The Dave Hinchy Code

by Richard Ainsworth

  Dave and the Doctor had been walking for quite a while now and all the time they had been talking quite animatedly, even angrily. Tobias decided that it would be worth the gamble to get closer and have a proper listen at just what they were discussing so intently. He did not realise, however, that sound travels upwards too, and that Magpie Jack was taking mental note of the nature and subject of their squabbling.

  After a further ten minutes, or so, the pair came to a T junction. Again, across the road was a pub, but opposite this pub was a church, the Church of St. Maxentius. Dave and the Doctor crossed the road and walked under the heavy old black lamp that hung over the gateway to the churchyard, and passed the sign advertising the Village Fête for the 28th of August. It all sounded very exciting:

  “All welcome. Admission fifty pence. Special attractions! Astounding shows and revelations to amaze! Guaranteed!”

  The Doctor seemed to become a little twitchy when entering the churchyard, but he hastily followed Dave through the cemetery and round the side of the church to a small concealed side door, and down some small, steep, moss-covered stone steps.

  “Be careful going down these steps,” Dave advised the Doctor, “I nearly broke my leg here last Winter.”

  “And if you don't keep your loud, echoing trap shut, your neck will get broken here this Summer.”

  Suitably chastened, Dave scowled and unlocked the old, creaking, rusty lock. The cool, damp and musty air seeped out to them as the door groaned open; it smelt of stone, earth, and dead, dry, ancient spiders.

  The cemetery surrounding the church was well-tended and orderly; the flowers replaced regularly and the grass neatly cut. Tobias peeped from behind the rather large and ornate gravestone of a notable Victorian worthy and watched, as the Reverend Phullaposi appeared from the church's main doors. Trying to appear as casual as possible (and failing miserably), the Reverend looked to left and right, assured himself that there was not a soul about, and sprinted around the side of the building and down the same stone steps that both Dave and the doctor had descended moments earlier.

  After a moment's hesitation, Tobias left his cover and slunk after him.

  Meanwhile, high on the old church tower, Magpie Jack decided that this was the right time to report back his findings to Ruby and Pearl. He made his way, as quickly as he could, back to the caravan.

  Tobias did not see his avian associate depart; he was far too busy, stealthily – and very carefully – padding down the moss-covered steps. Luckily for him, the light in the cellar was far too dim for him to be be spotted, and although the three men were discussing their business in whispers, Tobias could make out what was being said.

  The Reverend seemed most agitated. He was badgering the Doctor and Dave, asking them if they were absolutely certain that what they had was indeed real proof. Time was of the essence, as all of their plans revolved around a critical date. Would everything be ready by then?

  The others both assured him that it would.

  Could it really be true, though? That here, in the small village of Widdowshins, something of such historic importance and portent was taking place?

  Doctor Hariman told him not to worry:

  “I will be seeing the pair of them tomorrow morning. I am visiting the good lady Alice's niece, in my capacity as her physician, with regard to her recovery following a recent operation to have a toad removed from her shoulder.”

  The Reverend was amazed. “A toad removed from her shoulder? How on earth did that happen?”

  The Doctor laughed: “Well, according to the toad, it all started with a painful boil on his bum...”

  Neither the Reverend nor Dave got the joke. Doctor Hariman, to put it politely, had a 'strange' sense of humour. He was the sort of person who would tell you on Friday that he would need to give you a particularly painful injection on the following Monday, just to spoil your weekend. Not a wholesome character at all.

  He sighed now at the Clergyman's blank look. “The point is, Reverend, that I shall have all of the answers to your various concerns by the next time we meet.”

  The Reverend was not to be placated so easily. “And will you have some convincing evidence with you by that point?”

  “Reverend Phullaposi, I am growing increasingly impatient with your lack of faith.”

  “I've got faith in bucket loads,” the Reverend insisted. “What I want is stone cold proof, mate!”

  The Doctor snorted angrily. Then he opened his collar and, from around his neck, he held up a silver pendant of a crab on a chain. The crab had a jade centre and its bejewelled body and legs glittered menacingly in the dim light of the oil lamp.

