#CassiNova

by Lori G. Matthews

  “Uh-huh. Keep talking.”

  “It’s not love. It’s way too soon for love. That’s a big word.”

  “It’s only four letters.”

  “All right, let’s change the subject, shall we? Her sister, Lenna, invited me to her fortieth birthday party this Saturday. And I wanna go.”

  “Oh, fun, where’s it at? Their house? ’Cause I am so crashing that party.”

  Sam hesitated before answering. Jade was gonna have a cow. “No, it’s at a gay bar in WeHo.”

  “What now?”

  “You heard me.”

  “You can’t go to a gay bar.”

  “But I have a plan.”

  “Oh goodie, another plan. Can’t wait to hear this one.”

  “Well, I need your help.”

  “You always do.”

  “I need you to get a bunch of people from our show to go with me, as a cover. Cast, crew, whoever.”

  “Sam, that’s three days from now.”

  “You can do it. Use your awesome powers of persuasion.”

  “Sounds like another raise to me.”

  “Isn’t there a limit on how many raises one can get in a year?”

  Jade ignored her. “So we’re all going to a gay bar Saturday night. We’re gonna surround you and act like a protective shield, like a social condom.”

  “Yes. And Lenna is a huge fan of the show. It would be a cool PR move, since we pissed off the whole LGBTQ community. C’mon. It’ll be fun. Lots of food, drinks, a DJ…”

  “Drinking and dancing and dykes, oh my. Listen, Betty. You know how you get when there’s dancing and drinking. If you thought your last alcoholic escapade with Alex was embarrassing, this could be worse.”

  “Are you saying I’m a bad dancer?”

  “No, dancing is probably the one thing you’re good at. It’s just, uh, you tend to get a little touchy-feely when you dance. A little too, how should I put this…sexual. You’re very sexual on the dance floor when you’ve been drinking. And I don’t know how that happens, since you are a bit, how should I say, awkward when sober. And, God help all of us if you’re tipsy and dancing with my perfect sexy ten. Sexual Armageddon. In front of a hundred women taking pictures and posting on social media.”

  “I think it sounds kinda fun.”

  Jade groaned.

  “Okay, I’m kidding. I’ll behave. It’s not like I don’t have self-control. I’ve managed to keep my hands off her for this long.”

  “What does PS10 say?”

  “Who?”

  “My perfect sexy ten. What are Alex’s thoughts on you going to the party?”

  “She’s my perfect twelve, and she wasn’t too fond of the idea either.”

  “Great minds think alike.”

  “It’ll be fine. What’s the worst that could happen?”

  Chapter Twelve

  Sam sprang from bed the morning of the party feeling majorly stoked. Tonight she would get to see Alex, who’d been at another job site for three long days Which meant no hugs or kisses on the cheek for three long days.

  A cup of joe was in order, so she headed down to the kitchen. While getting a mug from the cabinet, a handwritten note taped to the fridge caught her eye. Jade must have put it there last night before she left. Sam pulled it off and began to read:

  RULES OF NONENGAGEMENT

  No wooing. Clearly Sam should have used another word when she’d told Jade about her plans because now the word found its way into all their conversations. Jade had told her to stop wooing the coffee yesterday. And let’s not forget the classic, “What are you wooing?” And, of course, “Woo said you can’t do that?”

  No drinking, Two-Beer Betty. Okay, Sam owned that one.

  No dancing. That was ridiculous. Of course there would be dancing, hopefully with a certain brunette.

  No touching a certain brunette. Damn it!

  Sam crumpled the note, tossed it in the trash, and headed to the patio with her coffee. The sun shone brightly, and the sky was a cloudless blue. A perfect morning for relaxing and daydreaming about the upcoming evening. What should she wear? Something alluring and simple. Something that would light a fire in those deep-green eyes. Her black skinny jeans, of course. And something with a plunging neckline. What would Alex be wearing? Something drool-worthy for sure. Maybe tonight they would share a kiss on the lips. Would Alex dare to make the first move? Was Alex waiting for her to do it because of the pinkie-swear promise? Perhaps she should be the one to initiate. Yes. Tonight Sam would try and initiate a kiss on the lips.

