Reaching Answers

by Erin R Flynn

  Fine, most times.

  And I brought some from home to use in the cafeteria. Those cute little soup spoons just didn’t cut it.

  I couldn’t really have been the only one who thought that, right?

  “My mum got fed up with my anger and sat me down at our table, two seconds from blowing her lid at me, which I’d never seen her before like that,” he told me, bringing me back to the conversation. “She said my anger was valid but it was misplaced, and my da loved us too much to have been careless with us. But I was too angry to see the truth and it was time to get that out, as it hurt her.”

  “And you are a momma’s boy,” I teased, smiling when he didn’t deny it, opening more cartons for me.

  “She’s a wonderful woman.”

  “She is. I like her a lot.”

  “She adores you.” He shook his head and sat back in his chair. “She beat me with everything in the kitchen when she learned I’d messed us up. Here I don’t tell her because I think she would be disappointed in me for dating a student, no matter how young I am or you’re a year older than the others your grade and much more mature. And she knows and is pissed I lost the best thing that ever happened to me.

  “She barely spoke to me for weeks, only yelling at me. She thought I did something stupid—well, other stupid because I’ve not dated much and I didn’t treat you right as a woman. When she finally calmed down enough to let me tell her, she was… She, White, and Edelman were the only way I survived.” He cleared his throat. “I don’t know how you went through ending things with all of us alone.”

  “I wasn’t. Izzy and Mel were there. Ray and Zack were a huge help. White and Calloway. Even Mrs. Vogel that night everything went down with Darby’s grandpa.”

  “Someday I want to hear about all of that from you.”

  I nodded, not wanting to get into that again. I’d broken down sobbing to him in the dreamscape, begging him to explain to me why he hadn’t loved me enough to come the night I’d been abducted like that. To me, that was bigger than any fight or issue we’d had.

  He didn’t have much of an answer besides he was trapped in darkness, and he’d heard White say there had been a blowup with the Moore family, and Zack and Ray had lost me. He had thought when he wasn’t in the headspace to hear much that they didn’t like me and I’d taken off. He’d thought he was the last person to try and chase after me and he couldn’t even help himself then.

  How could he help me?

  I understood but I didn’t, so it was best to leave it alone and try to forgive him for the mistake. It wasn’t malice or him being a dick, but a bad mistake because he’d been buried in his own shit.

  Who hadn’t been there?

  “But my mum sat me down and gave me my da’s stationary set and told me to write letters to him. I got mad that it was stupid and he wouldn’t see them, and I think that was the first time she was a 100% pissed at me and at her limit. She said, ‘If you don’t think he would find a way to check in on us and see what you’re writing him, then you didn’t ever deserve his love because we were everything to him.’”

  “What did you do?”

  “I started crying and writing, blubbering that I was sorry she was mad at me,” he admitted with a chuckle. “I did it because she wanted me to, but then I kept doing it for me. I didn’t show her at first, but once I got past some of the anger, that energy out, I realized I had real questions and issues I wanted to talk about. That was the point she wanted me to reach.

  “Unfortunately, the answers didn’t make things better and scared the shite out of me, but I wasn’t angry at my da anymore. I was angry with the rest of the Craftsman family and the universe for taking my da from us.” He rubbed his hand over his neck when I gave him a confused glance. “My da set up a lot to protect us should he die.

  “That lovely git you’ve met now walked right into the attorney’s office and said he would bury the man if he did any of what my da wanted, and the man’s family right next to him. He cheated and broke so many laws, I lost count. All to fuck my mum and keep me within reach. Even after I gave up my trust to break free, it was only in name, and he laughed later I was an idiot who gave up the money for nothing as he owned us.”

  I snorted. “That’s not being an idiot. Taking the money was allowing yourself to be whored out for what he wanted, how he wanted. You drew a line in the sand that he broke the rules to keep coming at you. You weren’t complicit in any of the games or bullshit the moment you gave back the money.”

