Redlight

by Winter Travers

  “Oh, my Delaney. My smart and straight-shooting girl with the soft heart. I know you wanted the baby. I’m sure the second you found out you were pregnant, you had it all planned out in your head.”

  I did. I really did have it planned out. At least, the part about the baby. I had no idea what Jay was going to do when I told him, but even if he had laughed in my face and told me to go away, I knew the baby and I would have been okay without him.

  Now I didn’t have a baby, and there wasn’t going to be a Jay and me anymore.

  Mama brushed my hair back from my face and looked at me. “You’re okay physically?” she asked softly.

  I nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. It was pretty painful with the cramping but I’m okay now.” I was sore, but I knew that would go away in a day or two. “I just feel empty.”

  “How far along were you?” she asked softly.

  “Almost nine weeks.” I closed my eyes and tried to stop crying. “I was supposed to have my two month check up on Friday.” Jay and I had planned on going to the appointment to hear the baby’s heartbeat and figure out how I could get one cup of coffee a day.

  Now none of that was going to happen.

  A fresh set of tears stung my eyes.

  “Do you need anything right now?” she asked.

  I shook my head. “I just wanna sleep.” When I slept, I didn’t have to feel anything. I didn’t have to think about the baby being gone. I didn’t have to wonder about what was going to happen with Jay and me.

  If I slept, I didn’t have to think or feel anything.

  Mama helped me lie back down, and she pulled the covers up to my chin. “Are you sure there isn’t anything you need?”

  I shook my head. “I’m fine.” The only thing I needed was my baby and Jay, but neither one of them were mine anymore.

  *

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Jay

  “We’re gonna head out, bro.”

  I grabbed the cup of coffee from under the coffeemaker and lifted it my lips.

  After Susan had come home and surprised the hell out of all of us, Remy and Harlyn had fallen back asleep in the chair for a couple of hours while I laid on the couch wide awake.

  Susan didn’t come back down after going up the stairs, and I was left there wondering what was going on with Delaney.

  Now it was after eight in the morning, and I still had no idea what the hell was going on. It had been over twenty-four hours since my world had crashed down on me, and I had never felt so lost in my life.

  “Uh, let Roc know I don’t know when I’ll be back to work.” I had to eventually go back to life, but right now, I couldn’t walk into Cummings Racing and act like everything was fine.

  “Don’t even worry about it, Jay. I’ll handle Roc.” Harlyn gave me a hug and a sad smile. “Take however long you need.”

  They walked out the front door, and I leaned against the kitchen counter.

  “And then there was one.” Susan walked down the steps and into the kitchen. “I could use a cup of coffee. Sleeping in that chair in Delaney’s room isn’t really comfortable.”

  I grabbed a coffee cup from the cabinet and popped a pod into the maker. I knew exactly what chair she was talking about, and she was right. That chair was not meant for sleeping in. “Uh, everything okay?” I asked.

  Susan leaned against the counter in front of me and sighed. “No, not at all, but it will be.”

  That was what I kept telling myself but it was hard to believe. I waited for the cup to fill and then I handed it to Susan. “I don’t really know what to say.”

  She grabbed the cup and held it with both hands in front of her. “I don’t think there is anything you can really say at times like these.”

  “I’m sorry.” That was all I had.

  “I don’t know why you and Delaney say that to me. I’m the one who should be sorry. You lost something important and are hurting.”

  I cleared my throat and picked up my cup. “I just meant I’m sorry we didn’t tell you before...before this happened.”

  “Jay, do me a favor, and don’t worry about me.” She pointed up at the ceiling. “Worry about the woman up there who is completely destroyed and wrecked right now.” She then pointed her finger at me. “Just like you.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not worried about me. No one needs to worry about me either. Delaney is the only thing that matters.”

  “Good answer,” she whispered. She took a sip of her coffee then sighed. “But then why are you down here and she’s up there?”

