by Cee, DW
“We go nowhere, Ben.” Marni slid her hand over mine. “I know how much you loved my sister. As much as I thank you for sharing your heart with me, I don’t think you would have felt anything for me if I wasn’t such a huge part of Ali’s life. Your baby girl is the sole reason you see me in a different light. It could have been anyone else, anyone who loved and cared for Ali. What you thought you felt for me was more a grieving man looking to replace a mother for his child. I know you still love Melody. I haven’t been on your radar since halfway through my freshman year in college.”
I was damn angry with her patronizing remark. “Don’t tell me what I’m feeling. Don’t belittle my feelings. Don’t fucking tell me what’s going on in my heart. Do you think it was easy for me to open up to you? Do you think I don’t feel guilty as hell about forgetting my wife already? There are days when I don’t think about her at all. I wonder what you are doing with my daughter, when I can come home and join the two of you, and where we can go on our next outing. So many days I forget that you are not mother and wife in this family. Don’t fucking condescend, Marni.”
I lost it and left.
Chapter 6 - Noah
How Deep Is Your Love ~Bee Gees
“I saw Dad while I was on the ship and he asked when we were thinking of having kids. What do you think, Siena? Should we try for a family?”
“Hell no. We’re too young for that. I’m thinking we should wait at least another five years before we even think about having kids.”
“Seriously? You want to wait that long? Won’t you be a little old?”
“Nope. I don’t want the responsibility and I don’t want to lose my figure. It’ll be a while before we see any Bergstrom babies.”
“All right…let’s change the topic to Christmas. Mom wants all of us to spend it in Hawaii.”
“Nope. Can’t. I promised Mom we’d be in Italy.”
“Siena. You were with your parents practically the entire time I was on the ship. I haven’t seen Mom or Carson since the wedding. Can’t we spend Christmas with them?”
“Noah. I’ve never spent Christmas apart from my mom. I can’t start now. Please? Please, please, please? Dad rented a spectacular house for us overlooking the beach in Positano. It’s big enough for all of us, including Roman and his latest girlfriend. You haven’t seen my family since the wedding, either. My mom misses you, too. Come on, Noah. Let’s go to Italy this Christmas and then we’ll stop by Hawaii to see your parents after the New Year.”
“I don’t have that much time off, Siena.”
“Fine. We’ll do what you want. I know how important your mother is to you. I’ll let go of what I want.”
“Is it really letting go when you make me feel guilty about seeing my own parents?”
“It’s not as if you ever ask to visit my parents. I find it unfair that we’re always having to spend holidays with your family.”
“Siena. We’ve only been married six months. During most of that time, I’ve been away and you’ve been gallivanting around Europe with your mom and the Admiral. I haven’t seen my mother at all. I don’t think it’s a preposterous request.”
“You know what, Noah, you do what you want and I’ll do what I want. How about that? If you’re going to be so unbending about holidays, how about we spend them separately? Then we’ll all be happy.”
“If we’re going to be apart most of the time, why’d we get married? Why’d you want to marry me?”
“You’re always going to throw that in my face, aren’t you?”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“The fact that I asked you to marry me, rather than the other way around. Do you think I wanted to do that? Every girl wants her prince to come along and give her a grand proposal. But what did I get? Nothing! I proposed to a man who was still thinking about his ex-girlfriend. I thought you would have forgotten about her by now. Is she in Hawaii right now? Is that’s why you want to be in Hawaii with your mother. You want to meet up with Marni?”
“You’re nuts, Siena. I haven’t spoken with Marni since we broke up. I have no idea where she is. How did she even pop into our conversation?”
“Forget it. I’m buying a ticket to Italy. You do whatever you like. Just know that if I catch you meeting your ex, we are through, Noah Bergstrom.”
Who the hell was ringing the doorbell at this hour? It was almost two in the morning.
“Hello?” I opened the door to a blast from the past. What the fuck!
“Hi Noah.”
“What are you doing here?”
“Is that a way to treat a woman who was once your wife?”
“Siena, it’s two in the morning. What’s going on?”
“May I come in or is that not allowed according to your fiancée, who’s living with her ex-boyfriend?”
“Siena.” Shit. I was not getting any sleep tonight. I could tell she was in one of her moods. “Come in.” There were no other options. My neighbors didn’t need to see my ex-wife in action.
“Why are you doing this, Noah? She doesn’t love you. She abandoned you for her ex and his child. Why would you marry her?”
“Not that it’s any of your concern, but since I prefer you hear this from me rather than whomever is feeding you stories—I love Marni. We will get married.”
“But you have so many issues with her ex and the baby.”
“How the hell do you know all this?” I didn’t realize I had a spy in my circle of friends.
“Everybody knows that you were a fool to allow your girlfriend to carry her ex’s baby.”
“I don’t care what everybody thinks. All couples, not just Marni and myself, have issues. You must know since we had a mountain of them.”
Now why the hell did Siena have a crazy, shocked expression on her face? “Our only problem was your ex-girlfriend.”
