The Monikins

by James Fenimore Cooper

  CHAPTER X. A GREAT DEAL OF NEGOTIATION, IN WHICH HUMAN SHREWDNESSIS COMPLETELY SHAMED, AND HUMAN INGENUITY IS SHOWN TO BE OF A VERYSECONDARY QUALITY.

  Mr. Poke listened to my account of all that had passed, with a verysedate gravity. He informed me that he had witnessed so much ingenuityamong the seals, and had known so many brutes that seemed to have thesagacity of men, and so many men who appeared to have the stupidity ofbrutes, that he had no difficulty whatever in believing every word Itold him. He expressed his satisfaction, too, at the prospect of hearinga lecture on natural philosophy and political economy from the lips ofa monkey; although he took occasion to intimate that no desire to learnanything lay at the bottom of his compliance; for, in his country, thesematters were pretty generally studied in the district schools, the verychildren who ran about the streets of 'Stunin'tun' usually knowing morethan most of the old people in foreign parts. Still a monkey might havesome new ideas; and for his part, he was willing to hear what everyone had to say; for, if a man didn't put in a word for himself in thisworld, he might be certain no one else would take the pains to speakfor him. But when I came to mention the details of the programme ofthe forthcoming interview, and stated that it was expected the audiencewould wear their own skins, out of respect to the ladies, I greatlyfeared that my friend would have so far excited himself as to go intofits. The rough old sealer swore some terrible oaths, protesting "thathe would not make a monkey of himself, by appearing in this garb, forall the monikin philosophers, or high-born females, that could be stowedin a ship's hold; that he was very liable to take cold; that he onceknew a man who undertook to play beast in this manner, and the firstthing the poor devil knew, he had great claws and a tail sprouting outof him; a circumstance that he had always attributed to a just judgmentfor striving to make himself more than Providence had intended him for;that, provided a man's ears were naked, he could hear just as well as ifhis whole body was naked; that he did not complain of the monkeys goingin their skins, and that they ought, in reason, not to meddle withhis clothes; that he should be scratching himself the whole time, andthinking what a miserable figure he cut; that he would have no place tokeep his tobacco; that he was apt to be deaf when he was cold; that hewould be d----d if he did any such thing; that human natur' and monkeynatur' were not the same, and it was not to be expected that men andmonkeys should follow exactly the same fashions; that the meetingwould have the appearance of a boxing match, instead of a philosophicallecture; that he never heard of such a thing at Stunin'tun; that heshould feel sneaking at seeing his own shins in the presence of ladies;that a ship always made better weather under some canvas than under barepoles; that he might possibly be brought to his shirt and pantaloons,but as for giving up these, he would as soon think of cutting thesheet-anchor off his bows, with the vessel driving on a lee-shore; thatflesh and blood were flesh and blood, and they liked their comfort; thathe should think the whole time he was about to go in a-swimming, andshould be looking about for a good place to dive"; together with a greatmany more similar objections, that have escaped me in the multitude ofthings of greater interest which have since occupied my time. I havefrequently had occasion to observe, that, when a man has one good, solidreason for his decision, it is no easy matter to shake it; but, thathe who has a great many, usually finds them of far less account in thestruggle of opinions. Such proved to be the fact with Captain Poke onthe present occasion. I succeeded in stripping him of his garments, oneby one, until I got him reduced to the shirt, where, like a stout shipthat is easily brought to her bearings by the breeze, he "stuck andhung" in a manner to manifest it would require a heavy strain to bringhim down any lower. A lucky thought relieved us all from the dilemma.There were a couple of good large bison-skins among my effects, and onsuggesting to Dr. Reasono the expediency of encasing Captain Poke inthe folds of one of them, the philosopher cheerfully assented, observingthat any object of a natural and simple formation was agreeable to themonikin senses; their objections were merely to the deformities of art,which they deemed to be so many offences against Providence. On thisexplanation, I ventured to hint that, being still in the infancy of thenew civilization, it would be very agreeable to my ancient habits, couldI be permitted to use one of the skins, also, while Mr. Poke occupiedthe other. Not the slightest objection was raised to the proposal, andmeasures were immediately taken to prepare us to appear in good company.Soon after I received from Dr. Reasono a protocol of the conditions thatwere to regulate the approaching interview. This document was written inLatin, out of respect to the ancients, and as I afterwards understood,it was drawn up by my Lord Chatterino, who had been educated for thediplomatic career at home, previously to the accident which had thrownhim, alas! into human hands. I translate it freely, for the benefit ofthe ladies, who usually prefer their own tongues to any others.

