I don’t even think she realized she was rubbing her thumb over the back of my wrist. God, it felt good and it felt bad at the same time. Once I told her what happened, that would be the last time she would voluntarily touch me. The thought of that made me want to vomit. I didn’t know how I was going to continue living without her.
“Bane, what went on?’
“He wanted to know why I had lied to him. Why I had sabotaged the two of you.”
“What did you tell him?”
“I told him everything, Kenzie. I told him what I had said to you. How I had made you doubt him. He asked me why I had done that to him, he said he couldn’t understand, especially since we had been friends since we were babies.”
She was squeezing my hand now.
“And?”
“I told him what I had figured out that day here with you. That I had been jealous of you taking him away from me. He told me that would have never happened and I told him by the time I realized that, it was too late. The damage was already done.”
“What did he say?” she whispered.
“He forgave me, Kenzie, and Kenzie,” I looked deep into her eyes, “he doesn’t blame you for any of it. He said it was his fault and mine what was done to you. That you were the innocent one in all this. He’s right too. You were innocent and, yet, you are the one who paid the ultimate price. You were the only one who hadn’t done anything wrong and we both hurt you.”
I could see the tears that sat in her eyes but didn’t fall. I reached up and stroked the silky skin of her face. God, she was so beautiful.
“Kenzie,” my voice cracked with the pain of what I was about to say. “If you want Eagle, I’ll bow out. I won’t bother either of you. I love you enough to want you to have who you want. I want you to be happy. If he’s who will make you happy, then go for it, babe. Go for it and be happy.”
With those words, I gave her anything. I felt my heart crack open and start bleeding. I didn’t know how I was going to manage without her. I wasn’t sure I could.
~*~
Kenzie
I heard what he said. Phrases I would have given anything to hear months ago when I was in denial. However, he was wrong. They both were. I too carried some blame.
If I had wanted Eagle as badly as I thought I did, I would have never hesitated. I would have said that I wanted him immediately and he and I would have been together since that day. My intention had never been to hurt Eagle, but I did.
I had also ended up hurting Bane and myself because it took me months to finally admit to myself what I was feeling, what my thoughts were. I learned that while Bane may have started kissing me that night holding my head to keep me from pulling away from him, I hadn’t fought him very hard. If I truly hadn’t wanted him to kiss me, I would have pulled away.
Eagle’s kisses and touch had been so overwhelming that I felt like I was being consumed by him. It had been instant lust and it had felt so good, so very right, it had frightened me. I’d never wanted a man to take me like I had wanted Eagle to. I’d felt like I was losing myself and that he was absorbing me into him.
When Bane had started kissing me, at first all I could think of was I didn’t want this, I wanted to be burned by the fire that was Eagle. The longer Bane kissed me, the hotter the blaze grew with him too. I felt like he and I were burning alive.
Only there had been a difference, one man took me higher in twenty minutes than I’d ever flown before. He sent me spiraling out of control alone. The other had soared with me, taking me with him as we flew through the clouds together.
When I was in Eagle’s arms, I had loved that he was making me feel like I was free falling through the clouds. The journey had been exhilarating yet terrifying too.
With Bane, the journey hadn’t been nearly as scary. I’d felt like I was cradled in his embrace the entire time and I knew I wouldn’t crash to the ground. Instead, I’d land safely wrapped up in his arms.
With Eagle the emotions had been so intense that I’d been afraid of plummeting to the earth alone and igniting into a fiery ball of flames before he could catch me.
Even through the last several months when I had been a drama queen bemoaning the fact that I’d lost Eagle, I’d found if I let myself, I enjoyed my time with Bane. Realization and denial of my feelings for Bane had been riding me hard when I’d lied to Eagle a couple weeks ago when I said I sometimes wished I had chosen him. God, I was such a fool. Such a damn scared fool.
All this time I had been so afraid of what Bane was making me feel that I had done everything I could to keep my head buried in the sand trying to hide away from my true feelings.
