What Happens When

by Samantha Boyette

  “That’s what Luke says.” I look down at my poster. It isn’t as good as hers. My words are trailing down a bit to the right. “I wanted to tell you. You’re the only person I know who would really get it.”

  She nods, but is fully focused on her poster. “Sure, I mean I get the girl thing. But not the cheating thing.”

  I wince, that stings. “I’m not cheating. And we’ve only kissed, not had sex or whatever.” Great, now I’m blushing because I don’t even really know for sure what sex with another girl would be, and either way I know it’s a bad excuse.

  Lily sighs. “I get why you didn’t tell me. I know I’ve made it clear I like you, but that doesn’t mean you have to tell me if you like someone else. We’re not together. You don’t owe me anything.” There is a long moment of nothing but ticking. “But why her?”

  I shrug. What she’s really asking is “Why not me?” I don’t have a good answer for that, at least one I want to share with her. There’s no way to explain that even though Lily is amazing, she isn’t Zia amazing. I certainly can’t admit that I like that what is happening with me and Zia is a secret. It seems easier than a real relationship. I know that is horrible, but it’s true.

  “She’s got something that pulls me in.” It’s the only thing I can think of to say.

  Lily nods again. When she finally speaks, her voice is normal again, almost light. “Well, trust me when I say messing around with a straight girl is nothing but heartbreak.” She looks up, her eyes meeting mine. “Worse if her boyfriend has a jealous streak.”

  I think about Tyler. I can’t imagine him being the jealous type. All the same, I don’t want him to find out.

  *

  Work is awkward. It feels like that first day after we kissed. We barely talk, and when we do it’s too polite. Still, when Zia locks up, she gives me a look and I follow her toward her house.

  I like our town more at night. It’s quiet; most nights there is little traffic and even fewer people walking. It’s cold tonight and I’m glad I wore my jacket. We walk side by side, hands in our pockets.

  “I didn’t want to come over to you yesterday,” Zia says. Her words are a bit muffled because she has her chin tucked down into her jacket. I wonder why she didn’t drive to work today.

  “I get it. If you hadn’t, Tyler would have asked questions.”

  “Yeah, and I wouldn’t have known what to say to him. I mean, if I say we’re fighting, then he wants to know why.” Her words are quick. She’s really getting into this now that we’re talking.

  “And if you told him it was because we’ve been hooking up behind his back, then you might have to break up.” I stop. My words are bitter and they dampen her energy.

  Zia turns to face me. We’re on her street, it’s dark and empty. “I can’t do that yet.”

  “Will you ever be able to?” I want her to say yes, but she looks away from me, staring back at Main Street. I roll my eyes. “Listen, maybe this isn’t such a good—”

  Zia kisses me, hard and urgent in the middle of the sidewalk. Okay, maybe this isn’t Main Street, but I still feel a twinge of excitement knowing that anyone could drive by and see us. Her hands fumble up around my neck and I take her waist, pulling her close.

  We kiss until I’m both cold from the brisk air and warm from her body against mine, and then she pulls back. “I don’t know what I want,” she whispers. “Give me a few more days?”

  I nod. I’d give her a lifetime more at that moment.

  “Can you give me a ride home?” I ask.

  Zia nods, then looks away, biting her lip. It reminds me of Lily and I feel a small, guilty twist in my gut. I almost miss what she says next.

  “I want you to stay over. Think you can?”

  A slow smile spreads on my face and I nod. “Yeah, I think I can pull that off.”

  I have a glass of wine in my hand on her couch when I call Mom with the sob story.

  “Zia and her boyfriend are having some issues. She really wants me to stay over tonight. Would that be okay?” I can feel her hesitation through the phone line. “I’ll be at school on time and my homework is already done.”

  “I guess it’s okay.” I wish I could see Mom right now. I imagine her shifting her weight from foot to foot as she winds up to what she really wants to say. “You two are just friends, right? I shouldn’t be worried?”

  I laugh, a nervous laugh but real enough. “Mom, did you miss the part where I said boyfriend issues?”

