Reaching Answers

by Erin R Flynn

  “I won’t,” he rasped.

  “Sorry,” I breathed, moving my hand over my face. “I can’t control it around you anymore. Something about our magic playing together makes you able to flip it back on. I’m not trying to keep bringing this up.”

  “I know that. I would never think that of you, Tamsin.” He didn’t give me a chance to respond, kissing me before spreading my legs. He lined himself up and pushed inside of me as his other hand held my face so I stared into his eyes. “We’ll be us again.”

  I turned my head the other way. I couldn’t look at him when he said stuff like that. Not when we were having sex. Not when I was trying to hold it together.

  Not when I was trying to keep from crying again.

  “Don’t hold it back from me,” he begged as he kissed my neck. “I want the good and the bad. You’re not trying to hurt me. I know this. I want to share your pain so you can heal.”

  Was that how it worked? Wouldn’t we both simply be in pain then?

  Wouldn’t he resent me for not getting over it?

  I gasped as he thrust in me deeply.

  “I love you and this is real,” he grunted as he picked up the pace.

  I couldn’t hold back the tears then, crying even as I nodded and wasn’t sure I believed him. Could I feel all of that and his love for me as our bodies came together?

  Fuck if I knew, but I was.

  “Hold on. Hold onto me,” he begged as he interlocked our fingers.

  I moved my other arm around him and my legs, not sure if that was what he meant, but it seemed to be right since his other hand went to my lower back to hold me closer. It made me realize I wasn’t the only one crying, his tears landing on my neck.

  “This isn’t a mistake,” he chanted, his voice cracking as we moved faster, as more tears fell. He lifted his head and I saw he was as much of mess as I was. His hand came to my face and he pressed his lips to mine. “Believe in me again, my sweet fairy. I won’t take my eyes off of you this time, I promise.”

  I silently sobbed even as my orgasm slammed into me, his words hitting one extreme of my feelings as his body took every nerve I had the other way. He followed me right over, and I wasn’t sure if the orgasm was the best ever or the worst as I was emotionally exhausted as well.

  Both?

  Sure, both could be the answer.

  We stared at each other for several minutes as we gasped for air, not seeming to know what to say. Finally, he swallowed loudly and broke the silence.

  “That was everything, but now we’re going to go slow because I’m so bloody in love with you that I cannot rush you again. You pushed yourself so I was safe and protected, and now you’re going to let me protect your valid hurt and pain and help you heal as I should. Okay?”

  I let out a shaky breath and said the only thing I could. “Okay.”

  “Okay,” he sighed, relief thick in his eyes.

  Okay… So now what?

  17

  Loud banging woke me with a start, a strong arm keeping me from leaping out of bed to handle whatever was going on.

  “You’re all right, love,” Craftsman whispered in my ear. “It’s just—”

  “Oi, get your ass up and let’s go, Craftsman,” Professor Nelson said from the hallway before banging again.

  Craftsman moved his hand over my ear as if it would help much before shouting back. “I’m running late. Go ahead and I’ll catch up, mate.”

  There was a short pause. “You have a barrier up. I’d ask if you had a woman in there, but you wouldn’t even look at one besides the one you—is she in there? Oh fuck, if she’s taken you back, I will kiss her feet. You no longer a demon would be great.”

  It took all I had not to burst out laughing. Craftsman tickling my side didn’t help.

  Until I realized that he could call out through my barrier if he wanted. Damn, he was seriously talented to have figured that out already now that he could play off my magic. It was cool and scary that he could do so much to my power.

  “He’s such a dog,” I chuckled when Nelson asked more questions.

  “Yeah, but it comes from somewhere—he’s a decent man who can’t get his head on straight. He’s been good to me.”

  Well, that was enough for me to do Nelson a solid then.

  I wiggled out of Craftsman’s arms and slid on his shirt from the floor—giving him a nice view of my everything as I bent over—and headed for the door. Seeing that much of me distracted him a moment and I reached my goal before he could barely hiss at me to wait.

