What Happens When

by Samantha Boyette

  After only four days of this, I feel like I’ve never known anything else. I can’t imagine how I ever lived without her in my life. How did I go on living without knowing I would be kissing her again? I don’t know if anyone else notices what is going on between us, but Luke does. He catches me sneaking in the back door after our midnight make-out session in Zia’s car on Sunday night.

  “Hey, Mol,” he says from where he’s sitting at the kitchen table. I let out a small, terrified squeak and punch him in the shoulder.

  “Jesus Christ. You scared the shit out of me,” I hiss, careful to stay quiet and not wake Mom or Dan. I look at the clock. “It’s almost one in the morning. What are you doing here?”

  “I could ask you the same thing.” Even in the dim light I can see him raise an eyebrow, smirking. “Meeting Zia?”

  “Yes.” I’m too tired to come up with a lie and I feel a little bit like bragging.

  “Were you with her when you went home sick on Friday too?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Does she still have a boyfriend?”

  I roll my eyes and cross my arms. “Are you trying to ruin this for me?”

  “Not at all.” Luke stands up and crosses his arms, mirroring me. “Just trying to be the cold voice of reason. If she really liked you, wouldn’t she want to dump him?”

  I feel myself getting angry because I know he’s right. I’ve been doing really well not thinking about it, though, so hearing it sucks. “It’s only been a week. She’ll dump him when she’s ready.”

  “Sure she will.” Luke’s face says he doesn’t buy that at all, and I want to punch him again. “Just be careful and stop sneaking around and skipping school, or people are going to catch on.” He turns and starts out of the kitchen. I grab his arm, pulling him around to face me.

  “She’s going to break up with him.” I hate to admit how much I want him to believe that. If he does, maybe I can too. “She just needs some time to deal with how she feels about me.”

  Luke tugs himself free of my grip. “I hope that’s true, but my gut says she’s using you.”

  I don’t follow him upstairs.

  *

  “I know we’ve all had a lot on our mind since the last meeting,” Mrs. Bianco says at the Queer Alliance meeting the next day. “I asked Lily if I could open this meeting so we could discuss a few things.” She looks around the room and I wonder what she’s thinking. All the usuals are here, even Emma, who I had expected to bail. There are a few kids I don’t know too. “First off, what happened was wrong, the three kids who did it have been punished, and they had no right to make you feel unsafe here. Did anyone want to talk about the incident?”

  Emma raises her hand slowly. Mrs. Bianco nods to her. “My friends found out I come to these meetings.”

  “What’d they say?” Dani asks. The two of them are sitting opposite us. I expected Lily to sit with Dani, but she hurried to sit by me.

  “Well, at first they thought I was here to support people, but I told them I’m pretty sure I might be a lesbian and they were surprised, but then actually seemed cool with it.”

  “Really?” I can’t help but feel a little jealous that her friends were fine with it.

  “Yeah. One of them even said she thought Carmen was being totally out of line with you.” Emma grins and I know she is really happy not to have lost her friends.

  “I actually had a couple people ask me about it too,” Gavin says. “Some guys from the basketball team asked me about the meetings. At first they were asking if there were hot lesbians here.”

  “What’d you say?” Lily grins.

  “I said there were tons, of course.” Gavin grins back at her. “But they were asking why I came here and stuff and I said it was because I’m supporting my friends and they were mostly cool about it. Neil even came today.” Gavin nods to Neil, one of the few Asian kids in our school and a star basketball player despite the fact he is only a couple inches taller than me. Neil nods to the group.

  “I’m glad you all are having some good come out of this.” Mick is sitting beside Connor, slouched low in his chair. He has a beanie on and his legs splayed, hands in his pockets with one knee jittering up and down. “I’ve had a dozen kids asking me what’s going on with me and why I’m acting like a dude.”

  “Have they been judgy about it?” Lily asks.

