Afraid to Hope (Secrets & Seduction)

by MJ Nightingale

  “Oh, my. Jay. No, it was still an accident. You can’t lay this blame at your feet.”

  He let her go. His voice was sad, forlorn, lost. “It was my fault, Lou. No matter what you say, I startled her, and it caused the accident. I woke her up, when I should have been home with her.” The tears in his eyes destroyed her.

  “Jay, no, no, no! You can’t do this too yourself.”

  “But I . . . ,” he tried to jerk away from her, but she wouldn’t let him.

  “No, listen please,” she stated. “It was an accident. Jay, it was!” she repeated firmly when he shook his head in the negative. “Jay, what you did was innocent. Yes, it caused an accident, but it wasn’t your intent. Lots of people call for rides home. Lots of people do innocent things that distract people. But never, would anyone blame them for this. I’m so sorry that this happened to you, baby, I am. You lost something precious, something you treasured beyond all measure, and you didn’t deserve that. You definitely don’t deserve to live with the guilt.”

  “I just wanted what I didn’t have growing up. This little family. I lost my dream, Lou,” Jay was crying, silently, and her heart couldn’t bear to see his pain. This man had gone to hell and back, twice, no three times. His grief wrenched at her. He turned from her, not wanting her to see the emotion there.

  “I know, baby,” she soothed coming up behind him. “I know,” she patted his back like she did when Veronica was upset about something Lou could do nothing about. “Life is not fair sometimes, Jay. I don’t have to tell you that. But, it can be good again.”

  “I haven’t seen too many of those days,” he was choked. She felt the sobs, through his back, but he held it in. He turned and crushed her to him, holding her face against his chest. She held on and continued to just hold him, knowing that words weren’t going to reach him now.

  After minutes of this, she felt the tightness of his grip begin to relax.

  “Lou?” she heard him whisper the question over her head.

  “Yes, Jay,” she asked.

  “This was a lot for me to relive. I need some time, baby. I need to go.”

  “What? Wait?” she said, but he was already pushing her away.

  “Please?” he stated already at the door begging her to understand. “I just need time to think. Have fun with your daughter this Christmas. I’ll be thinking of you, Lou.”

  “Wait. What do you mean?” But he hadn’t heard. He was gone and the door had closed on her question.

  Louisa stood in the lobby of the Tampa Bay International Airport. She was beyond excited waiting to see her daughter. She couldn’t wait to hold her in her arms again. She was in much better spirits since she had begun the journey here, an hour’s drive from her new home. She did have to repeatedly keep pushing thoughts of Jay away, but she was bound and determined to fill her daughter’s time here with enjoyable experiences. She had dug into what little she had left of her savings to get her daughter a new laptop, and she had splurged again buying them tickets to go to Disney World. She hadn’t been yet, and wanted to share this experience with her daughter. She would be here for nearly two weeks. They would have plenty of girl time, talk about Gary, watch movies, and see Monica and Ana. It would be a good time. She hugged herself as she peered over heads as the shuttle from the gates had arrived. Yet again, her daughter was not one of the passengers. She walked a few feet to have a better view, and waited the two or so minutes it would take for the next shuttle to arrive.

  Yes, she thought again, they would fill their days. She had spoken to Veronica earlier in the day, before she boarded her plane from Bangor International. Gary had been kind enough to drop her off. Louisa had teased her, and Veronica had laughed good-naturedly, but had teased her back. “Is your boyfriend coming with you to pick me up?” she had teased. It had smarted, but Lou had not revealed anything. She had just informed her that he wouldn’t be making it. She would explain it later. She didn’t know what she would tell her, but would think of something. Another shuttle arrived and again no Veronica on it. She must have been in the rear of the plane, Lou thought, as the crowds getting off were now beginning to thin. It would be the next shuttle, she was sure.

  Jay had just walked out, calling back to her to have a nice holiday. It seemed pretty clear to her that his thinking time would extend throughout the holidays. She couldn’t blame him though. The holidays had given him bad memories, nightmares for years, but did it mean he would forego them all together, forever?