  “Okay, okay.” I feel guilty at the relief in her voice. I hope Luke doesn’t blow it when she tells him where I’m staying. “Don’t stay up too late. Love you.”

  “Love you too.”

  I end the call and set my phone on the coffee table. Beside me, Zia is grinning, her glass already drained. “Boyfriend issues?”

  “Well, you do have some stuff to think over, don’t you?”

  “I guess you’re right.” She goes to fill her glass again and I wonder how such a small girl can drink so much. I think briefly that maybe it’s too much, but then an envelope on the coffee table catches my eye, the corner of a photo sticking out. I tug it free and find a new photo of the little girl from the other pictures. This time she is standing, holding on to hands that float from the top of the picture and beaming at the camera with four teeth showing. I flip the picture over and read. Sara is almost walking now!

  “That came today.” Zia sinks onto the couch beside me and takes the picture. “She’s getting so big.”

  The words sound somehow empty.

  “Is it hard to see her?” I take a sip of my wine.

  Zia nods and sips her wine, still staring at the picture. “I always wonder if maybe I should have kept her. If we could have been all right.”

  “I can’t imagine having a kid now, or even in a couple years.” I don’t even really like babysitting.

  “I know, I couldn’t either. But seeing her, she looks like I did as a baby. And she’s going to grow up and look more like me and maybe act like me and I won’t be there to see it.” Zia slips the photo back in the envelope and stands up. She walks across the room to toss the envelope on a shelf. When she turns around she has a wide, fake smile on her face. “Let’s put on a movie or something.”

  I want to ask more about the girl, more about how upset it obviously makes Zia, but she clearly doesn’t want to talk about it and I literally have no idea how to deal with it. It all seems so beyond me. So I smile back and nod.

  It’s the first time that this almost feels like a real relationship. We watch a movie, sitting close together on the couch. When I turn to face her halfway through the movie, she kisses me and the rest of the movie is kind of a blur.

  We share her bed. Kissing slowly turns into more as our hands roam over one another’s bodies, touching first through clothing and then pulling everything off. Neither of us know what we’re doing, but our hands seem to have capable minds of their own. They slip and stroke until we lie with fast-beating hearts and sweaty skin. Her kisses still taste like wine, and I know I’ll remember that for the rest of my life.

  We lie on our sides, looking at each other in darkness broken only by ambient light from the street. All I can think is how different this is from the one guy I’ve been with. After that happened, we both quickly dressed again, barely making eye contact. It was pretty much the end of our two-month relationship.

  With Zia, I never want to leave the bed. She’s looking back at me with a half-smile. I wonder if this moment feels as perfect to her as it does to me. I think of Lily’s warnings that afternoon and want to laugh. She doesn’t know Zia. This is different.

  “I wasn’t expecting that when I asked you to stay over.” Zia’s breath is warm on my face, and it makes me smile more.

  “Me either. Was it—I mean, is it okay that it happened?”

  “I wasn’t complaining.” Zia laughs. “I never thought I would do that with a girl at all. It was definitely different then with a guy.” My smile starts to fade and s
he grabs my hand. “But good.”

  I want to ask if she is going to break up with Tyler. I want to ask if everything we shared tonight makes a difference. It’s on the tip of my tongue, but I push it back. I’m scared of her answers and I don’t want to ruin this.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  I’m a zombie in school the next day, but who the hell cares? I’m sure people can tell Zia and I had sex, because I feel so different today. This is what losing your virginity is supposed to be like. When I first had sex with a guy, a lot of people knew, but I didn’t feel different. This time no one knows, it’s a delicious secret between Zia and me, but I want to shout it out.

  “You’re peppy today.” Lily tapes the poster she’s holding to the wall and steps back to make sure it’s straight.

  Over her shoulder, I see Luke look at me with a raised eyebrow. “She’s right, you do seem overly cheerful. What’s up?”

  I shrug. “I’m just happy. That okay with you two?”

  “Is what okay with them?” Maria asks as she joins us. She hugs Luke, giving him a quick kiss. He tugs her back for a longer one.