“My fiancée was not the problem. You chose to make her the scapegoat. We were too young for marriage, Siena. We shouldn’t have tied ourselves at such a young age. Our immaturity resulted in a one-year marriage.”
“You had issues with me spending time with my family. It wasn’t like I was having an affair, Noah. I was hanging out with my mother of all people. Why did that bother you so much?”
“What bothered me was your attitude that life was one big vacation!” I yelled. Why the hell was I doing this with my ex-wife at two in the morning? I should have just kicked her out. “I have nothing against your mother, father, or brother. I just didn’t appreciate them hovering. What guy doesn’t want to forge his own life? What man wants to be in the shadow of his in-laws?”
“They were trying to help you!” Now she was yelling. “You had such a chip on your shoulders. Why couldn’t you just say thank you and accept everything they wanted to give you? They loved you like another son, Noah. You disappointed Mom and Dad.”
I blew out an exasperated breath. “I’m sorry I was a disappointment to your family. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man you wanted. Obviously we shouldn’t have married, Siena.”
“Why couldn’t you love me, Noah?” This was where a bad night turned worse. She fell to the sofa and cried. “Why’d you leave me without giving us a try? You left as soon as it got tough. Without any warning, you fell out of love with me. Did you even love me?”
What had I done in my past life to have to explain to my ex-wife that I didn’t love her enough to make our marriage work? Wasn’t it enough that I had to suffer through nine months of watching my girlfriend carry and give birth to her ex-boyfriend’s baby?
“Siena. You and I shouldn’t have married.” The crying got louder. Obviously, what came out of my mouth was the wrong thing to say. “It wasn’t just me who fell out of love. You didn’t want to stay and work on our problems, either. You chose to run to your mother whenever we couldn’t work through an argument. Right before I left for sea again, I asked you to come with me. You refused and went on another vacation with your family. What was I to think? Your love wasn’t exactly convinci
ng either.”
“There was nothing for me to do in Georgia. Your ship was going to be stationed somewhere that held no interest for me. How could I set up a home for two years over there?”
“Don’t you see, Siena? We ended because you couldn’t compromise. It was always about what you wanted. You wouldn’t support my career, and you never wanted to spend time with my family; just about everything I did made you unhappy. You loved me about as much as I loved you.”
“I still love you, Noah,” she blurted and flailed her body into mine. “I left Rocco; I couldn’t forget you. Please tell me you’re not marrying Marni. She doesn’t love you like I do. Look at how she puts everyone above you. She’s using you.”
“I think you need to leave, Siena. I’ve heard enough.” I pushed her away and stood up, ready to open the door and kick her out.
“I love you, Noah. I have since our first summer.”
“I’m sorry, Siena, but I don’t love you anymore. When our divorce finalized, I felt free from the pressures to keep you happy and entertained at all times. I felt free to become the man I wanted to be. No matter the issues I may have with Marni, she doesn’t pressure me to be someone I’m not. We support each and love each other. I hope you’ll accept and respect my decision.”
“The girl who’s always been in your heart was Marni. I shouldn’t have replaced her. I regret getting involved with you again, Noah. I want to hate you, but I can’t.” She continued to cry on the sofa.
Since I’d said all I wanted to say, I walked to the closet, pulled out a pillow, sheet, and blanket and walked back to Siena. “Since it’s late, feel free to stay on the couch. But, I’d like you out of here before I’m up.”
She said nothing.
I left believing this part of my life was done.
Chapter 6 - Marni
How Deep Is Your Love ~Bee Gees
“Noah. You’re back.”
“I had a great time with you last night, Marni. Let’s do it again. This time, a little longer. Drinks, dinner and maybe even some form of entertainment.”
“You held me at the bar for over three hours last night. That gallon of water along with all your trips to the bathroom was the longest ‘just drinks’ I’ve ever experienced. I was starving by the time I got home.”
“I told you to order food. You were always so damn stubborn.”
“If I’d ordered food, then we would have been on a date and that’s not what yesterday was all about. Somehow, you turned it into something longer than a date.”
“Didn’t you have a great time? I sure did. It reminded me of our days in college.”
“Great time or not, we’re not reliving the past. I moved on a long time ago.”
“One more night, Marni. Give me one more night.”
“I don’t think so, Noah.”
“Why not?”
“First of all, I don’t want to get involved with you again. Secondly, even if I wanted to get together with you, a relationship would be impossible since I’m moving very soon. I’m not going to start and stop with you again. I’m too old to casually date. If I find someone, it’ll be a man who’ll want to set up house with me, and vice versa. So, we don’t work, Noah.”
“Wait. You’re moving? Where?”
“Noah. I have work to do. Don’t you need to be somewhere? Isn’t there a ship that needs its crew member?”
“Where are you moving to, Marni? You know I can ask around here. I’ve made nice with your receptionist already. Who do you think lets me in to your office?”
“Our company is setting up a satellite office in San Diego. I’m going back home to Mom.”
“That’s freaking awesome! When do you leave?”
“Soon.”
“There’s a naval base in San Diego looking for an engineer. If you’re serious about moving, I’m going to move with you.”
