Believing Lies

by Elizabeth, Anne

  “How long were you in for?” I asked.

  She paused for a moment to think. While she was thinking, I paid attention to her face. I didn’t realize it before, but she had freckles running along the top of her cheeks and across her nose. Her black curly hair was a mess, kind of all over the place.

  If I saw her down the street, I’d probably think she was pretty.

  “Five months,” she stated, sipping her drink. Her top lip perched over the mug, and her eyes stared at me.

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah, but…” she started, placing her mug down. The sound of it clanging to the table echoed through the cafe. The cafe was small but decorated very nicely. There were bookcases throughout the place, a lot of oak wood signs, and the tables were covered with different pattern tablecloths. The chairs were wood as well, and there were about two per table. Only two other people were in the cafe, and one was about to leave. The other one was typing fiercely on her laptop. “It felt longer until you came. While you were there with me, it was the only time I felt safe and happy inside that place. There was a reason for me waking up.”

  Tears threatened to fall from her eyes; I watched them become watery. She smiled and refused to let them go. I knew she was trying hard not to cry.

  It was not the same case for me.

  It was as if all the emotions I was saving came hurling at me like a fastball. It hit me right in the head and burned through my skull. Tears fled from my eyes and ran down my face. She was taken aback, looking at me. I started sniffing and wiping my face, groaning. She erupted into laughter.

  “It’s not funny!” I growled. She held her stomach and almost fell out of her chair. People were looking at her again. Or the teenage boy crying beside her.

  Oh god.

  “No, it’s just cute. Didn’t think it would affect you that much.” She snickered. The door slammed open. I had my back to the door, so I didn’t see who it was.

  “It doesn’t.” I rebutted harshly. She just rolled her eyes and smirked. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I hesitantly turned to see Noelle appear next to me, still with her hand on me.

  “Hi.” Noelle didn’t seem to be talking to me. Her eyes were concentrated on Marie. It was like a glare, but it was as effective as a puppy glaring.

  Marie looked up from me and to Noelle. “Hello?” Noelle brought a chair over and sat in the middle of us, but still facing just Marie.

  “I’m Noelle.” She put her hand out. “One of Kyle’s closest friends.” Marie barely grabbed her hand and then retracted it. She looked at me, then back to Noelle, then to me again.

  “Yeah,” I added, failing at trying to break the tension. “Marie, Noelle. Noelle, this is Marie. I met her when I was in the hospital.” Noelle didn’t even look at me. Her face turned red as she stared at Marie. Marie was just drinking her coffee, batting her eyes between me and Noelle.

  “How long have you guys known each other for?” Noelle asked, placing her elbows on the table with a loud bang. Once again, I felt eyes staring at us. We have a crazy girl, an emotional boy, and now a raging girl who’s as threatening as a bunny.

  “Okay, Noelle,” I responded wearily. “What’s up? Why are you asking these questions, and why are you so mad?”

  Her cheeks cooled down to pink, and she stared at the floor. After a few moments of silence, she looked up at me. “Are you guys dating?”

  The cafe boomed with laughter from both me and Marie. Even the store owners glared at us this time. I quickly apologized to them and hit Marie to get her to stop laughing. Noelle’s face went pale as she looked at both of us.

  “Oh, sweetie,” Marie said, wiping a fake tear from her eye. “I’m gay.” Noelle’s eyes widened as she turned to me, her mouth open. I nodded my head and grinned, watching her squirm in her seat. Redness appeared on her cheeks again, and she suddenly seemed nervous.

  “Oh, don’t worry,” Marie continued, “you’re not my type.” Noelle laughed and nodded. She relaxed in her chair, letting her back hunch over a bit. Her hand covered her mouth, muffling her giggles. Marie joined her, but all of a sudden stopped and announced, “But she is. Give me one second.” I turned around to see a teenage girl walking into the cafe. She wasn’t looking at us until Marie scraped her chair against the floor and walked over to her. This girl had blonde hair that was in a ponytail, and she was wearing a baseball cap. Her shirt was a jersey from a basketball team.

