“I was ugly to her for all of about ten seconds before I walked away. I didn’t stay and fight for her, Bane. I should have kept my ass right there and fought for her. But I didn’t. I also should have at least given her the chance to explain what caused her to hesitate in answering me. That’s all on me. She’s the only innocent one in this whole mess. A mess that we caused that ended up hurting her terribly.
“I’ve replayed that night over in my head a thousand times. I think in my mind when I walked over and confronted her that I did it with the assumption that I had already lost her because women have always been more drawn to you than me.”
“No, they’re not, Eagle. You just never tried to get women like I did. Fuck, you know you’re better looking than I am.”
“I don’t have a good personality.”
“That’s bullshit. You have a great personality. You’re just quiet.”
Bane became silent and so still not a single muscle was moving. I looked into his face and it was my turn to be shocked. He had tears running down his cheeks. Suddenly, it was like a dam broke, he dropped his head into his hands and started crying. Ragged sobs that hurt to listen to. I’d never seen him cry as an adult, only a few times as a kid.
“Bane?” I questioned hesitantly.
He sat up and rubbed his hands across his face.
“No, Eagle. That shit is all on me. I’m the one who fucked everything up. Me.”
“I guess we’ll have to disagree on that one.”
I sat and watched as Bane struggled to get control of his emotions. His head dropped until he was again looking at his hands. Once it seemed like he had his composure back, I asked the question that has haunted me for six months.
“I know you said something to her, Bane. What I can’t understand is why? Why would you do that to me? You had to know that I really liked her. We’d always promised not to interfere if one of us saw a woman we truly wanted. Can you tell me why, Bane? Why did you do it?”
He raised his head and deep pain was etched on his face. Eyes that were full of regret and sorrow stared into mine.
“For the longest time, I didn’t know why,” he rasped out, his voice gravelly sounding. “It wasn’t until Kenzie and I were talking one day until it became clear to me why I did it.”
A harsh, brittle laugh emerged from him.
“Hell, she was asking me the same question. She wanted to know why I had lied to her about you. I told her I didn’t know. She kept pushing me to tell her. Finally, she screamed at me to tell her why and the shit that spewed out of my mouth horrified me.”
I listened to the man who had been my best friend since before we had been old enough to talk, giving me an insight to what had happened that led him to understand why he had betrayed me.
It was hard for me to believe that he hadn’t known. I kept thinking surely he had to have known his reason when he was sabotaging my chances with Kenzie. From the look on his face, I knew he was telling me the truth. He’d had no clue why he did it, at least not while he was actually doing it.
“That night we were sitting there shooting the shit like we’ve done hundreds of times in the past. Everything was good. Life was great. When Kenzie walked into the door, you completely zoned out. It was like you were no longer with us. All you could see was her. You were so focused on her I believe everyone could have gotten up and walked out of the bar and you’d have never known.”
I thought back to that night and he was right. Once I had seen Kenzie, that was all my attention was on. I couldn’t hear or see anything else but her.
“I’d actually called your name a couple times, but you never heard me. It wasn’t until Doom said something about me being fucked if I had wanted a chance at the little redhead that you even moved a muscle. You didn’t even say a word, you simply got up and walked over to her.”
He sighed.
“I watched y’all on the dance floor, neither one of you saw anyone else. It was like you were in your own little world. When you started kissing her, it was like everything and everyone else had completely disappeared.”
He drew in a ragged breath, then whispered, “And I got scared.”
My head snapped back at what he said.
“What the fuck do you mean you got scared?”
“I didn’t understand why I got that way then, that wasn’t until later. All I knew at the time was that something was wrong, I couldn’t figure out what. I just knew I was fucking afraid.”
I looked at him incredulously. What the fuck did he mean something was wrong, that he was afraid?
“I don’t understand what you mean, Bane.”
“Neither did I when it was happening. I thought at first I was jealous you were getting to the girl before me. I quickly realized that wasn’t the case. I actually didn’t feel any tug toward her then. Then all of the sudden it hit me that I felt threatened and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why. I only knew I did.”
“That doesn’t make any sense, Bane.”
He grimaced. “You’re right, it didn’t make sense. I just knew the longer I watched you on the dance floor with her, the more my gut tightened up and the irrational fear that I was about to lose my best friend kept running through my head.”
“How the fuck did you think you were going to lose me?” I asked him struggling to understand what had been going on in his mind.
“That’s just it, I didn’t know. Yet that kept running through my thoughts. The next thing I knew, I was interrupting you on the dance floor. I swear to God, Eagle, it was like I had no control over myself. I know I did, but it’s like I was watching a horror movie from up above that was happening down below me.
“I could see what I was doing. I kept telling myself to stop. I couldn’t. God damn, I couldn’t make myself stop doing what I knew was wrong.
“I got Kenzie over to the table and while you were in the men’s room, I… I…” he choked on a sob. “I fucking told her that you were only trying to get into her pants, that you didn’t do long term, you just wanted easy pussy.”
