The 9 Arts of Spiritual Conversations

by Mary Schaller

  It is only by God’s love filling us and enabling us that we will be able to freely love our peer neighbor, our less fortunate neighbor, our more fortunate neighbor, and our adversarial neighbor. But by this love, we will distinguish ourselves as followers of Jesus who live counter to the cultural norm.

  Love the Hurting

  Finally, we can’t talk about love without talking about suffering. Love means being present for people who are hurting. Lurking under the surface of many people’s veneer are grief, pain, and heartache. Jesus experienced sadness, sorrow, pain, and suffering. He chose to come down from heaven to be with us in our broken world as “Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us’” (Matthew 1:23, NLT). Jesus also entered into these emotions when other people experienced them.

  The apostle Paul reminds us to “rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15). Jesus mourned with those who mourn, modeling a loving response to grief. For example, when Jesus arrived at Bethany after his friend Lazarus had died, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled when he saw Mary and her friends weeping. Then, in grief himself, he wept. As author Peter Kreeft puts it:

  He didn’t give us a placebo or a pill or good advice. He gave us himself. He came. He entered space and time and suffering. He came, like a lover. Love seeks above all intimacy, presence, togetherness. . . . Remove Jesus and the knowledge of God becomes questionable. If the knowledge of God is questionable, trusting this unknown God becomes questionable. . . . Suffering is the evidence against God, the reason not to trust him. Jesus is the evidence for God, the reason to trust him.[57]

  I (Crilly) still remember the people who came to the memorial service and hugged me and shed tears with me when I lost a good friend in a tragic motorcycle accident in 2003. I remember my friend Victor, who sat at the back of the room for hours not saying anything, just wanting me to know that he was present. Showing up for the hurting is powerfully healing. As followers of Christ, we can be there for hurting people.

  Grief, disappointment, and trauma can all be profoundly disorienting, numbing a person’s consciousness and clouding his or her ability to think clearly. In his helpful book When the Bottom Drops Out,[58] pastor Rob Bugh speaks personally about the grief he experienced in the illness and death of his wife, Carol. Pastor Bugh shares that the “practical ministries” extended to him were of incredible value. Hurt shuts down people’s ability to cope. Forgetful, preoccupied, and reeling amid the strain of the emotional situation, hurting people need practical help—Jesus with dirty feet.[59] “My friend Steve cut my grass week after week. Dan kept our older cars and anything mechanical running. Chuck and his wife, Pat, prayed and prayed. . . . Jeff basically ran our house, keeping track of our kids and paying all our bills.”[60]

  Like Jesus, we can be bearers of hope to the hurting. We can recognize our own feelings of discomfort, helplessness, and vulnerability in these situations and choose to push past them in love. We can run toward hurting people, not away from them.

  Time does not heal all wounds. There are hurts that a person may never get over. And God chooses to use us, his people, as the primary agents to minister to hurting people. Coming alongside those who are hurting can be one of the most significant things you will ever do.

  Here are five practices that will help you love a person struggling through a difficult time in life—experiencing grief, divorce, job loss, chronic or terminal illness, or some other life crisis.

  1. DON’T SPEAK, JUST LISTEN.

  Silence dignifies a person’s hurt because sometimes pain is too deep for words. This is the ministry of presence, being with someone—listening a lot, speaking a little, and bringing the presence of Christ in you alongside the person who is in pain.

  When Job suffered a succession of disasters, his friends came and sat with him in silence. “Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was” (Job 2:13). Ancient Jewish tradition refers to this act of mourning as “sitting shiva.” True compassion is expressed through presence, silence, and human companionship.

  When you are empathetic, you identify with the other person, coming alongside him or her gently and quietly. Studies have concluded that the two most helpful listening behaviors when interacting with the bereaved are (1) providing the opportunity for them to vent and (2) just being there.[61]

  2. WHEN YOU DO SPEAK, USE GENTLE, SENSITIVE WORDS.

  Speak from your heart, not from your head—don’t try to offer nuggets of wisdom. One of the best things you can say to someone who is struggling is simply “I’m sorry.” Ask good questions; don’t offer trite answers. Hurting people need you to acknowledge that their pain is real, giving them permission to grieve and allowing them to move forward with healing. Follow the wisdom from Proverbs 25:11: “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver” (ESV). “Fitly spoken” words are gentle, informed, timely, and appropriate. Measure your words and avoid careless, inappropriate comments or questions.

  Here are some useful guidelines for when you do feel that it is right to speak:

  Use phrases like “I don’t know what to say,” “I can’t imagine how difficult this is,” or “This must be awful.”

  Do not offer platitudes (examples: “You have so much to be thankful for” or “It’s time for you to move on”).

  Don’t minimize the problem (examples: “You can always have another one” or “You had many good years together”).

  Do not give unsolicited advice (examples: “Now that your husband is gone, you should consider getting a dog” or “In ten years you will not even remember this”).