  Oh, so that’s her type.

  Noelle smiled, watching them talk, her eyes glistening. I was confused as to how she could come in here all angry at Marie, then suddenly be fine with her and silently cheer her on from the sidelines.

  “Were you jealous?” I blurted out. I didn’t even realize I said anything out loud until her head turned to me. The tip of her ears turned slightly pink.

  No.

  You don’t get it, Kyle.

  You don’t understand how this works.

  They all came hurling at me. My thoughts. It was as if I was not in control of my mind. I wasn’t even thinking of them myself. It was as if someone was whispering these things into my ear. I never felt like this before.

  I’ve never hated myself like this.

  “No, of course not,” Noelle answered. Her face was still bright with a pink tint. My mind quieted down with her response. I could still hear them, but they weren’t overpowering me any more. I looked at Noelle to finish. “I didn’t want to lose you, as a friend, I mean.”

  I nodded, turning to the menu. I glanced across the wooden boards, trying to find something that piqued my interest. “You mean like how I lost you when you started dating Nick?”

  We didn’t talk much after that. She was silent for a while, then Marie came back over. Her grin said everything about what happened between her and Blondie, but she still decided to tell us. We left the cafe, with Marie rambling on about Andrea.

  “She was so cute! Wasn’t she?” Marie squealed. It’s at these moments I wonder why we became friends. Noelle and I were walking a bit ahead of Marie. I had to turn around and give her a sarcastic smile. She either didn’t notice or didn’t care because she kept talking. “I know! She invited me to see her basketball game next week!”

  I leaned over and whispered in Noelle’s ear. “If she keeps talking, my ears are going to bleed.” Noelle let out a giggle but covered it with her hand. She glared at me and pushed me away. Her hand put pressure against my chest, and when she took it away, it was still there.

  What the—

  “Kyle!” Marie yelled behind me. “What did you say?” I stopped in my tracks, causing Noelle to pause as well. Marie huffed at me; her eyes narrowed down on mine. I realized what was happening.

  Oh god, not this again.

  Please, not now.

  Marie stared at me, waiting for an answer. My stomach felt like it was boiling. The heat rose, burning my lungs. I pursed my lips together, grunting quietly at the pain. I looked around and spotted an alley a couple of stores down. I booked it past Noelle to reach the alley before it was too late.

  “Kyle!” Marie and Noelle called out. I heard their footsteps chasing me as I turned into the alley. Once I reached the end, they stopped. I could feel their eyes boring into my head. I hurled over and let the blood rush out of my mouth.

  “Oh my god!” Noelle screeched, backing away. Marie stepped closer to me and started rubbing my back. When Noelle saw her doing this, she ran over to me as well. “What the hell, Kyle?”

  I groaned, feeling another one building up in my throat before releasing it onto the ground. It burned all the way up my throat and through my mouth; I could taste the metallic-ness of it on my tongue. Dizziness took over, and I had to lean on the wall. Noelle helped me sit down against a dumpster. The smell reeked, making me gag again.

  “What do we do?” Noelle shrieked, shaking as she held me. Her hands were on my biceps. My eyelids started to close, and my mind began to shut down.

  “No!” I heard Marie demand. She held my head up, and I opened my
eyes to see her glaring at me. “Don’t faint!” I shook my head and tried to push her away with all the energy I had. However, it wasn’t much. I could hear Noelle freaking out beside me, but I had no idea what she was saying. Ringing started to appear in my ears. I knew it was too late to try and stay awake. Blood dripped from my mouth and onto my clothes.

  Blood, dripping.

  I started remembering something that I didn’t realize happened. There was blood, but I wasn’t in the forest with Nick. I was in my bathroom. Alone, but there was blood. I think three nights after Nick and I fought.

  The clattering of the knife falling to the floor boomed in my ears. Blood dripping from my chest and traveling down my stomach. I looked at the mirror and realized what I did. The cuts were all over my pecs, short but deep. Blood was dripping onto the floor.

  Dripping.