  She also didn’t know the status of their relationship. She had wanted to try again, take it slower this time, but he hadn’t said. He needed time. But the woman part of her asked wasn’t eight years long enough? But, to lose a child, God, she just didn’t know. Her worst fears always centered on her daughter’s well-being. If anything ever happened to her daughter, she didn’t think she would be able to go on. And Jay, had been through so much more; a mom that was a drug addict, and practically a prostitute, three younger brothers that he had no relationship with, finding out he was not his step dad’s son, in and out of foster care, the military, the war on terror, the occupation, losing all those brothers in arms, then his wife, his child? God, it was no wonder his mind had snapped. How much could a person take? How much could one person endure? She would give him that time.

  The shuttle arrived when she made that decision. And there she was! “Veronica,” she called out seeing her right away. Her previously purple streak was green and red, festive. Her beautiful daughter with the blond hair, and hazel eyes, so different from her mom in coloring, was the picture image of her in every way else. She had the heart shaped face, the almond shaped eyes, the petite frame, but a rack that any man would die to touch. Their burden, they joked.

  “Mom!” Veronica waved and weaved her way through the crowd. Both women were in each other’s arms and the tears flowed.

  Veronica was the first to speak. “I’ve missed you so much, Mom.”

  “I’ve missed you too, baby girl. Here let me look at you.” Lou pushed her away and gave her a more critical once over, looking for what, she didn’t know, but satisfied she was all put together and her maternal instincts hadn’t sent up any red flags. She crushed her daughter to herself again.

  After another minute of this, and the tears began to subside, mom and daughter, pulled back, dried their eyes and Louisa led her daughter to the luggage pick up area, and then home. This time she didn’t have to try so hard to put all thoughts of Jay out of her head. Her daughter was home!

  That first evening with Veronica was fantastic. Louisa felt like her house was full, as the two women caught up on all that had transpired in Veronica’s life since they had parted ways six months earlier. Veronica was in her sophomore year in college in Maine and Louisa had gone to Florida and her new life. Lou was so incredibly proud of the smart, self-confident, responsible young lady she had raised. Just twenty, and she was focused, and had her life all mapped out.

  When the conversation turned from school, to work, and then to Gary, things really got interesting. Veronica confessed to her mother that she and Gary had become intimate. She liked him a lot, found him incredibly attractive, she told her mother. When her mom’s eyes widened in surprise at that confidence, Veronica told her, “Don’t worry, mom, we took precautions.”

  “Do you love him?” Lou asked. Precautions were fine and dandy, but she wanted to know that her daughter had feelings for the man she had given her virginity to.

  “Mommmm!” Veronica laughed pinching her face up and wincing at her old fashioned question.

  “Hey, I love the girl talk, but I’m still your mom. Always!” Lou smiled her gentle admonishment.

  “Always, and a great mother. So, I will answer your question.” Veronica stated matter-of-factly.

  “Okay.” Louisa waited and Veronica blushed.

  “And don’t get weird on me.” Veronica waited for her mother’s nod. “So Gary, he’s gorgeous. He plays hockey, but he’s got all his own teeth.” Both girls laughed at
that comment. In hockey country having all your teeth was a good thing. “He is in many of my classes. He’s studying forestry as well. Anyhow, we have been at many of the same parties, study groups. Over Thanksgiving, he was also on that weekend field study trip I went on.”

  “So, you have known him awhile?” Lou interposed.

  “Yes,” Veronica stated and continued. “He is funny, and tall, has blond hair. He is 21.

  “That all sounds great.” Louisa nodded and interjected. Her daughter hadn’t answered her question, but her face was animated. She could tell by the spark in her eyes, that she liked this boy, er, man, she thought.

  “Well, anyhow, we felt this connection. It was like, I don’t know . . . electricity. We went out a few times with other classmates. He always paid me quite a bit of attention. Then I asked him out.”