  I turn away. Watching my brother make out has never been on my top ten list. “They think I’m overly cheerful. I told them I was just happy.”

  “Because you spent the night at Zia’s?” Gavin asks.

  I glare at Luke, and he’s giving Gavin a “What the hell?” look. Lily turns and walks away. I’m holding all the posters, so I hurry after her.

  “What?” I hear Gavin ask.

  I turn back in time to see Luke punch him in the shoulder. The three of them are whispering as I round the corner. Lily’s leaning against a row of lockers with her arms crossed over her chest. I hold in a sigh. I don’t want to do this. She holds out a hand, and after a moment’s confusion, I give her a poster.

  “So, you stayed at her house, huh?” She positions the poster over the water fountain.

  “Yeah.”

  “And you had sex. That’s why you’re so peppy.”

  I could lie, but she’d know it was a lie. “Yeah.”

  “So much for just kissing, huh? Congratulations. You found the mythical straight girl who will leave her boyfriend for you.” Lily pushes her hair behind her ear and I swear she’s about to cry.

  I turn back toward the corner, wishing the others would join us again. It’s after school, so we’re alone in the hallway. I don’t know what to say. I’m floored that I’m in this situation. How did I go so quickly from pretending to be straight to sleeping with one girl and royally pissing off another while doing it?

  “She’s still with her boyfriend.” It’s the only thing I can think of to say.

  Lily laughs, harsh and bitter. “So she’s a cheating slut, then? Have fun with her.” She turns and throws the roll of tape at me. It hits my chest and I scramble to catch it. “You really suck, Molly.”

  She’s crying when she turns and runs down the hallway. I just stand there, holding a pile of posters and watching her go. Her knee-length skirt flutters over her leggings, making her look more like a little kid playing on a summer day than an angry teenage girl. She goes into the bathroom.

  I’m still standing there a moment later when the others join me.

  “Where’d Lily go?” Gavin asks.

  I turn and shove the posters and tape into his arms. I punch him on the shoulder like Luke did. “Thanks a lot, Gavin. Next time keep your mouth shut.”

  “Ow. I’m sorry. I already told Luke that.”

  I shove Luke for good measure. “You need to keep your mouth shut too.” He takes a step back, looking abashed.

  “Hey.” Maria steps in. “It isn’t their fault that you’re off hooking up with some girl who has a boyfriend and is using you as some sort of experiment while Lily sits around waiting for you to notice her.”

  “Why is it my fault that Lily likes me?” I want to scream it, but I don’t. “Besides, I thought she was into Dani. They’re always hanging out now.”

  “Yeah, hanging out.” Maria shakes her head. “They’re just friends. Dani isn’t her type. She likes you, and you keep blowing it.”

  “I’m not blowing anything. I never told Lily I wanted to be with her.” I feel a twinge of guilt at that because there is no denying that if Zia wasn’t in the picture I probably would be with Lily. “I made it perfectly clear to Lily that I didn’t want to date anyone right now. I’m not ready to be all coupley at school or anything, and I told her that.”

  “Sure, better to be the other woman with some straight girl who’s going to drop you the minute she gets bored.”

  I shake my head. “You know what, Maria? Mind your own business.”

  I leave, hesitating as I near the bathroom and wondering if I should go inside. I decide not to. I don’t know what to say to Lily anyway. Instead, I head for the diner but stop halfway when I realize Zia worked early so she won’t be there. I change course and head for her apartment.

  I make it there in record time, anger fueling my speed. I don’t even think about the truck in the driveway beside Zia’s car. Knocking on her door, I glance over at the truck, for the first time wondering who it belongs to. I get my answer when Tyler opens the door.

  “Hey, Molly.” He grins, as honest and open as ever, and I know she hasn’t told him anything yet.

  “Oh, hey.” I hope I’m not blushing. Seeing him makes last night feel wrong.

  “Molly?” Zia’s voice is a little higher than usual. I see her peering out at me from the couch. “What are you doing here?”

  Answers stream through my head. Hoping to see you? Running away from my friends? Looking for a repeat of last night? I think she’s expecting me to say something like that, because she goes a little pale.

