Stay Beautiful

by Perry Matlin

  Following directions, we head in the direction of my first class. I'll be taking Algebra in this hallway, that should be fun. I'm just heading into the room, when my eyes fall upon two people. Coral, and Aimee are sitting in the very back row. I see an empty seat beside them, so I slide in right beside Aimee. They both turn to look at me, and a smile forms on both their faces. Coral turns completely in her chair, to look at me. She surveys me with curiosity.

  We talk through the entire orientation, as the teacher tells us all about policies, and such. After the session ends, I leave them behind, the aspect of coming back to school with them, is so exciting. I actually have friends to come back to. Coral and I only have one class together, but Aimee and I have three. We head off to look where each of my classes are (we only had to actually go in to first period).

  I walk straight into my room, when my dad drops me off. My mom and Antonio are still arguing, and waging war in the midst of the living room, so I tune it out, and lock myself in the room. I cross to the stereo and crank up the Rascal Flatts album to ten. The bed feels so comfortable, but I think of Josh, and his bed. The idea is very appealing, so I look over at the clock. It's almost late enough for me to go to sleep. I look around, before opening the window, and crawling out of it. I waste no time before sprinting across the moonlit yard. I climb over the fence and drop into his yard. Now that I'm out of sight from my house, I slow down, and walk to his back door. I knock on it briefly, before stepping away to wait. He opens the door, and his shirt is off. I take a few steps forward and kiss him eagerly. I see his smile, as

  I pull away. He motions me inside, and I breathlessly head into his house, for another amazing night.

  Chapter 15 Conversation

  I toss another stuffed animal onto the ground, as I search through my room. My bed is literally the last place that it could be. I can't find my phone for some reason and was waiting on a text. I cross the room again and look all around. I'm just about to panic, when I hear it buzzing. I follow the noise over to the laundry basket and find it under a layer of clothing. I quickly pick it up and scroll through my notifications. I have two missed calls and four texts. All of them are from Josh. I smile to myself, as I read his name each time. Tomorrow is the first day of school, and the last few weeks have been spectacular. I'm starting high school, and I have my friends back, and now I have a hot older boyfriend. How could this get any better? My mind briefly jumps to Michael, but I push the taboo thoughts away, before the sadness can set in. I like Josh a lot, but it’s more of a light thing. I don’t feel about him like I still feel about Michael.

  I turn back to my room, seeing just how badly I tore it apart in search of my phone. I smile, before kneeling down to pick up the fallen objects all over the floor. When I finally finish, I head out into the living room, and see that everything seems peaceful for now. Antonio is watching a movie, and my mom is cleaning the kitchen. They're in separate rooms, good. Maybe they can avoid fighting for once in their stupid lives. I head over to the desktop computer, and sit down, as my mom continues to silently clean around me. I'm just opening up the internet, when it starts.

  "Rebekah. Is he on the computer?" he calls from the couch, his annoying voice grating my nerves to no end. I look around, confused at his question. Is there a reason I shouldn't be on the computer? I look over to my mom.

  "Lucas you can go back to your room. You don't get on the computer until you can learn some damn respect" he says rudely. I look in the direction of his voice, my eyes wide with confusion. What the hell did I do now? I close out of the internet and go to stand up. He charges around the corner, as I stand up. His eyes are slits, as he faces me. That's when I smell the alcohol on his breath. Of course, he's drunk. Of course, he's being an ass to me.

  "You hear me boy?" he says, getting right in my face, his voice rising with each word. I just nod my head and try to brush past him. He doesn't like that very much because he pokes me in the chest with his index finger, causing me to hiss in pain. He finds that funny. I finally make my way past him, but he follows me to my room. I try to shut the door, but he shoves it back open.

  "Can you leave me alone please?" I ask him, anger sprouting through like a stray line of sunlight in the midst of a pitch-black cellar. Snarling, he makes his way to the center of my room. He looks around, and I see his eyes fall upon my stereo a half second, before he snatches it up. I bite my tongue, as to not make it worse. I angrily watch him walk from my room with the only thing I have to drown the sound of his screaming.

  "Why did you take his radio? He didn't even do anything wrong?" I hear my mom ask, when the door slams shut. That's enough to start the war again. He didn't like that.

  "Shut the hell up bitch. That little brat needs to learn some respect, before I have to beat it into him" he screams, and then she replies back with some useless screaming. It spirals from there.

  Screw this. I'm getting out of here. I walk right out the door, and down the hall. Antonio looks at me, as I pass them in the kitchen, he makes a move, like he'll try to follow me, but then just makes a stupid remark about how he'll let me go outside to actually get some exercise. I ignore it because he has the maturity of a third grader. I let the screen door slam behind me, as I instantly walk over to my bike, which I don't even use often. I hop atop the thing and take off from the house. I angrily pedal my way down the street, until the house is far behind me. I coast down the bumpy road, until I reach the end. I look from the left to the right. I could go left, and spend some time at the water, just relaxing by myself. If I go right then I can go see Josh, and relax, and see him a bit more before the school year starts. It occurs to me that I don't know what grade he's going into.