  “You asked him out!” Lou laughed. Her daughter was courageous.

  “Sure, why not? I could tell he liked me. His eyes were all over me. I knew he was interested, so I made the first move.”

  “You did, God!” Lou shook her head. Her daughter always had confidence. She had done something right.

  “Yes, mom, I did. Don’t act so surprised,” she added with her usual flair, and eye roll. “We went out a few times alone. It was nice. The tension was building so to speak. Don’t make me go into details,” she added when she saw her mom’s reaction. “Well, one thing led to another. I enjoyed it. More so, after a few times.” Her daughter’s blush was back and Lou decided to let her off the hook.

  “Well,” Lou cleared her throat. “I-I a . . . am glad you enjoyed it.” Lou didn’t know what to say. Her daughter was now a woman in every sense of the word.

  “Now mom, don’t worry. I like him a lot. But, I am not rushing into anything. I wanted to know what all of the hullabaloo was about anyway. I might add,” she laughed. “It’s quite . . . nice.”

  Lou had to laugh. Nice, well that was one way to describe it. Then she was thinking about her own past, and Jay. With Jay, it was a lot more than nice.

  They went to bed not long after that. Veronica was tired, and they had been up chatting for hours. Veronica made her excuses. She wanted to send Gary a text before she retired, and so hugged her mom one more time and went to bed.

  The next morning Lou was up early, and so was Veronica to her surprise. She was already out doors playing with Missy in the yard when Lou emerged from her bedroom to put on a pot of coffee.

  She watched her daughter from the window, and just stared. She was a woman. Her little green and red streaks in her blond hair, all that remained of her childhood. God, she hoped she grew out of the color streaks.

  She turned from the windows to go make coffee, for both her and her daughter.

  When she came outside with the steaming cup, her daughter spotted her.

  “Oh, coffee, you read my mind, mom.” Her daughter threw purple monkey and approached her mom.

  “Here you go, sweetie.” She handed her the cup.

  Veronica, blew on the coffee, and took a careful sip. “Mmm,” she purred. “No one makes the coffee as good as you.”

  “Thank-you,” Lou smiled before taking a sip of her own.

  “Oh, and by the way, mom, I met your boyfriend. Total hotness,” Veronica murmured before taking another sip.

  Louisa coughed and choked down a scalding mouthful of coffee. Jay? She had met him? “You what?” she sputtered.

  “You okay?” Veronica voiced her concern, as she patted her mom on the back.

  “Yes, yes, I’m fine.” Louisa wiped at the tears in her eyes. “You were saying . . .,” she paused hoping her daughter wouldn’t ask for information from her yet. She needed to know what Jay had said before she filled in any gaps.

  “Oh, yeah. Jay . . . Whew . . . Mom, pretty hot if I do say so myself. He was over there,” Veronica pointed across the canal. “Pretty convenient,” she added teasingly as her eyebrows rose and fell repeatedly.

  “Did he come over?” Lou was sure she would have heard the motorcycle.

  “No,” Veronica shook her head. “He said he was just picking up a few things before he went back to his dad’s place. Told me he only rented the place for ten months a year. The owners will be back in a week or so.”

  “Oh,” Lou stated lamely trying to hide the disappointment from her voice.

  Veronica looked at her quizzically. “Um, yeah . . . he told me he was sorry he wouldn’t be spending Christmas Eve with us. Had some prior commitments.”

  “He did,” Lou agreed. That took out one thing she had to explain.

  “Yes, he said it was a tough day for him, and that you would explain it. An anniversary of sorts?” she questioned.

  “Yes,” Lou nodded around the lump in her throat. He had approached and spoken to her daughter despite his loss. The significance of that was not lost on her. He had given her permission indirectly to be honest with her daughter. “He had a daughter and lost her on Christmas Eve.”

  “Oh, how sad,” Veronica remarked looking across the water. “He shouldn’t be alone, but I guess he wants to grieve.”