I ran to Bane’s room that night to cry about what I had finally come to know as being true. He’d found me on the bed bawling. He had no clue why I was crying. He’d simply laid down with me, drew me to him and held me. He offered me the comfort of his arms. Arms that had held me lovingly for the past few months.
He never asked anything from me, instead he gave. He gave all of himself holding nothing back. There were times I’d see the uncertainty in his eyes when he didn’t think I was watching. He was scared of losing me. He was afraid I’d toss him away for someone else. That he wasn’t good enough for me. Man enough for me. Oh, how I ached when I would see that fear on his face.
I had put both of us through sheer hell because I had been too afraid to look deep enough within myself to figure out I really wanted Bane. Because while I might have resisted his kiss at first, I soon had felt like I was with the man I was supposed to be with.
It was time to tell him the truth, to let him know that it had always been him.
As I stared into the eyes that were waiting for me to shatter his world, I shifted until I was straddling his lap. I raised my hands to cup both sides of his face.
This time it was me who was stroking the skin of his face that I loved to feel against my mouth, my body.
“Bane,” I uttered huskily. “I don’t want Eagle. I want you. From that first kiss, when I quit resisting you, I knew you were the one I wanted. All this time I’ve fought it. I’ve put you through pure hell because I was so afraid of my emotions, of what I felt for you. I was so afraid of losing myself in you and so scared you wouldn’t want me like I wanted you that I’ve buried my feelings for you deep and wouldn’t let them out.
“What I felt for Eagle was lust. What I feel for you is love.”
I leaned forward and softly kissed his lips then pulled back.
“I choose you, Bane. I’ll always choose you.”
Tears fell down his cheeks as he pulled me to him. He buried his face into my neck and held on to me tight. His body shook as he cried in relief.
“Oh thank, God. Thank, God,” he mumbled into my neck. “I was so afraid of losing you. So god damned scared this would be the last day I would have with you.”
He pulled back and gazed into my eyes again, totally unashamed of the tears streaming down his face.
“I love you, Kenzie. I’ll never stop loving you. There is nothing I want in this world more than you. God, babe, God.”
Then he started kissing me and soon passion overtook both of us and I soared in the arms of the man who held my heart in his hands just like I held his in mine.
~*~
Bane
I was counting my lucky stars, I was still reeling over the fact that Kenzie had chosen me. She’d picked me over Eagle. She wanted me. All this time she’d loved me.
Me.
She loved me.
After hearing that, I’d taken her to bed and made slow, passionate love to her. I had taken my time. I hadn’t let the fast and furious need overrule my desire for slow and, trust me, it had been a fight to do too.
When she had said it had been me all along, I’d immediately wanted to stamp my claim on her. I’d wanted raw, hot, fast and sweaty. Instead, I’d taken it slow, concentrating on her body. I’d licked, bit, and kissed every one of her erogenous zones. I’d kissed her sweet lips until they were swollen fr
om the pressure of our mouths mating. Then I made my way down her neck, biting, then kissing the sensitive area where her neck met her shoulder.
She’d writhed against my body, her hands had dug into my back, and the sounds she had made was music to my ears. I concentrated on her breasts, teasing and tormenting her nipples. I’d suckled, bit, soothed then started all over again until she was begging to come. I ignored her pleas. I’d bit and kissed my way down her body. Each tiny bite of pain from my teeth, I’d laved with my tongue.
I’d continued my journey until I came to her soaking wet pussy. I’d spread her legs and gazed down at the cream that was soaking her tender flesh. I had partaken of the succulent dew in front of me until I had every drop of moisture, then I slid my tongue between her plump lips and started all over again drinking in the essence that was Kenzie. I’d run my tongue up and down and between her lips. I’d lazily swirled my digit round and round her clit, not putting any pressure on it, only stroking gently.