  Do not claim to know how the person feels.[62]

  3. AVOID THEOLOGICAL PRONOUNCEMENTS.

  Be very careful about what spiritual words you say. Do not offer pat Christian answers to a tragedy (“God needed him more than you did” or “He’s in a better place now”). Hold on to impressions from God loosely (“God told me that . . .”) and let time prove them right or wrong. Statements that may be true can come across as heartless, thoughtless, and trite in tragic circumstances. (Ever heard someone quote, “God works all things together for good” in the midst of suffering?) A time will come when theological truth from Scripture may bring comfort, but not when the pain is intense. And even when sharing Scripture becomes appropriate, be sure that’s not all that you say or do.

  4. SHOW UP!

  Pastor Bugh encourages us to “err on the side of involvement for the hurting.” Show up for them again and again and again. If you don’t show up, they will never know you care. “Love never gives up”—it shows up. “It never loses faith”—it gives faith. “Love . . . is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance” (1 Corinthians 13:7, NLT).

  Love by going to the funeral home and sitting quietly in support. Love by visiting the hospital and offering a prayer. Love by stopping by the house and providing a meal or offering to watch the kids. Love by dropping by the office and expressing your concern.

  By showing up in physical and practical ways, we incarnate Christ’s love to hurting people, helping to heal their pain and ease their burden in Christ’s name. Your quiet and consistent witness will speak volumes about his love to those who are seeking God and longing for his comfort.

  5. LOOK TO JESUS.

  We can have faith in God’s goodness when our hurting friends cannot. We can bring hope to them when they feel hopeless. We can bring hurting people to Jesus figuratively just as the friends of the paralyzed man in Luke 5:17-20 did literally. In that remarkable story, “when Jesus saw [the friends’] faith” he forgave and healed the paralyzed man. By our presence, kindness, and careful words, we get the privilege of ministering to hurting people and escorting them to Jesus’ care.

  As Hebrews 12:1-2 says, “Let us . . . [fix] our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.” We first must look to Jesus ourselves, trusting that he is capable to restore the hurting an
d that he “is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). Pastor Bugh tells us, “Gently remind yourself and others of God’s sovereignty . . . as a balm to heal the wounded. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to help you know when to remind people of these truths.”[63] You can direct your thoughts and theirs to Jesus by offering to pray that they would be able to sense God’s nearness.

  Grief is inevitable in this fallen world filled with pain and loss. Often, we want to push it to the fringes. We tend to avoid it as much as possible. Yet grief properly expressed is good and necessary. Pain, suffering, grief—these are probably the most common of human experiences. Like Jesus, we can show love in practical and profound ways to hurting people and introduce them to his love as we walk with them.

  God loves people more than we can fathom. He initiates a relationship with us as a model for us to follow. When we begin to grasp his purposeful, passionate, sacrificial love for us, this understanding moves us to intentionally seek out people far from God and to let them experience his love through us. When Jesus was asked to describe the greatest commandment, he made it clear that the core value is love:

  Jesus replied, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

  MATTHEW 22:37-39

  Although the Great Commandment is not normally considered to be related to evangelism and the Great Commission, it is the starting point for sharing the good news about Jesus. In fact, loving God and loving others will galvanize our involvement in the Great Commission. If we strive to love others as God loves us, we can begin to build trusting friendships and to earn the right to engage in spiritual conversations with people outside of our churches. God invites ordinary men and women in their everyday lives to make an extraordinary impact with an extraordinary message. What’s the message? God extravagantly loves all people. Do we?

  Discover

  How have you viewed the relationship between the Great Commandment (to love God and love others) and the Great Commission (to go and make disciples)? What new insights do you have now?

  Now that you’ve been reminded of God’s love for you, what would you like to change in your life to make loving God and loving others a higher priority?

  Practice

  Think of people in your life who are like you, who are less fortunate than you, who are more fortunate than you, and who are more like enemies. Plan to do something this week that will bless (not judge) a person from each of these categories.

  Think about someone you know (maybe from the list you developed in chapter 1) who is hurting right now. Consider how you could reach out to that person using one of the five practical ways described in this chapter.

  CHAPTER 8

  THE ART OF WELCOMING

  Now the tax collectors and sinners were all gathering around to hear Jesus. But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.”

  LUKE 15:1-2

  Hospitality, therefore, means primarily the creation of a free space where the stranger can enter and become a friend instead of an enemy.

  HENRI NOUWEN

  AS MY WIFE AND I (CRILLY) prepared to buy our first home, we prayed that God would place us in a neighborhood where we could intentionally love our neighbors like Jesus. The initial awkwardness of being the “new people on the block” soon gave way to friendly connections, but we yearned to build deeper community. We prayed for our neighborhood and wanted to extend Jesus’ love to those who lived around us.

