The Dave Hinchy Code

by Richard Ainsworth

  He gave a sly smile, as the garnet twinkled, and seemed almost to glow, crimson in the light.

  Ruby looked at him over the rim of her teacup. She paused a moment, thinking about what had just been been said.

  “Yes, so I see... It does look very old,” she said, finally, then added, with a cheery air, “Drink up before it gets cold.” She raised her eyebrows in encouragement.

  The Doctor dunked a biscuit and brought it up to his mouth.

  Ruby watched more intently, as he placed the biscuit between his two pale, near-translucent, pinky-blue, slit-like lips. (Pearl had once remarked that the Doctor had a smile like a slit in a carrot, and Ruby now noticed this observation to be quite accurate and not at all derogatory).

  As the tea-soaked biscuit went down his throat, the Doctor's eyes suddenly widened in plain horror.

  He dropped to the carpet, writhing and twitching violently and clutching at his flushed and spasming throat. He gasped! He choked! He spat the tea and the remains of the biscuit across the caravan, gagging and retching for all he was worth; striving to expel every single atomic particle of both beverage and biscuit out, out, out of his body.

  “Akkk! Poison! You're trying to poison me, you crazy old bat!”

  Ruby seemed completely unperturbed. She carried on sipping her tea, nibbling on her biscuit, quite at her ease, seemingly totally disinterested in the doctor's plight.

  “No, Doctor Hariman. Just tea. Quite an interesting infusion, and, I must admit, something of an acquired taste, perhaps, but nonetheless, simply tea. I bought it specifically for the occasion of your visit. Maybe it just went down the wrong hole? Another biccy?”

  The Doctor was still coughing and spluttering. He snarled that he was in no mood for tea 'with an acquired taste', 'biccies' or crazy old witches pretending to have a bad back who went around trying to poison people at the drop of a hat.

  His eyes flashed red and gold with anger and for the briefest of seconds, Ruby could swear they took on a decidedly reptilian cast.

  Chen swam around his globe so that he could get a better view. The afternoon had just become considerably more interesting.

  Eddy recognised the potential dangers of the situation immediately and started to communicate telepathically with Magpie Jack and Tobias, pleading with them to fetch Pearl immediately as a 'situation' was about to 'go down' as they say in the American Police TV shows.

  Still clawing for breath, the Doctor dragged himself to his feet, and steadied himself with the aid of the back of a chair, shaking his head to clear his vision – and his throat.

  “OK, sister, let's stop this dancing around. We can dispense with the politeness, biscuits and 'do you mind if I don'ts'. That’s quite enough twee English country village clichés for one day. Now... Why did you summon me here? What's the point of this intimate little face to face chat?”

  He seemed to grow larger in size and stature with every word he uttered.

  Ruby, however, was unabashed. She'd been threatened by hundreds of potential bullies in her time.

  “I didn't summon anybody, or for that matter, anything, of any nature. I asked you here as a doctor. As for why, well, I wanted to get to know you; find out exactly who you are – and now I know. Because you have confirmed it all to me with a just one single sip of tea.”

  Doctor Hariman's increasingly reptilian-looking eyes narrowed.

  Eddy was frantically sending out mental S.O.S. messages, but was getting no reply. “Oh what's the skulling point?” he thought, desperately.

  Chen was watching in growing alarm, wondering what use he could be if events escalated. Wise words weren't much use when you have a lizard-eyed maniac rampaging through your home.

  Ruby continued to sip her tea; she was not to be hurried.

  “Doctor Hariman. I'm particularly interested in you, because although everybody seems to know you and is certain that you have been in this village for quite some time, NOBODY can put their finger on precisely when you first 'appeared'. Not even me. I remember the doctor before you, but it is all a little... fog-bound, or... spellbound, one might even be bold enough to say...”

  The Doctor remained quiet, still staring at Ruby. The only indication that he was alive at all and not some pale waxen statue, was a vein pulsing in his temple, marking time, and the lizard-like way he would occasionally lick his lips.