  Immediately the Reverend fell silent. Dave grinned from behind the Doctor.

  “Post centum quod viginti anos patebo…Proof enough for the moment, 'mate'?” The Doctor's tone was barbed and acidic tone, with an extra bit of venom added to the word 'mate'.

  He jerked his head, signalling to Dave that they were leaving. Silhouetted in the doorway, he turned to the vicar and added:

  “Just remember: he who pays the piper....”

  They both exited, leaving the Reverend alone with his evidently troubled thoughts.

  Tobias waited a few seconds and then bolted up the steps, out of the churchyard and back up the road to home and safety. He wasn't sure just what he had witnessed, but he was pretty certain that it wasn't a cosy chat about a forthcoming coffee morning.

  ***********

  While Tobias was eavesdropping and Magpie Jack was flying back to report, Ruby and Pearl were still busy cross-referencing the imagery on the scrap of paper with the information contained in the huge pile of books heaped on the table.

  They had been able to confirm Ruby's analysis of the symbolism to a greater degree of accuracy than she herself would have expected.

  “It all points to people dealing with Nutters.” Ruby intoned, darkly.

  Pearl agreed, adding that the real nutters were those that would get involved with such a sorry collection of ne'er-do-wells in the first place.

  Ruby sighed in acknowledgement.

  “I fear we may have deception on a grand scale occurring within our own tiny, happy little village, and it is for us to sort it out, root, branch and hemlock!”

  Pearl agreed wholeheartedly.

  When Magpie Jack arrived back shortly afterwards and made his report, Ruby was confused at first. What would the Reverend Phullaposi want with Dave and the Doctor?

  That the Doctor should be so interested in the sign outside the Seven Stars pub, however, rang all of Ruby's alarm bells, and she and Pearl exchanged a knowing and confirmatory glance.

  The significance of the symbol of the seven stars was not lost on them. It is a representation of the Saturnine Night, when spirit and soul leave the old body. The locals who frequented the Seven Stars itself, of course, didn't know about the meaning of the sign; all they knew was that the pub sometimes felt as though it was 'haunted'; as though there were other spirits there, aside from those on sale behind the bar. They didn't realise just how right they were. For years, this small local corner tavern had been a spectral hub; a supernatural stopping off and trading point. Spirits would pop in from wherever they were in the ether and trade information on the latest scare techniques, who was presently enjoying the greatest power and influence in the underworld, etcetera; then they would 'spirit off' back into the night. Of course, ninety-nine percent of the locals remained entirely oblivious to such ghostly goings-on, but some of them nevertheless had a 'feeling' that something was a little ‘odd’ or, ‘not quite right’. Ruby and Pearl, being ultra psychically sensitive, could sometimes actually see these ectoplasmic visitations and therefore would not set foot in the place, especially not on Sunday Karaoke Night, when every mournful lost soul seemed keen to communicate to the mortal world that indeed Elvis had not left the building. Ruby couldn't bear it and Pearl would not tolerate it. The number of times they had had to endure a rendition of 'I Will Survive', from a singer that,
as was quite evident to anybody with ‘the Sight’, had not in fact survived at all was entirely beyond a joke. In short, the Seven Stars pub was not one of their favoured social spots on their rare nights out. Least of all on a Sunday.

  Anyway... right now, Ruby was growing increasingly bemused:

  “Mystic emblems delivered by halfwit postmen? Suspect Doctors? Squabbles outside pubs? And late evening meetings in the church cellar with Reverend Phullaposi? An eclectic mix and no mistake! It’s better than Coronation Street! And it's right on our doorstep too!”

  Magpie Jack suggested that Tobias had been in a better position to see what was going on, and would no doubt return with more detailed information.

  As if on cue, there was a frantic scratching of claws at the caravan door.

  “Let him in for Beltane's sake before he claws another hole. We’ve only just had it re-painted!”

  Pearl opened the door and Tobias shot in as if there were a thousand banshees after him. Panting for breath, he flopped down near the stove and gasped:

  “The Doctor, he's a Nutter…”

  “Tell us something we don't know!”Eddy cackled.