  Mick starts to answer and then pauses a moment, head tilted as he thinks. “Nah, actually. I guess they weren’t. I said I just like these clothes and they make me feel more like me and they just kind of accepted that. So yeah, I guess that is kind of cool.”

  “Well, I came because of what happened,” a junior girl with a head full of braids says. “Carmen likes to act like she knows what God and everyone else thinks, and it pisses me off.”

  I feel like crying when she says it. Just hearing that people I barely know think Carmen is wrong makes my heart swell with happiness. A bunch of people are nodding in agreement with the girl.

  “I’m happy to see new faces here today,” Mrs. Bianco says, leaning back against her desk. “I’m even more pleased to know that you’re here because of what happened. I was afraid the incident would keep people away, but I’m happy to see it has had the opposite effect.” She reaches behind her and pulls a sheet of paper off her desk. “Because of incidents like that and worse, queer students are more likely to commit suicide and more likely to miss school because they feel unsafe.” She looks up at us, gauging our reactions to the news. Most of us nod somberly. “They are also more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, feel alone, or experience sexual abuse.”

  “It’s been that way forever.” Connor shrugs, slouching low in his seat as if he and Mick are having a slouch-off. “There’s nothing we can do about it.”

  “See, that’s where you’re wrong.” Mrs. Bianco stands straight, really getting into it. “And thinking that way is why people keep getting away with treating people badly.” She circles the room while she talks, holding up a piece of paper. “I found this article while I was researching.”

  I glance at the headline on the paper and my heart sinks. “Gay Student Commits Suicide.” It’s one thing to hear the statistics, another to hear one person’s story. I lean back in my chair as Mrs. Bianco begins to read.

  “Ninth-grader Jacob King wanted to bring a boy to the Homecoming Dance. He asked for permission from the principal, who grudgingly allowed it. Somehow word got out and the bullying started.” Mrs. Bianco glances around the room and sees we’re all listening. “Jacob’s mom, Brenda King, reports that in the weeks after he made his request he often came home with bruises and once with a bloody lip. The principal was slow to respond to the issues. In the end, she decided to pull him from school. This was too little too late, however, and the night she made the decision, she found him dead in the backyard. He had hanged himself. After he passed away, she discovered the bullying had been following him home on social media; the cyber-bullying was worse than the physical attacks. She said ‘he only wanted to dance with another boy.’” Mrs. Bianco looks up. “The article goes into more detail, but that’s the gist of it. I have copies for anyone who wants to read it.”

  “Why did you tell us that?” Emma asks quietly. She looks on the verge of tears, and I don’t blame her. After what Carmen did, this seems a little close to home.

  “Because you kids started this group to create a safe place within this school. Not all schools have that. Principal Garrison punished the kids who attacked you. Not all schools have that. Brenda King started a foundation to raise money to fund programs that help teach schools how to respond in these situations. I’d like to see this group figure out a way to raise money for it. There are schools out there too scared of public reaction to even host a club like this or say the word ‘queer’ in their classrooms. Let’s help change that.”

  From across the room, I catch Connor’s eye. He smiles.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  “I love this so much,” Lily says as we walk out
of school that afternoon. “I’m so excited to do some good.”

  It sounds corny, but I believe her. “Yeah. I just hope we can come up with something good.”

  “We will.” She gives me a confident smile.

  “Hey.” Maria appears from nowhere, linking her arm with Lily’s. “You two want to come to the mall?”

  “Sure.” Lily nods.

  “I don’t know.” I check my phone for the millionth time. I haven’t had so much as a text from Zia all day, and I’ve sent her five. As I slip my phone away, I see Luke beside Maria. He’s giving me a knowing look.

  “Come on,” Gavin says from beside Luke. “I’m going.” He wiggles his eyebrows at me like he’s some sort of selling point.

  “Mol can’t come, she’s probably got a hot date or something.” Luke grins.

  I stick my tongue out at him. “Shut up. I’m in, let’s go to the mall.”

  Maria steers us all away from the buses and we walk a couple blocks to where she’s parked her car to get around the no-cars-on-campus rule.

