The 9 Arts of Spiritual Conversations

by Mary Schaller

  God Welcomes Us

  Our God is a welcoming God, constantly pursuing, seeking, and inviting people into his loving community. By practicing the Art of Welcoming, we can extend God’s welcome to others so they feel invited into friendship with him. Examples of God’s abundant welcome flow throughout Scripture. From the Creator’s lavish preparation of the Garden of Eden for Adam and Eve, to the Shepherd’s inviting presence in Psalm 23, to the Savior’s open-armed readiness to gather in the excluded, God takes the initiative to draw people near. His ultimate welcome, of course, came by means of his sacrifice on the cross, so that we could come into relationship with him even though we had gone our own way.

  Luke 15:1-2 reveals a fascinating scene: “Now the tax collectors and sinners were all gathering around to hear Jesus. But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, ‘This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.’” In response to the Pharisees’ criticism and in defense of his relentless welcome, Jesus told three stories, culminating in the powerful parable of the prodigal son. In each story something is lost, and first its absence is recognized and then an urgent search follows. In each story something is found, and first a joyous reunion and then a wild celebration follows.

  In the prodigal son story, a young man had demanded his inheritance and had become a disgrace, squandering the entire amount. Yet when he came to his senses, he found his father waiting for him:

  While he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

  The son said to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.”

  But the father said to his servants, “Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.” So they began to celebrate.

  LUKE 15:20-24

  The robe, ring, sandals, and feast all indicated the father’s acceptance and his restoration of the son’s position. We can imagine that the robe was a long robe of distinction, the ring was a signet ring of authority, the sandals represented sonship (slaves went barefoot), and the fattened calf indicated the momentous occasion—all part of the father’s abundant welcome. But the story was not complete. In a final clever plot twist to address the Pharisees’ accusation—that he was welcoming sinners—Jesus added intrigue to the parable by including a character who does not represent the heart of the father. The older son’s attitude was not at all welcoming (see 15:26-32). He did not receive his brother back but instead resented him. Jesus was connecting the Pharisees’ behavior (15:1-2) with the older son’s and was contrasting it to the father’s welcoming response. The Pharisees resented that Jesus welcomed sinners, and they didn’t realize that his approach, not theirs, reflected God’s character.

  Aspects of Welcoming

  God the Father extends a welcome to everyone. When we are willing to welcome like the Father, we reflect his unconditional acceptance. The challenge we face is in knowing how to welcome others, communicating genuine acceptance while expecting nothing in return. Welcoming may come naturally to some people based on their personality or the home they grew up in, but for most people it requires practice and intentionality. Some key, common “ingredients” that create a welcoming environment might include honesty, authenticity, common interests, a flexible plan, food that is generously shared, good conversation, genuine listening, empathy, fun, and humor. However, even with the best of these ingredients, the foundation of welcoming into community is the acceptance of the risk to open up our hearts.

  How can you become one of those people who provides the kind of full welcome we all desire in new situations? To keep it simple, consider welcoming as something that happens best when you are keenly aware of maximizing four welcoming aspects—your face, your space, your place, and your grace. Let’s briefly unpack each one.

  1. YOUR FACE

  Welcoming starts with your facial expression. Have you ever heard the sarcastic comment, “If you are so happy to see me, why haven’t you told your face?” Your face is the first indicator of a welcoming spirit. It is the first impression people receive when they meet you. A smile and warm eye contact go a long way toward helping someone feel welcomed. When this is the way you greet the people you frequently encounter, they will begin to remember your face. Facial recognition lays the groundwork for the connection to deepen. In conjunction with your facial expression, your body language also supports or contradicts how welcoming you are. Crossed arms or a tense posture can convey that you don’t have time for others right now, while a relaxed, open stance is more inviting.

  2. YOUR SPACE

  This is the impression of openness you express to others. Do you make people feel at ease? Do they feel you are happy to see them and eager to spend time with them? To limit relational awkwardness and build rapport, look for common ground, such as stage of life, hobbies, or enthusiasm for a sports team or a musical group. Asking open-ended questions encourages people to share their stories. In a casual group setting, look for ways to connect people with each other. Each year at our neighborhood St. Patrick’s Day party, we pack the house, and when each guest enters, I interrupt the whole group and publicly announce the new arrival. The whole room full of people greets them with a cheer! The person immediately feels welcomed, valued, and personally connected to everyone. How can you, in your own way as an introvert or extrovert, create a welcome space for people to be generously received?