  “This is why I love you so much,” he whispered, that love thick in his eyes when I looked at him. It shocked me, and he seemed to comprehend I didn’t understand. “Most wouldn’t see it that way, Tamsin. Most would think I was an idiot for not taking the money if I was going to get fucked anyways. I might as well have gotten the money and comfort instead of scholarships and traps with the previous headmaster.”

  I shrugged. “They were in it together, and their punishment wasn’t enough for all they did. It will be one day.”

  His eyes went wide. “One day?”

  I nodded. “One day.” I shrugged when he tried to push. He wouldn’t have a problem with what I had planned, but there was no reason to talk about it since it wouldn’t be anytime soon.

  But one day, I was taking that man and the whole Craftsman family down for what they had done to Julian alone. That was the one good thing I felt about learning of my lineage.

  I had the power to punish a lot of bad people. Legally.

  And I fucking would.

  With a big, fat, glorious smile.

  16

  “Um, can I use your bathroom?” I asked when I was done eating and everything was cleaned up.

  “Of course.” He stopped what he was doing and moved to show me the way. It was sweet, but there weren’t a lot of options of where it could be.

  Then I realized it was to hurry and pick up a few things.

  “I’ve never had a guest here, sorry,” he muttered.

  I bit back a smile, but then something the others had said sank in. “I’ve never seen this side of you. I’ve only seen the adult with his shit completely together. The adult who helped me get my shit together. You’ve never seemed like…”

  “Your age?” he offered.

  “Yes, but I mean… No, not really. I mean, Mel is, but not really. I just—you were in the same category to me, but she’s almost the same age gap as we are. I never really thought about it.”

  “I’m not a real adult.” He snorted. “I wish I had my shit together. I do in runes and in teaching. I tried to for a lot of stuff so you felt at ease in this life, but I’m not a real adult, love.”

  “I hear that’s overrated,” I joked.

  He laughed, but then moved out of the way for me. “Do you want to watch a movie or something?”

  “Oh, um, I was going to freshen up so we could…”

  Sadness filled his eyes, which I wasn’t ready for. “You’re not ready, Tamsin. That’s okay. I got the aura charm.”

  “That will get you in other trouble and cause problems we can’t risk,” I argued. “I’m okay.”

  “I can’t. I can’t do this if you’re not ready.”

  “I am,” I promised, knowing it was on the line of a lie.

  He moved to block me with his arm when I tried to duck in the bathroom and avoid his knowing gaze. “Love, I won’t be able to perform if you’re not wholeheartedly willing. I love you, Tamsin. I can’t be with you when you’re only having sex with me so we can activate a godsdamn charm.”

  For some reason, my brain only processed part of that—of course the bad part—and I blinked up at him. “You don’t want me?”

  “What? No, of course—”

  “Are you saying if I get naked in your bed, you won’t get hard for me?”

  “Of course I will.” He let out a slow breath. “I get a stiffy for you all the fucking time, love. I’m saying I will deflate if you aren’t into it. I can’t push you when you’re not ready.”<
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  “But you still want me? I mean, I know you wanted to be together again, but physically?”

  “Yes.” He searched my eyes. “Why are you asking that? We had sex at the arena and in all of those dreams. Why would you think I didn’t want you?”

  I didn’t have an answer. I opened my mouth but then closed it. The moment he glanced away from my eyes and to my aura, I ducked under his arm and slid into the bathroom, closing the door behind me.

  Why had I asked all of that?

  I’m spiraling. I’m spinning out and so terrified I made the wrong choice taking him back that I’m freaking out over any little thing.

  Awesome. Seriously, that would be awesome.

  I’m fine. I can do this. I love him. I’m fine.

  I was fine.

  I would be fine.

  I saw his towel hanging on the wall and decided it was better just to get to it. I quickly stripped off my clothes and freshened up—which I didn’t need since I’d come right out of the shower and only eaten since then. Then I used the bathroom and freshened up again. I probably spent fifteen minutes stalling, but then I walked out of his bathroom in nothing but his towel.

