wasn’t your friend.” I sink into a chair, feeling beaten. “I can’t believe how much she hates me.” I can feel tears threatening, but I blink them back.

  “What’s going to happen to Carmen and them?” Luke sits on the counter, popping baby carrots into his mouth one at a time.

  “They’re getting three days of in-school suspension and have to attend a tolerance seminar.”

  I snort. “We should line them up and throw paint balloons at them.”

  “Or maybe at that Mustang Jay’s so proud of.” Luke grins. “Or eggs.”

  “No.” Mom holds up a finger to Luke. She takes her wine and sits at the table. “My children will not sink to that level.”

  The kitchen is silent a moment, Dan sipping at the wine and Mom holding her glass.

  “Are you two okay?” Dan asks.

  “We’re fine,” I say. “I don’t know if we’ll still have a Queer Alliance after this.”

  “We will.” Luke hops off the counter and grabs a pear.

  “I don’t know if it’s such a good idea for you two to be involved in the club anymore.” Mom pulls her glass close. “It might be dangerous.”

  “We’re not ditching out on the club.” I’m surprised at my own insistence. A month ago I didn’t even want to be a part of the club, now I can’t imagine it getting shut down.

  “If we stop going, that’s as good as saying they were right.” Luke looks right at Mom when he speaks. She holds his eyes for a moment and then sighs.

  “I know. You’re right.” She flutters a hand at him as she sips her wine. “I just worry about the two of you. Especially you, Molly.” She reaches across the table and takes my hand. “You know we support you, but the rest of the world isn’t always going to be so happy with this choice of yours.”

  I resist the urge to wince at the word “choice” because I know she means well. I didn’t choose this.

  “I’ll be okay, Mom.” I smile and squeeze her hand.

  I hope I’m telling the truth.

  Chapter Twenty

  I don’t know what I expect at school the next day, but it’s surprisingly normal. Only a few people dart dirty looks at me in the hallway, and with Carmen gone, a lot of the snide remarks I’ve been hearing all year have been silenced. Apparently our attackers’ punishment has sent the message that you can get into trouble for being an asshole. It’s kinda refreshing.

  By the end of school, I’m not even thinking about the incident anymore. All I can think about is Zia. We both are working that afternoon, and I’m both excited and scared to see her. We texted a little the night before, but nothing important. I have this fantasy that when I see her she’s going to pull me right into her arms and kiss me. Considering we’ll be standing in the middle of the diner, that probably won’t happen.

  I’m a bundle of nerves when I push through the doors of the diner. I see Zia behind the counter, taking some guy’s order, and my heart stutters when she meets my eyes and smiles. I grin back. If that man only knew what we had been doing yesterday afternoon he’d probably lose it. The thought makes me blush and I hurry to the back with my head down.

  In the bathroom, I change for work and take deep breaths, trying to calm my nerves. I remind myself that I’m here to work, not to flirt with Zia. I step out of the bathroom, ready to face the afternoon.

  Zia’s standing outside the door. I stop, blinking in surprise, one hand on the doorknob. “Oh, hey. I didn’t expect to see you.”

  “Sorry, I needed to pee. All three of the customers out there are set. There’s a list by the register of stuff my uncle wants done today.” She slips past me and into the bathroom. I let the door close.

  I walk out to the register in a daze. What the hell was that? Okay, maybe my fantasy of an openmouthed kiss to welcome me might have been stretching it, but a hug wouldn’t have been asking much. She almost always hugs me hello.

  Of course, then the panic sets in, and it only gets worse over the afternoon and evening. Does she regret what we did? Was it a drunken mistake? Are we breaking up? Or not breaking up, but whatever friends do? Every time she slips past me without resting her hand on my hip for support, I know we will never kiss again and she hates me. Then when she touches my arm to get my attention, my heart sputters to life and I know she loves me.

  “Do you need a ride home?” she asks, mid-dinner rush with no preamble, barely looking at me. I freeze, plates in both hands, unsure what to say.

  “Uh, yeah, that would be great.”

  By the end of the shift, I’ve officially lost my mind. As I hurry through the closing duties, I text Luke.

  Me: Don’t need a ride.

  Luke: Your girlfriend bringing you home? ;)

  Me: We’ve talked about your use of winky faces.

  Luke: ;) ;) ;) ;)

  Luke: Is she?

  Me: Yes. But I think she might hate me.

  Luke: Why?

  Me: She’s being weird.

  Luke: You’re probably a crap kisser.

  I slide my phone away. Sometimes your brother isn’t the person you want to talk to. Lily pops to mind, but I push her away. God knows I can’t text her about girl problems since she’s technically still one of those problems. I sigh deeply. How have I gone so quickly from dating guys who meant nothing to having my heart dragged through the street by Zia?

  I follow Zia to her car, both of us quiet. The silence continues on the ride home. She’s got the radio tuned to a nineties station, and it plays songs I’m growing familiar with thanks to her and her strange obsession with them. I open my mouth three times but don’t say anything because I can’t think of what to say. I have no idea where we stand.

