Reaching Answers

by Erin R Flynn

  “Oh, this is rich,” Neldor chuckled darkly. “You were so worried about my doing to something to you in your sleep and being the underhanded bastard around you and your own mate—who betrayed you once already and you stupidly still trust—was the one to do something to your dreams.”

  I couldn’t even deal with his smugness, tossing up a barrier around him as well. Let the asshole sit in a bubble for a time out.

  “Tamsin. Come on, Tamsin,” Julian whimpered, pounding against my barrier that shook me out of my shock

  “It was real?” I rasped, my tears blurring him. “How could you?”

  “I thought you knew,” he whispered. “I would never—we talked about things you didn’t know. How could it have been a normal dream?”

  “How would I know people could invade my dreams?” I threw right back, my voice getting hysterical.

  “We checked for magic on your bed when you thought Neldor was doing something,” he reminded me gently. “I wasn’t trying to trick you, love. I have many, many faults, but I’ve never tried to trick you of anything. I swear I thought you knew it was a dreamscape.”

  “No, no,” I choked out, covering my face and giving a wordless scream. “All I did. What I let you—no, it—how could it have been real?”

  “What did you think it was, agra?” Darby cut in. “However long this was all going on?”

  “My subconscious trying to move on,” I whispered. “Work through my issues with him and how bad I felt about myself that I couldn’t let him go after being apart much longer than we were even together. I mean, it’s almost a year since he started drifting and really, we were done. I can’t let go. I thought I finally—I thought if I—this might help me.”

  “No, please,” Julian begged. “Please, love. Please don’t say it.”

  I had to, meeting his gaze and taking down my barrier. “I thought last night was closure. I texted White this morning asking about sleeping draughts that wouldn’t let me dream anymore.”

  He reacted as if I slapped him. Julian backed away from me and towards the terrace as his magic ramped up. He was losing it.

  I didn’t know that was possible for him in regards to his magic. My eyes went wide as he threw open the door and hurried outside, falling to his knees on the hard stones and letting out a bellow.

  “No!” someone shouted as I rushed towards Julian. I didn’t even realize I was doing it but suddenly, I was.

  I wrapped a barrier around us so his magic didn’t hurt someone or do something unintended. Tears ran down my cheeks as I felt his pain, his agony at my rejection and the loss of me all over again.

  And the guilt ate at me. I’d jerked him around once by letting us have sex and not realizing what it’d meant, but he’d thought this was us making progress.

  To me, it had been… I still wasn’t sure. I simply knew I loved him and that love was killing both of us. It had to stop.

  “No, it means we should be together,” he choked out.

  I winced, realizing I had been projecting what I’d felt and been thinking. “I can’t, Julian.”

  “It was all real, love,” he pushed. “You talked to me. You shared everything with me again. We were…” He trailed off when I looked away. “Can you please, please, take today and think over what happened now that you know it was real? Please?”

  I nodded. I could do that. I owed him that much.

  Though I wasn’t sure how I felt guilty when he should have made extra sure I knew it wasn’t a dream.

  “You’re right, I should have,” he agreed. “You said something that first morning that teased me and I winked at you. I thought that was our understanding. I thought we—I would never have tricked you. I would never want—”

  “I know. I know that,” I whispered. For all of his faults, Craftsman would never try underhanded anything to trap a woman or control her.

  Not after his family had spent his whole life trying to do that to him.

  He moved his forehead to mine as his magic started scaling back. “It was real and we were happy. I could make you happy like that for real again. I love you so, so much, Tamsin. I know I messed up so much, but I’m ready this time. I’m ready for my feelings for you too and be the man you deserve. I swear it. Give me the chance, and I swear to you that you won’t regret it.”

  I sniffled loudly and kissed his cheek before taking down my barrier and pushing to stand. I would have gone right back down if he hadn’t caught me.

  The look he gave me let me know he understood where my mind had gone.