  “Bloody fuck, love,” he whispered from the kitchen area. His eyes raked over me, but then he looked up at the ceiling. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but let’s—”

  “Julian, if you seriously reject me right now, I don’t know if I will ever be strong enough to ever get naked for you again,” I blurted, clutching the towel to me. I stared at my feet and fought tears, feeling so fucking stupid and like this whole thing was a mistake. There was no way I could seduce him.

  Why didn’t he want me anymore?

  “It’s not a mistake,” he rasped, pulling me to him.

  Shit, I was projecting again. He was as easy to let into my thoughts as Lucca was now that our magic had played together or whatever.

  I swallowed a yelp as he lifted me in his arms. I let go of the towel and held around his neck. My clutching the material had messed up where I’d tucked it though, so I felt it slipping.

  He gracefully laid me on the bed and moved over me. He mashed his mouth down to mine letting out a growl when I didn’t respond. “I want you so much it hurts, but you’re not ready.”

  “I don’t know what I am, Julian,” I confessed. “You switched gears so fast, it shocked me. We need to. I mean, we really should if we’re going to do this.”

  “We don’t have to. Why are you so…” He lowered his forehead to mine. “Everything won’t be okay if we have sex, love. I didn’t leave you because of anything you were lacking. I got lost and I was coming back, but—”

  “No, I know. I didn’t mean—” I blew a raspberry. “You’re such an idiot sometimes. Most of the women and gay men on this campus are totally into you. They watch you all the time. If you suddenly start wearing an aura muting charm, they will tell people. I won’t be the reason your mind gets melted when we can just have sex and I love you. I just—we can just get over this part and…”

  Yeah, I really had no way of trying to smooth over blurting all that out when it was so lovely to say.

  “I don’t know what I’m doing, but this is so sure to me. I can do this.”

  “I know you don’t mean it as insulting as it’s coming out, so I’m trying not to get upset.”

  “I’m trying to do the right thing to protect you, even if it’s fast for me,” I muttered. “Does that make sense? If we’re getting back together then I’m going to protect you too.”

  “We are back together,” he growled, kissing me again.

  I returned it, but I knew he felt how hesitant I was. I wasn’t sure about any of this.

  Except I wanted him safe.

  He leaned back and pulled off his shirt by the collar, which I always found so sexy and seductive for some reason. And then I got to see his more defined abs and chest for real instead of just in the dream.

  “The heat in your eyes makes every fucking push-up, dip, sit-up, leg lift, and exercise I’ve done to tone up worth it,” he whispered, shivering as I reached out to touch the lines without even realizing it.

  I blinked up at him. “I’ve always loved the way you look, Julian. I think I’m just shocked you could get this toned.”

  “I think you just insulted me, love,” he chuckled, his face flushing as he ducked his head.

  “I didn’t mean it that way,” I promised, touching his cheek instead of his body. I waited until he looked at me. “I’ve seen you eating all break, and it’s not only chicken breasts and broccoli like the human fighters I knew or movie stars bitch about when they get ripped. You’re not a bear shifter like Lucca or a dragon like Hudson. Hell, Zack and Ray aren’t as defined as this.”

  “I went a bit far and I was a bit frustrated staying with you,” he admitted. “It was hard for me not to act on the dreams. I mean, I thought you knew.” He caught my hand when I went to pull away. “Don’t you dare apologize again. You did nothing wrong. I should have made sure. It was a mistake.”

  “Will you show me the differences and things I should notice so I don’t ever make the mistake again?”

  “Yes, and I’m glad you asked because I wanted to bring it up, but I wasn’t sure how. You should know that.” He leaned down and brushed his lips over mine. “I love you so much, my sweet fairy. I’ve missed you so, so much. Thank you for taking me back.”

  I wasn’t sure what I was going to say to that, but he took me at my word that I was really going to do this and kissed along my jaw and down my neck. Then his lips worked all over my collarbone, stopping to leave kiss marks we both knew were meant to be possessive but would heal. My skin felt on fire as his hands slid under the towel and he opened it up like a present for him.

