The 9 Arts of Spiritual Conversations

by Mary Schaller

  All we did was ask questions. We started with a few simple icebreakers, and then we asked, “If you could ask God one question, and you knew he would answer, what would you ask him?”

  For the next hour, their questions came flying: “Why couldn’t you have made things more clear?” “Why forgive people who do terrible evil?” “What’s the end game?” “What’s life all about?” “Why punish people for all of eternity for the decisions made in this short life?” As we listened to their questions, we also asked why each question was significant to them.

  One of the guys, Dan, had sat quietly for most of the night, so one of my partners, Jeff, invited him into the discussion. “Hey, Dan, we’ve never seen you this quiet. What’s going on?”

  Dan replied, “I guess I do have a question, but I have to tell you a story first.” He proceeded to tell us about when he was a young teacher and played basketball with some other teachers after school on Fridays. One Friday when he wasn’t there, one of his friends, a teacher named Bob, had a heart attack and died on the gym floor. A few weeks later, Dan developed a pain in his side, so he started taking antacids and eventually pain relievers. This went on for two weeks with no real improvement.

  One night, he woke up at 3 a.m. from a vivid dream of his friend Bob telling him to get up and go to the hospital. He listened, driving over in great pain. When he got there and the ER staff scanned his abdomen, they found a massive blood clot. The doctors were surprised that he was still alive. Dan concluded his story: “That night, I believe that God saved my life by sending me a sign. My question is, how many other signs have I missed? How can I learn to see God’s signs more clearly?”

  Dan’s question prompted all of us to go on a God hunt—looking for where God was already at work in our lives. That is the power of questions.

  Questions help to uncover people’s hearts and expose the things that stand between them and God. Questions also create an arena for dialogue where Christians and those who believe differently can ponder life and its mysteries together. When we ask a question, we place others at the center of a conversation, and many people find this refreshing and irresistible. Questions help others process and own their decisions. They also help people rethink deeply rooted assumptions and probe unexamined motives and values. Good questions invite people to look in the mirror, wrestle with what they believe, and search for dependable, solid, proven answers.

  Humble Inquiry

  Culminating fifty years of research as a social and organizational psychologist, Edgar Schein, professor emeritus at the MIT Sloan School of Business, discovered that asking questions is the key to building positive relationships. Schein labels this way of asking “humble inquiry,” the gentle art of asking instead of telling. He defines humble inquiry as “the fine art of drawing someone out, of asking questions to which you do not already know the answer, of building a relationship based on curiosity and interest in the other person.”[47]

  We have to be honest about the unconscious bias we all have about asking questions. It can be scary because we live in a “telling” culture—a society that values knowing the answer, giving advice, having it all together, being the expert. Even if we are open to asking questions, we want them to be the “right” questions. We say, “No question is a stupid question,” and then we secretly judge a lot of questions as stupid. Asking questions can be interpreted as exposing my ignorance or weakness, and that feels like a high relational risk.

  Asking questions requires humility and vulnerability, but it doesn’t have to be intimidating. I love the term that Schein uses to describe our posture about asking questions—he suggests that I “access my ignorance” and allow curiosity to lead me. This is a liberating way of thinking about question asking. I do not have all the answers, so I can be free to access my ignorance and humbly ask a question. Although Schein was focused on communication complexities in the work environment, his research reinforces that asking questions creates a safe climate for building trust, mutual respect, and relational equity.

  Joseph Grenny and David Maxfield, known as the Behavioral Science Guys, are acclaimed speakers, authors, and experts in the area of behavioral change. They did a simple study on the power of asking questions as opposed to telling information in order to change behavior. They discovered that asking questions has far greater motivational influence than offering more information.

  For their test on the influential power of questions, Grenny and Maxfield targeted a notoriously difficult behavior to change—cigarette smoking. A typical approach to getting someone to quit smoking is to provide them with information about its harmful impact. Think about the scary public-service announcements with the image of the wrinkled old woman on oxygen, the Surgeon General’s warning labels on a pack of cigarettes—none of these seem to deter people from smoking.

  The Behavioral Science Guys set up a way to test the impact of “telling” versus “asking.” For their test they hired two young boys of around ten to twelve years old as their accomplices. In the first attempt, the boys approached people smoking in public and tried to get them to consider quitting by using a “telling” approach. After telling the smokers that “smoking is bad for you,” they would ask the smokers whether they’d like information on how to quit. Ninety percent responded negatively, and fewer than half took the information pamphlet on how to quit.

  For the second experiment, each boy had a fake cigarette in hand and approached the smokers, asking for a light. The smokers’ reactions were fascinating. Not one smoker offered the young boys a light. Instead, the smokers began lecturing the kids on the dangers of smoking!

  Then, as part of the test, the boys asked the smokers a second powerful question: “If you care about us, what about you?” In this “asking” approach, 90 percent of the smokers told the boys they would try to quit! Isn’t that interesting?

