The 9 Arts of Spiritual Conversations

by Mary Schaller

  Developing Curiosity

  Unfortunately, many Christians miss the golden opportunities for follow-up questions because they fail to allow their God-given curiosity to emerge. When we listen actively enough to stir up new areas of curiosity, the description of Proverbs 20:5 can begin to become the reality for us: “The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.” When we verbally express our curiosity about what’s important to people (their lives, careers, family, and so on), we create an open, safe, and nonjudgmental forum for authentic dialogue. Our questions invite people to search for answers and naturally stimulate them to discover the condition, plans, and purposes of their own hearts.

  The cost of curiosity is that we must give up our need to control conversations. Curiosity starts when we unleash our God-given wonder to ponder what we’re noticing and hearing. Like the swinging of a pendulum, a good balance of listening and curiosity helps a conversation move along naturally. If we are listening well, our wonder begins to percolate. If we are curious, we’ll get plenty of opportunities to listen. As we continue to use these two qualities, only God knows where the conversation might lead.

  The good news from this chapter is that high-quality listening emerges through skills that can be learned and practiced. It begins when we act out of genuine care for other people and become curious about their stories and their spiritual journeys. And it continues to improve as we practice listening with our whole self, connect relationally, and ask follow-up questions that lead to greater understanding.

  Imagine a world where followers of Jesus are known for being great listeners and learners, with the courage and willingness to engage others. Maybe we are just one listening moment away from a meaningful conversation about God with someone who would never darken the doorway of a church. It’s worth listening for, isn’t it?

  Discover

  Would those who know you well call you a good listener? Why or why not?

  Why do you think it is hard for us to refrain from giving advice or from having an agenda when we talk with someone?

  Practice

  Refrain from giving advice for a week. Then think about what it was like to listen and participate in a conversation without offering any suggestions about what others should do. What was their response?

  Take a sixty-second survey with three people to practice genuine listening. Set it up by simply explaining, “I have a homework assignment to conduct a one-minute survey by asking someone four questions. Would you be willing to help me with it?” Here are the four survey questions: What is the difference between spirituality and religion?

  Which spiritual person do you most admire?

  What would you say to Christians if they would listen?

  Has anyone ever tried to “save” you?

  The point is to listen and value someone’s opinion, not editorialize. Say thank you and let them go without responding.

  THE NEXT GROUPING of The 9 Arts of Spiritual Conversations is called Getting Started. These three practices create the engaging, safe, and welcoming environment in which spiritual conversations can thrive and God’s love can be on display through you. Like a thermostat that sets the temperature of your home, curiosity, love, and hospitality generate an atmosphere that can thaw a cold heart and invite people to freely explore God’s truth without judgment or argument. These Arts include Asking Questions, Loving, and Welcoming.

  CHAPTER 6

  THE ART OF ASKING QUESTIONS

  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus.

  PHILIPPIANS 2:3-5

  [Curiosity] is not the same as gathering information. Curiosity is a different way of discovering. . . . When you are curious, you are no longer in the role of expert. Instead, you are . . . exploring [the] world with others, not superimposing your world on theirs.

  HENRY KIMSEY-HOUSE

  FIVE YOUNG MEN were crammed into my (Crilly’s) pickup truck. We had just enjoyed some burgers, the music was blaring, and we were talking and laughing loudly above the noise. As I mentioned earlier, over several years’ time I had developed a relationship with these young Bantu refugee men. You will recall from chapter 2 that our relationship began when I showed up as a volunteer tutor for them in reading and math, and it quickly morphed into a mentoring friendship. I love these boys, now ages sixteen to twenty-one, and I long for them to know Jesus as Messiah and Lord. Through the years, individually and collectively, we have had profound conversations about life, God, and faith.

  We have very different life experiences and faith stories. I was raised in an Irish Catholic middle-class family of four outside of Chicago. They were Muslims raised in Kenyan refugee camps, fleeing tribal violence in their homeland. They boarded a plane in T-shirts and flip-flops and arrived in a new country in the dead of winter carrying all their belongings in a bag. We had hardly anything in common. But because of God, our lives have been divinely woven together as our God of Love pursues each one of these young men.

  As we were driving along, one of the boys mentioned something about prayer.

  Following a whisper from God and stirred by curiosity, I turned down the radio and asked, “How does a Muslim pray?”

  The relational dynamic changed as soon as I asked that question. I wasn’t only these young men’s tutor/mentor/adult friend in a position of status above them; I was also a person who was interested in learning from them. They were empowered to guide the conversation and share as much or as little as they wanted. They were in control of the discussion.

