The 9 Arts of Spiritual Conversations

by Mary Schaller

  Our prayer must not be self-centered. It must arise not only because we feel our own need as a burden which we must lay upon God, but also because we are so bound up in love for our fellow men that we feel their need as acutely as our own. To make intercession for men is the most powerful and practical way in which we can express our love for them.[29]

  In John 17, Jesus modeled praying purposefully. He first prayed for his immediate circle of followers, who were within earshot, for their future protection and unity. Then he widened the circle of prayer to include everyone who would eventually turn to God through him for salvation:

  My prayer is not for [the disciples] alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me.

  JOHN 17:20-21

  He prayed with purpose for unity and faith among his followers, both for their own sake and for the sake of a watching world that would see God through the transformation of those who followed him. As Jesus faced the Cross, the deepest, most passionate prayer of his heart was wrapped up in those who would one day believe in him. When we intercede for people who have not yet come to trust in Jesus, we are not only opening our hearts in a new way to those people; we are also drawing close to the deepest desire of God’s heart—and to God himself.

  As we seek to pray more and more purposefully for those we know who are disinterested in matters of faith, we can look to Scripture for specific guidance for our prayers:

  Pray for openness to know the truth (2 Corinthians 4:4-6; 1 Timothy 2:3-5).

  Ask God to shine his light in people’s hearts so they will come to recognize the truth.

  Pray for receptivity to God’s grace (Romans 3:23-24; Titus 3:4-7).

  Salvation is a free gift, but we must receive it to experience it. You likely know people who are full of pride or who feel unforgivable. Pray that they will come to recognize God’s greatness and goodness, his unconditional love, and his forgiveness that takes care of our sins and failures.

  Pray for heartfelt conviction of sin (John 16:8-11; 1 Thessalonians 1:4-5).

  The Holy Spirit convicts people of their imperfection in relationship to God. You can pray specifically that the not-yet-Christians whom you know will pay attention to the work of God’s Spirit as he points out where sin exists in their minds, words, and actions.

  Pray for genuine steps of repentance (2 Corinthians 7:10).

  Pray that the spiritual explorers you know will humbly turn toward God—and away from the destructive clutches of sin—as God faithfully draws them to himself. Pray that they will feel the life-giving conviction brought by the Spirit, rather than the crushing self-loathing that comes from guilt and shame incited by the enemy.

  Pray for deep spiritual roots in Christ (John 15:5; Colossians 2:6-7).

  When a person you care about is on the edge of becoming a follower of Christ, pray that the decision will be reinforced by complete surrender and stable faith. Pray specifically for his or her love of God to be nurtured by engaging in his Word, through prayer, and through relationships with other Jesus followers.

  Pray for God’s love to be clearly experienced (1 John 4:7-10, 19-21).

  Pray that people you know will feel the need to give and receive sincere love, and that they would clearly experience the love of God in a way that will help them trust in Jesus.

  Making Prayer a Priority

  When it comes to loving people toward Jesus, prayer is not optional. It is the primary way we will shift from relying on our strength to relying on God’s power in our spiritual engagements, and it’s the means by which our efforts actually become spiritually effective. In Prayer: Finding the Heart’s True Home, Richard Foster writes about the practice of intercessory prayer and how it flows first from a spirit of genuine humility and compassion: “If we truly love people, we will desire for them far more than it is within our power to give them, and this will lead us to prayer.”[30] When we realize that on our own we cannot provide people with what they really need, prayer will surface as our only viable alternative.

  Setting aside regular times in our schedules and being diligent to keep “prayer appointments” with God are beneficial commitments. We can each choose to make prayer a priority and to use this powerful spiritual weapon that God provides. Yet prayer is not a priority arising from stark obligation; it is a priority based in love. Our best intentions to go to God on behalf of people who are separated from him will only take us so far. Only love can move us to carve out dedicated time to pray in a targeted way.

  To take this further, our motivation—why we pray—may very well be as important as what we pray. How effective will our requests be if they come from a place of pride, obligation, or contempt? When praying for spiritual movement in people’s lives, we must remember that the subject of our prayers is a real person, not a project. As our hearts align with God’s heart and we start praying in accordance with what matters most to him, our God-honoring prayers will move both the people we pray for and us—believers who can help.

  Praying for Workers

  When Jesus came face-to-face with the masses of people who were experiencing life without hope, his heart broke for them. The apostle Matthew records his reaction: “When [Jesus] saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd” (Matthew 9:36). Jesus’ concern for the people was not just a passing response to a pitiful situation. Love compelled Jesus in everything he did. Deeply moved, Jesus looked at all the people who were still separated from the Father, and he commanded his followers to invest their hearts—not just their time and talents—and pray for more Kingdom workers: “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field” (9:37-38). This was probably not the first thing on the minds of the disciples, but in the face of such great need, praying for workers was what Jesus said to do.