  3. YOUR PLACE

  This is the physical environment—your home, office, or car, for example—where you welcome others, and the condition of the space matters. I’m not talking about the area being clean but about it seeming warm and inviting. Whether you are in your living room, kitchen, dorm, coffee shop, or local park, think through what will help the person you’re connecting with feel most welcome. When you provide a comfortable place, people feel more relaxed and accepted. Do the physical spaces that you control provide a way for people to feel instantly comfortable and welcomed? For example, think of how “white-glove” neatness, an orderly space, or a more casual setting might impact your ability to welcome someone. When is the television or music distracting, or when can it help break the ice? How can sharing food and drink with others help build community?

  4. YOUR GRACE

  Most people long to go beyond relational superficiality and to find a person who is safe, who accepts them as they are, and who will allow them to process the significant questions of life without expecting anything in return. It takes prayerful insight to foster vulnerability at an appropriate pace. As you get to know a person over time, be willing to ask questions that encourage deeper discussion. Keep it safe for people to share transparently by encouraging them rather than by giving advice or communicating a judgmental attitude. As you reflect Christ’s welcome, model vulnerability, and show interest in meaningful conversation, people will pick up on your gracious offer. Relational grace characterizes a welcoming spirit willing to discuss difficult questions, share hard topics, avoid trite responses, and explore answers together.

  Welcoming grace is willing to walk alongside others, admit that you don’t have all the answers, and allow life and faith to be messy and mysterious. This aspect of welcoming leads you to be intentional about taking relationships deeper, allowing conversations about God to occur naturally.

  Prayer is important in each aspect of welcoming, but especially here. When inviting someone to spend time with you, pray before, after, and during your time with them (not necessarily out loud with people who aren’t used to that). While you’re together, you can silently ask God for wisdom to deepen the conversation as well as for discernment about what needs to be said and what needs to be left unsaid for now.

  How’s your grace factor? Do you extend grace freely and generously, allowing people
the open space to discover truth for themselves with the work of the Spirit?

  Of these four aspects of welcoming, only one is restricted to a place. The others we carry with us. In other words, we can bring a welcoming space with us wherever we go. That’s good, because according to the US Bureau of Labor Statistics, the average American between the ages of twenty-five and fifty-four spends over 50 percent of his or her waking hours at work.[64] So the place for most of us to begin creating a more welcoming space may be at work, where we spend so much of our time.

  For some of my (Crilly’s) career in the marketplace, I worked in the construction contracting field, specifically in high-voltage electric utility work. The job was fast paced and high risk, and an error could get someone seriously injured or killed. If an incident on the power lines interrupted electricity, people would be without power, which is disruptive and frustrating. As a result, workdays were often quite hectic and stressful. My typical day was filled with frequent interruptions as my project managers, general foremen, project accountant, and other colleagues regularly stopped by my office to discuss issues and ask questions. It was challenging to get my work done with so many distractions, but I am not proud of what I did to deter these frequent visitors.

  To try to send the clear yet unspoken message “I’m busy; don’t bother me,” I positioned my desk so that my back was facing anyone who entered my office. After a while, I heard the Holy Spirit’s insistent, convicting whisper asking whether this desk arrangement demonstrated the Father’s welcoming heart. It took me a while to listen and obey, but I eventually rearranged my office. With the desk facing the door, I intentionally greeted folks who came by and tried to create a more inviting office space and posture.

  Welcoming can be practiced everywhere. In our daily activities inside and outside work, we can choose to create patterns that allow us to get to know people. We can keep going back to the same stores or coffee shops so that we develop relationships with the people who spend a lot of time there. With our welcoming spirit, we can extend God’s grace and love to others wherever we go. We’ve been graciously welcomed by God to be his children, and he wants us to extend that same welcome to others in our everyday lives—at the job site, on the train, at the office, in the yard, on the bus, in the store, at the laundromat, at a restaurant, and in our homes. We have countless opportunities each day to share a warm presence both with the people we know best and with those we don’t know at all yet. However, we need to be aware of common obstacles to welcoming, or we will too easily fall into the pattern of an unwelcoming attitude in our lives.

  Barriers to Welcoming

  I don’t aspire to be unfriendly or unwelcoming. Few people do. In fact, it would be a tragedy for Christians to be known as rude, cold, or unwelcoming. And yet, we don’t always invite others in, particularly when those “others” are different from us. At the heart of it, most barriers to welcoming others are fear based. By identifying the barriers that keep us apart, maybe we can begin to overcome the fears that support them, allowing us to create an environment in which people feel welcomed. Let’s take a look at five common barriers.

  1. BUSYNESS

  The words “I’m busy” are often code for “I’m important.” How much of your busyness is driven by your desire for significance? Do you fear missing out on an opportunity, accomplishment, or experience? Busyness tends to push out the margin in our lives. Without margin, we may view people as interruptions. It will take humility and intentionality to slow down and make space to welcome others.