  “Shotgun,” Gavin calls when we’re still half a block away. He tugs his jeans up his hips as he jogs toward the Mini.

  “Can you even fit in the car?” I call after him.

  “Don’t be scared of my manly build.” Gavin opens the door and pulls the seat forward for us. “Just because you’re used to scrawny short guys like your brother.”

  “Dude, don’t even act like you’re some sort of linebacker.” Luke squeezes into the back. “You’re so skinny you can’t even keep your pants up. And I’m not short, I’m five ten.”

  “He still has like six inches on you.” Lily grins.

  “In more than one way.” Gavin busts out laughing as soon as he says it. Groans and laughter fill the car.

  I’ve almost forgotten what this is like, sitting in a too-crowded car with friends and listening to them crack jokes and rag on one another. I’m smiling like crazy because it feels good to hang out with these people. I feel a small pang, realizing how out of the loop I’ve been between losing my friends from last year and letting Zia become my world.

  Of course we have no real reason for going to the mall, so we just wander from store to store until the guys get sick of it and we head for the food court. We order a pizza to share, then find a table. At this hour, there are lots of kids our age around, some from our school and lots from the surrounding schools. The open area is loud, filled with sunlight from the skylights overhead, and a little too warm.

  When Lily pulls off her leather jacket, my eyes linger for a moment on the bare shoulders her dress reveals. My fingers twitch with a desire to brush over her flawless skin.

  Maria sits on Luke’s lap, laughing as he tries to shove a slice of pizza into his mouth without dropping any on her. Beside me, Gavin’s plowed his way through two slices already.

  “So, let’s talk about this fund-raiser thing.” Lily picks a piece of pepperoni off her slice and pops it in her mouth. “What are we going to do?”

  “Bake sale?” Maria asks.

  Luke groans. “As much as I like all things baked, bake sales are boring.”

  “Overdone,” Lily says. “Car wash?”

  Maria shoots her a look. “Really? Bake sales are overdone, but car washes aren’t?”

  “I don’t know.” Gavin slowly reaches for the last piece of pizza, and when no one says anything he smiles and grabs it. “They may be boring, but they make money.”

  “But this is going to be our first public event.” Lily’s voice strains as she says it. “I want it to be memorable.” It’s clear just how much this means to her.

  “What about an ice cream social?” I ask. “I know it sounds boring, but who doesn’t like ice cream?”

  “Too much setup cost, I think.” Luke shrugs. “Could work, though. We could have a few big tubs of ice cream and a ton of toppings.”

  “Maybe Zia’s uncle could order the ice cream and donate it.” Everyone is silent after I say that, and I look down at my half-eaten pizza. Do they know?

  “It’s a good idea.” Lily finally breaks the silence.

  “What about a dance thing?” Gavin asks.

  Maria slips off Luke’s lap and leans her elbows on the table. “Yes. Because this all started when Jacob wanted to take a boy to a dance.”

  “We could do a pledge thing for how long couples dance.” Gavin nods.

  “Pairs of guys or girls,” Lily says excitedly. “We could do pledge sheets or something.”

  “I like it.” Luke grabs the crust from Maria’s plate and shoves it in his mouth. He talks with his mouth full. “But will people do it?”

  “Maybe.” I shrug. “It’s worth a shot. It’ll be memorable, that’s for sure.”

  “I love it.” Lily’s face is lit by her smile, wider than I’ve ever seen. “Great idea.”

  We’re still talking out the details, and I don’t even notice someone coming up behind me until I feel a hand on my shoulder. I jump at the touch and turn to see Zia standing over me, Tyler right beside her. He’s smiling widely, but Zia doesn’t look as happy.

  “Hey.” I hurry to stand, chair legs squeaking over the floor. My eyes flit from Zia to Tyler. They’re holding hands, and the sight of it makes my stomach hurt. As if sensing my thoughts, Zia lets go of his hand.

