Afraid to Hope (Secrets & Seduction)

by MJ Nightingale

  As she saw the lights dim, she heard male voices vaguely distinguishable across the water. Then Jay’s outdoor light flicked on and he was illuminated standing there at the end of his dock. God, he looked like her image of Jay Gatsby from the book that bore his name. Beyond him, she saw Jay’s father entering the house. Jay looked directly at her, and she felt frozen in time, in that moment. Just seeing him took her breath away. He wore a white t-shirt, blue jeans, and his leather jacket. He looked at her and something struck her, she wasn’t sure if it was his expression, but he looked forlorn, desolate. Alone. She rocked back on her heels, and still held herself from the chill. She hadn’t thought of putting on a jacket. His hand lifted and he waved. When she waved back, he smiled for the first time.

  “I’ll be over in a few, Louisa. Just want to tell my dad what to pack.”

  “Okay,” she called out. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

  She had to say this over Missy’s barking. Once Jay had spoken, Missy began to bark her greeting, pacing in front of the seawall, wagging her tail like she had found a long lost friend.

  Jay laughed, the rumble of it crossing the water that lay between them. “I’ll see you too, Missy. Five minutes.” He waved again, smiling shyly as he turned from her.

  Once Jay slipped inside his home, Missy was back at her side, ready to go in. She turned and entered her house, gave Missy a treat and filled her water bowl. She resumed her pacing again. She looked up to the clock on the microwave every minute it seemed until she heard Jay’s motorcycle pull up in her driveway. She stopped dead in her tracks. Her heart pounded in her chest. He knocked. He hadn’t done that the last few weeks, had just come in, because he was expected. It bothered her that he had knocked.

  Lou’s legs felt like wood as she made her way to the door. She swallowed her saliva, her mouth suddenly dry. She turned the handle and pulled the door open. He filled the doorway with his massive frame, muscles, and shoulders. His smile was sad. He was looking down at his feet and this bothered her as well. Where was his confidence? Where was her Jay? “Can I come in?” he asked after a moment.

  “Oh sorry, of course,” Lou stated embarrassed at her thoughtlessness. She had meant to invite him in. She stood back and Jay walked past her to the center of the living room, and he filled it. The house didn’t seem so empty suddenly. Immediately, Missy was there getting some attention.

  “Aw, Missy, sweet girl. I’ve missed you too,” he said as he stopped to pat her and scratch her on the head. “Go sit, girl,” he said after a few more moments. Missy went to her doggy bed, obeying instantly. Jay watched her settle, and then his gaze turned on her.

  He looked up at Lou then, and she felt awkward and uneasy. She had no idea where to start. Luckily, he spoke first.

  “Lou, I want to apologize. I know you want explanations. I’ll give you as much as I can, and I know I scared you with my episode. You looked so terrified when I began to approach you that it snapped me out of the state I was in. When I saw what a monster I must have looked like to put that look on your face, that fear in your eyes, it made me feel like the worst kind of monster there is. I thought I was a monster for a long time, and then I didn’t think so any more, and then I saw your face.”

  She found her voice, but it came out throaty as emotions were choking up her vocal chords. Hearing him call himself vile terms because of her reaction made her feel the worst kind of a fool for overreacting. “No Jay, I don’t think you’re a monster. And I see now that I over-reacted. Jay, my fear, my reaction stemmed from my past. My ex-husband was a brutal man. So, please understand that it wasn’t you. It was the situation. Like you, I got caught up by memories of my past. Jay, please don’t think that I see you as a monster. I know you came here thinking you have explanations to give, but so do I. When you approached me, suddenly, I saw Robert’s face in that moment, not yours. Can you understand that? Forgive me for not telling you about him sooner?” She was begging him to understand. Hoping her telling her story would make it easier for him to tell his.

  Jay’s reaction to her story was clear on his face. His expression showed confusion, anger, and pain. He took a step closer, and Lou stood her ground taking one step closer to him.

  “Lou, I am sorry you had to go through that. It . . . makes sense now,” he shook his head in bewilderment. “I don’t want to scare you, Lou, not like that ever again. I can’t believe some man laid his hands on you in anger. I would never do that. I have done lots of things I am not proud of, but never that. Do you believe me?” His eyes begged her to believe him.