  They started the conversation by telling me about the five “salats” of each day, with each one chiming in as I listened intently. I was fascinated and asked follow-up questions to clarify my understanding and seek to know their lives better. Their experiences were utterly foreign to me. The discussion was rich, as I was able to demonstrate my love for them by hearing their story, learning about their religion, and exploring their world with them.

  Then an amazing thing happened.

  As we arrived in my driveway, one of them asked me, “How does a Christian pray?”

  Curiosity Fuels Questions

  The Arts of Noticing, Praying, and Listening have basically been nonspeaking activities that you could practice off the radar. The Art of Asking Questions invites you to directly engage with another person and create an environment for meaningful conversation.

  To cross this invisible sound barrier, God has equipped us with curiosity. Curiosity is the bridge that moves you from listening to asking questions and fully engaging. The word curiosity comes from the Latin root cura, meaning “to care, to tend, and to heal.” When we care enough about a person or a question, we are motivated to know more, understand better, explore deeper. Curiosity, as it relates to relationships, is the humble, sincere interest to know more about another person and his or her thoughts, beliefs, passions, and doubts. As Christians who desire to engage in authentic spiritual conversations, if we can intentionally tap into this God-given bent toward curiosity, we may have the key to discovering excellent questions—questions that communicate to someone how much we really care.

  We are not all-knowing and won’t always grasp the right question to ask at the right time. If we adopt a policy of peppering our interactions with questions without regard to the reason behind them, our approach can become just as tiresome as monopolizing a conversation. We face the danger of giving our questions an invasive edge that could kill a conversation—or a relationship. But curiosity is a gift that can open the door for questions that are a perfect fit.

  We are hard-wired by our awesome Creator to be naturally interested in learning more about people and his creation. That curiosity is the rocket fuel that launches us into the world of discovery. In the land of curiosity, we give up the notion that we must have all the
answers. We return to a humble mind-set in which asking, seeking, and knocking are normal. Curiosity helps us move into spiritual conversations authentically, without canned or awkward transitions. After a conversation is started, curiosity is the lubricant that keeps it going.

  The brilliant scientist Albert Einstein said:

  The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existence. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery each day. Never lose a holy curiosity.[45]

  “Holy” curiosity is an interesting way to say it. Holy curiosity toward another person involves choice. We choose to notice people, allow them to matter to us, and extend love to them. Motivated by this love in the context of a relationship—and with God’s guidance—curiosity fuels our ability to ask good questions.

  Curiosity focuses our attention on the other person, not ourselves. It reduces our fear of not asking the right question, saying the right thing, or having the right answer. At the end of the day, the reason curiosity has so much potential is because everybody is curious. We all experience emotions like awe, admiration, wonderment, fascination, surprise, astonishment, and amazement.

  Proverbs teaches, “Wise men and women are always learning, always listening for fresh insights” (Proverbs 18:15, MSG). But now, perhaps more than ever, our curiosity is hindered by self-preoccupation, selfish pursuits, busyness, and distractions that lead to apathy about the people around us. Once again, it is the apostle Paul’s direction to early Christians that calibrates us as twenty-first-century followers of Jesus:

  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

  In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus.

  PHILIPPIANS 2:3-5

  Just as Jesus put others’ needs above his own, we are called to be interested in others—not for our own sake, but for theirs. This also means that as we tap into our Spirit-led curiosity during a conversation, we will ask questions that are fitting for the moment rather than questions that feel too invasive for the level of connection we have already had in a relationship.

  The Natural Order of Curiosity

  Scott West heads up a large consulting group that helps financial advisors connect better with their clients. He has discovered, based on research, something called the Natural Order of Curiosity. This is not a rigid structure intended to be formulaic; rather, it’s an intuitive process for building deep relationships. The idea is that as we meet and begin to learn about another person, our mutual inquiry will naturally follow a path that includes four categories. When we move through these areas and are mindful of them, we can have conversations that are not invasive but comfortable and appropriate.

  HISTORY (“WHERE ARE YOU FROM?”)

  The first category of questions is History. These questions are about your past and where you have come from. Asking history questions is instinctive when you first meet people, but if you spend a few minutes in this area, you can learn so much more than just their birthplace or schooling. Getting beyond initial introductions, you can express continued curiosity with casual phrases such as “I couldn’t help noticing . . . ,” “I’m wondering . . . ,” or “I’m curious . . .” Curiosity displayed here can reveal significant experiences, both good and bad.

  Examples: “So where are you from?” “What did you like most about living there?” (When it is appropriate in the context of a growing relationship, you might be able to ask questions such as “What’s your faith background?” “What were your best (or worst) experiences with church, religion, or Christians?” or “Who most influenced your views on God?”)

  TRANSITIONS (“WHERE ARE YOU NOW?”)