  I opened the door and winked at Nelson. “Yes, I took him back.”

  “Holy fuck,” Nelson whispered, his eyes going bug wide.

  “It’s okay, you won’t remember it’s me,” I teased. “But I’m going to do you a favor since you’re tight with Julian. Your former conquests are banning together to try and get you into serious trouble. Screw who you want, Nelson, but stop making it sound like there’s more to what you’re doing.”

  My accusation shook him out of his stupor. “I don’t make—”

  “You’re doing something that leads so many to think it’s more than a fling,” I argued. “So, so many of them. I hear it all. A few, sure, I would think it was them being stupid, but this place is a pit of vipers, not lambs to fall for shit. You’re leading them on.” I gave him a sad smile. “You’re hurting some of them the way she hurt you, and you don’t mean to. So cut it out before you ruin your life.”

  He was gobsmacked that I was not only lecturing him, but I’d listened to his thoughts enough to know about the ex-lover who had crushed him completely. I knew from listening to his mind right then. But he believed me, which was great.

  Good.

  I reached out to grab his wrist and used a fairy rune to alter his memory and what he saw right then. He’d remember what we’d talked about, but not the setting and the decisions we’d made. Nelson would also think he saw Craftsman’s mystery lover, seeing me completely different than I was. Just to be extra careful, I made him lean towards my being a fox or deer shifter.

  Hey, more confusion and subterfuge always worked for us.

  Once it was all done and I’d played the part, starting the introduction over, Julian joined me at the door and wrapped his arm around me from behind.

  “I’ll catch up with you, mate. I need to say good morning to my love and send her off right.”

  “Of course you do, cheeky Brit,” Nelson drawled. “Fine, just don’t be late for the meeting in an hour.” He muttered it was nice to meet me and clearly, having an accent worked out for some men.

  Twit.

  “You didn’t have to do that,” Craftsman murmured once we were closed back in.

  “People will notice you’re different. They’re too nosey and judgmental of everyone all the time here to miss it. I’ve told you tons of times that not having an answer or story ready is how people get caught.”

  “I only caught about half of that,” he chuckled, nuzzling my neck. “I’m too focused on you being naked under my shirt and having woken up in my bed.”

  I flinched. “I didn’t—you said—”

  “Slow. I said we’d slow back down and I meant it. I’m not forgetting what happened or pretending it all okay now.” He lips pressed against my skin as he hugged me under my breasts. “I’m just not going to hide how bloody happy I am you’re here and we’re back together.”

  I nodded, snuggling back against him for a moment before pulling away. “You’ve got to get ready for your meeting.”

  “I need to know you’re okay more,” he worried, snagging me again and turning me so I was facing him. He cupped my cheek and studied my eyes. “I love you so much, Tamsin. Tell me I didn’t hurt you by caving last night.”

  I shook my head. “You would have hurt me by denying me and I know that doesn’t even make sense, but I’m all muddled. I’m fine, Julian.”

  He studied my aura and seemed fine with what he saw. “Okay, but you’ll recharge a lot today, yeah?”r />
  “Yeah, I’m sure Irma’s already loading up trays and extras for me so I can unfreeze more tomorrow. It really was okay.”

  “Good. I don’t care if it’s selfish, but you mean more to me than all the fairies in that world and Faerie itself. I hope they all come back, but not if it hurts you ever again.” He pressed his lips to mine before I could respond. “Keep the shirt. It looks better on you.”

  I snorted. Only because it wasn’t a long shirt and barely covered my ass.

  Still, I had tossed any of his clothes I’d had, so it might be nice to have a few things again. I was pretty sure he knew that and wanted pieces of himself closer to me again, even if it was just his shirt in my closet.

  “Can I see you later? Tonight? We can…” He trailed off when he saw whatever was on my face. “Sorry. It’s hard to come back to school. I love teaching runes, but it’s like I lose you.”