  “How long HAVE you been here Doctor Hariman? And what is your ultimate purpose?… It may interest your 'crab-like' brain - ” (The mention of a crab caught the Doctor's attention; his eyes widened, betraying him.). “Ahh... I see I've struck a chord. Well, as I say, it may interest you to know that I am aware of your... 'crustacean' activities and am seeing Reverend Phullaposi shortly. Maybe he will be more... forthcoming in his conversation? Oh, and don't try anything silly with regard to the good Reverend. As you may assume, he has friends in high places. He is not, I repeat, NOT, alone. However, the questions still remain... How long have you been in Widdowshins? And what exactly is the nature of your allegiance with the Nutters?”

  “My relationship with Alice Nutter and her ever-so-close family is nothing to do with you. They are simply good and faithful servants to... the community. And as for me... I've been here as long as you. Longer, I dare say. Since time immemorial, in fact. I was here before the very stones that make up the simple homes and dwellings were created. Now, get out of my way, witch, or you may not live long enough to regret it!”

  With a strength his outwardly visible frame would belie, he roughly pushed Ruby aside.

  At that very moment, Pearl entered the caravan, together with Tobias and Magpie Jack. Hariman shoved past them, too, and kicked open the door of the caravan, making good his escape out onto the road. By the time they had all gathered themselves up, he had disappeared, quite literally, in a cloud of green vapour, into thin air.

  “That's the second time visitors have abused my door. It's becoming a habit, and I don't like it,” Ruby snorted.

  Chapter 8

  Poor Old Hari, the Unhappy Chappy

  Later, sitting around Ruby's living room table, (and, yes, all having tea, as usual) Pearl explained how they had received Eddy's frantic plea over the ether and hurried as quickly as possible, to be of any assistance they could.

  “And from the look of things we arrived just in the nick of time, before things got really nasty.”

  “Quite. Just in the 'Nick' of Time,” Ruby agreed, “Most accurately and appositely phrased, Pearl dear. The Old Nick of Time. Indeed. Any longer, and it might have been the Time of Old Nick.”

  The others all looked at her suspiciously; for of course 'Old Nick', is a common nickname for the Devil.

  “Ruby... just what has been going on here?” Pearl asked.

  Ruby gave her sister and the others a full update of what had happened and why. She explained that the reason Doctor Hariman had reacted so violently, was because he wasn't really a Doctor at all, but something Other – as would become evident before very much longer. Her more immediate concerns, though, were for the Reverend and Dave. She did not think that Hariman would act this evening as he would be too busy consulting with Nutter, Devizes and the like, but all the same, it would be a good idea if Magpie Jack and Tobias were to go and keep vigil outside the Vicarage, just to be on the safe side.

  Tobias was not happy about spending all night in a churchyard.

  “Herne knows what'll be creeping about in there,” he whined.

  Eddy agreed. “For one thing, there'll be you, skulking about, lowering the tone of the entire neighbourhood.”

  Tobias didn't bother to reply; he merely flashed Eddy a disdainful glance, and then he and Magpie Jack toddled dutifully off on their way.

  Ruby watched the two familiars disappear back down the road, then turned to her sister with a sober expression.

  “Pearl, we have preparations to make. I fear we may have our very own Battle of Britain looming, and you, I, Tobias, Eddy and Chen are the only line of defence... Unless, that is,
we can persuade David to use his limited brain and see the error of his misguided ways.”

  Pearl sighed. She was mentally preparing herself for the fight.

  “So are we trusting in David and the Reverend and praying the Almighty?”

  “No,” replied Ruby. “We are trusting in the Almighty, and praying for David and the Reverend.”

  **********

  Immediately after disappearing from outside Ruby's caravan, the Doctor re-appeared inside Alice Nutter's cottage.

  “Alice!” He snapped his fingers. “Meeting! Here! Now! Get Devises and the others!!”

  “Huh? What?” Alice was confused by his demeanour and tone.

  “I SAID NOW, WENCH!!!!” Hariman's eyes rolled, swivelled, bulged, and then transformed; becoming quite serpentine in shape and colour. He was apocalyptic with rage; seething so much that sulphurous yellow smoke started to emanate around him.