  Why weren’t you there to catch me before? How can you say you love me when you let me fall and get hurt?

  I muttered a thank you and pulled away. I headed inside and ignored everyone, going right for the stairs and the portal to Faerie. I wasn’t sure it would help me at the moment, but I needed away from everyone else and it was safe at least.

  Figuratively speaking. I didn’t think the planet had it out for me. It was simply selfish in that it would put itself and the survival of the millions of fairies trapped there before my safety. I couldn’t blame it for that.

  I just wouldn’t trust it until everything was stable. Maybe not even after that.

  Yeah, fine, I was one of the most distrusting people ever. I had reason to be.

  I walked out towards the darkness, going behind the portal where it wasn’t as far to go. We all agreed it was better to leave an area close in case we needed it as a reference or to study it.

  Or simply as a reminder as to what had happened and we were undertaking. What we were trying to overcome. At least, that was part of it for me.

  I plopped down near the boundary, feeling like I was about to fall over the edge into the abyss, into the darkness I couldn’t get back out of. It had all been real. Everything I’d done and said. Everything I’d let him do to me… And it had all been wonderful.

  And I could have it if I could just let him back in.

  But I didn’t have it in me. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t. I couldn’t open my heart to him again.

  And that broke my heart all over again. I broke down crying, sobbing that I’d lost the love I’d always wanted and didn’t know how to get it back. It wasn’t even about pride or I was disappointed in myself for still loving him.

  I was too broken to know how to move on and try again. I didn’t have the emotional depth or capacity to give another chance like this and I’d always known that.

  My magic might not have been stunted from my time with the humans, but my emotional growth and capacity to love certainly had been.

  13

  I flinched when my large metal water bottle touched the back of my hand. I quickly mopped up my face and glanced over in time to see Hudson plop down next to me.

  “Hydrate,” he chuffed, River riding him hard. The dragon hated to see me upset. “It’s some juice infusion from fae fruits and fae tea—which I didn’t know was a thing.”

  “Neither did I,” I muttered, taking it from him.

  “Apparently, Neldor gets bitchy without his damn tea and they managed to clear one of the areas where it grows closest to what was already open,” Darby explained as he sat down in front of me. “He has been nicer the past week.”

  I opened my mouth to blast the dark prince but sighed, realizing it was him who let them in to see me. Lucca sat down on my right, so all three of them had dropped everything and come when I was losing it.

  Which was super sweet. Two weren’t staying with me and busy.

  I sighed. “I can’t even give him shit about this one. I would have done the same if I’d known it was a thing. We aren’t from your world. Our stuff, it’s like… I can’t even describe it to you what it’s like to have our food.” I thought about it a moment as I also accepted several bags of fast food breakfast. “It’s like this. When you have such a craving for whichever place and you go just stuff yourself with it.”

  “You feel that every time you have fae food?” Lucca asked, not hiding how crazy that sounded.


  I nodded. “It’s that satisfying. The juice is better than refreshing water. The produce more than it is for you guys, and you guys say it’s so magical for you to.”

  “It is,” they all agreed, Hudson added a grumble to eat.

  Pushy dragon. It made me smile though and dig in. I tried the tea and groaned, like groaned. “Shit, I’ll be cranky if I’m denied that now that I’ve tried it.”

  “He said it’s not caffeine like we think of it,” Darby muttered. “But it has like, fae caffeine?”

  I snickered. “I have no idea. I’m shocked he was so talkative with you guys about any of our stuff since he’s so tight lipped.”

  They shared a look as I stuffed my face, Lucca clearing his throat and fielding whatever was going on. “They were worried you were going to walk into the darkness. All the fairies were. They said what they were sensing off of you wasn’t normal for a fairy and… They begged we go after you and help you as your mates.”

  I swallowed my bite loudly. “I’m not a normal fairy, am I?”

  “No, you’re meant to lead and be—” Lucca agreed.