  According to Jesus, when we pray, people are stirred to get God’s good news out. Then the “few workers” are joined by many more—most likely just ordinary people, all bringing in the harvest. Our own hearts will also be kindled with a new love for those who don’t know God. Imagine: While you’re praying for more workers, you just might be the answer to someone’s request for a worker to be available!

  The Tipping Point

  Everything has a first cause. It’s a law of nature. For a movement to begin, it has to start somewhere. Think of Rosa Parks. Nelson Mandela. Jackie Robinson.

  Two ordinary men are mentioned rather offhandedly at the end of Paul’s letters. They are virtually unknown among Christians, and yet their surrender to Jesus was a pivotal tipping point resulting in a tectonic shift for their cultures:

  Greet my dear friend Epenetus. He was the first person from the province of Asia to become a follower of Christ.

  ROMANS 16:5, NLT

  You know that Stephanas and his household were the first of the harvest of believers in Greece, and they are spending their lives in service to God’s people.

  1 CORINTHIANS 16:15, NLT

  Epenetus was the first spark of a Jesus movement in Asia Minor. Stephanas was the first domino of a Jesus revolution in Greece. They do not have celebrity status in the Bible, but they are each the starting point of the powerful work that God did in their cultures. The good news of Jesus would later sweep through both of these geographical areas, transforming their societies and the lives of millions.

  Imagine Epenetus on the early church’s prayer list. Picture the followers of the Way circled in prayer, interceding for Stephanus. Envision the joy surging through the early disciples when God’s Spirit moved and Epenetus and Stephanus chose to follow Jesus.

  What if God’s Spirit swept through my block and yours? Who is the Stephanas who could lead the way for every household on my block to experience the love of Jesus? Who is the Epenetus who will
launch the transformation of those families and extended families?

  Maybe it’s time for all of us to ask the Lord of the Harvest to raise up the workers and to bring a harvest in our domains. Will you pray with me for the first domino to tip in your spheres of influence? For the Epenetus at your office? For the Stephanas at your school or in your neighborhood? For an awakening to begin that sparks a movement?

  That’s what I am praying for.

  Discover

  Why do you think we commonly forget to pray for someone before we start talking with them about God?

  Describe a time when you were moved to pray for an unbelieving family member, friend, or stranger. What caused you to start praying? How has prayer changed the way you relate to that person?

  Practice

  Pull out the list of names you put together at the end of chapter 1—people you feel God might be calling you to engage with in meaningful conversations. Set a challenging but attainable goal to pray at a consistent time for these people who do not yet have a relationship with Jesus. Share your list with at least one other person who can encourage you, pray alongside you, and hold you accountable.

  Over the next week, commit at least five minutes each day to ask God three questions about someone on your list: Where are you already at work in this person’s life? What does he or she need right now? How can I invite this person to experience Jesus in a fresh way?

  CHAPTER 5

  THE ART OF LISTENING

  My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.

  JAMES 1:19

  Listening is such a simple act. It requires us to be present, and that takes practice, but we don’t have to do anything else. We don’t have to advise, or coach, or sound wise. We just have to be willing to sit there and listen.

  MARGARET J. WHEATLEY

  YEARS AGO, my buddy Dave and I (Crilly) invited several spiritual explorers to discuss their tough questions about God and the Bible. This was the first time we had tried anything like this, and we had no idea what we were doing or how we would respond to their questions. We just knew these people were looking for a place to have this important spiritual discussion, and we were willing to show up and try.

  We gathered in the home of one of the participants on a weekly basis. We had not been meeting for long when one evening, a group participant named Eileen (not her real name) raised the “hell” question. She asked, “Do people really go to hell if they don’t follow Jesus? That seems awfully harsh for a loving God.” Everything was a blur from that point on. Without asking any further questions or listening for what God might be whispering to us, Dave and I launched into a tag-team explanation of hell—and, while we were at it, we covered sin and eternal damnation, too.

  We used lots and lots of words and lots and lots of passion. Unfortunately, we were unaware of our relational impact and did not pick up on the group’s nonverbal cues as they became quiet and withdrawn, eyes focused down at the carpet. At the beginning of our monologue, some people offered differing opinions and counterarguments. But we had gained a head of steam and were determined not to let their opinions interfere with our speaking the truth! By the end of our hellfire-and-brimstone lecture, the room was filled with tearful and angry people. The group departed from the apartment that night, and Eileen never returned.

  A few months later, we were talking to another group participant, Eileen’s friend Cathy. Cathy informed us of the backstory: Eileen’s mother had been diagnosed with cancer. In desperation, she made a pilgrimage to the healing shrine in Lourdes, France. Unfortunately, on the return flight home, she died. Can you imagine how gut-wrenching that must have been for Eileen? Then, a short time before our group began meeting, Eileen’s father, her sister, and a family friend were leaving an airport in their private plane when something went wrong and the plane crashed, killing all three occupants. Horrific! Eileen was greatly grieved about their deaths and the possibility that they might be in hell.