  “I’m here too,” I mumbled, not understanding since I’d shut back off my telepathy.

  “But we can’t be us. We go from living together on breaks to not being able to stay overnight with each other. I can’t just sit with you at meals. It’s hard.”

  And I didn’t suffer through it as much because I had the others. That was what he was too kind to say, not trying to make my seeing others a thing when he didn’t feel it an issue. I couldn’t give him as much time as I did them.

  “One day, I won’t have to hide, or I’ll finally get outed,” I whispered, standing on my toes and brushing my lips over his. “And on that day, I will do that in front of everyone. I’ve never, not ever been ashamed or wanted to hide I’m with you, Dr. Julian Craftsman. It was to protect us both. Only that. Always.”

  “I know. I want to protect you too.” He kissed me this time. “I lost you because I couldn’t tell you how I felt the right way and let you in. I swore to myself if a miracle ever happened and I got you back, I wasn’t going to make that mistake again. So this is me keeping that promise. I have a hard time losing what we share on break.”

  “Me too.” I pulled away to get my stuff but paused on the way to the bathroom where I’d left it all. “Thank you for telling me. It’s nice to hear. You said a lot of nice stuff I liked hearing in your head, and it always upset me that you cut me off when you realized I’d heard. It hurt sometimes.”

  “White explained to me I was an idiot and how of course, that would hurt a woman—anyone. I couldn’t see it like that. I always wanted to melt into the floor that you would hear my thoughts gushing about you, love. I’m not smooth and confident like you are. I’m as new to a real relationship as you are.”

  I smiled at him. “I’m not the only one with self-esteem issues. You really can’t see yourself if you don’t think you’re smooth and confident.”

  He shook his head. “I’m not. I’m a bookworm geek who sticks his foot in it all the time.”

  “That’s really not true, Julian, or you wouldn’t have a huge fan club that I constantly get jealous over.” I shrugged when he gave me a surprised look I’d admitted that. “You know I feel good behavior should always be rewarded. If you’re going to work on letting me in, I can do the same. Yes, I get ridiculously jealous at their thoughts and fantasies because you were mine.”

  “Are.” He smirked at me. “I am all yours, my sweet fairy. Every other woman can sod off. Well, not our friends and allies.”

  “Yeah, not them,” I chuckled.

  I really did get my stuff and leave then so he could get ready and head out. I chuckled at Izzy when she made sounds like porn music when I stepped through the portal and back into our room.

  “You okay?” she checked.

  “I’m okay,” I answered, feeling it was mostly true. I didn’t think I’d just be fine for a while, but I wasn’t freaking, and a bit shaky was okay.

  That was better than yesterday, so it was also progress.

  I quickly showered and changed, grabbing my stuff to check over for the semester before we headed out to the cafeteria. Izzy had already gotten our books and supplies, but I wanted to make sure everything was as it should be and I didn’t need to smack anyone around before classes started Monday.

  “Oh, it’s the murderer,” Holly greeted loudly after we swiped in. “How are you, murderer? Did you murder anyone else over break? Any more vampires you slaughtered and won’t be punished for killing?”

  I felt the tension in the cafeteria shoot up to extreme levels and realized I’d walked into a trap.

  Amateurs.

  I glanced around and took in the scene, seeing several people filming the altercation for what they undoubtedly thought was proof. The one thing I focused on were the two guys who were holding Darby towards the back of the group. “Let him go before you piss me off and we have a problem. I’ll play this act and enjoy it but if you cross the line and touch my boyfriend, we’ll dance and you will hurt.”

  They were smart enough to let him go, but Darby didn’t push things and stayed where he was on the outskirts.

  I glanced around again and saw the teachers were staying out of it, meeting White’s gaze and feeling better when she gave me a nod to handle this.

  “Take ten steps back so I can throw up a barrier before anyone tries to touch me, and I’ll play your games,” I told the crowd… Of vampires.