Her words, God, her beseeching pleas had turned me on so much. She’d begged me over and over to make her come and I’d reveled in it. Finally, I had sucked that hard little nub into my mouth, held it with my teeth and tormented it with my tongue. Her body had bucked and she tried to thrust her hips up against my face to set herself free to fly. I’d held her down and wouldn’t allow it. I’d played instead. I’d teased, I’d stroked, I’d massaged, and I’d lazily flicked her clit and when she was close, I’d go back to drinking the juices that flowed from her body.
The ragged keening wails she emitted had filled-up an empty spot in my soul I never knew I had and it made me whole.
Finally, when I knew I couldn’t handle anymore, I’d slid my cock inside her and filled her body with all of me. I’d held still and marveled at how well we fit together. Kenzie had dug her hands in my hair tugging it, doing everything she could think of to get me to release her from the torture I’d inflicted upon her. The bite of the pain with each pull she made encouraged me to continue on my slow path.
I’d withdraw, then slide back in slowly. I did that repeatedly all the while listening to her begging me, swearing at me, and threatening me in her attempt to get me to let her come. How I managed to hold on I don’t know. Gradually, my thrusts increased to her gasped cries and the pounding of my heart. When I couldn’t take it any longer, I grabbed her ass in my hands, got to my knees, tilted her hips and started slamming my dick into her weeping pussy.
I watched my length pump in and out of her until it was me who was mad with desire. The sight of her taking me into her body wrecked me. My breaths became more labored. Somehow I managed to drag my eyes away from the tempting sight of our bodies becoming one and gazed into Kenzie’s glazed orbs.
I slid one hand around her hips until my fingers found her clit. As my cock caressed her G-spot with each inward stroke I made, and as my fingers danced over her clit, I told Kenzie to come. Her eyes flared wide. She cried out my name. Then she soared high and I soared right beside her.
As I held her while she slept, the only thing I could think of was please let this last, please, God, don’t take this away from me.
I needed this.
I needed us.
I needed her.
~***~
Chapter 18
It may be a childish torment, but we do not get to choose our demons.
~Andrew Sean Greer~
Eagle
January 15th, 1999
Other than Church last Friday, I hadn’t seen Bane. Before all of our drama happened, we worked at the same job site. Although over the last few months if I could manage it, we didn’t and we hadn’t for the last couple weeks either. I wasn’t sure what was going on with him. It was a sad testament to the fact that I wasn’t quite sure how our relationship would work now. It boggles the mind that one single night, one short minute, can change the entire life of a person.
I’d spent the last twelve days thinking about what Bane had said to me. Even now, I felt like I had failed him. I wasn’t sure how to change that either.
After reflecting on everything, I realized that I missed him. He was right. We’d always done everything together. He’d been there for me for anything, like I’d tried to be there for him. It didn’t matter what it was, he had my back. That is up until Kenzie. However, I didn’t hold that against him any longer.
How could I? I was just as much at fault as he was. Sure, he might have started the whole debacle, only thing is I was the one who finished it. We had both been wrong, so very wrong. Now we had to figure out how to get back to where we once were. We might not ever make it entirely there, yet I was hoping we would.
I had started wondering if Kenzie was keeping him away from the club. I couldn’t think like that though, not without knowing all the facts. That’s what had gotten me into this mess to begin with. I was honestly hoping I’d learned from the hell of the last half year.
I glanced at my phone to see we still had a couple hours before Church. It was time I talked to Dog and let him know what had gone down.
I smiled as I typed into the phone. For a change it would be me approaching him.
Me: You busy?
Dog: Nah.
Me: You in your office?”
Dog: Yeah.
Me: See you in a few.
As I walked down the stairs and hall toward Dog’s office, I was trying to decide how much to tell him. I was pretty sure Bane wouldn’t want what he told me known. However, I felt like this was something that needed to be talked about. I’d learned from it. Well, at least I hoped the fuck I had. I was worried now how much all of us might be missing when it came in regard to our Brothers. Our family.