  “Hey. We just spotted you and thought we’d say hi. We were over there.” Zia motions half-heartedly toward the arcade. “Tyler saw you.”

  “I thought we should say hello. We really need to hang out together sometime. It seems like you see my girlfriend even more than I do these days.” I cringe at that, sure that he knows, but he just keeps going. “Maybe we can all grab food one night. Sorry we just barged over here when you’re busy.” His smile doesn’t fade a hair as he nods to the table.

  “That’s fine,” Luke says from behind me. I glance at him to see that he’s stood up and is coming around the table. “I’m Luke, Molly’s brother. She’s told me a lot about the two of you.”

  “Oh?” Zia’s eyes dart to mine. I want to sink into the floor.

  “Yeah.” Luke doesn’t elaborate. “You’ll have to come spend some time at our place. I am a huge fan of food.”

  “Sounds good.” Zia doesn’t look like she thinks that sounds good at all.

  “We all hang out together a lot,” Lily says. I glance over at her. She’s studying Zia closely. “How come you never hang out with us?”

  “She’s older,” I blurt and immediately wish I had kept my mouth shut. “She has work and stuff.” I desperately wish Zia and Tyler would leave. Seeing him, I can’t help but feel guilty.

  “Yeah, usually when Molly and I hang out it’s pretty last minute.” Zia smiles, but I know it’s fake. Lily nods and looks away. “Anyway. We should probably get going.” Zia turns her fake smile to me and I force one just as fake onto my face. “Text me?”

  “Of course.” I nod. God yes, I’m going to text her.

  *

  That night, I pick up my phone and put it down about ten times, unable to think what to text Zia. I’ve started a dozen texts to her, but none of them seem right. I’m also thinking about texting Lily, but I have even less idea what to say to her. She was pretty quiet the rest of the afternoon. After we got home I asked Luke if he had told her what was going on with Zia and me, but he swore he hadn’t. Was it obvious, then? Apparently not to Tyler at least.

  Finally, I pick up my phone and quickly type a text to Zia. I send it before I can overthink it.

  Me: What the hell was that today?

  I stare at my phone a moment, almost expecting her to text me right back. Of course that doesn’t happen. I drop my phone to the bed. She’s probably still with Tyler. Maybe they’re making out. The idea makes me pick up my phone again and check it even though it hasn’t beeped and that means I don’t have a message.

  I try to do homework, but I can barely concentrate on it.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  By lunch Lily’s already run the dance idea
by the group, gotten Mrs. Bianco’s approval, and sat through a tense meeting with Mr. Garrison. End result is I’m sitting with Lily in Mrs. Bianco’s room making posters for the fund-raiser.

  “I swear, I have a major crush on Mrs. Bianco right now.” Lily glances up with a smile. “She was not taking no for an answer. Mr. Garrison tried to say no a dozen times, and she just barreled right on with why we needed to do this.”

  “I’m sure her husband will be worried to hear about you,” I say.

  “You’d know all about that, I guess.” Lily says it so casually that at first it doesn’t register. A moment later I realize she’s talking about Zia.

  “What does that mean?” I put down the ridiculous glitter pen I’ve been using and stare hard at her. The room is silent aside from the obnoxiously loud clock ticking above the white board. I was surprised when I showed up to help and the rest of the group wasn’t here, but now it makes sense.

  Lily doesn’t pause in her work. “Just saying, there was a definite vibe between you and Zia yesterday.”

  “How so?” I begin working again. If this is no big deal to her, then it’s no big deal to me.

  “Molly.” Now Lily looks up, giving me a face that clearly says not to bullshit her. “You are totally hooking up with her.”

  “You are so off base.” I can’t look at her while I say it.

  “Am I? Look at me and tell me it isn’t true.”

  I look up. Her words sound angry, but I see hurt in her face. There’s almost a hope that I will say it to her, which is why I can’t. “It’s only been going on since that day with the paint.”

  Lily nods, biting her lip and looking down at the poster. “It’s a bad idea.”