  Protocol of an interview that is to take place between Sir JohnGoldencalf, Bart., of Householder Hall, in the kingdom of Great Britain,and No. 22,817, brown-study color, or Socrates Reasono, F.U.D.G.E.,Professor of Probabilities in the University of Monikinia, and in thekingdom of Leaphigh:

  The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.:

  ARTICLE 1. That there shall be an interview.

  ART. 2. That the said interview shall be a peaceable interview, and nota belligerent interview.

  ART. 3. That the said interview shall be logical, explanatory, anddiscursory.

  ART. 4. That during said interview, Dr. Reasono shall have the privilegeof speaking most, and Sir John Goldencalf the privilege of hearing most.

  ART. 5. That Sir John Goldencalf shall have the privilege of askingquestions, and Dr. Reasono the privilege of answering them.

  ART. 6. That a due regard shall be had to both human and monikinprejudices and sensibilities.

  ART. 7. That Dr. Reasono, and any monikins who may accompany him, shallsmooth their coats, and otherwise dispose of their natural vestments, ina way that shall be as agreeable as possible to Sir John Goldencalf andhis friend.

  ART. 8. That Sir John Goldencalf, and any man who may accompany him,shall appear in bison-skins, wearing no other clothing, in order torender themselves as agreeable as possible to Dr. Reasono and hisfriends.

  ART. 9. That the conditions of this protocol shall be respected.

  ART. 10. That any doubtful significations in this protocol shall beinterpreted, as near as may be, in favor of both parties.

  ART. 11. That no precedent shall be established to the prejudice ofeither the human or the monikin dialect, by the adoption of the Latinlanguage on this occasion.

  Delighted with this proof of attention on the part of my LordChatterino, I immediately left a card for that young nobleman, and thenseriously set about preparing myself, with an increased scrupulousness,for the fulfilment of the smallest condition of the compact. CaptainPoke was soon ready, and I must say that he looked more like a quadrupedon its hind legs, in his new attire, than a human being. As for my ownappearance, I trust it was such as became my station and character.

  At the appointed time all the parties were assembled, Lord Chatterinoappearing with a copy of the protocol in his hand. This instrument wasformally read, by the young peer, in a very creditable manner, when asilence ensued, as if to invite comment. I know not how it is, but Inever yet heard the positive stipulations of any bargain, that I did notfeel a propensity to look out for weak places in them. I had begun tosee that the discussion might lead to argument, argument to comparisonsbetween the two species, and something like an esprit de corps wasstirring within me. It now struck me that a question might be fairlyraised as to the propriety of Dr. Reasono's appearing with THREEbackers, while I had but ONE. The objection was therefore urged on mypart, I hope, in a modest and conciliatory manner. In reply, my LordChatterino observed, it was true the protocol spoke in general terms ofmutual supporters, but if--

  "Sir John Goldencalf would be at the trouble of referring to theinstrument itself, he would see that the backers of Dr. Reasono werementioned in the plural number, whil
e that of Sir John himself wasalluded to only in the singular number."

  "Perfectly true, my lord; but you will, however, permit me to remarkthat two monikins would completely fulfil the conditions in favor of Dr.Reasono, while he appears here with three; there certainly must be somelimits to this plurality, or the Doctor would have a right to attend theinterview accompanied by all the inhabitants of Leaphigh."

  "The objection is highly ingenious, and creditable in the last degreeto the diplomatic abilities of Sir John Goldencalf; but, among monikins,two females are deemed equal to only one male, in the eye of the law.Thus, in cases which require two witnesses, as in conveyances of realestate, two male monikins are sufficient, whereas it would be necessaryto have four female signatures, in order to give the instrumentvalidity. In the legal sense, therefore, I conceive that Dr. Reasono isattended by only two monikins."