  “You’re right, Veronica. He shouldn’t be alone, but it is how he wants it.” Her daughter saw things in simple terms, and maybe seeing it that way made the most sense of all.

  Veronica shrugged her shoulders, and then bent to scratch Missy and throw monkey again. “Well, we will see him tomorrow anyhow,” Veronica added and took another sip from her cup.

  “We will?” Lou said a bit too suddenly, too sharply.

  Her daughter looked at her quizzically, and added, “Um, yeah. He said he would be joining us for Christmas Day. He said to call him when you woke up.”

  “He did?” Again her voice could not hide her surprise.

  “Yes, mom, he did! What’s up? You’re acting very strange.”

  “Um, I’ll explain later, okay. Let’s go have breakfast. I’ll call Jay later. Give him time to get home, and then we’ll talk.”

  “Okay,” Veronica muttered as her mom took control and began steering her back towards the house. She knew her mom was hiding something, and she planned to figure out just what that was. She knew her mom’s story and she wanted this for her more than anything. Her mom had given up on love to raise her, but she was full ass grown now, and she wanted her mom to find her own happiness. That Jay fellow, seemed nice. So big and strong, and funny, too. He had teased her about throwing like a girl. So she had thrown sock monkey at him to prove him wrong. When it had plunked just shy of his side of the canal with Missy ready to take the plunge, he had calmly took control of the situation, fished it out and sent it flying her way.

  “Mom, what’s going on?” Veronica demanded as she followed her into the kitchen, Missy in their wake.

  Louisa sighed. She recognized her daughter’s tone. It was the one she herself used on her daughter. The tone that brokered no argument.

  “I just want to talk to Jay first. Okay? We had a misunderstanding a week ago and have not really cleared it up.”

  “What do you mean by a ‘misunderstanding’?” Veronica questioned tilting her head as she sat at the kitchen counter.

  Lou began the makings of an omelet. “Well, I kind of want to talk to him first. See what or how much he wants to reveal?” Lou tried to stall.

  “Mom, I don’t think he would have told me as much as he did, if he didn’t want you to share it with me. He told me to ask you about it. Maybe it’ll make it easier for him.”

  “Hmm,” Lou thought. “You may have a point. I was wondering what he meant by approaching you. He could have stayed back and not introduced himself,” she wondered aloud.

  “Exactly Mom. And as usual, you are over analyzing the situation. Now spill,” Veronica commanded.

  So Lou did. She told her about Jay, the army, his childhood, the man he was and wanted to be by going to school to learn about airplanes. She told him about his PTSD, and his wife and daughter.

  Veronica listened to her mom, and despite all that she said,
she saw something in her mom that she hadn’t seen, ever. There was passion and compassion in her voice. Her eyes shone, and Veronica knew that was what love must look like. “Mom, you are in love with him?

  “What? Me? I mean I care. I . . .,” Louisa faltered. She couldn’t lie to her daughter and for that matter she couldn’t lie to herself either. She had done that before and she had paid dearly for it.

  “Yes, mom. You are,” Veronica stated decisively.

  Louisa sighed, “Yes, I guess I am. It’s just that I don’t know what to do.”

  “What do you mean you don’t know what to do? What you really mean is that you haven’t analyzed every angle, and played every scenario over in your head.” Veronica shook her head. Sometimes older people, it seemed to her, made mountains out of molehills. They saw obstacles as larger than what they really were. “Mom, love does not work like that. It’s not logical. Hell, it’s illogical. If you love him, if you think his PTSD is something you can deal with, then you go for it.”

  “God, how did you get so smart?” she asked laughing at her daughter’s impassioned voice, and simplistic approach to life.

  “Mom, you raised me to be secure in my decisions and when I commit to always give it my all. I’m just saying, maybe you need to take your own advice. Throw caution to the wind. I know he has been through a lot. But he has survived it all. It is amazing he has his sanity most times, if at all. And, he clearly loves you? So . . . ,” she added.