  *

  Delaney

  I heard a cup set down on the nightstand, and I opened my eyes. “Mama?” I called.

  “No.”

  I closed my eyes and gasped.

  Jay was in my room.

  “Brought you a cup of coffee.”

  Coffee sounded good. Coffee with Jay, I wasn’t too sure about.

  I heard him drag the chair from under my desk over to the bed, and he sat down. “I’m here, Delaney. I’m not going anywhere,” he said firmly.

  “Okay,” I said softly. It wasn’t okay, though. None of this was okay.

  I didn’t know what was what anymore or why Jay would still be here.

  “I know you probably don’t want to talk right now, and I get that, but when you do want to talk, cry, or scream, I’m going to be here.”

  Again, he was here with the right words, but he didn’t need to be. He didn’t need to be here at all. The thing holding us together was gone.

  “You don’t need to do this, Jay,” I whispered.

  He sighed heavily. “I know, Del.”

  “Then why are you?”

  “I don’t think you’re ready for that answer.”

  I opened my eyes and slowly sat up. “What?” Jay looked tired. He was still wearing the same clothes as when we went to the hospital, and there was a good day's worth of scruff on his face.

  “Right now, you don’t need to worry about why I’m here or what I’m doing.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense. You don’t need to be here, Jay. You can go home.”

  He shook his head. “I’m gonna do what I want, and right now, I want to be here,” he stated simply.

  “There isn’t anything here for you anymore.” It was over. It was all done. “My mom is home, and she can take care of me if I need anything.” I wasn’t going to need anything, though. I was already feeling better physically, and I figured by Monday, I would back to school and work. Back to my normal before Jay and the baby.

  “She went to lay down. She was up all night with you and needed some rest.”

  Oh, duh. I hadn’t even thought about how tired she must be. “Well, I’ll be fine while she sleeps.” I was a med student, after all. I knew how to take care of myself and didn’t need Jay to stand guard.

  “I’m not leaving, Delaney.”

  I laid back down and pulled the blanket over my head. “Do whatever you want, Jay. I’m going back to sleep.”

  I closed my eyes and waited for him to argue with me.

  “Whatever you want, Del. I’ll be here when you wake.”

  He could be there when I woke up, but after a few days, he wouldn’t be there anymore.

  I didn’t get why he was doing this. He was putting off the inevitable of fading away.

  He just needed to leave now and stop torturing me.

  Jay Perez wasn’t mine to keep.

  *

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Jay

  “Go home.”

  My eyes popped open, and Susan was standing over me.

  “What?” I croaked.

  “You need to get some sleep, Jay. Go home and come back in the morning.”

  “But Delaney.” I looked at the bed and saw it was empty.

  “She’s in the shower.”

  Hell, I had slept through her getting out of bed.

  “Don’t look so upset. She didn’t wake me either.”

  I scrubbed my hand down my face. �
�I would have helped her.” I leaned forward, rested my elbows on my knees, and held my head in my hands. “I just want to help her, Susan.”

  Susan sat down on the bed. “I do too, honey, but I don’t think you know Delaney as well as I do. While she’s smart as a whip and straight to the point with most things in her life, her feelings are something she struggles with. Don’t get me wrong, she figures things out eventually, but there’s always a time where she flounders around unsure of what she wants and feels.”

  “She doesn’t need to wonder what I feel about her. Nothing has changed. I wanted to be with her when she was pregnant, and even now when we aren't going to have a baby, I still want her. It may have just been two weeks, but I know, Susan. I know what I want, and Delaney is it.”

  “Then go home, get some rest, and come back in the morning.”

  “I don’t need to leave. I can sleep on the couch,” I insisted.

  Susan shook her head. “You need to give her a little room, Jay. You need to let her be alone for a little bit. Even I’m going to let her be when she gets out of the shower.” She looked around the room and sighed. “When I lost her father, the only thing that truly helped was time. Time to heal and time to move on.”