I growled low in my throat. It was taking everything I had inside me not to jump to my feet and tear into the bastard.
“How the fuck could you do that, Bane? How could you?” I roared. “You know I don’t go after women like that. You had to know I liked her.”
“Yes, I knew,” he said loudly. “Yes, I fucking knew.”
“Then for God’s sake why did you do that?” I hollered at him.
“I was afraid she would drive a wedge between us, that you’d only want to be with her and you wouldn’t have time for me anymore. I was afraid she would take you away from me. I was scared once you were with her you would forget about me.
“I was so god damned scared of losing you,” he yelled back at me. “It ended up I was jealous all right, I was jealous she would take you away from me and I’d lose my best friend.
“Instead, I was the one who caused me to lose you,” he cried out, agony in his voice. “I was the fucking cause of me losing you. God, the pain of not having you in my life anymore is killing me.”
I sat in shock as I watched my cousin, my Brother, the person who had been by my side our entire lives breakdown and cry like a young child whose heart had been broken. A man I had never seen cry until this day. I was stunned. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I had no idea where this was coming from. None.
The longer he cried, the more my heart started hurting. This went deep into his psyche. This was something I had never known about. If anyone else had heard his explanation, they would think he was in love with me. I knew that wasn’t the case. Yet something had caused him to get this way. To have this fear.
It had to be at least fifteen minutes that he cried, he wrapped his arms around his body and rocked back and forth. I felt tears running down my face. I had missed something somewhere in our lives that I could have possibly done to have made this a non-issue if I had known about it. I could have helped him deal with this if I�
��d only known.
As much as I racked my brain, I couldn’t figure it out. Finally, his crying slowed down and he raised his head to look at me again. I flinched when I saw the raw pain and despair in his face. It physically hurt me to look into his eyes and see the emotions that were in them.
“I’m so sorry, Eagle,” his voice sounded broken, just like he looked. He looked like he was broken.
“I’d do anything to take it all back. Anything. Yet I know I can’t and, god damn, that haunts me every single fucking day. By trying to stop what I was afraid of happening, I made it happen anyway. I lost my best friend. Christ, you have no idea how bad that hurts.”
“You would have never lost me, Bane. I would have always been here.”
“I realized that too late, Eagle. Too fucking late.”
“Where are these thoughts coming from Bane?” I softly asked.
I was fucking scared of how fragile he looked. I swear I would have never thought I would have the word fragile enter my mind in conjunction with Bane. Fuck, I hoped he wasn’t suicidal. Whatever was going on with him had never been on my radar. I’d had no clue, none whatsoever.
He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, clutching his hands behind his head.
“You’ll think I’m crazy when I tell you.” He barked out a laugh at that. “Hell, you probably already think I’m crazy.”
“Talk to me, Bane.”
He dropped his hands and nodded at me.
“I know I’ve had a good life, Eagle. I’ve always had you by my side. We’ve done everything together. If I needed anything you were there. If I just wanted to hang, you were there. You’ve been there for every part of my life. Every part.”
He was quiet for a moment, I thought he had quit talking. I was still wondering where all this was coming from when he finally started speaking again.
“For years I’ve felt like there is this demon inside me. He likes to come out and play on my insecurities. He whispers vile, ugly comments to me. He makes me doubt myself. I swear at times hearing him almost drives me insane. He taunts me with all the things I don’t have. I haven’t ever wanted for anything, well…” his voice tapered off.
“What, Bane. What have you wanted that you didn’t have?”
“I wanted something you’ve always had,” he said hoarsely.
I racked my brain trying to figure out what I had that he didn’t. As my thoughts raced back and forth through my mind, nothing came to me. I didn’t fucking know what it could be.
“Tell me, Bane? What do I have that you’ve always wanted?”
Pain such as I never imagined was shining from his gaze as he murmured, “I wanted a dad.”
I closed my eyes.
Jesus. Christ.
I had always known this bothered him even though he said it didn’t. I should have tried to get him to talk to me about this. I should have insisted that he did. Yet I hadn’t. I’d just taken his word that he was okay with not having a dad. I’d blindly continued on my merry way with my life, not really thinking that this was a serious issue.
I hadn’t been there for him. Not like I could have been. By doing nothing, I’d let him down. I had failed him. Me, his best friend, the one who supposedly knew him better than anyone. But I hadn’t known - when I should have.
I opened my eyes and looked at him. His face looked haggard, his eyes sunken in. He looked tormented. He looked like he was in hell.
“Christ, Bane. Why didn’t you say something?”
“What would it have helped, Eagle? It wouldn’t have changed anything. Not one god damned thing. I watched Uncle Keith with you. Jesus, he was always so proud of you. He told you that all the time. He went to everything you participated in. He was there to cheer you on. He practiced with you. He loved you unconditionally.
“He’s always talked to you. You’ve always known you could count on him. Hell, you tell him almost everything you’ve ever told me. You look at him as a friend, a confidant, and he looks at you the same way.
“Oh, how I’ve envied that. That was the one thing I was always jealous of you over. Having a dad.”