  * * *

  The whole crew waited in the living room for Sam to join them. Jade and her girlfriend, Calynn, lounged on the couch. They’d met a year ago, almost running each other over while rollerblading at Santa Monica Pier. After dropping a few f-bombs and accusations about who ran over whom, they’d had lunch at Del Frisco’s Grille, and the rest was history. Calynn, with her sharp wit and tough personality, could more than hold her own around Jade.

  Emma and Logan, Zach and Jessica, and Jackson, the head writer of Gemini, and his girlfriend, Riley, rounded out the group.

  When Sam finally came downstairs, she was grinning from ear to ear. “I wanna thank everyone for coming with me tonight.”

  “We’re gonna have a good turnout, Sami,” Jade said. “Another car is picking up eleven more people. They’re meeting us at the club, so we can all go in together.”

  Sam rubbed her hands together. “This is gonna be so much fun.”

  “Fun for you,” Jade grumbled. “I’ll probably be gray before the night’s over.”

  A honk signaled the arrival of the limo. Jade held the front door open as they filed outside and into the stretch Cadillac Escalade.

  “Okay, Sami, up front.” Jade pointed to the passenger door.

  “Why am I sitting up front?”

  “Because we have things to discuss. We need to talk about you behind your back. Now go.”

  Jade shoved Sam into the car and joined the crew in the backseat. She closed the privacy glass and settled in. “Okay, as we all know, we are headed to a birthday party at a gay bar.” She paused to let this sink in. “As we all may not know, Sam has the hots for a perfect, sexy ten lesbian who will be attending said party and who shall henceforth be known as PS10. Tonight our mission is simple.” Jade glanced around with fingertips raised and pressed together. “We keep Sam in our sights at all times. We must limit her interactions with PS10. And under no circumstances is Sam to have more than two beers. We have all witnessed Two-Beer Betty on the dance floor. Am I right?”

  Everyone nodded.

  Riley raised a hand. “Should I be taking notes?”

  “Notes?” Jade narrowed her eyes. “You can’t remember this?”

  “Well, sometimes it’s nice to refer back to something. I can do it on my phone.”

  “Fine. Take notes.” She turned back to the others. “Now, when Sam has more than one beer, she’s a sexual animal on the dance floor. With all the people at this party, that means cell phones ready to capture our paycheck in some compromising position with a hot woman. All it takes is one posting on Facebook to go viral, and it could be career threatening. And when I say our paycheck, I mean my paycheck. You with me?”

  “Yes, Colonel!” Emma shouted.

  “Who’s Colonel?”

  “Colonel Jade. ’Cause you’re in charge. And we need a name for this mission. All missions have code names.”

  Jade rubbed at the dull ache settling in her temples. “Okay, let’s brainstorm some names so Emma can keep the mission straight. The one mission we’re on.”

  “Ah, Betty something,” Jessica said.

  “Betty Jean King,” Emma said.

  “You mean Billy Jean King?” Jade asked.

  “Oh, right.” Emma’s shoulders drooped and she paused a moment before yelling, “CassiNova!”

  All eyes locked on Emma.

  “CassiNova—Sam Cassidy and Alex Novato. Their last names together make CassiNova.
It’s their ship name. Get it?”

  Jade pursed her lips. “E, I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but that is brilliant. A ship name. I think you just had a neuron fire off in that brain of yours. Hopefully it didn’t hurt.” Jade put a hand up. “However, CassiNova implies we’re trying to get them together. Our mission tonight is to keep them apart. But I like your enthusiasm, and we’re gonna revisit CassiNova later.”

  “CassiNova’s good, honey.” Logan put his arm around Emma and kissed her cheek.

  “Let’s get back to our mission name,” Jessica suggested.

  “How about Just Betty,” Jackson said.

  “Just Betty!” Emma and Riley yelled.

  In the interest of moving things along, Jade nodded. “There you have it—Operation Just Betty. Okay, E? Do you need to write it down or anything?”

  Emma elevated her middle finger.

  The colonel continued. “All right, first things first. We need to be prepared for disaster, for the absolute worst thing that could happen. So what is the worst thing that could happen? Anyone?”

  Riley raised a hand. “Sam gets royally trashed and has actual sex on the dance floor with PS10.”