  “I’m not moving on from Delaney,” I insisted. If I left, Delaney was going to think I didn't care. She was going to think I didn’t want to be there anymore.

  Susan laughed. “You know, I never talked to you before this, but I heard many stories from Frankie and Brooks about you. The man you are right now is not what I expected at all.”

  “I was an idiot in all of those stories you heard about me.” I shook my head. “I didn’t have anything worth living for besides drinking and partying.”

  “And now my daughter is your reason for living?”

  I nodded. “Yes. I fell in love with your daughter these past two weeks, and even though we lost the baby, that doesn’t change my love for her. I wasn’t in love with her because she was having my baby, I was in love with her for her.”

  “Does Delaney know you love her?” she asked.

  I shook my head. “I thought I had time to tell her. I didn’t want to scare her away.”

  Susan patted my knee. “I think the last two days prove to you that time is fleeting. Delaney is going to push you away until you tell her how you feel. Right now, she thinks she’s a burden on you.”

  “She’s not,” I thundered,

  Susan stood up and looked down at me. “I understand that, Jay.” She hitched her thumb over her shoulder toward the bathroom. “Now you need to convince her of that.”

  *

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Delaney

  “Looks like Mave is here.”

  I looked up from the book I was reading. Jay had just left, and I was trying to lose myself in a book. It wasn’t working, but I was trying.

  Mom was standing by the window watching Mave get out of her car. “Want me to get you a snack or something?”

  “Queso and pretzels?” Yes, I was still craving all the crazy things I ate when I was pregnant.

  It was Sunday, and it had been three days since my world had been completely flipped upside down. Jay came to see me every day. Sitting with me for most of the day without talking, but just being with me. It was nice to have him here, but there were just so many questions I had for him. I just couldn’t seem to get the questions out, though. I was afraid of the answers he would give even though I knew what they would be.

  Mave knocked on the door, and I jumped up to open it.

  “Hey,” she said softly. “I came over to check on you.”

  I opened the door wide and motioned for her to come in.

  “Hi, Mave,” Mom called from the kitchen.

  “Hi, Susan. Did you by chance get a tan while you were in Florida?

  Mom tsked. “Hell no, girl. I melt if I’m in the sun for too long.”

  I sat back down on the couch and tossed my book next to me.

  Mave sat in the recliner and had a huge smile plastered on her face. “You’re looking good too, Delaney.”

  “I guess lounging around agrees with me,” I laughed.

  “It sure does. It’s good for healing.”

  Mom walked in with a full plate and set it on the coffee table. “Fluffy nut crackers,” she sang.

  Mave’s eyes bugged out. “Uh, say what?”

  I laughed and grabbed one of the crackers. Another one of my cravings that now was something I liked to eat all of the time. “Peanut butter and fluff on a cracker,” I explained.

  Mave laughed. “I think you guys need to come up with a better name for them.”

  Mom grabbed a cracker and headed up the stairs. “I need to finish unpacking my bags and do a couple loads of laundry. Yell if you guys need anything.”

  Mave grabbed a couple of crackers off the plate then sat down on the couch next to me. “Can we cut through all of the awkward talk and just get straight to it?”

  I popped a cracker in my mouth. “I’m not sure I like that idea.” I hadn’t really talked to anyone. I was firmly living inside my head, and I was okay with that.

  “When I was married to Dale, I got pregnant. I lost the baby when I was twenty-nine weeks.”

  Her words hung heavily in the air.

  “I had the nursery painted, a name picked out, and we knew we were having a boy. Dustin should be ten this year. I lost him two months and three weeks before his due date.”

  My mind went blank, and I had no idea what to say.

  “Dale was such an ass after it happened, too.” She laughed flatly. “I mean, he was always a dick so I shouldn’t have been so surprised, but I was.”

  “I’m sorry, Mave.”