  “I believe you, Jay,” she said and took a step closer. He took one as well, and reached for her hands, and she gave them to him. He squeezed them, shutting his eyes to the emotion that was overtaking him. He dropped her hands on the whispered words. “Thank-you.”

  He had his back to her trying to compose himself, and then spoke again. “If you’ll just give me a second chance. I do want to admit that the thought of another man laying his hand on you, especially in anger makes my blood boil. No man, and I mean no man, should ever lay his hands on a woman.” He turned back to her, took a step forward, going slow, taking his time, and she knew he was doing it to allow her time to adjust, but seeing the way he was putting his needs above her own, and really just seeing him, made her realize how much she had missed him, how much she really cared. What a great man he truly was underneath those scars, and secrets. Lou closed the distance between them and threw herself into his arms.

  “Oh Jay,” she cried into his shirt as he wrapped his arms around her. “I was such a fool. I knew from the start that there was nothing but good in you. It’s just so hard not to doubt yourself when you have made a mistake before. It’s my own judgment I don’t trust.”

  He continued to comfort her, until her sobs subsided. She felt comforted by his strong arms, but she felt he was still holding back. She felt the tension in his body. She looked up into his eyes. His grey eyes, dull, pained. “Jay?” she asked when he wouldn’t speak.

  Jay wanted nothing more than to kiss that worried expression off of her face.

  She had confided about her demons to him, and he had yet to confide his own. He pulled her in for a squeeze, and then let go.

  Lou felt the loss immediately. He was pulling back. She couldn’t let him do that. She tried to think of something to say to bridge the gap, but he spoke first.

  “Lou, can we sit?” he asked pointing to the sofa. She nodded, and went directly to the sofa. She felt exhausted and sank into the cushions. He sat next to her, but kept distance between them.

  “Lou, I . . . I know you want to know about my PTSD. My dad told me you, at first, did not believe it was PTSD, but that he and Monica and Victor helped to make you realize otherwise?”

  “Yes, that’s true,” she offered.

  “Remind me to thank your friends,” he chuckled softly, and she did as well. He shifted in his seat to turn to her to let her more fully see him. He also wanted to watch her reactions to the revelations he hoped he had the courage to reveal. He didn’t want to lose her, and yet, he was afraid to allow him to have her as well.

  “So, what do you want to know, Lou?” he asked on a sigh.

  “Well,” she asked twisting a lock of her hair. “I guess there are a few questions I would like to ask.”

  “Okay,” he said when she paused and looked his way with trepidation. “What would you like to know?”

  Instead of telling her his story, he was going to ask her what she wanted to know. She wanted to know it all, but would do this for him if it made him more comfortable. “I . . . Um . . . well, first I want to tell you my dad had PTSD, and well with him, I kind of knew what to expect. I guess I want to know how you usually react?” she asked wanting to know if his episode was typical, or more like what her dad had done.

  His hand went through his hair, a tad too long, but still sexy, she thought. He cleared his throat. “I usually feel pain in my chest, and like I can’t breathe. Like I am suffocating. It ma
kes me panic, and I have to move, do something to get the air back. It is like I have tunnel vision too, everything around me kind of disappears, and then all I see is events from the past. Sometimes I scream, sometimes I rush around trying to make the images go away. Other times I yell, or get angry.”

  Lou looked at him and he saw there was another question. He waited for her to formulate it. He wanted to be as honest as he could. “Have you gotten violent? Hit anyone?”

  He nodded, and her eyes widened, but she didn’t pull back or look away. “I have hit a wall or two, a car. Never a person, though. I may have hurt my dad and an orderly or two when I first started having these anxiety attacks. They tried to restrain me when it got bad, so I did not hurt myself. But I have never hit anyone, Lou. I just tried to brush them off. It’s best to let me move and get out of the way. I usually just pace around like a caged tiger, until I can breathe again, until the world comes back.”

  Lou let out a breath. She was glad to hear that he normally didn’t get physical. Her dad had not either, and as children, her and her brother had done what Jay had just suggested. They got out of their father’s way. Her dad ranted, screamed about Commie’s, or Congs, or his Nam buddies’ names, and paced about, sometimes throwing things out of his way as he moved about frantically. His episodes never seemed to last too long, and then he would collapse in exhaustion and sometimes fall asleep where he would throw himself down.