  Trees rush by out the passenger side window in the light of a half moon. It’s windy out and the walk to the car was nearly arctic. In the car the heat is blasting, and the infrequent streetlights and glow from the dashboard cast enough light that I can see Zia. Her eyes are focused on the road, but I catch her sneaking glances at me. It’s those glances that finally give me the nerve to speak up.

  “Can you pull over?”

  She does it without asking why. We’re maybe a quarter mile from my house on a dark stretch of road. All the homes here are set far back from the road, and even during the day the road isn’t busy. I know we’re guaranteed privacy here. I turn on my seat to face her, but she’s still staring out the windshield.

  “What’s going on?” I ask.

  Sighing, she leans forward and turns on the flashers and then turns to face me. The soft light in the car makes her look professionally lit as she tucks her hair behind her ears and leans her head back against the seat.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Are you mad at me?”

  “What? No.”

  She looks so honestly surprised that I believe her, and it feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I reach forward cautiously and take her hand. I expect her to pull away, but she twists her fingers with mine. I almost grin.

  “So, what’s on your mind? You’ve been weird to me all day.”

  She closes her eyes. “I just don’t know how to act.” Her eyes open and her gaze
meets mine. “I’ve never done anything like that. At first I felt awesome about it, but then I got scared.” She pulls her hand away from mine, wrapping her arms around herself.

  “This is pretty new to me too,” I say softly.

  “But you knew you wanted it. I’ve been with lots of guys and I never even thought about kissing a girl until I met you.” She shakes her head. “I’m just kinda freaking out here.” I nod, because barely more than a month ago I was right where she is after my night with Lily. Except I didn’t have a boyfriend to complicate matters. She reaches across the console and squeezes my hand. “But I’m not mad at you.”

  When we pull into my driveway, I hesitate before getting out. I turn and look at her again. “So what happens now?”

  She looks down a moment, long eyelashes fluttering against her cheeks, then leans forward and presses her lips to mine. It’s so sweet and soft that my heart hurts because it says there’s a chance for us.

  She pulls back far enough to lean her forehead on mine. “I’ll figure it out.”

  I walk into the house, grinning like an idiot and feeling like the world has come alive again.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  “Hey.” Lily bumps her shoulder into mine as I’m walking toward the last class of the day. It’s one of two I have with her.

  “Hey.” I bump her back. This has kind of become our thing, and it warms me a little each time we do it. I can’t help but run my eyes over Lily for the millionth time today. She’s got on this loose T-shirt dress over a pair of torn jeans with high-top Vans and it wouldn’t be memorable if not for how low cut the V of the top is. I’m kind of surprised teachers have let it fly because I have a great view of her cleavage.

  I look away, hoping she didn’t notice me checking her out. I need to get my head on straight. I can’t keep looking at Lily like that while praying that Zia breaks up with Tyler so I can be with her. Is that what liking girls does to you? Am I basically a dude now? Staring at girls’ exposed skin and unable to concentrate on anything else? I realize I’ve been quiet for far too long and Lily is smirking at me because she probably caught me ogling her.

  I clear my throat. “What’s up?”

  She laughs. “Not much. I just wanted to know if you were still interested in the Queer Alliance after the other day. Mrs. Bianco was worried people might not come back, so I’ve been checking in to make sure.”

  “Yeah, I’m still in. Luke and I both. I’d bet Gavin too because he isn’t the kind of guy to let people get to him.”

  “Awesome. So far everyone is in.” She smiles her million-watt smile and I return it because it’s basically impossible not to.

  “How did your parents handle it?”

  “You mean when I told them?” Lily’s smile fades.

  “I mean when Principal Garrison did. He called our mom.”

  Lily nods. “Yeah, he called my parents too. Dad was pissed, but Mom, well, I don’t know.” Lily shrugs and adjusts her backpack. “She told me that this is the sort of thing I’m in for if I insist on living like this.”

  “Wow.” I can’t think of anything else to say because that is the largest piece of parental bullshit I’ve ever heard.

  “Yeah. But it was okay actually because Dad kind of blew up at her. He told her she needed to start supporting me and not the bigots. Then mom started crying and then I was crying.” Lily shook her head and almost smiled. “It ended with her telling me she loved me but is really scared for me, which I guess is a step forward.”

  “I’d say it is.” I pull her into an awkward one-armed hug. “I’m sorry that all went down, though.”

  “Thanks.”

  She leans her head into me, and for a split second I realize this could be my life. I could be walking down the hall with my arm around my girlfriend. Then someone wolf-whistles and I let my arm drop as we file into the classroom.

  Class is almost over when my phone vibrates and I peek at it under the desk.

  Zia: Pick you up after school?

  Me: Sure. I thought you worked?

  Zia: Switched. Want to see you.

  Those four words roll through me like liquid fire, setting every nerve to light and making me want to leap from my chair. I’m unable to focus on what the teacher is saying. Zia wants to see me. It takes all my self-control to stay in my seat and resist the urge to run out of the classroom and straight to her apartment.

