Toppleton's Client; Or, A Spirit in Exile

by John Kendrick Bangs

  CHAPTER IX.

  THE CROWNING ACT OF INFAMY.

  "HEAR me to the end, Hopkins, I beseech you," said the exile earnestly."Of course the fiend strikes you as a being to be avoided, but I do notbelieve that he is now as powerful and as terrible as he was in the daysgone by. Long confinement to a purely mortal sphere must necessarilyhave weakened his supernatural powers, and it strikes me that properlymanaged by a young and aggressive lawyer, our case against him would bewon in an instant. At all events, do not compel me to leave my storyunfinished. I am sure that when you hear of the crowning act of infamyof which my evil genius was guilty, you will not hesitate a moment inmaking up your mind that duty summons you to aid me."

  "Very well," rejoined Hopkins. "Go on with the tale, only do not be toosanguine as to its results in convincing me that I am the man toextricate you from this horrid plight."

  "After I had attended one or two meetings of the House of Commons," saidthe exile, resuming the thread of his story, "I enjoyed the experienceso much that I almost forgave the fiend for having so nearly ruined mewith all my old friends; and having written, in accordance with hispromise, a truly beautiful letter to my mother, explaining away theharsh treatment she had suffered at the hands of her now illustrious sonon the ground of his not being quite himself on that occasion--a stateof mind due to too close attention to work and study--I quite forgavehim for that unpleasant episode in my campaign. My mother too overlookedthe affront, and wrote me a most affectionate epistle, stating that Imight trample upon her most cherished ideals with her entireacquiescence if my taking that course would ensure to her the receipt ofso loving and touching a letter as the one I had sent her. The fiend andI both had to smile, on receiving my mother's note, to observe that thedear old lady attributed my ability to express myself in such beautifulterms to the poetic traits I had inherited from her.

  "'She's very proud of her dear boy,' sneered the fiend.

  "'In spite of his brutality at the committee-room,' I retorted; and thenwe both grinned, for each truly believed that he had got the better ofthe other."

  "It was a pretty close contest," said Hopkins. "But on the whole thelaugh seems to be on you."

  "It certainly was the first time I tried to speak in Parliament,"returned the spirit. "Such a failure was never seen. I was to take partin a very important debate, and when the hour came for me to get on myfeet and talk, I was my weak-kneed self and utterly unacquainted evenwith the side I was expected to take. The fiend had promised to do allthe talking, and on this occasion failed to materialize. I spoke for tenminutes in an incoherent fashion, mouthing my words so that no one couldunderstand a syllable that I uttered. It was a fearful disappointment tomy friends in the House and in the galleries; the latter being packedwhen it was understood that I was to speak. Of course, when the fiendappeared later on, he straightened it all out, and the printed speechwhich he dictated and which I wrote was really a fine effort and did ourparty much good. But these little embarrassments were tragedies to me,and at every new success I quailed before the possibilities ofdisastrous failure at the next effort. In but one respect was I entirelyfree from the fiendish influence, and that was in the matter of mylove. From that phase of my life the fiend kept himself apart, and itwas the only joyous oasis to be found in the boundless desert of mymisery. To the fiend, Sunday was literally a day of rest, for upon thatday he never approached me, and I devoted it to calling upon the woman Iloved.

  "She was a beautiful woman, the only daughter of a retired citymerchant, and fond of the admiration of successful men. That she lovedme before I attained to eminence in the various professions in which thefiend had compelled me to dabble, I had much reason to believe; but Ihad never ventured to make love to her in dead earnest, because I fearedfor the result. She had often said to me that while she should nevermarry for riches and position, she did not intend to fall in love withany man just because he had neither, and that no man need ever proposemarriage to her who was not reasonably sure of a successful career. Itwas not selfishness that led her to think and speak in this manner, buta realizing sense of the unhappy fact that mediocrity married is ashopeless as a broken-winded race-horse in harness. There is plenty ofambition but no future, and as she often said, 'Where hopelessnesscomes, happiness dwelleth not!'"

  "A daughter of Solomon, I wot," interrupted Toppleton.

  "Yes," said the spirit, with a sigh for her he had lost, "and rathersuperior to the old gentleman in a great many ways. Of course Iunderstood, and, lacking achievement in my profession, discreetly heldmy tongue on the subject of matrimony, taking good care, however, when Icalled never to let any other fellow outstay me, unless perchance he wassome poor drivelling idiot from whose immediate present the laurel wasfurther removed than from my own. She understood me, I think, though Inever put that point to a practical test by a proposal of marriage. Thiswas the state of affairs at the time of my first meeting with the fiend,and for a year subsequent to that ill-starred night upon which he firstcrossed my path I let matters take their own course, waiting afavourable opportunity to ask the great question, upon the answer towhich hung all my future happiness. I could see that with my increasingfame, her interest in me waxed; but as every passing day brought new andundreamed-of distinctions she grew more and more reserved toward me--amost feminine trait that, Hopkins. When a woman begins to love a man indead earnest, in nine cases out of ten she will make him feel that he isutterly abhorrent to her, and it's a good thing she does, because itmakes him look carefully into his own character in an endeavour todiscover and to root out all the undesirable features thereof. It isthis that enables love to redeem men whom the world considersirredeemable, so, of course, I had no feeling of discouragement at hergrowing coldness, for, understanding women, I knew exactly what itmeant. I think I was more or less of an enigma to her."