  I know what you are wondering: Did the smokers really quit? Well, the study did not provide that information. However, according to Grenny and Maxfield, “when Ogilvy & Mather conducted the experiment in Bangkok, calls to the quit line actually went up 40 percent on the day of the experiment,” suggesting a strong correlation between intentions and actions as a result of the test.[48] The bottom line is that questions can be a powerful tool to influence transformation in a person’s life.

  Characteristics of Good Questions

  Asking good questions doesn’t mean firing a barrage of inquiries at someone or using a canned formula. Instead, good questions are combined with good listening. The goal is to help people feel safe and heard, not attacked or like a “project.” As we listen, we also gain more insight into who they are and where they’re coming from, spurring curiosity and follow-up questions. Here are five characteristics of good questions:

  Good questions originate from curiosity and a genuine interest in another person.

  Good questions are open-ended. Use classic openers such as who, what, why, and how.

  Good questions are concise. Don’t ramble; end at the question mark and then listen.

  Good questions don’t come out of nowhere. They connect with what’s being discussed and move the conversation forward.

  Good questions help people feel safe and understood. After others speak, rephrase what they said to be sure you understood their response, and give them a chance to correct you if you didn’t.

  Good questions help people in the process of self-discovery and God-discovery. For example, a great question to ask is, “How do you think God might have been active in that?” This invites people to consider how God may actually have been present in the story they are telling about themselves. This might be a stretch for a non-Christian, but it helps people to pay attention to what he or she might be doing in the present as well.

  It’s tempting to ask questions just to get people to give us the “right answer” and then move on. But a spiritual conversation is a dialogue—a two-way exchange. To that end, often the best questions are follow-up questions. When we invite someone to
tell us something or share an opinion, we should not move on too quickly. Instead, we can ask questions to clarify, get more details, or have the person elaborate on emotions: “How did that make you feel?” or “Wow, can you tell me more about that?” Avoid follow-up questions that sound accusatory: “How on earth can you think that?” or “Why would anyone do such a thing?”

  Practices to Avoid

  Remember that a question is something that you do not have the answer to yet. When we ask questions designed to lead someone to agree to our belief, people typically resent the feeling of being “set up.” To create good questions, avoid these practices:

  Don’t primarily use yes/no or multiple-choice questions. They tend to kill a conversation.

  Don’t ask leading, coercive, or cornering questions. For example, rather than asking, “Why don’t you believe in God when there’s so much overwhelming evidence he exists?” you could say, “God is very real to me, and yet at times I have doubts. I’m wondering what doubts you might have.” Ask yourself, Does this question have an agenda, or does it show sincere willingness to understand the life, worldview, perspective, and beliefs of this person?

  Don’t correct a person’s response to your question with the “right” answer, but allow him or her the space to discover the truth as you pray and trust the Holy Spirit to work.

  Don’t ask and then answer your own question. For example: “Why did you stop going to church? Was it the boring sermons?”

  Don’t fill the silence after your question. Enjoy the pause! For example, don’t keep adding to your question with pile-on phrases like, “Would you like to meet me for coffee next week? Or maybe you are too busy? Is next week too soon? Would you like to call me instead of deciding right now?”

  Don’t ask formulaic questions. People can tell when they are the recipients of canned questions or a rehearsed approach. Be natural and winsome and consider the context.

  Discovering the Story

  Good questions allow people to discover—or rediscover—themselves and uncover new truths. Good questions show that we care enough to be curious. And true curiosity—genuine interest in a person and his or her story—flows from the conviction that each person’s life matters. Being authentically curious about someone’s thoughts and opinions can create a bond of trust that allows more significant conversations to grow. Good questions can also help people wrestle with their beliefs about God.

  A not-for-profit organization called StoryCorps provides Americans of all backgrounds and beliefs with the opportunity to record, share, and preserve the stories of their lives. This organization maintains that shared stories “remind one another of our shared humanity, strengthen and build the connections between people, teach the value of listening, and weave into the fabric of our culture the understanding that everyone’s story matters.”[49] To unearth the incredible stories buried away in the lives of people, StoryCorps asks questions. Here are a couple of examples: “What was the happiest moment of your life?” “Who has been the biggest influence on your life, and what lessons did that person teach you?”

  Every person has a story—a lifetime of experiences that have shaped them and impacted their emotions, their spiritual life (or lack thereof), and their relationships. All these little stories make up their big story. When people have some space to tell their stories, they feel loved and empowered. So if you want to show love to people, listen to their stories; to unlock their stories, ask good questions.