  “How long does it last?” she asked next.

  “Hmm, good question,” he stated feeling more comfortable. “I’m not really sure as I am not aware of time passing. Not too long, I don’t think. I haven’t had one in probably two years, but I would say the worst of it is over in fifteen minutes or so, I usually stalk about and leave and then find myself outside, or I wake up. So I guess I just collapse or something, my brain gets so wired, that it makes me pass out.”

  “Yeah, my dad would do that, too. Sleep when it was over. It’s like his brain needed the peace of sleep.” Jay nodded while she was speaking. He was glad he was able to answer her questions, and she seemed to understand because she had gone through it with her dad. So far so good, he thought.

  When Lou remained quiet for a bit, he asked. “Is there anything else, Lou?”

  She shifted then in her seat, and looked up to meet his gage. “A few,” she admitted.

  “Okay,” he looked her in the eye encouraging her.

  She cleared her throat. “I already asked you, but you really didn’t answer it. What brought it on, Jay, the other night with me?” He heard the pain in her voice. Knew she felt responsible.

  He tensed, and she saw it. He scooted to the edge of the sofa and pulled himself up. He began to pace. “Jay?” she asked worriedly.

  He stopped and looked at her. “No, this is not an episode, Louisa. I am just trying to think of how to explain it. You know? Find the right words.”

  “Okay,” she mumbled. “Take your time.”

  He paced a few more times. How could he tell her it was about her incessant chatter about her daughter, reminding him of the daughter he lost? The daughter he never got to hold in his arms. The daughter he felt responsible for, who had died, unborn in her mother’s belly. He couldn’t think of an easy way to tell her about Magdalene and Bronte. He stopped and looked at her. There was no easy way, he thought. He just had to tell her.

  Lou saw the pain, and it was the starkest, most raw pain she had ever seen in her life. What had put that anguish there, she wondered.

  “Lou, I saw horror in the war like nothing you could ever imagine. Saw the burned bodies of my buddies, legs blown off by shrapnel, blood pumping out of arteries squirting all over me as I attempted to staunch the flow. I have seen my mother bring home man after man, and shoot up her arms full of drugs, take money from men for drugs, but Lou none of that compares . . .” He paused and he could tell she was confused not knowing where he was going with this. He cleared his throat. “Nothing compares to losing your wife, your daughter, your only child.”

  Lou’s hand immediately flew to cover the gasp that escaped her mouth. He had been married, a child?

  Jay approached her, and sat back down next to her. “I had a daughter too, Lou. She died. In a car crash. She wasn’t even born. Her mom, my wife, she died too. Her name was Magdalene. I loved her like any twenty-one year old man loves the first woman to steal his heart.”

  The tears were coming down her face. Yes, she understood. The thought of losing her daughter had been a constant fear in her, for any parent. To lose a child, well it was just not natural. It was unthinkable.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered around her silent cries as the tears kept coming. Jay too felt the emotion of the moment although he didn’t shed tears. He’d probably shed enough, but his eyes showed every pain.

  “Thank you,” he whispered. His voice was deep. “But, you see, what the trigger was, Lou, well, it was you.”

  Lou straightened not understanding, shaking her head. She managed to croak out, “Me?”

  “Yes, you and you talking about your daughter,” he admitted. “I was tired, and hearing you so happy and excited about your daughter, knowing your daughter was coming home for Christmas reminded me that I would never have that.” Lou’s stomach dropped. She couldn’t not talk about her daughter. How could they overcome this? “Magdalene and Bronte, that is what we were going to call her,” he choked, and stopped momentarily. “They died in a car accident. It was Christmas Eve, Lou. Magdalene was due in two weeks. I could have had it all,” he sobbed once and checked himself. He shook his head to stop the emotion from overtaking him.

  “Oh my God, Jay. I am so sorry. I had no idea. Oh, how horrible!” She wrapped her arms around him to comfort him, and tried to soothe him, but he wasn’t having any of that. He held firm, stiff in her arms refusing the comfort she wanted to give him.

  “I don’t deserve your sympathy, Lou.” He pulled himself out of her arms, tried to, but she wouldn’t let go.