  Captain Poke hereupon observed that this provision in the law ofLeaphigh was a good one; for he often had occasion to remark that women,quite half the time, did not know what they were about; and he thought,in general, that they require more ballast than men.

  "This reply would completely cover the case, my lord," I answered,"were the protocol purely a monikin document, and this assembly purely amonikin assembly. But the facts are notoriously otherwise. The documentis drawn up in a common vehicle of thought among scholars, and I gladlyseize the opportunity to add, that I do not remember to have seen abetter specimen of modern latinity."

  "It is undeniable, Sir John," returned Lord Chatterino, waving his tailin acknowledgment of the compliment, "that the protocol itself is ina language that has now become common property; but the mere mediumof thought, on such occasions, is of no great moment, provided itis neutral as respects the contracting parties; moreover, in thisparticular case, article 11 of the protocol contains a stipulationthat no legal consequences whatever are to follow the use of theLatin language; a stipulation that leaves the contracting parties inpossession of their original rights. Now, as the lecture is to be amonikin lecture, given by a monikin philosopher, and on monikin grounds,I humbly urge that it is proper the interview should generally beconducted on monikin principles."

  "If by monikin grounds, is meant monikin ground (which I have a right toassume, since the greater necessarily includes the less), I beg leave toremind your lordship, that the parties are, at this moment, in a neutralcountry, and that, if either of them can set up a claim of territorialjurisdiction, or the rights of the flag, these claims must be admittedto be human, since the locataire of this apartment is a man, in controlof the locus in quo, and pro hac vice, the suzerain."

  "Your ingenuity has greatly exceeded my construction, Sir John, andI beg leave to amend my plea. All I mean is, that the leadingconsideration in this interview, is a monikin interest--that we are metto propound, explain, digest, animadvert on, and embellish a monikintheme--that the accessory must be secondary to the principal--thatthe lesser must merge, not in your sense, but in my sense, in thegreater--and, by consequence, that--"

  "You will accord me your pardon, my dear lord, but I hold--"

  "Nay, my good Sir John, I trust to your intelligence to be excused if Isay--"

  "One word, my Lord Chatterino, I pray you, in order that--"

  "A thousand, very cheerfully, Sir John, but--"

  "My Lord Chatterino!"

  "Sir John Goldencalf!"

  Hereupon we both began talking at the same time, the noble young monikingradually narrowing down the direction of his observations to the singleperson of Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, who, I afterwards had occasion to know,was an excellent listener; and I, in my turn, after wandering fromeye to eye, settled down into a sort of oration that was especiallyaddressed to the understanding of Captain Noah Poke. My auditorcontrived to get one ear entirely clear of the bison's skin, and noddedapprobation of what fell from me, with a proper degree of human andclannish spirit. We might possibly have harangued in this desultorymanner, to the present time, had not the amiable Chatterissa advanced,and, with the tact and delicacy which distinguish her sex, by placingher pretty patte on the mouth of the young nobleman, effectually checkedhis volubility. When a horse is running away, he usually comes to a deadstop, after driving through lanes, and gates, and turnpikes, the momenthe finds himself master of his own movements, in an open field. Thus,in my own case, no sooner did I find myself in sole possession of theargument, than I brought it to a close. Dr. Reasono improved the pause,to introduce a proposition that, the experiment already made by myselfand Lord Chatterino being evidently a failure, he and Mr. Poke shouldretire and make an effort to agree upon an entirely new programme of theproceedings. This happy thought suddenly restored peace; and, while thetwo negotiators were absent, I improved the opportunity to become betteracquainted with the lovely Chatterissa and her female Mentor. LordChatterino, who possessed all the graces of diplomacy, who could turnfrom a hot and angry discussion, on the instant, to the most bland andwinning courtesy, was foremost in promoting my wishes, inducing hischarming mistress to throw aside the reserve of a short acquaintance,and to enter, at once, into a free and friendly discourse.