  But Hudson cut him off. “That’s not what she meant.” He sighed when I nodded. “I’m not a normal dragon royal, my princess. I wasn’t raised how they were and I get being… Different. You think you’re emotionally stunted compared to—you’re not. I feel the same all the time.” He snorted when I shot him a look that he was crazy. “I think the same about you. Different is just different. It’s not worse.”

  “In this, it is,” I rasped.

  “Will you tell us what happened?” Darby asked gently. “We get it was a mistake. Craftsman is—he’s not the type to trick you like that.”

  “No, no he’s not.” I took a bite larger than was polite. “I don’t think I can without crying.”

  “Then cry,” Hudson huffed. “Just don’t choke as you eat and I’m going to hug you. Get it out. You can’t keep holding it all in alone. You have to be able to talk to someone about all of this.”

  Like I used to with Mel. My lower lip quivered. “I miss her.”

  “We know,” they said together again.

  “She was the one person you never thought would bail,” Darby whispered as he rubbed my knee. “The idea of letting someone back in when that has happened, and we were both such duffers, is valid, agra. You’re not broken. You just can’t keep this in anymore. Even if we’re still rocky, let us help you.”

  That was all it took. The flood gates opened and I confessed it all while I stuffed my face. I wasn’t sure it made sense all the time as I rambled on, talking with my mouthful and doing everything so attractive like that, but they diligently listened. Lucca rubbed my back while Darby ran his hands over my legs and Hudson kept kissing my hair.

  “Can I be honest?” Hudson asked when I was all done. He sighed when I nodded, my body tense and waiting for him to tell me I was stupid. “I wouldn’t have figured it out either but I think subconsciously, you did. You knew someone could mess with your dreams, and you’ve said multiple times this is a world with magic and to not believe what you see.”

  “We’re not picking on you, agra,” Darby said quietly. “You’re exhausted and have so much on your shoulders. But I agree. I think you knew somewhere in your mind it wasn’t just dreams, and it was your way to try and make up with him.”

  I could almost accept that except… “Then why did I text White to make it stop?”

  Lucca snorted. “I’m conflicted about how I feel about Craftsman and I wasn’t in love with him. I hate how he treated you but I understand it. Maybe better than any of you can. He comes from a controlling and messed up family. Yup, check. He doesn’t want to be like them, and it would spiral me out if I thought I was. Yup, check. I wasn’t ready to find my mate at my age. Yup, check. The list is…”

  “Yeah, but you weren’t already with her,” Darby sighed.

  “No, but I was trying and honestly, I could have fucked it up just as badly. Maybe.” He leaned in and kissed my cheek. “You see Craftsman as a real adult because he’s got his doctorate and a teacher, but he’s only a bit older than us. He’s not even Mel’s age. Even for humans, he’s considered a twit kid still, basically. For us who live so much longer, he is a twit kid to most.”

  That was true and fair. I did judge him harsher because I saw him as a real adult. “I don’t know what to do.”

  “Give him another chance,” Hudson whispered, the other two nodding, which shocked the shit out of me.

  Something I didn’t hide well and amused them.

  “You love him so much, agra,” Darby murmured. “You do. We—you are not weak for still loving him. It’s real. You lost him. Why does that matter that it was a breakup and not death? It’s all grief. The difference here is you can have him back.”

  “He’ll leave me again,” I choked out.

  Lucca snorted. “That’s your pain talking because that man will not leave you. He will not make the same mistakes. Different ones? Oh yeah, we all will, but Julian Craftsman will not risk losing you again when it’s destroyed his soul and risked his one chance at happiness.”

  Wow. Just wow.

  “I can’t let him back in.”

  “Maybe not, but you were happier, agra,” Darby whispered. “You have been for the past few weeks and we thought…”

  “It was you making up with us,” Lucca grumbled.

  “That’s helped,” I defended.

  “And me,” Hudson added.