  Brocken, Alice's raven familiar, took the none-too-subtle hint and flapped raggedly off, out of the window and out of the way.

  Alice had never seen the Doctor in a mood like this before; he had always been so calm, so rational and sanguine. She fumbled her mobile phone out of her cassock pocket. Scrolling down the menu of contacts, she saw Liz Devizes' name, pressed the 'Call' button, and heard the familiar ringing tone.

  It went on for far too long. Alice could feel herself in the early stages of a panic attack.

  Finally, there was a small noise halfway between a click and a bleep, then a slow, creaky, croaky noise, that sounded more like a dry, old, dead tree on a strong windy night than anything human. It was the voice of Liz Devises:

  “Oooo... Hello Alice, my dear. I'm a little busy brewing up a spell to blight the weather on the forth-coming village bowls tournament... Can I give you a ring back later?”

  Alice could hear Hariman banging about in her front room; pushing and kicking the furniture about, cursing, fizzing and spitting with rage.

  “No! You certainly may NOT phone me back later! You need to get your more than ample backside round here straight away! Hariman's on the warpath and if things aren't sorted out to his satisfaction, fast, then we are all going to suffer for it – and most terribly!”

  Liz was still not convinced by the need for such of urgency. Was Alice sure it was that serious, and not just a petty tantrum - or simple indigestion, perhaps?

  The explosion from the front room sounded loud, even on the opposite end of a phone line, and convinced Liz at once:

  “I'll be there directly.”

  The phone disconnected, and no more than an instant later Liz Devises was standing in Alice Nutter's cottage.

  “I thought I'd use an instant teleportation spell, given the circumstances. They're a bit risky when it comes to steering, obviously. Can’t always guarantee where you’ll end up. Remember that time we wanted to nip down to ASDA in Radcliffe and we ended up in Koovshinova? That tiny village in Russia? Nice people, good vodka, lots of chickens, I recall; very rural. Bit embarrassing though, and they didn't have any of the shopping we wanted either. Anyway, I thought it would be worth a go even so, since things are so urgent. Needs must, and all that...”

  “Stop wittering for pity's sake!” pleaded Alice.

  She reminded Liz that the Devil was indeed driving and, if they didn't placate him and do his bidding immediately, if not sooner, then he would almost certainly be dragging them both off straight to hell, without even the comfort of a hand cart to ride in.

  They stood in Alice's kitchen listening to the tornado of noise and destruction taking place in the front room. Bangs and clatters and thuds; clashing and crashing, clattering and shattering.

  Finally, Alice took a deep breath, and the pair went to investigate. They were just about to open the living room door, when something slammed into it with great force, and they opted instead to take a peek through the keyhole first.

  Alice gasped at what she saw. Books, jugs, bottles, baubles, magazines and all the other periphery of a witch’s normal existence were whirling around; smashing into one another, dashing into countless pieces, hitting the walls, the furniture and each other.

  In the centre of the psychic storm stood Hariman; his rage the evident cause of the chaos.

  “That is not a happy doctor,” remarked Alice, waiting for a lull in the storm so she could open the door without too much fear of being battered to death by an erratically flying book or tea pot.

  “Maybe we should let him burn himself out?” Liz offered tentatively, as another crash underlined the doctor's great displeasure.

  “Where are my menials!!?” Hariman roared. “Soon all shall know me as I should be; my true form, not this worm in a shrivelled, pale, pink casing!”

  He stood in the centre of the whistling, whirling, self-created hurricane, his voice blending perfectly with the cacophony caused by flying household objects.

  The noise was enough to shake the very walls of the cottage. Plaster and age-old dust was being stirred up throughout the house, covering the two cowering witches in a pale layer of greyish, whitish powder, making them look like extras from a low budget film from the silent era.

  Blinking the grit from their eyes and coughing it up from their throats, Liz and Alice grasped the door handle and turned it. Neither of them had been this scared or nervous since the time they asked Beelzebub for his autograph (He was the D.J. at an evil witches’ all night sabbat and rave party a couple of years ago).