  “But of course you do. Losing your wife and child, like that, on Christmas Eve. Well, it all makes sense now. I mean it doesn’t, not that happening to innocent people.” She realized how foolish her words sounded, so she added more softly, “I meant that your reaction made sense.”

  “Yes, my reaction,” he stated stalely.

  Lou heard the note of bitterness there. “Jay,” she pulled back out of his arms that only held her loosely. She needed him to hear her thoughts. “I’m so incredibly sorry, but you do know that, although I feel horribly for what happened to you, my daughter is my heart, my love, and she means the world to me. I am so sad you lost yours, but not talking about her, not having her visit, that just isn’t possible, Jay.” She couldn’t finish.

  “No, Lou, I realize that. I would never ask . . . ,” he cleared his throat, and stood again. She stood too, wondering what was next. “I mean, it is this time of year. She’d be eight.” He cleared his voice again. “I wonder who she would have looked like.”

  Lou was crying for Jay. Silent tears ran down her face. She couldn’t imagine losing her daughter. It just wasn’t meant to be, the child going before the parent. She stepped into Jay’s arms and hugged him.

  “She would have been beautiful,” she whispered. He hugged her tightly then let her go. She heard him clear his throat.

  “Lou?” he looked down into her eyes. “I was drunk that night. I called my wife, who was home sleeping to come and get me, and she died. They died. And, it is all my fault.”

  Lou’s stomach dropped. He blamed himself for their deaths. Oh my God, it got worse! “No, Jay. No!”

  “Yes, Lou. That is what I meant when I said I hurt someone. What the fuck was I thinking, Lou? I should have been home with my pregnant wife, but I go out with the guys, I drink to the point where I can’t hardly stand up? Who does that when they have a pregnant wife at home?” He was pacing again.

  “But you did the right thing. The responsible thing. You aren’t responsible for her getting in an accident.” She
reached out to grasp his arm, and he jerked it away from her.

  “Yes, I am!” he burst out in frustration, and then he stepped back holding up his hands in front of him looking to see if he had frightened her. The guilt ate at him, and he needed her to understand. He needed her to see what kind of monster he was.

  “I’m okay, Jay, I’m not afraid. Go on. Tell me. Tell me everything.” She wanted to hear it. Wanted him to tell it. Maybe talking about it, confessing it all would help him see it more clearly. Dr. Fairbanks’ words were running through her head. He needs to tell you. He needs to tell you everything so he can learn to deal with the guilt. Realize that it isn’t his fault.

  Jay looked at her. She wasn’t recoiling as she had the last time he had lost it with her. She stood her ground and she was waiting patiently for him to continue. Seeing she wasn’t afraid, he released the breath he was holding and told her the rest. He told her all of it. She would see, finally understand how he had destroyed what was most precious to him. How careless he had been!

  “It was my fault. It wasn’t slick roads, it wasn’t another driver. Louisa, she arrived to pick me up, and two of my buddies, threw me in the backseat of the car. I was so fucking drunk. I heard one of the guys, say to Magdalene, ‘He will probably sleep the whole way.’ Then my other buddy Frank, he said, ‘Yeah, he won’t be no good to you tonight. There is no way his pecker will be doing the one armed salute tonight, Maddy.’ Both the men were laughing about that comment. I remember hearing Magdalene say, ‘Do you see my belly? You fucking idiots! Neither one of us is getting any until this baby comes. Now, get your drunk asses home!’ I remember thinking she sounded frustrated. It was probably because she was tired, but in my drunken mind I thought it meant she wanted me. I remember reaching my hand up over the back seat of the car. I was going to reassure her that no matter what I drank or how much, I was a man and I would was going to satisfy her. But my mouth was like sandpaper. So, to get her attention, I reached my hand up over the back of the seat to tug a piece of her hair. I was trying to get her attention. But instead of laughing like I expected she gasped. I surprised her. I felt the motion of the car. It was sudden, and I pitched towards the driver side door. Then the car shifted again suddenly, and I rolled onto the floor. I heard a loud noise. Metal.” Jay was breathing hard, and she could tell he was reliving it minute by minute. Seeing it happen all over again. “I don’t remember anything after that. When I woke up in the hospital, and they told me she was dead, that my baby was dead, our baby, I had my first episode. I was sucked out of that hospital and right back into the car. I knew who killed them, and it was me!”