  I decide to go right, so I turn with my bike. I'm so entranced by the anger inside of me that I almost get hit by a car, when turning down his road. The car honks, causing me to swerve to the right. I almost fall off the side of the bike, as it rushes past me. I stop, my heart hammering at the speed of sound. I look up, and see the car retreating into the distance. After a moment of recovery, I speed off in the direction of his house. I'm just pulling into his yard, when I see him outside. He's talking to an older man, and they seem to be arguing. I slow to a stop at the mailbox just before his yard starts. He looks up, and his face breaks into a smile. Lifting a hand to wave me over, the man turns in the path of Josh's gaze. I follow direction, and skid to a halt a few feet away from the two. Josh waves me over, so I rest the bike on his driveway, and come up to him.

  "Hey Luke, this is my father. Dad this is my boyfriend" he says, just like that. I almost flinch at the look his dad gives me, but he doesn't pay it any mind as he pulls me into a hug. I feel super awkward standing there, but Josh doesn't seem to mind.

  "Hello Lucas" he says stiffly. "Do you mind giving me a minute alone with my son?” He asks, before turning back to his son. I stand there, Josh's arms knitted tightly around my waist. I go to pull away, and Josh looks at me, shaking his head. He turns to his dad.

  "Whatever you want to say to me, you can say it in front of him" he commands, not wavering even a bit.

  "Okay? You know my rules, and you know what I expect. You will not just piss away your future, and still get a free ride" he says angrily. I look between the two of them as they continue their argument.

  What the hell did I just walk in on? Josh glares at his father, finally dropping his arm from around my waist. He animatedly begins to argue back, his hands all over the place.

  "I am not pissing away my future dad. I'm leaving for college in like three days. How is that even remotely failing? I graduated high school an entire year early, and now I'm going to college. I hear it's quite popular these days.” He says with a snort.

  “Not everyone strives to inherit a company from their family and live in the same little town from birth to death. I want to be a doctor. I don't want to sell RV's like you. That's not my plan" he tries to explain, the situation finally coming a little clearer, as they continue.

  "Your drea
ms are so unrealistic. You're not even that good at academics, so how the hell do you expect to get into medical school? Who is going to pay for all those years?" he demands. Josh cracks his neck, fighting back anger with every breath.

  "I graduated with a 3.8 GPA dad. I was accepted to Auburn University and isn't that what my damn college fund is for?" he demands, and his dad laughs mirthlessly.

  That fund won't even be enough for three years at Auburn, and I will not fund another one of your phases. You will work for our company, and that is how you're going to pay for your fourth, and final year of business school." He says, and I see Josh scowl again. His dad is trying to force him into a future he doesn't want.

  "I'm never working for the damn company, and I'm not stopping at a bachelor’s degree, and I'm not going to school for business" he shouts, his voice finally climbing into a yell.

  "This isn't a phase dad, this is me" he says, calmer. His face showing tenderness. His dad barks with laughter.

  "You? This isn't you" he says humorously, waving his hands at the whole situation, including me. "Medical school, this whole thing where you like guys, it's all a phase of rebellion. In a year, you'll be right back to normal" he explains, Josh's face is beet red at this point. I can tell he's about to lose it.

  "Being gay isn't a phase. It's who I am. Sorry that disappoints you, but that's your damn problem, now I have to go because we have plans" Josh says, his voice shaking with anger.

  "Things are about to change for you, young man, and I'm about to stop sheltering you. You're going to see how ugly the world really can be" he warns, before turning away. We stand there silently, as his dad walks down to the street, and climbs into his truck parked on the curb. We stay silent, even after he disappears.

  "Are you okay?" I ask, and he just shakes his head. He turns to me, before smiling. I smile back, as he leans in to give me a quick kiss. He pulls me by the hand and drags me inside. His mood seems to sink again, as we near the couch. I can tell that something is bothering him, so I sit down beside him.

  "We probably need to have a conversation" he says, as I turn to face him. My stomach begins to knot inside, as he says those words. That really doesn't sound all that great to me.

  "What is it?" I ask him, my voice wavering, I'm not entirely sure if I want my question answered. This is starting to give me flashbacks to darker times.

  "I'm going to college, and you're just going into high school." He says, and I look down at my hands, as he takes them into his.

  "Yeah, so?" I ask him, but never look away from our entwined hands. I can already sense the mood of this conversation. My tear ducts seem to sense it as well.

  "I don't think we should do long distance. You've only had three relationships, and one was long distance. You know how that ended. We don't have to break up completely, but I think we should release each other to see other people because we're both going into new territory, and it's not fair to expect each other to be alone but be unavailable. We should be able to see who we want, if we can't even see each other" he explains. Yep, my tear ducts are definitely about to act up. I finally look up at him, and just shake my head sadly. Wordlessly, we realize that will never work. He knows I would never see anyone, with him in the picture. He drops my hand, as he moves in for a brief kiss.

  I grab my shirt off the edge of the couch, and quickly put it on. He leans up from where he's lying and gives me one more kiss, before I stand up. He jumps to his feet, and quickly grabs his boxers off the floor. He slips them on quickly, before following me over to the door. I pause before opening it. When I walk out the door, I will be leaving him behind. I wish there was some world in which I would be okay with the arrangement. I turn to look into his eyes sadly. I know this wasn't a long relationship, and it was more a fling than a relationship, but he really did help me this summer.