  The door swung open. As it did so, the maelstrom within abruptly stopped. All of the objects that were in mid-air fell unceremoniously to the floor with an almighty clatter, creating an unholy pile of wreckage that not even a world-class jigsaw expert would be able to piece together.

  Hariman snapped his head round towards the door – and the two terrified witches. His appearance had changed, but neither Alice nor Liz could put their fingers on exactly how. He had just... changed, it was as simple as that. He had changed in appearance, kind of, and demeanour, most definitely.

  He smiled warmly at them. It was the warmth of a poker that has just been taken, red hot from a glowing furnace; radiant, but still very, very dangerous to be near.

  “Ahh, ladies. Good afternoon to you both. So glad you could join me at such short notice.” The Doctor's voice was all sweetness and light. He flashed the pair an alligator smile. “Please forgive the mess…” He indicated the wreckage around him with a backwards toss of his hand. “It is so difficult these days to find reliable and conscientious domestic staff. Speaking of which... we need to have a quiet little 'chat'. Alice, fix some tea would you? There's a good girl. Could you also please be so kind as to bring me some cake or some other such sweet morsel to go with it?”

  He simpered, over-acting shamelessly, delicately placing his fingertips on his forehead.

  “I'm feeling a little... depleted. Prolonged rages have a way of using up one's natural body sugars and leaving one with such dreadful headaches, don't you find?”

  “They certainly do, they certainly do,” Alice agreed, hastily.

  Hariman's change of mood once the door was open had taken her completely on the back foot, but obviously a genial Doctor was infinitely more agreeable than a ragingly destructive one, and so provoking him again would not be the wisest of moves.

  Smiling sweetly, she glided back into the kitchen to carry out his wishes.

  “The man ought to be in a straight jacket!” she hissed under her breath at Liz as she passed.

  Liz nodded, and eyed the Doctor warily from the doorway.

  “Elizabeth, do come into my humble parlour.” Hariman made a low bow; a sweeping, serpentine gesture. “Sit down, make yourself at home. We have a lot to discuss and very little time in which to do so.”

  Liz was not taken in by his warmth and bonhomie in the slightest. She knew full well that he was simply demonstrating by his manner that he was very, very much in charge here; and from his words she understood that there was dirty work to be done, and that both she and Alice would e
nd up doing it. So be it. That was fine. It was what she had been brought up to do – and, in the past, she had thoroughly enjoyed doing it.

  She eased herself into a large, leather, wing-backed chair, as near to the door as she politely could, in case a swift exit was called for.

  Shortly, Alice returned from the kitchen with the refreshments; a stupidly large pot of tea and a dubious-looking seed cake.

  Alice sat down, and Hariman gestured, haughtily, for her to pour the tea.

  For an uncomfortable minute or so, nobody said or did anything.

  Finally, the Doctor helped himself to a large portion of seed cake, bit into it.

  “Hmm. Delicious,” he remarked, daintily dabbing the corner of his mouth with a napkin.

  He tried a sip of tea: “Nettle? Your own brew? How fabulous!”

  He politely cleared his throat, waited a couple of seconds to underline the gravitas of the moment, smiled benevolently at the two still slightly dust-coated witches and announced in a quiet, steady, calm and confident voice...

  “Ladies... I think we have been rumbled.”

  Chapter 9

  A Tête-à-tête and Tea

  Ruby arrived outside the Vicarage at ten o'clock in the morning, sharp. She rapped on the solid wooden door with all the vigour and confidence of a traditional girls' school sports and gymnastics mistress.

  Reverend Phullaposi opened the door to find Ruby's cheerful face positively beaming at him.

  “Good morning, Reverend!” she boomed heartily, breathing in the air in an overenthusiastic manner. “Bracing, isn't it? What a beautiful Summer's morning! We're certainly having good fortune with the weather this year! The plants are blooming and the scents are heavy in the air. Marvellous, don't you think, Reverend?”

  Without waiting for a reply or an invitation, Ruby pushed some pots of home-made jam and marmalade into the Reverend’s open arms, barged past him and, before he knew it, was already in his living room studying the collection of watercolour paintings on his walls.