  “I was hoping you could give me a ride home. Luke had plans with his girlfriend and they ditched me.”

  “Aw man, that sounds just like my brother,” Tyler says, ushering me inside. I feel a bit panicky when he shuts the door. “He used to ditch me all the time when we were in school. I’d come out expecting a ride and find out he cut school after lunch. Man, that sucks so much.” He grins at me again and I force a return grin.

  “Yeah, it sure does.” Not near as much as standing in a stiflingly small apartment with the girl you just slept with and her boyfriend. My eyes dart toward Zia. She looks a little sick. “So, think you can give me a ride home?”

  “Yeah, of course.” She practically leaps from the couch.

  “Yeah, I’ll go with you.” Tyler starts to pull on his jacket. I look at Zia again.

  “You don’t have to.” She halts his jacket with her hands on his arms and leans in to kiss him. That’s almost worse than if he had come with us. “Just relax here for a few minutes. You don’t have too long before work. Have a glass of wine.”

  “You know I can’t drink before work.” Tyler glances at the window. “Or before dark. You really don’t mind if I just hang here?”

  “Of course not.” Zia grins widely. “I’ll be right back.”

  Following her down the stairs, I’m focusing on every detail of her outfit. She’s wearing jeans and a pink button-down shirt under her jacket. The shirt was wrinkled when she sat up. Was that from wearing it around the house or were they making out on the couch before I got there? She worked this morning, so she can’t have been wearing it long enough to wrinkle.

  I feel sick as I slide into the passenger seat of her car. She gives me a passing smile as she buckles her seat belt and starts the car. We are halfway down the block before she speaks.

  “You could have texted, I would have picked you up.”

  “This wasn’t exactly why I was stopping by.” I let the bitterness shine through in my words. “I didn’t expect Tyler to be there.”

  She glances my way, hair falling over her face. “He stops by before work when he can. If our schedules work out.”

  I nod, staring out the window. “I don’t suppose you told him about us?”

  “Molly.” Zia sighs as we come to
a stop at a red light. She doesn’t look my way. “It’s not that easy.”

  “Seemed to come pretty natural last night.” We roll forward after the light changes.

  “What do you want me to do? Say ‘Hey, Tyler. Thanks for being there for me, but I’ve been messing around with this girl for a while and I think that’s looking better right now’? Is that what you want me to do?”

  “If it’s true.” Even if it isn’t true, I want her to say it because I want it to be true.

  She sighs again. “I’m not a lesbian.”

  “You keep saying that, but if that’s true, then what’s going on with us? Are you bi?”

  “I don’t fucking know.” Zia scowls. “I don’t know what to tell you, except that being with you is easy. When you aren’t begging me to break up with my boyfriend, you’re a lot of fun, and what we do together has been fun.”

  “I feel like we keep having this argument over and over.” I shake my head. I can feel tears pricking at the back of my eyes, but I refuse to cry.

  “So stop asking and let’s just enjoy it.” Zia tries to take my hand, but I pull it away.

  We’re silent for the rest of the drive. I take deep breaths, promising myself that I’m going to be calm by the time we get to my house. I do a pretty good job, and when she pulls into my empty driveway, I’m able to look at her without feeling like crying.

  “Do you want to hang out tomorrow?”

  Zia looks away. “It’s Tyler’s day off, we have plans.”

  I nod, feeling the tears again. I reach for the door handle. When I feel Zia’s hand on my arm, I stop and look back at her. She glances around the driveway.

  “Anyone home?”

  “No.” I squint questioningly at her. She grins and leans forward, stopping with her lips still an inch from mine. I lick my lips, frozen with my hand still on the door. “What are you doing?”

  “Seeing if you still want to kiss me,” she says in a low voice that makes my stomach turn with desire.

  I loop a finger between two buttons on her shirt and use it to pull her closer. Our lips touch and I can almost forget why I was mad. My fingers trail up her neck and into her hair. She shifts closer and I feel a gentle hand at my waist. It feels very warm through my shirt. My free hand reaches for her waist and I find the bare skin under her shirt.