  When I (Mary) walked into a little storefront near my house, I had no idea that a life-changing story would unfold before me. Hal, the owner of a small video-editing and production firm, was on the phone when I walked up to the counter. He put his hand over the mouthpiece, said he’d be a few minutes, and asked whether while I was waiting I would mind reading an e-mail he was getting ready to send. He felt that his grammar and syntax needed refinement. As he turned his computer screen in my direction, I began reading a very personal e-mail to a woman he had hurt by his bad choices over the past several years. He asked for her forgiveness and wanted to see her again.

  What do you say to a complete stranger when he gives you this intimate glimpse into his life? I asked God for immediate help and wisdom. When Hal got off the phone and turned his attention to me, I responded with a simple question—I asked him to tell me more about what was going on. He explained that the woman he was writing to was his estranged grown daughter whom he hadn’t seen in many years. He’d had a messy divorce with the girl’s mother and had been banned from seeing his daughter. Now he had finally gotten clean and sober from substance abuse and wanted to make amends.

  Not knowing what else to say, I said, “It sounds like you have a God-sized problem!” He replied, “Oh, don’t mention God to me! There’s no way he’ll ever forgive me for what I have done. I can never turn to God for help.”

  Since I was asking Hal to edit a video for my ministry, I was able to tell him a little bit about what we do at Q Place, including inviting people into small groups to question, discover, and grow in their relationship with God. I asked if he would like to join a group like that, and he said yes! I put him in touch with a couple of Christian guys nearby who were starting a group, and he joined them. He obviously needed both community to work through life’s challenges and a place to figure out more about God. Within a few years, through his experience with that group, Hal chose to follow Jesus because he knew that he was forgiven and loved by God, in spite of his difficult past. He was even able to reconcile with his daughter.

  We may never know the stories of people around us unless we ask questions. Becoming a good question-asker depends on having the right heart and right motives when engaging others in conversations. We are at our best when we align our hearts and motives with our leader: the greatest question-asker ever, Jesus.

  Certainly, we as Christ followers have a message to share. But the apostle Paul, in Colossians 4:5-6, counsels us to be wise in the way we interact with outsiders, “[making] the most of every opportunity.” Our conversation should “be always full of grace, seasoned with salt.” Salt makes food appealing; it causes us to desire more. And asking good questions has the same effect in a conversation.

  Discover

  Can you recall a time when someone was sincerely curious about your life? How did you know? How did it make you feel? What was your response?

  What do you think hinders us from being curious about others?

  Practice

  Keep a log of good questions you hear this week. What made them good questions? What are some of the not-so-good questions you heard?

  Think of three questions that might open up a spiritual conversation with someone in a natural way. Try asking those questions of someone on your list of people with whom you think God may be calling you to engage. How did it turn out?

  CHAPTER 7

  THE ART OF LOVING

  Jesus replied, “‘Love the Lord your God with all of your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

  MATTHEW 22:37-39

  What we need is not intellectual theorizing or even preaching, but a demonstration. One of the most powerful ways of turning people’s loyalty to Christ is by loving others with the great love of God.

  ELTON TRUEBLOOD

  I (CRILLY) DID NOT LIKE MY GRANDMOTHER, and she did not like me. I thought she was as mean as a snake, selfish, and uncompassionate. She thought I was rude, disrespectful, and disobedient. She called me a drunk. Then, when I was twenty-two years old, Jesus got through to me and radically transformed my life.

  The apostle Paul puts that transformation into words in 2 Corinthians 5:17: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” This became my life verse after Jesus came into my life and turned it inside out. He transformed me from a discourager, who looks to identify and criticize people’s weaknesses, to an encourage
r, who looks for positive attributes to highlight in others. He changed me from a self-absorbed young man to a lover of people. Praise God for his forgiveness and his provision of a new start and a new heart—a big heart of love and compassion to replace that small, shriveled, self-centered heart of stone.

  When Jesus reclaimed my life, he changed my heart toward my grandma. I found myself becoming interested in her life. I would take her out for dinner and ask questions about her upbringing and family history. I burned with curiosity about her life experiences and her view of God. Through this growing relationship, Jesus slowly gave me the capacity to love my grandmother. He gave me a desire to be with her. He gave me a willingness to listen to her and to understand the hardships of her life—an immigrant childhood without a father, a very young marriage, an abusive husband who broke her nose, a divorce at a time when that was taboo, and many other heart-hardening trials.

  I started to have great compassion for this woman. My heart became tender toward her, even while she did not really change much. She still called me an idiot when I didn’t show up on time to pick her up. When she was in the assisted-care home, she was known for throwing punches at the nurses, and they threatened to kick her out a few times. One time, when I arrived to visit her with my wife, Danielle, she cursed at us, asking, “Where have you been and who is she?” But I still loved her because God loved her, and he had implanted his capacity to love her in me. As she came near to the end of this life, my visits consisted mostly of holding her hand and gently stroking her greasy, matted hair, telling her of the Father’s great love for her. When I left, I would whisper in her ear, “I love you, Grandma.” And I meant it.