  With this insight, Dave and I immediately felt both profound sadness for Eileen and anguish because we realized that her question about hell had other layers below the surface. I deeply regretted that we had not stopped, sent a prayer up to God, listened empathetically, and asked a few more questions to try to understand Eileen’s perspective—all instead of giving a homily on hell. I learned the wisdom of Proverbs 18:13: “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.”

  Our error was that we did not listen and then ask clarifying questions to understand the nature of Eileen’s question—that is, what were the questions behind her question? Why did she want to understand where people go when they die? What did she believe about hell and about Jesus?

  I could have responded differently. Maybe I could have validated the importance of her question and suggested we talk about it privately. Maybe I could have honored her courage to ask such a big question and assured the group that we would tackle that topic in the future, after we had some time to build more trust.

  Instead, we answered before listening. I didn’t bother to seek to understand Eileen. I had an agenda to convince her of the truth, and I didn’t check with God to see if that aligned with his plan for her that night. As Bono of U2 sings, “It’s hard to listen while you preach.”[31] Many spiritual topics, like the topic of hell, are emotionally charged for a spiritual explorer and worthy of gentle handling, not a data-dump lecture. This was a hard lesson to learn.

  Have you ever answered before listening? If you have, I am sure you are familiar with the feeling of regret I experienced. Have you ever been in a conversation when others did not listen to you? Honestly, it can be quite irritating. You speak and they interrupt. You present your perspective and they load up for their rebutting ambush. You talk and they finish your sentence. You share a challenge you are experiencing and they try to diagnose and fix you. It’s so frustrating, yet we all do it at times.

  But Jesus gave us a different way of behaving. He taught us how to truly listen. He was deeply attentive to the expert in the law who tried to justify himself by asking, “Who is my neighbor?” (Luke 10:29). He understood the most important needs of the paralyzed man (Matthew 9:1-7), pronouncing him forgiven of his sins before healing him. He dialed in to the Samaritan woman’s questions and rejoinders and saw her heart during the discussion in John 4:7-26.

  Imagine the scene in Mark 5:21-34 as if it were a Hollywood movie. Jesus arrives in town and is swarmed by a crowd. Jairus, an important community leader, rushes up to Jesus and begs him to come heal his young daughter, who is dying. As Jesus sets out, the people press in on all sides.

  In the midst of this urgent moment, a subplot emerges: a hemorrhaging woman in the crowd. This Jewish woman has endured over a decade of social isolation because of her illness. She has spent everything she has on painful, ineffective treatments, and now she puts all her faith in Jesus by simply touching his cloak. She reaches out. Suddenly Jesus stops and asks, “Who touched me?”

  Luke’s Gospel reports that Jesus felt power going out of him. He looks around to see who touched him. Mark’s account says that the woman came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth.

  Here is the amazing part. Despite the important assignment Jesus was on, he stopped and listened to a sick, ostracized woman. His care for her went beyond her physical healing, and he took time to hear her story, to listen to “the whole truth” about her. That was genuine listening.

  Stop Stealing Stories

  In Garth Stein’s novel The Art of Racing in the Rain, the narrator—a dog named Enzo—wryly observes, “I never deflect the course of the conversation with a comment of my own. People, if you pay attention to them, change the direction of one another’s conversations constantly.” He then gives wise counsel (especially for a dog): “Pretend you are a dog like me and listen to other people rather than steal their stories.”[32]

  Everyone has a story to tell, and every story is a p
art of God’s story. I want to stop stealing people’s stories and start listening to them instead. I bet you do, too. I want to follow the wisdom of the earliest Jesuit missionaries, who made it a point to enter new locations and not speak for six months. Instead, they listened. These missionaries recognized the importance of understanding people and not pushing their own agendas.[33] That type of listening requires a long-term mindset.

  Each of us enters into a new relationship, workplace, neighborhood, or dorm as a missionary for Jesus Christ. For us, remaining completely silent for the first six months is probably not the most helpful approach, but the point is that many of us feel uncomfortable with silence, ambiguity, or doubt. We are especially uneasy about unanswered spiritual questions. As children and adults, we were trained to give solutions, and we received praise for the right answers—whether they were for math problems in the classroom, Scripture verses in Sunday school, or defenses of biblical truth in public discourse. However, a good listener can handle unresolved emotion or unanswered questions. He or she can leave them as they are for the time being, confident that, in the marketplace of ideas, God’s truth will reign.

  When we surrender our desire to be experts and our need to resolve differences immediately, we’ll see huge barriers to listening dissolve. This is so important because getting to the best answers usually happens through a process of discovering for yourself—and it requires patience to allow that discovery to unfold for someone else. When we give people space to arrive at their own answers, to sort out the questions in their own minds and at their own speed, the result is worth the wait. We may know the answer, but sometimes people don’t really want our answer. They want a friend. Listening is an opportunity for each of us to grow in self-control—an underdeveloped quality in our culture and a powerful fruit of the Spirit in our lives.