  Some time elapsed before the plenipotentiaries returned, for it appearsthat, owing to a constitutional peculiarity, or, as he subsequentlyexplained it himself, a "Stunin'tun principle," Captain Poke conceivedhe was bound, in a bargain, to dispute every proposition which came fromthe other party. This difficulty would probably have proved insuperable,had not Dr. Reasono luckily bethought him of a frank and liberalproposal to leave every other article, without reserve, to the soledictation of his colleague, reserving to himself the same privilege forall the rest. Noah, after being well assured that the philosopher wasno lawyer, assented; and the affair, once begun in this spirit ofconcession, was soon brought to a close. And here I would recommend thishappy expedient to all negotiators of knotty and embarrassing treaties,since it enables each party to gain his point, and probably leaves asfew openings for subsequent disputes, as any other mode that has yetbeen adopted. The new instrument ran as follows, it having been written,in duplicate, in English and in Monikin. It will be seen that thepertinacity of one of the negotiators gave it very much the character ofa capitulation.

  PROTOCOL of an Interview, &c., &c., &c.

  The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.:

  ARTICLE 1. There shall be an interview.

  ART. 2. Agreed; provided all the parties can come and go at pleasure.

  ART. 3. The said interview shall be conducted, generally, onphilosophical and liberal principles.

  ART. 4. Agreed; provided tobacco may be used at discretion.

  ART. 5. That either party shall have the privilege of propoundingquestions, and either party the privilege of answering them.

  ART. 6. Agreed; provided no one need listen, or no one talk, unless sodisposed.

  ART. 7. The attire of all present shall be conformable to the abstractrules of propriety and decorum.

  ART. 8. Agreed; provided the bison-skins may be reefed, from time totime, according to the state of the weather.

  ART. 9. The provisions of this protocol shall be rigidly respected.

  ART. 10. Agreed; provided no advantage be taken by lawyers.

  Lord Chatterino and myself pounced upon the respective documents liketwo hawks, eagerly looking for flaws, or the means of maintaining theopinions we had before advanced, and which we had both shown so muchcleverness in supporting.

  "Why, my lord, there is no provision for the appearance of any monikinsat all at this interview!"

  "The generality of the terms leaves it to be inferred that all may comeand go who may be so disposed."

  "Your pardon, my lord; article 8 contains a direct allusion toBISON-SKINS in the PLURAL, and under circumstances from which itfollows, by a just deduction, that it was contemplated that more thanONE wearer of the said skins should be present at the said interview."

  "Perfectly just, Sir John; but you will suffer me to observe that byarticle 1, it is conditioned that there sh
all be an interview; and byarticle 3, it is furthermore agreed that the said interview shallbe conducted 'on philosophical and liberal principles'; now, it needscarcely be urged, good Sir John, that it would be the extreme ofilliberality to deny to one party any privilege that was possessed bythe other."

  "Perfectly just my lord, were this an affair of mere courtesy; but legalconstructions must be made on legal principles, or else, as jurists anddiplomatists, we are all afloat on the illimitable ocean of conjecture."

  "And yet article 10 expressly stipulates that 'no advantage shall betaken by lawyers.' By considering articles 3 and 10 profoundly and inconjunction, we learn that it was the intention of the negotiatorsto spread the mantle of liberality, apart from all the subtleties anddevices of mere legal practitioners, over the whole proceedings. Permitme, in corroboration of what is now urged, to appeal to the voices ofthose who framed the very conditions about which we are now arguing. DidYOU, sir," continued my Lord Chatterino, turning to Captain Poke, withemphasis and dignity; "did you, sir, when you drew up this celebratedarticle 10--did you deem that you were publishing authority of which thelawyers could take advantage?"

  A deep and very sonorous "No," was the energetic reply of Mr. Poke.

  My Lord Chatterino, then turning, with equal grace, to the Doctor, firstdiplomatically waving his tail three times, continued:

  "And you, sir, in drawing up article 3, did you conceive that you weresupporting and promulgating illiberal principles?"

  The question was met by a prompt negative, when the young noble paused,and looked at me like one who had completely triumphed.