  One day, I surprised my next-door neighbor by mowing his front lawn. It only took me a couple of extra minutes, but when he and his wife noticed, you would have thought I had rescued their kids from a burning building. The whole neighborhood buzzed with gossip about the “new guy” who mowed the neighbor’s lawn. Shortly after, my neighbor across the street ribbed me one Saturday afternoon by calling, “Hey, why don’t you mow my grass too?” So I did! Within a year, the couple next door asked us to be the godparents of their fourth child.

  When Danielle and I moved in, the neighborhood already had some connection points in place, such as the summer block party and a women’s book group. But to extend our own ties in the neighborhood, we came up with the idea of hosting an open house. Partnering with some friends who also lived in the area, we invited everyone in the neighborhood to come over for a few hours late on a Sunday afternoon. We made a pot of chili and encouraged everyone to bring some food to share. We paid some local high school students to care for the children and ordered some pizza for them too.

  We had no agenda except to welcome and love our neighbors. And that’s what we did! We made the open house a once-a-month event, calling it Second Sunday so folks would remember which Sunday to plan on coming over. Clever, huh? By staying regularly connected with the people in our proximity, we noticed more ways to be intentionally involved with their lives and extend Christ’s love in tangible ways.

  Danielle and I decided to give our small Cape Cod home a nickname: “The Cape of Good Hope.” This name reminded us of our vision to create a safe, welcoming environment where people would find hope. We wanted our home to be a place where anyone could explore matters of faith openly in the company of true friends. We have been fortunate to experience this, as neighbors have confided in us about their family difficulties, marriage struggles, and spiritual challenges. Danielle and I pray nearly every day that our neighbors would experience the love and grace of Jesus.

  We try to extend welcome beyond the limits of our physical habitat and cultivate community wherever we go. This will look different for each of us based on our personalities and preferences. Your approach may be very different than mine. Some folks welcome by intentionally placing a candy jar at their desk to bring more opportunities to connect with coworkers. Some folks take welcoming mobile and walk the dog to connect with their neighbors. Some folks look for opportunities to include others in things they are already doing—like a fantasy football league, an evening at the fire pit, a woodworking hobby, a reading group, or a fitness activity. Some folks love hosting book clubs and parties. Welcoming is not just about inviting; it’s about bringing a warm, appealing presence to others wherever you are. It is a way of living.

  It is hard to overstate the impact that a genuinely warm welcome can have in a person’s life. Welcoming someone brings him or her from being a vulnerable outsider to being connected with others. When you include someone, you lay the initial groundwork that will help a relationship to thrive. Conversely, by not including someone, you shut down his or her willingness to engage relationally. Welcoming provides a safe environment where wrestling with matters of faith for more than just one quick conversation is acceptable and where dealing with the hardships of life without being judged is allowed. It is what everyone desperately needs as they make their way toward faith.

  Welcoming is not the same as entertaining in your home. It’s opening your heart and creating a safe place of love and acceptance wherever you may be. One of the most practical ways to step into another person’s world—and to make him or her feel comfortable enough to step into yours—is simply to offer the gift of attentiveness.

  In our “two-screen” culture, giving our attention to only one thing at a time is rare; we’ve allowed multitasking to become normal. But people don’t feel welcomed if we are checking our mobile devices, allowing our minds to wander, or even just thinking about what we’re going to say next. And the opposite also is true: If we stop what we’re doing to listen and give our full attention, people will feel welcomed by us. When you set aside your agenda to focus on others, you communicate that you value them and that you’re glad to spend time with them.

  Even a casual reading of the Gospels shows how often Jesus gave individuals his full attention. For example, in John 4 we read the story of Jesus’ meeting with the Samaritan woman who came to
the well to draw water. Although Jesus was a visitor in the Samaritan woman’s neighborhood, we see him deliberately creating a safe environment for spiritual conversation through his attentiveness.

  We often think of “welcoming” as inviting people into our home, our church, our turf—asking them to come to us. Jesus turned that upside down by bringing that welcoming space into the woman’s environment—he went to her. I’m fascinated by the way the story begins in verse 4: “Now he had to go through Samaria” (emphasis added). Jesus had Samaria on his mind. Though the Jewish culture shunned Samaritans and pious Jews purposefully avoided Samaria when traveling from northern Israel to Jerusalem, Jesus determined to go through this region. What’s more, Jesus stayed two days in the town of Sychar itself. His heart was open to the townspeople as he accepted their hospitality.

  Welcoming is simply the act of showing unconditional acceptance to people without any expectations of reciprocation. When you welcome people into your life and activities, you are reflecting Christ’s love and acceptance. When people experience the warmth of your welcome, they are drawn to it, as they would be to a light in the darkness or a fire on a chilly night. When they have a taste, like a sample of savory food, they want more. This is an action that speaks to any culture and across any language, race, or religious divide. In this way, we are following Jesus’ instruction in Matthew 5 to be light and salt to people we know.

  How about you? Have you ever had someone in your life who made you feel welcome no matter where you were? Can you think of ways you might extend welcome to those around you? Following this practice of Jesus is especially valuable for creating a safe place to allow people to be themselves, and ask questions about matters of faith.