  When you have a common frame of reference and have shared an understanding of each other’s history, Transition questions are appropriate. These questions are focused on where you are at this moment. Lives are always in motion, and this area of inquiry can identify what is most important in someone’s life right now. You can think of these as “let’s get caught up” questions.

  Example: “What’s going on with you/your kids/your job/your life lately?”

  PRINCIPLES (“HOW DID YOU GET HERE?”)

  The third category of questions is easy to miss. Once you become aware of Principles questions, though, your curiosity can lead you to a much deeper connection with people. These questions seek to discover the principles on which a person builds his or her perspective. Principles can be deeply held convictions based on life experiences that shape our outlook on life and the decisions we make.

  Examples: “How did you get to the place you are in life?” “Why did you go into your job field?” “Who is the spiritual person you most admire?” “Whom do you rely on for life or spiritual advice?”

  GOALS (“WHERE ARE YOU GOING?”)

  The final category is Goals. These questions are forward looking and visionary, asking, “How do you want things to be?” The key point here is that goals are not explored until the three prior areas have been discovered.

  Examples: “What do you want your faith to look like?” “If you had a million dollars to give to a charity, which one would you want to help and why?” “What is your expectation of life after death?”

  Some traditional outreach approaches have prompted Christians to ask questions that leap quickly to the Goals category without building the relational equity of the other categories. While that approach may have been successful in the past or might work in unique circumstances today, our gut sense as ordinary Christians has often been that something doesn’t feel right about using that approach in our culture with people we don’t know well. For example, if we ask, “What is your expectation of life after death?” or “Where will you go when you die?” shortly after meeting someone, the person is likely to feel that the question is rude and out of line. Our haste may sabotage both a conversation and a relationship.

  On the other hand, when we follow the natural order of curiosity in our conversations with people, the level of connection grows, trust is built, and the ultimate questions of life fit into an appropriate place and time. We get to ask these important questions in a way that will be received and seriously considered, not quickly rejected as obtuse.

  Good Questions Build Connection

  Asking questions from genuine interest builds connection. Connection builds trust. Trust is the bridge that can bear the weight of truth.

  Asking appropriate questions invites interaction, showing that you want a relationship rather than an audience. It demonstrates that you value that relationship enough to seek to understand more, to hear another opinion or perspective. Respectful, honoring questions provide people the freedom to choose whether to respond and how much to respond. They also give people the opportunity to wrestle with the truth about life, themselves, and God.

  In Mark 10 we read a remarkable exchange between Jesus and Bartimaeus. Jesus was walking out of Jericho in the middle of a clamoring crowd. Bartimaeus, a blind man, was sitting beside the road shouting for Jesus’ attention over the din. Others told him to be quiet. But when Jesus heard him, he stopped, told the people to bring the blind man over, and asked him, “What do you want me to do for you?” (10:51). In this brief interaction, Jesus didn’t ask many questions, or even a particularly profound question. His question was simple, but the entire scene reveals that it came from a heart of great love for this man.

  First, Jesus was attentive; he heard the cry of Bartimaeus over the crowd’s noise. Second, even though the crowd rebuked and disregarded Bartimaeus, Jesus put all of his plans on hold in order to stop and connect with him. Third, Jesus responded in a way that showed that Bartimaeus was not a project but a valued person. Rather than just assuming that this man wanted to be able to see, Jesus asked a
question that allowed Bartimaeus the dignity of communicating what he most desired—and in that moment, Bartimaeus also was given the chance to reveal his faith in Jesus.

  As authors Jedd Medefind and Erik Lokkesmoe put it,

  Something remarkable happened to people when Jesus—the self-proclaimed answer—began asking questions [over 150 of them are recorded in the Gospels]. . . . [Jesus] invited others to participate in the activity of discovery, to take hold of truth for themselves. . . . His questions invited listeners to embark on a search, candle in hand, rummaging through the attic of their minds for an adequate answer. . . . Jesus’ questions were also decisively clarifying. They penetrated to the heart of the matter, peeling back layer after layer of what appeared to be the real issues so as to address what in all actually was the real issue.[46]

  When Jesus approached people who were spiritually confused or struggling with what they believed, he asked them questions, often jumping right to the heart of the issue. Jesus seemed comfortable when he was asking questions. But today I wonder whether we, as Christians, are more comfortable with answers than questions. Often we miss the importance of both asking good questions and listening to questions; sometimes, we treat them like they’re dangerous.

  We can encourage those who believe differently to be open about their questions too. Two buddies and I (Crilly) decided to bring on the questions. We pulled together some friends in our neighborhood who had a variety of beliefs about God. The idea was to create a safe environment where this group of guys could explore together and ask their questions about God. On the night of our initial get-together, eleven of us sat in my living room. Three of us were followers of Jesus, and the other eight guys just agreed to show up.