  "Perfectly eloquent, completely convincing, irrefutably argumentative,and unanswerably just, my lord," I put in; "but I must be permitted tohint that the validity of all laws is derived from the enactment;now the enactment, or, in the case of a treaty, the virtue of thestipulation, is not derived from the intention of the party who mayhappen to draw up a law or a clause, but from the assent of the legaldeputies. In the present instance, there are two negotiators, and I nowask permission to address a few questions to them, reversing the orderof your own interrogatories; and the result may possibly furnish aclue to the quo animo, in a new light." Addressing the philosopher, Icontinued--"Did YOU, sir, in assenting to article 10, imagine that youwere defeating justice, countenancing oppression, and succoring might tothe injury of right?"

  The answer was a solemn, and, I do not doubt, a very conscientious,"No."

  "And YOU, sir," turning to Captain Poke, "did you, in assenting toarticle 3, in the least conceive that, by any possibility, the foes ofhumanity could torture your approbation into the means of determiningthat the bison-skin wearers were not to be upon a perfect footing withthe best monikins of the land?"

  "Blast me, if I did!"

  But, Sir John Goldencalf, the Socratic method of reasoning--"

  "Was first resorted to by yourself, my lord--"

  "Nay, good Sir--"

  "Permit me, my dear lord--"

  "Sir John--"

  "My lord--"

  Hereupon the gentle Chatterissa again advanced, and by another timelyinterposition of her graceful tact, she succeeded in preventing thereply. The parallel of the runaway horse was acted over, and I came toanother stand-still. Lord Chatterino now gallantly proposed that thewhole affair should be referred, with full powers, to the ladies. Icould not refuse; and the plenipotentiaries retired, under a growlingaccompaniment of Captain Poke, who pretty plainly declared that womencaused more quarrels than all the rest of the world, and, from thelittle he had seen, he expected it would turn out the same withmonikinas.

  The female sex certainly possess a facility of composition that isdenied our portion of the creation. In an incredibly short time, thereferees returned with the following programme:

  PROTOCOL of an Interview between, &c., &c.

  The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.:

  ARTICLE 1. There shall be an amicable, logical, philosophical, ethical,liberal, general, and controversial interview.

  ART. 2. The interview shall be amicable.

  ART. 3. The interview shall be general.

  ART. 4. The interview shall be logical.

  ART. 5. The interview shall be ethical.

  ART. 6. The interview shall be philosophical.

  ART. 7. The interview shall be liberal.

  ART. 8. The interview shall be controversial.

  ART. 9. The interview shall be controversial, liberal, philosophical,ethical, logical, general, and amicable.

  ART. 10. The interview shall be as particularly agreed upon.

  The cat does not leap upon the mouse with more avidity than LordChatterino and myself pounced upon the third protocol, seeking newgrounds for the argument that each was resolved on.

  "Auguste! cher Auguste!" exclaimed the lovely Chatterissa, in theprettiest Parisian accent I thought I had ever heard--"Pour moi!"

  "A moi! monseignear!" I put in, flourishing my copy of the protocol--Iwas checked in the midst of this controversial ardor by a tug at thebison-skin; when, casting a look behind me, I saw Captain Poke winkingand making other signs that he wished to say a word in a corner.

  "I think, Sir John," observed the worthy sealer, "if we ever mean to letthis bargain come to a catastrophe, it might as well be done now. Thefemales have been cunning, but the deuce is in it if we cannot weatherupon two women before the matter is well over. In Stunin'tun, when it isthought best to accommodate proposals, why we object and raise a breezein the beginning, but towards the end we kinder soften and mollify, orelse trade would come to a stand. The hardest gale must blow its pipeout. Trust to me to floor the best argument the best monkey of them allcan agitate!"

  "This matter is getting serious, Noah, and I am filled with an esprit decorps. Do you not begin yourself to feel human?"

  "Kinder; but more bisonish than anything else. Let them go on, Sir John;and, when the time comes, we will take them aback, or set me down as apettifogger."

  The Captain winked knowingly; and I began to see that there was somesense in his opinion. On rejoining our friends, or allies, I scarce knowwhich to call them, I found that the amiable Chatterissa had equallycalmed the diplomatic ardor of her lover, again, and we now met onthe best possible terms. The protocol was accepted by acclamation; andpreparations were instantly commenced for the lecture of Dr. Reasono.