  “Whoa, okay, that is definitely a worst-case scenario and borders on pornography. But let’s back up. Let’s say Sam has a second beer and she’s getting close to PS10 on the dance floor. What are we going to do? Anyone?”

  Everyone just stared at her, mouths agape, and Jade knew she’d be getting limited help from this crew. “We infiltrate. We buffer. We get between them. We don’t allow grinding. We don’t allow long, passionate looks. We don’t allow touching of any fashion because, quite frankly, if they start touching, it’s all over. I mean, they’ve been drooling over each other for weeks and haven’t even kissed yet.”

  “You’re kidding. What the hell are they doing?” Calynn asked.

  “Wooing. Wooing is what they’re doing. Evidently you don’t touch during the wooing phase of relationships, according to Sam’s book of woo. Now, if Sam and PS10 are on the dance floor, this means we’re all on the dance floor. If we need to tag team to keep them apart, that’s what we’ll do. Someone grab Sam, and someone grab Alex. Keep them apart!”

  Jade turned to Calynn. “And, honey, I’m just saying this now—I’m gonna have to sacrifice myself for the good of this mission. I will intervene and keep Alex occupied as much as possible. You may not like what you see, but you’ll have to take one for the team.”

  “That’s okay.” She pointed at Jade. “But you’re going down on me later.”

  “Deal.”

  A collective groan rolled through the car.

  “Oh God,” Jackson said.

  Zach grimaced. “TMI, TMI!”

  “What happens when a slow song comes on?” Jessica asked.

  “Excellent question. That would be Code Red. A serious Code Red. Grab them, and dance with them. Don’t let them near each other if a slow song starts to play.”

  Riley raised a hand. “So, PS10, is she reasonable? If so, then she should understand the situation, and maybe we can get her to stay away from Sam.”

  “I don’t know. They’re pretty hot for each other. Right, E?” Jade extended a hand toward Emma.

  Emma was busy rooting around in her purse. “What?”

  “The chemistry. The chemistry between them.”

  “Oh, their chemistry. Yes. It’s like oil and water.”

  Jade frowned. “God, I had such high hopes after the CassiNova moment.”

  “Uh, oil and water kinda repel each other, honey,” Logan said. “You know, the water lays on top of the oil, so they don’t mix well. Like on a salad.”

  “I failed chemistry in school,” Emma admitted.

  “Salad? Who puts oil and water on salad?” someone asked.

  “I failed chemistry too, E. Don’t feel bad.” Jessica patted Emma’s hand. “Let’s get off the periodic table. How about peanut butter and jelly?”

  “Since when is balsamic vinaigrette on the periodic table?”

  “I love peanut butter and jelly.”

  “People!” Jade took a deep breath. “Let’s get back on point here. Now, where were we?”

  “Ha! I have notes,” Riley said. “Let’s take a look-see, shall we?”

  “Good. Read me back the last thing we said before E’s brain fart.”

  “Okay.” Riley studied her phone. “Well, I’m not sure what this is… Um, here we go, the clambake before sample and Lexus. Hmm… Clambake? Did we mention clams at any point? And is someone driving a Lexus?” She glanced around at the confused faces in the car. “I may have fat-fingered a few letters.”

  “The chemistry between Sam and Alex,” Calynn said.

  “Yes.” Jade snapped her fingers. “Thank you, babe. Riley suggested asking PS10 to stay away from Betty, which may work, but what if she’s drinking also? I’m not as familiar with her as I would like to be, so I don’t know what happens when she drinks.”

  Calynn scowled. “What do you mean you’re not as familiar with her as you’d like to be?”

  “The team, honey, remember the team.”

  The privacy glass opened, and Sam stuck her head through. “Hey, guys, how’s it going?”

  Jade’s heart pounded. “Oh my God, what is in your hand?”

  “A beer.”

  “Where did you get it?”

  “The driver brought some for us. Who wants one?”

  “What the hell? How many have you had?”

  “I’m about to start my second one.”

  A collective gasp went through the back of the limo.

  “Give me the beer. Give it here.”

  Sam handed Jade the unopened bottle. “What? I was just gonna sip it.”