  I shrugged. “It’s not mutually exclusive.”

  “That’s fair, but it’s been noticeable,” Hudson pushed. “We thought it was getting real help from these new fairies.”

  “Again, that’s not wrong.”

  “Yeah, but part of it was Craftsman being back in your life. You were—the dark clouds around you were less. That makes more sense now.”

  I sighed after a few moments of eating. “I can’t disagree with that since I can’t be objective. Yes, I’ve been enjoying the dreams, but because I thought they were dreams. I thought I could have… I gave myself this break to be selfish, and then I’d move on.”

  Lucca squeezed my shoulder. “What we’re trying to say is that you don’t have to choose, kitten. Tell him what you’ve told us and you can have him too.”

  “But it can’t work.”

  “Maybe not. We think it will, and it’s worth the risk because you’re drowning without the part of yourself you gave to him. We think it will work out but if it doesn’t, we’ll still be here to help you this time.”

  “Will you? Will you really?” I whispered, not having as much faith in them as I should either.

  Or maybe they did deserve it.

  “Has being there when you needed me been one of my faults?” Hudson asked when the others didn’t seem to know what to say.

  No. I didn’t even need a moment to debate that. He was there after what had happened with Mason. He was there so many times when I needed to talk or a shoulder, the support of someone. He messed up in other ways but giving me strength—lending me his—was something Hudson always did.

  “I don’t know if I can do this.”

  “You don’t have to know,” Hudson comforted. “You only have to admit you love him and you want him in your life. You want him back and the rest you let him fix like I have.”

  I blinked at him. Could it really be that simple?

  No, because I fully expected Craftsman to realize I wasn’t worth the fight or what he wanted and walk away again. In other words, I was about to do something completely stupid and maybe overly selfish given there were millions of people counting on me to have my head on straight.

  Shit.

  We sat in silence as I kept eating, chilling a bit when I was finally done.

  Then we headed back.

  I paused at the portal, reaching my hand out to it but not activating it yet. “None of you will think any less of me for giving him a chance? I’m not a doormat for even trying to take him back?”


  “No, because he’s done a lot, been there for a lot that you’ve missed when you’re in so much pain,” Darby immediately said. “You also didn’t see how much pain he was in struggling with his own demons and then when you said you were done. He tried to get you back, but everyone closed in around you. You closed yourself in like with a barrier. I tried too. You shut down and missed it.”

  I nodded I heard him, several others having said the exact same to me before, and activated the portal. We went through and headed upstairs. I apologized to Izzy for messing up her hard work but she waved it off, saying others were more than willing to fill in and help her out. It wasn’t a bad idea to do that with the fairies now and again anyways.

  They would need some fun to help them get over what they’d been through as well.

  Craftsman wasn’t in the kitchen though, when everyone else was, clearly trying to see if I was okay without bothering me with questions. Was he trying to give me space? Did he change his mind? Had he reached his limit of my jerking him around?

  If that was what I’d been doing even.

  “Dr. Craftsman took a bottle of scotch from the assortment you keep in your study for the guards and went off on his own,” Irma told me gently. “I believe the library but I’m not sure. He’s still here though.” She gave me a soft smile when I stared at her. “Go after him, child. He’s convinced he won’t like your answer.”

  Oh. Oh. Well… I wasn’t sure he would still but I would be dying not knowing, so no matter how spun out I was, it was time to talk to him.

  I asked for a refill on the juice-tea infusion and headed out to possibly make a huge mistake. Hopefully not.

  But I wasn’t an optimistic person by nature.

  I tried the library first, not hearing anything and thinking Irma was wrong… Until I heard sniffling and the distinct sound of liquid being displaced when a bottle is flipped upside down.

  Like when people are drinking heavily.

  His hand froze in lowering the bottle and his eyes filled with more tears. “Please don’t. Please don’t say it, love. I can’t. I can’t lose you again and know I did it all to us. I can’t.”