  But my heart was still conflicted.

  “I love you. This is right and we’re meant to be together,” he rasped as he kissed down to my chest. “I’ll cherish you. I won’t let you go this time, I swear it.”

  I blinked against tears as I stared at the ceiling. I didn’t want to cry then—or ever really—but I couldn’t stop feeling so… Wounded. He had hurt me so badly that I couldn’t see how I could truly ever heal from it.

  He lavished attention and praise on my breasts before he kissed along my stomach, saying he was going to kiss every inch of me to memorize my perfect body again. The moment I felt a tear on my hip, my own leaked out of my eyes. I’d hurt him so much by not taking him back quicker, by not being able to forgive him sooner.

  By still not being able to forgive him.

  “I’ll give you everything they all do combined, my sweet fairy. I swear it. I swear my love is true and my soul is yours. Please just don’t leave me again. I can’t survive in this world without you. I’ll do anything, be anyone you want, but love me again and let me in someday. You’re all that matters.”

  I hadn’t realized I’d turned my telepathy on, quickly shutting it off as my eyes overflowed.

  But it came back on. He turned it on. Somehow him being my mate and able to join our magics let him control my telepathy when we were this close or intimate. It took me a few moments to realize that and right as I was about to panic—not about him being able to do that, but the idea of losing control over the power again—he licked me in the best spot.

  Julian Craftsman had a lot of faults—as we all did—but knowing how to touch a woman and please her was not one of them. He gave his full attention to her enjoyment and made sure it was one of the best experiences she’d ever had.

  Fuck, I’d missed it. Not to say the others were lacking, but this connection and treatment from him was… It was part of why I hurt so badly that he’d faded and forgotten me. He paid so much attention at times that when he didn’t, it was as if all the sun was gone and that warmth of love turned into freezing rain. When he took his gaze off of me, I felt cold and alone more than normal.

  His fingers digging in my skin made me realize he was hearing my thoughts. Shit.

  I turned it off and
focused on the pleasure he was giving me. He flipped it right back on, but I kept my attention to where it should be.

  Three times in a row.

  Wow.

  I gasped for air as he rolled off the bed and went for his drink, wiping his mouth before taking several long swigs of it. I knew him well enough not to be offended. He’d done it dozens of time before and I found it oddly comforting. He loved the taste of me, but he was always considerate of me and didn’t want me to be turned off by tasting myself on his lips.

  He smiled when he saw me watching him. Setting down his drink, he moved back by the bed. “We can stop here. This was everything and—”

  “I won’t risk you any more than you’d risk me, Julian.” I shook my head when he went to argue. “My gut is telling me not to be stupid on this, and I’ve survived a lot listening to my gut. Maybe it’s pushing me when it shouldn’t but… Trust me, okay?”

  “Always. I always trust you. I just can’t hurt you again.”

  “You will. We both will. I’ve hurt you so much too,” I whispered. “Hopefully, we just won’t make the same mistakes. That’s what I hope, I guess.”

  “That’s a good hope, love.” He cleared this throat as he eyed me over. “You’re sure?”

  “Get in the bed, Julian, or I’ll leave.”

  He tried to get his pants off so fucking fast, he tripped.

  Twice.

  Taking off the shoes first helped.

  And then he was naked on the bed with me and I was scared again.

  “Don’t be scared,” he breathed before kissing me. “We’re meant to be. I know it.”

  I nodded, not sure what else to do. But he did. He knew I couldn’t take any more lead up or checking, I just needed to… Not get over this, but move forward if we were going to do this.

  Except one thing.

  “Where’s the charm? You got a new one, right?”

  He sighed. “I almost forgot it. Shite. Sorry, love.” He rolled off the bed and grabbed it from his dresser, sliding it over his head before rejoining me. “I forget everything but you when you’re around.”

  I glanced away. But you haven’t lots of times I’ve been around. You forgot me and faded. You will again.