  “No, no... You don't understand. The Doctor's in league with Alice. He got rid of Nutter's niece's toad, and the Vicar wanted proof, so Doc H shows him a crab, the crab is all shiny and sparkly, so, naturally it scares the Vicar witless. He then demands that the Vic send - or was it post him? - a quad bike, or some virgin noisy patty bows, (whatever they are)... and then the Doc gets all sinister and tells Reverend Phullaposi to learn to play the bagpipes; says he'll pay him to do it and if he doesn't Alice Nutter will be well mad with him, especially if he doesn't play songs she likes... and he has to have this all done pretty soon from what I can make out!”

  The room fell silent. Everybody stared hard at Tobias.

  Tobias was silent too. He just sat there, blinking in a quietly frightened manner.

  The room remained quiet for quite a while, as everybody tried to digest the somewhat garbled information the unfocused feline had provided.

  Eddy broke the silence.

  “Is it me? Or have I just been witness to the biggest pile of plop since I had the misfortune to catch five minutes of Emmerdale by mistake on the TV a while back? I'm sorry, but he's lost it. Lost the plot completely. He knows nothing. He's just babbling. His brain is quite obviously fried. Sad to see such a promising familiar lose it so young. I blame all of the nasty additives and preservatives in cat food. Lord alone knows what they shove in that filthy muck these days. I told you not to change the brand you were feeding him, but would you listen? Oh no…And now see the results? Quite mad. Next stop for you is the vet, my soggy-brained feline chum. It's off to permanent sleepy bye la-la land for you, Prince Mishkin. Kindest thing to do, given the circumstances. We all saw it coming though, didn't we? Ever since that incident with the spell book and the trout? Hmm? Didn't we? Don't worry, my brave lad, you won't feel a thing, one teensy tiny injection and you'll slip away to the land of eternal Nod. Sad, of course – boo-hoo – but the kindest act in the long run, I'm sure you'll all agree.”

  Given the gibberish they had just heard from Tobias. Ruby, Pearl and the others were inclined (to a greater or lesser degree) almost to agree with Eddy.

  Tobias, who was now recovering some of his composure, if not his breath, glared daggers at Eddy and insisted that he'd actually been there, risking life and limb amongst a huddle of desperadoes, and he KNEW what he had heard.

  Eddy hooted, insisting that Tobias was so dim he couldn't identify a herring on a plate.

  Ruby told them both to calm down. She began, carefully and patiently to interrogate Tobias about what EXACTLY was said, by whom, to whom, and what precisely this ‘crab’ that the doctor produced had looked like.

  At length, Ruby felt that she had a little more solid information to act upon, and announced, with a theatrical flourish, as was her wont:

  “Crabs and patty bows, eh? Pearl; this absolutely confirms our suspicions that something gravely wrong is afoot. So, not only am I going to seek a consultation from Doctor Hariman, tomorrow; I also feel it is about time I had tea with the Reverend. I haven't seen him for ages, and I'm sure there must be something I can do to help the village’s fête – and yes, I DO choose my words carefully.” She smiled and nodded. “I shall arrange it directly, first thing in the morning.”

  Tobias didn't want to be around when the Doctor arrived.

  “He gives me the creeps.”

  Eddy countered that the creeps were nice compared to what the doctor had given Mr Yates to ‘cure’ him of his haemorrhoids.

  Tobias wasn't sure what haemorrhoids were, and didn't really want to know; they didn't sound nice at all. If it had anything to do with Doc Hariman, then it couldn't be pleasant.

  Eddy chuckled malevolently and agreed.

  “For all of his bad points, a doctor who recommends two Biryani curries a day for two weeks as a treatment for haemorrhoids must at least have some sense of humour.”

  Just not a very pleasant one, that's all.

  ***********

  True to her word, the very next morning, Ruby made two phone calls. Firstly to Doctor Hariman, who confirmed that, yes, he could see Ruby this afternoon at around two thirty; secondly to Reverend Phullaposi, who said that, certainly, he would be delighted to see Ruby and discuss her plans for the village fête the following morning at ten.

  Ruby smiled contentedly, nodded and winked at Chen as she replaced the receiver.