  Take a good look at your schedule. To what have you said “yes” that is keeping you from taking time for people who need to know God’s love? How much do you involve the Holy Spirit in decisions about what to commit to, and how much margin have you built into your schedule? What tasks can you delegate (or simply stop doing)? Are you willing to put aside your agenda to be interruptible or to intentionally choose activities where you will get to know people who believe differently?

  2. SHALLOWNESS

  Many of us have become accustomed to surface-level relationships, which are what we may experience in the workplace, at school, with our neighbors, and sometimes even among our friends. We may wish for deeper connections, but we’re not sure how to get there. Perhaps because we’ve been burned before or because no one ever modeled authentic community for us, we skim the surface of relationships. Frankly, we lack relational depth ourselves—or we fear it—so we’re unable or unwilling to show vulnerability, especially toward spiritually curious people.

  What is a relational risk you can take to overcome this obstacle? Can you tell someone that you appreciate him or her? Share something that might be misunderstood? Share how you are feeling? Not everyone is ready to go deeper with you, so pray for opportunities to build safe relationships. The goal is to experience why relational risk taking is worth it.

  3. COMPETITIVENESS

  Like the other barriers to welcoming, competitiveness is often driven by fear. Afraid that we won’t measure up, we adopt a win-or-lose mentality and try to beat or outsmart others in some way. We push people away instead of welcoming them in. Our competitiveness comes out in conversation with spiritual seekers when we think that because we know the truth, we are somehow better than they are. Competition and comparison destroy the potential for community and connection.

  To remedy this inclination, be intentionally curious and open. You can learn something from people who believe differently from you. Consider the possibility that other people’s questions or opinions might cause you to think more deeply and might help your faith grow. Before you even start a conversation, consciously choose to let go of the need to win. Ephesians 4:29 can serve as a key guide for us: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

  4. DEFENSIVENESS

  When we feel defensive, we typically don’t engage in open dialogue. Around people who believe differently, we may fear they will judge us, misunderstand us, or look down on us for our faith. When we lack a firm foundation of identity in Christ, we’ll be vulnerable to defensiveness, and it will push people away. To overcome this obstacle, relax! Trust in God and develop your relationship with him. Intentionally spend time with people who are not followers of Jesus to get past the stereotypes you have. They are not “out to get you” but are full of fears and doubts—just as you are. Take yourself less seriously. You don’t have to prove anything.

  5. SELFISHNESS

  The default mode of every human being is to ask, “What’s in it for me?” We fear that God is not on our side (or worse, not in control), so we take things into our own hands, looking out for ourselves. We often choose relationships based on what we can get, rather than what we can give. If we think engaging with people who believe differently is too much work, we won’t do it. Perhaps we’re afraid that if we spend time and energy welcoming others, we’ll miss out on good things for ourselves. But as people who are loved by God, we’re called to serve others and show them that same love.

  The antidote to selfishness is to serve others. Here’s a little-known secret about serving selflessly: It brings joy! When you discover an opportunity to serve someone, do it.

  Accept People Where They Are

  When we’re talking to people engaged in behaviors we find particularly offensive, it is tempting to focus on their lifestyle choices. Even though we may not appear to do this outwardly, we may inwardly harbor judgments about them and even hold them in contempt. When we do this, we set up barriers that keep us from welcoming. By judging people (even subtly), we play God. By not accepting where people are, we’re also communicating that we don’t trust God to get them where he wants them to go.

  Returning to Jesus’ conversation with the woman at the well (John 4), we see a great example of how Jesus interacted with someone full of moral failures without getting hung up on them. Initially, Jesus found a point of common intere
st—water—and then responded casually to the woman’s questions in the conversation that unfolded. By the time he brought up her current sinful lifestyle, he did so with grace, also allowing her to change the subject to a topic that she found more comfortable.

  For us, one of the keys to avoid judging people is to take the time to listen. Once we hear more of a person’s story and situation, it becomes easier to be empathetic. The simple phrase “Tell me more about that” creates space for a person to feel welcomed and accepted. When you open up your heart to someone who believes differently, you become an ally and not an adversary, providing a safe place to honestly explore matters of life and faith.

  For several years, my (Mary’s) husband, Paul, headed up an airplane manufacturing company in the Pacific Northwest that was building a bush aircraft for mission and commercial applications. Most of the employees and contractors also had a strong faith in Christ.

  On one occasion, we invited an out-of-town consultant and his wife over for dinner. We’d assumed that they were Bible-believing Christians, but halfway through the meal it came out that they were actually Jehovah’s Witnesses. My discovery that our core beliefs about Jesus were different made it difficult for me to know how to relate to this couple, and I found myself tempted to judge them for having beliefs that didn’t line up with the Bible and orthodox Christianity. I asked God to show me how to move forward in the evening, given what I now knew. He guided me to start asking questions about the area that I knew must be important to them and was also important to me: witnessing.