“Why, Noah? Please don’t do this. I don’t want to be hurt again.”
“I can’t ever apologize enough for that last conversation we had on the night of my birthday. We shouldn’t have ended like that—we shouldn’t have ended at all. Many times I’ve thought about us married and you pregnant with our child. Now that I’m here with you, I think we can make my dream a reality. Give me another chance, Marni.”
“I can’t, Noah. If you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting to attend.”
By some miracle, if you are up at this hour, call me. That was the text that came sometime in the three o’clock hour from Noah. Nothing good ever happened at this hour. I was worried.
“Hey. What’s up? Why are you up this late, or early?”
“I could ask you the same question, Fiancée.”
“Shit. You don’t want to know. It’s been a hell of a night.”
“Is it Ali? Is she sick? What’s happened?”
It warmed my heart to know he cared. “Ali is fine. She’s been snoring away as far as I know.”
“Uh-oh. It’s the little one’s father giving you problems?”
It also made me smile to hear him make light of my situation with Ben. For sure, we’d make it as a married couple. “You could say that. Before I go into details, you tell me what’s going on with you. Why are you not sleeping? I was going to call you early, but not this early.”
“You and I appear to be living parallel lives one-hundred-twenty miles apart.”
What could that mean? “I’m all ears.”
“You’ll never believe who came knocking on our door about an hour ago, and now she’s snoring away on our couch.”
“I’m scared to say...your ex-wife?”
“Yep. While you were dealing with your ex, I was dealing with mine.”
“OK.” This was too much. “You first. Your story is more outrageous than mine.”
“Well...Siena has regrets about us this many years later.”
“No damn way. What about her husband?”
“They’re separated, I think. We didn’t get much of a chance to talk about him. It was all about us.” He dragged out that middle word for a few seconds. “Let me recap what she spoke, yelled, cried, and berated: She still loves me. She’s always loved me. You’re supposedly using me. I never loved her because you were always in my heart. I couldn’t compromise. I wouldn’t take her family’s help. I didn’t return her parents’ love. I think that about sums up the past hour.”
“Geez. That was some night. Was she drunk?”
“Scary thing, I think she was as serious and sober as can be.”
“It makes me feel good to know my name was mentioned a few times.” I laughed. “Probably not the most sensitive thing to say or to laugh about, but at this hour and with the night I’ve had, that’s the best I can do.”
“Tell me about your night, Marni. What has you up and worried?”
“Before I tell you everything, can you finish your story? Tell me what you said to Siena.”
“I told her that I loved you. No matter what might be wrong in our relationship, we would make it work—our love was that strong. I explained to Siena why we didn’t work. In the end, I asked her to leave before I got up in a few hours. You’re not upset that I let her stay here, right?”
“No, of course not. OK,” I sighed loudly, “where to start with my story.”
“Start from the beginning. We’ll work through any issues, I promise.”
“When Ben and I were in New Orleans, he asked me if I was in love with him when he married my sister and if I was still in love with him today.”
“Asshole! That’s how he’s always been—selfish and an absolute dick.”
“He does have a selfish side to him. He knows it too.”
“And? How did you answer him?”
“I gave him the only answer I knew at that time. I told him that I didn’t know when and if I ever stopped.” As expected, Noah stayed silent. It broke me to know I was hurting him. “I’m sorry, Noah. You have to understand that I’ve loved Ben since I was little. I loved him like a brother, as a friend, as a love
r, and I believed he and I would be in love forever. Had we separated on normal conditions, I would have eventually stopped loving him. Something about him getting together with my sister immortalized my love for him. I don’t know if this makes sense, but not being able to love him, having to immediately bury my feelings for fear family members might find out, constantly keeping a happy, lying face in front of my sister and her boyfriend—all that hurt, all that frustration, all those locked up feelings—somehow, I never learned to stop loving Ben. It’s still there somewhere. It’s not strong, it’s not deep, but if you search hard enough, it’ll still be there.”
I found myself crying again. It had been a long time since I’d admitted to anyone that I never stopped loving Ben. If after this conversation, Noah wanted to rescind his offer of marriage, I didn’t have any excuses for myself. As I’d told Noah, when life told me I had to stop loving the only man I’d ever loved, I rebelled. Screw what societal norms dictated—my heart wouldn’t stop beating because someone decided my love life was dead. It didn’t matter that the man I loved was dating my sister. I couldn’t help the way I felt.
“Where do I belong if Ben is still in your heart?” he finally asked.
“You are at the forefront of my heart and have been for many, many years. Maybe you might think less of me for saying this, but after we separated, you were always in my heart, too.” I did feel stupid after making that statement. “Let me see if I can make myself sound better.” I sighed. “My dad, you and Ben are the only three men I’ve loved. You three also hurt me more than I can explain. I guess it’s kind of like unrequited love. At different times in my life, I’ve wanted each of you to love me like I loved you. When it didn’t happen, I went on with my life, but the longing remained. I loved each of you enough where I couldn’t completely let go. Can you understand me, Noah? Have I lost you a few days before we say I do?”