  I felt the pain, the burning from the cuts being exposed to air. I could feel, that’s what I was looking for that night. To feel again.

  Murmurs were being exchanged between Marie and Noelle. They were standing in front of me now. The blood on the ground taunted me, bragging that it knew what I did to myself. I reached for the bottom hem of my shirt, which caught the girls’ attention. Marie came rushing over to pull it back down.

  “Easy there, cowboy.” She grabbed it out of my clasp. “What are you doing?”

  “I need to see.”

  Footsteps came toward me slowly. “Need to see what, Kyle?”

  “If I hurt myself.” Silence.

  Noelle bent down next to me, placing her hand on my shoulder. “You would know that.”

  “No, he wouldn’t,” Marie stated plainly. “That’s why he was in the psych ward. Subconscious self-harming.”

  I didn’t have the energy to fight back and say that it wasn’t a real thing. My eyes closed, and the last thing I heard before it went dark was from Noelle.

  “Check. I want to see if he really did hurt himself.”

  “You don’t know that! He threw up blood!” a voice seethed. I heard a scoff from another voice.

  “Going to the hospital will make it worse, Noelle,” Marie argued back.

  I opened my eyes to find myself on a beige couch in Noelle’s living room. I’d been in her living room before, but things had changed since then. Her rug now matched the light blue walls, and her coffee table was glass instead of dark oak.

  “Stop yelling.” I groaned, my head piercing with pain. I sat up, placing my back against the couch. Noelle sat next to me, her hand on mine. I didn’t even realize the flutters in my stomach until she spoke.

  “Are you okay? I wanted to take you to the hospital, but Marie wouldn’t let me.” Marie stood in front of the table with her arms crossed. Her eyebrows were furrowed together, and her hair was up in a bun. I could tell it must’ve been a lot of trouble to get me here.

  “It would’ve been worse; do you know how much longer they would’ve kept him there?” she asked, moving beside me. “He wouldn’t get out for at least another month.”

  I nodded in agreement with Marie. “She’s right. Bringing me here was a better plan. Thank you, guys. I hope I wasn’t too much trouble.” Noelle handed me a glass of water that was sitting on a coaster.

  Of course, she is the type to actually use a coaster.

  I accepted it, thankfully. My throat felt like sandpaper. It was like something scratching against the walls of my esophagus. The water trickled down and helped a bit.

  “Nah, it wasn’t so bad,” Marie assured me. “You kept going in and out of consciousness and helped us. You don’t remember that?”

  I shook my head. Marie sat next to me, investigating my face. She was looking at me, but not in my eyes. She was almost studying my facial features. Then her eyes landed on my cup, which shifted my attention to my hand. Water dripped down the cup and soaked my finger.

  Drip.

  Dripping.

  Bile started to stir in my throat. I felt it building up, waiting to pounce out. I quickly drank the water out of desperation to keep it down. Marie stared at me the whole time.

  “What’s going on, Kyle?” she demanded. I placed the cup down before turning to Marie. The taste of metal subsided.

  “Nothing,” I lied. “This has happened before.”

  That was the truth. What part they believed, I’m not sure. Marie huffed, still staring at me. Noelle was looking at her feet, shaking.

  I hate that I caused this.

  “Why?” Noelle squeaked, keeping her eyes on the ground. “Why is this happening to you?”

  “Side effect of one of my medications.” I lied without hesitating. I was starting to get good at that. “It’s not dangerous until it happens four days in a row.”

  Another lie.

  “I don’t believe you,” Noelle admitted.

  She was now looking me in the eye. Her eyes dark, almost filled with anger.

  “It’s true. I just forget which one.” Lies.

  She stood up, not backing down from her intense stare. “When was the last time it happened?”

  “Five days ago.” Only three days, really.

  Marie looked between the two of us, leaning back and smirking at me very obviously losing whatever this was. She crossed her leg and arms, laughing. Noelle glared at her, quickly shutting her up.

  “And the time before that?”