  I squirm in my seat and Lily shoots me a questioning look. I smile at her. She gives me a confused look but smiles in return. All at once I feel guilty, hoping she didn’t get the wrong idea about my smile.

  Those worries come crashing down as we file out of the room. Lily’s a few people ahead of me and not even looking back. I try to reach her but stop when I see Dani leaning against the lockers across the hall. She looks like she could be modeling in a fedora, form-fitting button-up shirt, and joggers. She has one foot on the ground and one on the locker behind her, a skateboard in her hands. She smiles widely when Lily hurries across to her.

  I’m surprised by the twinge of jealousy that zips through me. I push it aside, telling myself it’s for the better. Lily deserves to be with someone too. Still, I can’t help looking back as I push through the doors at the end of the hall, but they’re gone.

  I spot Zia’s car right away and jog over to it. Music is blasting from the open windows and I feel like everyone is looking our way as I climb inside. She lowers the music just enough to say hi. Without another word she pulls out of the parking lot. I catch just one glimpse of Luke watching me go from where he stands with Maria, Lily, and Dani.

  Zia stays quiet until we’re inside her apartment. I drop my backpack on the table and stand gripping the back of the chair. On the ride over it dawned on me that maybe she wanted to see me to tell me every reason why this wasn’t going to work.

  “So.” She runs a hand over the back of the couch as she walks away from me. “How was school?”

  “Fine.” I raise an eyebrow. “So you called off work?”

  She shrugs. “Switched shifts.”

  “Because you wanted to see me?” I step closer until I am standing across from her. She rests against the couch and I rest against the table. Two feet of pure tension fills the space between us.

  “Yeah. Because I wanted to see you.” Her gaze flickers around the room as she says it, refusing to meet my eyes.

  She looks down and my eyes roam over her, taking in the blond waves falling over her face, black and white striped sweater, and tight black jeans. I want to close the space between us so badly that I can feel her pull like a magnet, but I hold my ground.

  “Why?” I ask and she looks up.

  Without an answer, she takes a shaky step forward to rest her hands on my hips. Her fingertips must be made from live wires because the touch sends a jolt through me. Still, I keep my hands firmly on the table’s edge, but when she kisses me I have to let go. I wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her close.

  I can taste wine on her tongue, but it makes the kiss all the sweeter. My fingers tangle in her soft hair and hers push at my jean jacket, trying to force it off. It seems impossible to take my hands away from her, but I manage to just long enough to let her get my jacket off. I’m only wearing a sheer T-shirt underneath, and I shiver as her cold hands run down my bare arms.

  All my senses seem to increase tenfold. Each touch, sound, and sight feels so intense it almost hurts. Still, I’m not sure how we end up lying on the couch. We’re pressed tight to each other and I swear I can feel her heart beating against my chest. We kiss and kiss, hands roaming but never quite making it to anything that is aching to be touched.

  We slow, some of our frenzy gone, and I realize it’s getting dark in the small apartment. Outside, the sun has dipped low, leaving the world in the pale light of dusk. Zia lies against me, her head on my shoulder. Her slender fingers play with the charm on my necklace and I can feel her breath on my neck.

  “This is too easy,” she says finally. “Being with
you like this.”

  “I don’t think I’ve ever done this with anyone. I mean, just lie like this. With guys it was all groping and sloppy kisses and then we were done.”

  She laughs. “Tyler is like that sometimes, but we lie like this too.”

  I stiffen at Tyler’s name, and I know she feels it because she sits up, the moment gone. I don’t move, hoping my stillness will draw her back. She runs a hand through her hair, but it’s still a beautiful mess. Wiping her mouth, she stands and goes to the fridge. I hear her filling a glass and I’m not surprised when she comes back with two glasses of wine. Sighing, I sit up and take mine.

  “I really don’t know what I’m doing.” Zia takes a fortifying sip of wine. “You make me feel crazy. I’m thinking about you all the time.” She glances at me and then away again. “But I’m with Tyler and I’m not gay or a lesbian or whatever.”

  “Could have fooled me.” I mean it to be a joke, but it comes out bitter. I set the untouched glass of wine on the table.

  “This is about you. I like you.” She leans over and kisses my shoulder, her lips lingering. “I like doing what we do together.” She kisses a different spot on my shoulder.

  “So do I.” I lick my lips and swallow hard as her lips move across my skin. When she pulls away, I want to yank her back.

  She takes a sip of wine. “So let’s not ruin this. Let’s just do what we do when we do it. It doesn’t need to have a label, does it?”

  “No, I guess not.” I want to argue, but her hand is sliding over my thigh and I want that even more. “And Tyler?” I ask.

  She shrugs and finishes her wine. “What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

  Before I can think to reply, her lips are on mine again.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  And just like that, I’m the other woman. I pass the days waiting for her texts and only feeling alive in the hours and minutes we steal for each other. I know I should feel bad for Tyler. Instead, when Zia pulls me into the bathroom at work, I kick the door shut. When she asks if I can skip school, I play sick. When she texts at midnight and says she is in her car on the road, I sneak out the back door.