  "You'll be home in December, right?" I ask him, and he nods. "Maybe we can spend some time together then?" I ask him, and he halfheartedly nods his approval. He pulls me into a hug, and I take in the scent of him, as I begin to tear up. I pull away, and he holds me at arm's length. We pause in the moment, just looking into each other, before he pulls me in for one last kiss. When we finally break apart, he opens the door. I head outside into the darkness, and head over to my bike. I look back one last time, before riding off down the street. His house falls away in seconds, and then he's gone. My last image of him is him standing in the doorway of his house wearing nothing but boxers. I finally let the tears reign free, as I make my way back to the hell that is my home now. I rush past the silent living room, not even looking to see what everyone else is doing. I lock the door behind me, and just collapse onto my bed. Tomorrow is the first day of school, so I need to get some sleep, but I am too busy crying. This should be fun.

  Part II

  Cold as you

  Chapter 16

  Reunion

  My eyes open the next morning, and everything seems so different, so strange. Josh is gone, and today is my first day of high school. Today is the first day of what could be the worst four years of my life. If things don't go well with my friends, and if I don't make any new ones, then I will be alone completely this time. I sit up, before looking down at my phone, which has not one text. Nobody texted me since I fell asleep. The thought really bothers me. I look around, and see that it's still dark outside, which is normal since it's 4:45 AM. My bus will be here at around 5:45, so I have an hour to do everything. The best thing about waking up this early is that nobody, especially Antonio is awake. I am completely alone, and therefore safe from the abuse. It's nice to have time to breathe, and not have to deal with him right now. It strikes me then that feeling alone in this way is a relief, whereas feeling alone in reference to friends and relationships is saddening. The difference is polarizing.

  I hurry to get ready, and when everything is completely perfect, I head out into the kitchen, where the darkness is starting to falter. The sun is starting to rise somewhere, so the sky is turning that strange color of grey. I sit down before the computer, checking the time, I see that I still have nearly twenty minutes, before the bus arrives. I quickly log into my Yahoo messenger and check for any active friends. I see Michael is active, but I refrain from speaking to him. I can't forget everything that happened, just because I'm feeling lonely. I scroll through our old conversations, just remembering the times he would write me, before we ever fell in love. Before any of that happened, before everything changed for me. I quickly log out of the messenger, when it’s ready for my bus to pull up at the end of the street.

  I hurry from the house, as Antonio’s alarm goes off. I leave early enough to avoid him in the mornings. I realize this with a smile, before walking to the bus-stop with the rest of the kids in my neighborhood. I don’t know any of them. I sit in my normal seat, right behind the bus driver. I love my bus driver. She's the sweetest lady ever. We have a conversation, as we drive to pick up the other two bus stops on the way to school. This year there are only two people I know. A girl named Lindsey, and a girl I was friends with on the bus when I was in sixth grade. She's two years ahead of me, so she left after my first year. She clambers onto the bus and sees me. She sits in the same seat as me and turns eagerly to speak.

  We catch up, while we drive to the school, and I find myself being ferried off the bus. Rae leads me in the direction of her spot, where she hangs with her friends, but I politely refuse, and head off to find my class. I remember pretty much where my homeroom is, but I want to go early, so I don't wind up getting there late. I know that I may be slipping into a depression, so I decide to stay away from people, and wait inside of the classroom. I find the room easy enough, and I'm just about to head in, when I see the lights off. She isn't here yet. I roll my eyes, before turning to slide down the lockers. I hit the floor, just as the door outside opens. I don't even look up as the person walks in. That's when I hear a familiar laugh, followed by her voice saying my name. I inwardly cringe at my bad luck.

  "Luke?" Christine
calls, as she heads over to me. I can see that she's smiling at me which throws me off considering how much she hated me the last time we spoke. I smile back, as she sits down beside me. I try not to laugh, as I see all the different colors in her hair. She reaches over to hug me, when she is eye level.

  "Christine. How was your summer?" I ask her, feeling timid. She smiles, before launching into her tales of a summer filled with drama. Her and Coral nearly got caught together. Now she has to have a cover up boyfriend, so her mom won't find out about the two of them being together. I really don't care all that much after how she treated me this summer, but I'd rather make up than be friendless. This will make Coral admit we're friends again too. Which means I won’t have to play dumb on certain topics, which will be nice admittedly.

  Soon the bell rings, and I'm herded inside by my teacher, while Christine heads off into her own classroom. I look around the room, for anyone I may know and find the only person to be my sister, and a girl I don't like much named Katrina. I head over to a short girl with dark skin. She has black hair, and looks Filipino, or something of the sort. I don't pay much attention to the short homeroom class, before I head into the hall for first period. I hurry to search the crowded hall for Christine if only to avoid her, but she's nowhere to be found. I head to the main building and find myself outside of my Algebra classroom. I close my eyes, readying myself for what comes next, before heading in. All of the seats are filled, aside from one in the very back right next to... Coral. I walk over to her and sit with a smile.