  “Thanks, honey. It’s been a while since it’s happened, but it’s still hard to talk about.” She turned and looked at me. “Just like I know it’s hard for you to talk about losing your baby.”

  “I...what...I can’t even imagine being that far along and losing the baby.”

  She smiled sadly. “Right? Normally, after you make it past that magical three month mark, you’re good to go.” She shook her head. “Dustin died because I had an incompetent cervix. My cervix thinned, and I dilated eleven weeks before my due date. Dustin was gone before I could even get to the doctor.”

  “Oh, my God, Mave.” I launched myself across the couch and wrapped her in a hug. “I’m so sorry.” I was such as ass for sitting here acting like the world had ended. What happened to me wasn’t near as bad as what happened to Mave. I had only been to the doctor one time and hadn’t even really started to think about names or even if the baby was a boy or a girl. She had everything planned out all the way down to the nursery put together and a name.

  “Oh, Delaney,” she laughed sadly. She pulled out of my arms and wiped the tears from her eyes. “I didn’t tell you all of that for you to feel sorry for me. I told you that so you would look at me and see that even though what’s going on now is horrible, things get better. Time has a way of healing you without even noticing.”

  I wiped my tears and sat back on the couch. “Mama said something the same.”

  “I know it’s hard to see right now, Delaney, but you gotta know things get better. You go back to living, and each day, you think about it a little bit less.”

  “I don’t think I’ll ever forget this, Mave. I wanted this baby.”

  She patted my leg. “I know you won’t, sweetie. I’m not saying you will. I’m saying it’s going to get easier to live with. Something wasn’t right and the baby wasn’t meant to be. Maybe this was God's way of showing you and Jay you were supposed to be together but not ready to have a baby?”

  “I know all of this, Mave. It doesn't make it any easier, but I’m not so sure about the baby bringing Jay and I together.”

  “What is Jay doing now? Did he runaway?”

  I sighed. “Being amazing. Coming over every day. Texting me in the morning when he wakes up, calling before he goes to bed.”

  “Ho
w is he feeling about losing the baby?” she asked.

  I shrugged. “Probably the same way I am.”

  “Probably?” she asked. “He hasn’t talked about it?”

  “Uh, neither of us have really talked about it.” It was too hard for me to talk about. The only reason I could manage to talk about it with Mave is because she knew what I was going through.

  “He’s going through this too, Delaney. He also lost his baby.”

  Tears flooded my eyes. “I know, Mave,” I sobbed.

  “Then talk to him, Delaney. You can’t keep shutting him out. It’s not helping either of you.”

  “I’ve been telling her the same damn thing.” Mom stood at the foot of the stairs with her hands on her hips.

  “I thought you were unpacking,” I chuckled.

  “I was, but I needed more fluffy nuts.”

  Mave giggled and even I realized how ridiculous that name was. “I think they’re called fluffer nutters, Mom. Not fluffy nuts.”

  “I like my name better,” she huffed. She grabbed the plate off the coffee table and walked into the kitchen. “Also, Christy called. She’s on her way home with her sister. I need to pick them up from the airport in a couple of hours. I was wondering if you wanted to take the ride with me.”

  I hadn’t been outside of the house since I came home from the hospital. “I...uh...”

  “How are you feeling physically?” Mave asked. “Any soreness?”

  I shook my head. I had taken about four showers in the past forty-eight hours to help with the soreness and the few Tylenol I had swallowed had helped with any residual pain. “My pain level is a one.”

  “That’s good. I’m glad they decided to do a D&C right away. Risk of infection is zero when they do that. I think it will be good for you to get out of the house.” Mave stood up and smiled wide. “Doctor’s orders for you to go with your mom.”

  “Oh, is that how it is?” I laughed. It was the first time I had genuinely felt a slight hint of happiness.

  “Sure is. You’re not going to start healing inside by sitting on the couch drowning in your sorrow.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me off the couch. “Go with your mom and then think about going to talk to that handsome man of yours.”