He laughed. It sounded heartbreakingly hollow.
“Do you know what I envied the most, Eagle?” his raw voice questioned as tears ran down his face.
“No, Bane, what?” I asked.
Part of me was scared to know the answer. How the hell had I let him down this bad? My fucking heart felt like it was imploding on itself.
“I missed never having a hug,” he whispered.
“I’ve never had a man other than Grandpa hug me and that was just because we were over to visit. I’ve laid awake at night and wondered what it felt like?
“What’s it feel like, Eagle? I really want to know. What’s it feel like to have your dad hug you?” he asked on a sob.
Fuck. Now I was crying. How had I missed this? How had I never known he was suppressing this deep inside?
I got to my feet, walked to the bed and sat next to him. I wrapped my arms around him and murmured, “It feels like this, Bane. It feels like the person holding you loves and accepts you for who you are unconditionally, and I do, Bane. I love you and accept you for who you are. You’re my Brother, my family, my best friend.”
Once again, Bane broke down and cried, yet this time he did it in my arms. I held his body close to me. It should have felt like I was holding a grown man. But it didn’t.
It felt like I was holding a child. A child who his whole life simply wanted a dad to show him the love and affection he so desperately craved.
A child who just wanted a hug from his dad.
Later, after he had cried himself out, he queried softly, “Do you think you will ever be able to forgive me, Eagle?”
“You’re already forgiven, Bane. You’re already forgiven.”
~*~
Later that night as I lay in bed, I thought about everything Bane had said. I felt like I had failed my best friend in the worst possible way. And I had.
As I tried to wrap my head around what he had told me tonight, I thought back to the evening when Brenna had talked about being unloved and unwanted. She had thought there had to be something wrong with her for her parents, her mother, to get rid of her.
It made me wonder if Bane thought he wasn’t good enough to have a dad. If he wasn’t someone worthy of love. If he wasn’t wanted by his dad.
I hadn’t looked deep enough to find the demon that had made him think these things.
Things a child will think.
Things that carried over into adulthood.
Things an adult might know that weren’t true, but the child that still resided within still heard and believed.
Those were the hardest demons to fight. The ones who had the power to make even the adult believe in the fears of the child inside.
~***~
Chapter 17
There is nothing holier in this life of ours than the first consciousness of love, the first flutterings of its silken wings.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow~
Bane
January 4th, 1999
Normally I enjoyed anytime I was on the back of my bike. I didn’t right now. I was headed back to Kenzie’s place and I had a dread inside me that made me want to stop my bike and not go forward anymore. If I didn’t continue to her place, then the fear that had taken root as I left the Clubhouse wouldn’t be able to come true. I knew it wasn’t that simple because no matter if I kept riding toward the woman I loved, the outcome was going to be the same.
I thought about everything that had gone on between Eagle and me. I still felt the pain of all the things I’d said to him.
What I was having a hard time wrapping my head around was the fact that he forgave me.
He forgave me for all of it.
A part of me was terrified he’d take it back. I also wondered if things would ever be anywhere close between us like they had been before.
Once at Kenzie’s apartment, I parked my bike, shut it off and
took the key out. I started the long walk to her door. It was taking every ounce of strength I had in me to put one foot in front of the other. It felt like my feet were weighted down in concrete.
At the door I slid my key into the lock. When she handed it to me a couple weeks ago, I was shocked and it must have shown on my face. She’d asked me if I didn’t want a key to her place and I was quick to say, ‘hell yes, I want a key.’
While I had been so busy being worried about fucking something up, she had been thinking of me moving in with her. I swear I felt like I had been given the holy grail when she placed that key in my palm. She was finally allowing me into her life. It had filled me with joy deep inside knowing that she wanted me and was coming to care about me.
The woman really didn’t understand the depths of my emotions for her. I’d do anything for her. Anything. All of that doesn’t matter now because once we talked, I’d be giving the key back to her. I’d be giving her up. I’d be losing my heart and part of my soul.
I opened the door and stepped in. I heard the stereo softly playing and Kenz was singing. I shut the door and leaned against it just listening to her. She sounded happy. I always wanted her to sound that way. After tonight, she’d be the only happy one of the two of us and it was fucking killing me.
Because I was going to give her anything.
She walked out of the kitchen into the living room and smiled at me.
“Hey, you,” she said as she walked up to me.
Her smile dropped as she got closer.
“Bane, what’s wrong? Did something happen?” she asked me, worry apparent in her voice.
I knew I looked like hell. My pansy-assed crying jag had ravaged my face.
“We need to talk,” I murmured.
“Okay,” she replied as she grabbed my hand and pulled me to the couch sitting down beside me while holding my hand in hers. “Tell me what’s wrong, what happened?”
“I went to the Clubhouse to talk to Eagle. He was the one who texted me earlier. He asked me to come talk to him. I couldn’t turn him down, Kenz. I couldn’t. Not after everything I’ve done to him.”
Bane (Angel's Rebellion MC: #7) Page 15