  “I’ll sip you right in the head. Now, give me the rest of them.”

  Sam stuck her tongue out and handed Jade the cooler. “Killjoy.”

  Jade pushed the button and raised the glass.

  “We’re one beer into it, and we’re not even there yet. What now, Colonel?” Emma asked.

  The privacy glass came back down with a smiling Sam on the other side of it…wearing a chauffeur’s hat. “Hey, guys. What’s up?”

  “Oh my God, is she tipsy already?” someone in the back whispered.

  “Sam, did you eat anything recently?” Jessica asked.

  “No, I forgot.”

  Jade pushed the button to shut the window.

  Sam followed it up with her head, saying, “Booyah,” right before it closed.

  Jade’s insides turned cold. Her worst nightmare was about to become reality. A drunken Sam cavorting around a gay bar. “Who has something to eat, for God’s sake?” she yelled.

  “I have Tic Tacs.”

  “I have a Life Saver. It’s got fuzz on it, though.”

  Jade waved a hand at Emma. “Give me your purse.”

  “Why mine?”

  “You’re the only straight woman within reach, so give me your damn purse.” Jade seized the bag and emptied the contents all over the floor of the limo.

  “Hey,” Emma said.

  “I’m gonna pass this around. Put anything edible in this purse.”

  The bag passed from person to person, filling up with breath mints and hard candy.

  When it landed in front of Emma, she sifted through the former contents of her Louis Vuitton bag. “Here, I have a Jolly Rancher. Oh, wait, I think I might have already had this in my mouth.” She frowned at the half-wrapped candy and pulled a hair off it.

  “Put it in.” When the purse returned to Jade, she pushed the button for the window. “Sam, honey, I need you to eat everything in this purse, okay?”

  Sam peered inside. “Booyah! A Jolly Rancher.” She popped it into her mouth.

  Emma winced and made a face.

  Jade closed the glass. “I can’t work like this. How am I supposed to work like this?”

  Calynn put an arm around her. “It’s okay, babe. I’ll do you later.”

  The ne
xt time the partition came down, Sam had two large spearmint Life Savers stuck to her closed eyes. “Hello?”

  Jade poked her head up front and addressed the driver. “We’re gonna need some coffee in here, stat.” She closed the glass.

  “It’ll be okay, Jade. It was only one beer,” Zach said.

  “Is that from one beer?” Calynn asked.

  “She’s a lightweight,” Emma said.

  The glass came down again, revealing a smiling Sam.

  “Sam, long time no see,” Calynn said.

  Sam chuckled. “Jade, I’m fine. I’m busting your ass.”

  An audible sigh of relief went through the car.

  “I didn’t actually have any beer. I’m fine. You should have seen your face. We’re almost there. Bye.” Sam giggled and shut the window.

  The limo pulled to a stop when they reached the club.

  “All right, hands in,” Jade said.

  Everyone put their hands together in the middle of the car.

  “Listen up. This is a covert operation. Let’s keep Betty in the dark. First Just Betty shift will go to Logan and E. Next shift will be Zach and Jessica. I’ll roam around and keep my eye on PS10. Ready? Let’s do ‘Just Betty’ on three. One, two—”

  “Just Betty!” Emma and Riley shouted.

  Jade blew out an exasperated sigh. “On three.”

  “You were saying ‘three,’” Emma said.

  “On three usually means after I say three.”

  “Well, you should say after three, not on three,” Riley said.

  Jade took a deep breath. “Ready? ‘Just Betty’ after three. One, two, three.”

  “Just Betty!”

  “Just Betty!” came Emma and Riley’s delayed response.

  “Jesus Christ.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Alex leaned against the bar. The soft waves of her hair cascaded down her back. She wore a pair of low-slung black jeans and an almost see-through white tank that stopped an inch above her belt. She had applied dark-brown eyeliner and red-shaded lipstick, hoping to impress a certain blonde.

  Two women were on either side of her, both vying for her attention, but her eyes were locked on the entrance to the club. The party had been in full swing for two hours. The birthday shots Alex had done earlier with Lenna had loosened her up. Maybe too much. She wouldn’t call herself drunk, but this fourth beer could push her past tipsy.