  Confusion was all over Holly’s expression but she came to some sort of decision, snapping over her shoulder to have everyone move back. The confusion turned to pure shock when I took off all my charms and protective magic necklaces, handing them over to Izzy.

  Who muttered I had balls the size of Canada.

  Sure I did.

  “I like you, Holly. You’re my favorite person ever,” I said so everyone could hear. I glanced around. “You could all tell I was lying there, right? No charms to block my reactions or keep me safe. You could smell it, yes?” I waited until over a dozen nodded.

  Including Holly.

  I met her gaze full on. “I’ve never murdered anyone. I have killed people in self-defense. Some of you have witnessed that and honestly, that’s a drop in the bucket. But I have never committed murder. I’ve never gone after anyone to kill them. I did not murder Jordan Holmes and the others.”

  “She’s not lying,” someone whispered, a few others muttering agreement.

  Holly wasn’t giving up though. “Fine, but you were—”

  “Playtime over,” I chuckled, taking back everything from Izzy. “You’re not the cops or anyone I ever have to fucking answer to. Any of you. I don’t owe you answers. You don’t deserve shit from me after how you’ve treated me.” I glanced around and let that sink in. “I answered that one question because some of you were truly afraid.

  “Your community—those guys and their families starting most of it—is spreading all kinds of shit that I’ve got a beef with vampires and now I’m a murderous monster. I have a problem with assholes, and those guys and their families are assholes, but I still didn’t murder them. So, I was fair and answered so you’re not scared you’re on campus with a murderer.”

  Well, not me, but Jordan Holmes and the others had been murderers, and I doubted the only ones. Really, I did.

  “Someday, someone will bust you on what you are, and this shit will end,” Holly threatened under her breath when everyone else seemed satisfied and moved on. “All you’ve really been up to will come out, and this image of you being a saint we’ve all needed will be destroyed.”

  I wasn’t stupid enough to respond where others could hear, flipping on my telepathy as I smirked at her. “Yes, one day it will come out, but not by you and your stupid ploys, Holly. And when it does, you will not be happy with the answer, so I suggest you stop trying to rush that day. Because I swear to you that the attention will never stop being on me then, and that’s the opposite of what you want.”

  “You’re not as special as people are pushing you up to be or think you are.”

  “I don’t think I’m that special at all. I simply have the courage to fight when others won
’t and the determination to go all-in. You’d sell anyone out—and have—to save your own ass, which is why no one will ever take much note of you. But whether I’m special or not won’t change the fact that the attention on me will get worse when people get the answer. I’m doing you a solid—stop trying to get it.”

  “Whatever, freak. You’ll burn out soon enough like the other unknowns and probably die young.”

  Which was Holly’s biggest fear. She stormed off, but I had already long known that secret. She hated me because I was always around and her biggest nightmare. It was stupid of her to react that way but in her mind, her logic was like having a fear of spiders and being forced to be around them all the time.

  So not the same, but it was the core of why she hated me besides I had the attention she wanted. She was forced to see me all the time when her worst nightmare was to be an unknown who never got blood or learned she was a vampire.

  “She really is damaged,” Izzy muttered, glancing at me to where Holly was walking off. “And for the record, I learned a lot about auras over break. Someone worked with me to win me over that he should be forgiven.”

  I bit back a smirk. “Did you?”

  “Do you still hurt?” She snorted when I didn’t answer. “Then fuck no, I don’t forgive him yet. I think he might deserve you again, but I won’t forgive him until you stop being in pain from what he did.”

  It would’ve sounded almost childish coming from anyone else but Izzy was so pure, it was almost like a hobgoblin being mad at you and your soul hurt. And I loved her for being on my side like that.

  We loaded up on food, Irma and the others doting on me as usual, and then sat down where I could finally look at my schedule. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, my schedule was:

  Power Training I

  7:45-9:45

  Instructor Rothchild

  Botany 102

  10-12

  Professor Pillay

  Lunch

  12:15-1:15

  Shifter Culture II