  “Didn’t happen before that,” I answered truthfully. It hadn’t happened before, and I wasn’t sure why. I was sure it wasn’t going to happen again, so I didn’t say anything to anyone. Otherwise, I would’ve been all of Mom’s focus, and probably everyone else’s too, instead of trying to find Nick. Nick, who was out there alone and scared.

  I did that to him.

  I could feel Noelle’s glare when I announced I had to go. Marie said that she was going to walk me home to make sure I didn’t faint again. Before I could protest, she yelled at me.

  “Don’t even, Kyle. I will slap you all the way to Mars if I hear a single peep about you being a man or whatever and that you don’t need a babysitter. I’m coming, and if you try to stop me, I’ll make you bleed myself.”

  Without another word, she stomped out the door. I grabbed my coat that was hanging on a rack in the corner of Noelle’s living room. I looked back at Noelle to see her staring, still puffing hot breath out to signify her anger.

  What did I do?

  12

  Day Eighteen

  I didn’t hear from either one of them since I left. Marie kept quiet the whole way to my house and left without another word. She didn’t even say goodbye to me. I woke up the next morning to a text from her, though.

  From: Psycho!

  Hey! Things got a little heated yesterday and I just wanted to make sure you’re ok.

  Are you?

  I quickly responded, saying I was fine and was going to spend the day at my house. She didn’t answer, so I just put my phone down on my nightstand and got out of bed. I figured I needed a shower, so I turned on the water. Once I got in, the sound of the water rushing filled my eardrums. It ran down my face and cooled my body. I turned around to have the water splash me in the face.

  The door suddenly closing made me jump. It wasn’t loud or anything, just unexpected. I waited for someone to say something to me, like Mom telling me she was leaving. Or Dad scolding me about using too much of the hot water. I was even waiting for Henry to start yelling at me. I quickly peeked out of the curtains to be faced with nothing. No one was standing there. There was just a mirror with my reflection facing me and an empty sink. I faced the water again and continued my shower. Desperately trying to wash the dirt off me. It wasn’t visible, but I felt it trying to crawl its way into my skin, peeling off the layers to get into my blood. I rubbed a washcloth against my forearm until it turned bright red and started to burn.

  I shut the water off and stepped out of the tub. I was looking at my feet, watching the water fall from my body to the floor. Splashing and making little pools. I wrapped my lower body in a tow
el, letting it claim most of the water. When I looked up, my mirror was different. Splotches of blood were smeared all over it. As if someone dragged their bloody hands along the glass. Murderer was spelled out in blood, dripping from some of the letters. Pain stung my chest as I clasped over it with my hand.

  What the hell is this?

  Who would do this?

  I tore off my towel and started collecting the blood from the mirror. Dark red overtook the white towel as I wiped it across. The blood started to smear even more. I was erasing the words but not the fear. I couldn’t read it any more, but it haunted me as I rubbed my blood-stained towel across the glass. It was a whisper that turned into a scream. As if someone was right next to me, accusing me of murder.

  Murderer.

  My breath stopped short. It felt like my lungs almost gave out on me. I had to pause to catch my breath which seemed to keep slipping from me. I waited three minutes to feel normal again, but my breath was still gone. I started to feel my body shake as the terror built up inside of me. I slid down my bathroom wall, holding the red towel in my hand. Blood splattered all over my body when I held it close, but I didn’t care.

  Am I dying?

  Is this what it feels like to die?

  I closed my eyes, trying to hide from the bloody mirror. I was choking on my fear, feeling it climb up my throat. I swallowed, pushing it back down. I could feel it bubbling up. Horror shook my whole body violently.

  What do I do?

  I then remembered what Marie taught me. She told me whenever I felt like I wasn’t in control of my body and mind, to go through photos to remind my brain of a better time. I told her that it was stupid and to shut up.

  It’s worth a try.

  I kept my eyes closed as I reached up around the counter that the sink was in until I found my new phone. Dad backed up my old one, so all the pictures were the same. I held it in front of me and opened my eyes so I could only see the screen. I clicked onto the photo gallery and started scrolling. I noticed a picture of me and Noelle.