I tapped the wall besides Dog’s door and stepped into the doorway. He looked up and held up his beer. I lifted my chin as I walked in and shut the door behind me. After getting my drink from him, opening it and taking a long drink, I settled in a chair in front of Dog’s desk. I looked at him then looked at Viper. They could tell I had something serious on my mind.
“How’s things been going?” Dog asked as he studied my face.
“Getting better. Been doing a lot of thinking, hell, it seems that’s all I’ve done the past six or so months.”
“I’m glad things are going better. You ever decide what you are going to do?”
“Yeah, Dog, I did. I talked to Bane on the fourth.”
Both men’s surprised faces stared at me.
“Hell, Dog, Vip. I figured someone would have told y’all I had talked to him.”
“Told you I’m always the last to know that shit.” Dog looked over at Viper and asked, “You know they talked?”
“Nah, Dog. I’m just as surprised as you are. How the fuck we not know this?”
“Don’t know, Brother. Like I just said, I always seem to be the last one to know shit like this.”
I looked at Dog. “I thought about what you said the last time you and I talked. You know I said I realized part of what happened was on me. After thinking about it long and hard, I decided I needed to talk to Bane and tell him that too. I texted him to come talk to me and he did.”
I grimaced then sighed.
“That bad?” Dog queried.
“Dog, Vip, it was… it was, fuck, I don’t know if I need to tell y’all what I found out, but that shit has been bothering me.”
“What do you mean ‘found out’?” Viper inquired. I could tell his focus was entirely on what I was saying.
“He said he wasn’t sure at the time why he was doing what he did that night. He told me everything that had happened. Said he told Kenzie I only wanted a quick fuck.”
Both men frowned at that.
“Not sure I like hearing that, Eagle,” Dog muttered.
“Yeah, I didn’t either, so I asked him why he had done it, his answer confused me. He said he was afraid of losing me.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” Dog asked, his eyes opened wide in shock. “That almost sounds like the fucker is in love with you.”
“If I didn’t know Bane better, that’s what I would have thought too. He told me he felt threatened by Kenzie.”
“This ain’t changing my mind none, Brother.”
“Dog, he said that a later discussion with Kenzie forced him to realize that he was scared I would get so involved with Kenzie that I’d want to be with her all the time and not spend time with him anymore. Said he realized he was jealous of her.”
“Again, Brother, that shit sounds funny.”
I glanced at Viper and I saw an awareness on his face. Yeah, he got that something deeper was going on with Bane.
“Y’all he explained how he’d been fighting a demon most of his life. One that would tell him hurtful shit and that convinced him of things. He told me the demon whispered to him that Kenzie would come between us.
“Said it taunted him so much that he’d been frightened of losing his best friend. Me. That night it convinced him that he needed to stop Kenzie from being with me, and that is why he did what he did.
“He said we’d always been best friends. We’d always done everything together. That we’d always had each other’s back. That he depended on me. He’s right about that too.
“The shit he told me next damn near gutted me.”
I took a drink of beer as both men looked at me, waiting for me to continue.
“He told me that he knew he had a good life and that he was grateful for what he had, but the demon constantly tortured him with the things he didn’t have.
“I asked him what he didn’t have and he said something that I did have and he’d always wanted.”
“What was that?”
“A dad.”
Viper grimaced. The man was scary with how he seemed to understand things before others did.
“Jesus. Christ,” Dog muttered as he shook his head. “He said that?”
“Yeah. He was so fucking tormented that it hurt to look at him. I asked him why he never said anything and he asked me what good it would have done.
“He went on to tell me he used to watch Dad show his love for me by always being there for me. That he heard Dad telling me he was proud of me. That Dad was always cheering me on in whatever I did. Said Dad always went to everything I ever participated in. Said anyone could tell how much Dad loved me.
Bane (Angel's Rebellion MC: #7) Page 16