  So far, so good. That was phase one of her plan completed. Phase two was simple. She jumped into her little silver car and pottered down the road to the nearest town centre to buy some of her favourite biscuits from Marks and Spencer. She was very particular that these had to be the store's own brand. She also wanted a certain blend of tea; one that would compliment and intensify the whole tea and dunkies experience for the doctor. Again, she was quite specific.

  She chuckled to herself as she popped her purchases into her shopping basket.

  Chapter 7

  Tea and No Sympathy

  Two thirty arrived, and so did Doctor Hariman.

  Chen was watching him with an untrusting eye from within his globe, and Eddy was observing apprehensively from the vantage point of the bookshelf.

  Ruby met him at the door.

  “Ahh, Doctor, so good of you to come at such short notice...”

  “Not at all. Not at all. My pleasure. I hope that the complaint is not.... Threatening?” replied the Doctor in the most oily, congenial manner he could.

  Ruby was hunched a little as she opened the door and carried on the act by rubbing her back as she showed the Doctor to a chair.

  “No. No. No, just temporarily irritating, I believe.... You see, I'm not as mobile as I once was. Age has such a debilitating effect on one's perambulations and this back twinge is becoming an ever increasingly frequent pain – if you'll excuse the pun.”

  The Doctor gave his best impression of a warm smile and asked if he might examine her.

  When Ruby nodded, he pressed here on her back, there on her spine, prodded her a little in the ribs, then stepped back, put his hand on his chin and said, simply: “Hmmmm...”

  “Hmmmm... ?” echoed Ruby, wishing for a fuller prognosis.

  The Doctor confessed that he could not actually find anything wrong: She might have trapped a nerve; it might be that her mattress was too soft and that she needed more support while sleeping – or it could simply be that Ruby was getting old. Whatever the cause, however, he didn't really want to prescribe any painkillers, because it seemed to him that people were far too eager to cram any kind of random medication down their throats these days – and once people get started on pills in a case like this, you could never really be sure where they would stop.

  “Of course,” the Doctor added, tapping the side of his head with his index finger as he did so, “It could all just be in the mind…”

  Ruby stared at him frostily.

 
; “Just because I am old, does not necessarily mean I am stupid, Doctor Hariman.”

  Chen shut his eyes; he could tell that Ruby's temper was rising.

  Then, in an instant, her mood performed a quick somersault.

  “Forgive me Doctor, I didn't mean to be sharp, but the twinges do make one... crotchety, sometimes... Tea?”

  Ruby gestured towards the table, which was perfectly laid out with her finest china tea set and a plate of neat little biscuits, laid out in a row, tidy as a parade of soldiers.

  Chen eyed the Doctor carefully as he approached the table. For someone so small, thin and pale, he seemed to have a surprisingly large 'presence'.

  The Doctor noticed the crystal globe that was Chen's home and remarked to Ruby that she possessed a striking paperweight. Was it Italian millefiori? Or was it a cheaper Chinese copy?

  Chen mouthed an ancient Chinese swear word that the Doctor didn't see.

  “It is Chinese and most definitely not a copy; it is, in fact, remarkably unique.”

  Ruby began to pour the tea in order to distract the Doctor from looking at Chen's domain too closely

  “My, my. The tea light has gone out from underneath the pot. You haven't a match on you by any chance, Doctor?” she twittered.

  The Doctor reached into his black woollen suit jacket and produced a box of matches, which he handed to her.

  Ruby glanced at the box, took out a match, relit the tea light and returned the matches to the Doctor.

  “How fortuitous. One rarely finds anyone with such simple, yet necessary, commodities about their person these days. I am most obliged to you, Doctor. Cold tea is not very convivial, now, is it?”

  Ruby passed the Doctor a tea cup and saucer. “That globe is one of my most treasured items,” she continued, “Tell me Doctor Hariman – what are your favourite possessions?”

  “My favourite possessions? Hmmm. None.... materially, except this minor trinket on my finger.” He lifted his hand to reveal a large, fire-red garnet set in an ornate gold ring. “I’ve had it since – I don’t know when. Ages, actually.”