  "I should think it likely," said Toppleton. "If she really knew you, shemust have been mightily surprised at your sudden strides towardsuniversal genius. It's a wonder to me that she did not suspect theenigma, and give it up."

  "Yes," returned the spirit. "It was very embarrassing to me when sheexpressed her surprise at my progress, and asked me how I did it, andother questions equally hard to answer. And then her father, who wasalways more or less insufferable, now became absolutely insulting--thatis, his new found appreciation of my virtues led him into makingassertions which galled me, he little knew how much--assertions to theeffect that to look at me no one would suspect that I had more thanordinary intelligence; that to hear me talk one would never suppose Icould make a speech of any kind, much less set the world on fire by myeloquence; and finally, that no man after this could tell him that itwas possible to judge of the future by the past, or the past by thepresent, for he had always thought me foredoomed to failure, and I hadachieved success, and, having achieved success, gave no present evidencethat I deserved it."

  "He had the making of the accepted mother-in-law in him," said Hopkins."What could have induced you to fall in love with the daughter of a manlike that?"

  "She was a superb woman, that's what," rejoined the spirit withenthusiasm, "and when I think of the happiness that the Nile-green shadefirst placed within my reach and then snatched from me, I regret thatthe soul is immortal, and that I am not all-powerful, for it wouldplease me to grind his soul into absolute nothingness.

  "It was at least a year and two months subsequent to my first meetingwith him," continued the spirit as soon as his overwrought feelingswould permit, "that he first broached the subject of matrimony. He hadattended a grand ball at the house of the Earl of Piccadilly and was thelion of the occasion owing to his stand in certain recent Parliamentarycrises. His readiness in debate had gained him a high position, and hisnatural grace of manner--that is, _my_ natural grace of manner--hadhelped him to a hold on the affections of those with whom he wasassociated, for, as he grew more accustomed to my figure and got hisangles comfortably rounded off to fit my curves, he managed to subduethat horrible aspect he had assumed with suc
h fearful effect in thetrial of Baskins _v._ Baskins, and when geniality was the attribute mostlikely to help him on he was geniality personified. The ball wasostensibly one of the Earl of Piccadilly's usual series of annualfunctions, but in reality it was given for the purpose of introducing meinto society. From all accounts, it was a grand affair, and I seemed tohave made as fine an impression as a social debutant as I had in the lawcourts, in the field of literature, and in the House of Commons. If thefiend spoke truly that night, when he returned and handed my fatiguedbody over to me for a rest, I made a marked success; all the ladies wereraving about me; I was a divine dancer, though before that night my feethad never tripped to the strains of a waltz, polka, or any otherterpsichorean exercise. I pleased the dowagers as well as the maids, andhad, in short, become an eligible--that is I had become as desirable amatrimonial _parti_ as an untitled person could hope to be, and thefiend remarked with a sly wink that it was not beyond the range ofpossibilities that the Premier would bestow upon me one of the peeragesat his disposal when the proper time came.

  "'Bachelorhood is pardonable in a young man,' said my evil genius uponthis occasion, 'but we must marry if we are to reach the pinnacle ofsuccess. There is a solidity about the married man's estate thatbachelorhood lacks, and I rather think I can make a match that will pushus ahead.'

  "'I don't think I need your assistance,' I replied. 'In fact I preferthat some of the things which pertain to myself shall be left entirelyin my own hands. In matters of the affections I can take care ofmyself.'

  "'Very well,' was the fiend's response. 'Have your own way about it,only take my advice and get married. We need a wife.'

  "'We?' I cried. 'We! I just want you to understand, my dear sir, thatthe pronoun doesn't fit the case. _I_ may need a wife and _you_ may needa wife, but if you think I'm going into any co-operative scheme with youin that matter you are less omniscient than usual. Remember that pleaseand let us have nothing more to say on the subject.'"

  "That was a very proper stand for you to take," said Hopkins, gravely."Though I think that, under the circumstances, you should have given upall ideas of marriage. No woman would have you, knowing that you werenot yourself at times; and then having as little control over your otherself as you seem to have had, you would often have found yourself in hotwater for flirting with other women, when, in reality, your own self wasas innocent as a mountain daisy."

  "I know I did wrong in thinking of marriage, Hopkins," returned thespirit, "but if you had ever met the woman I loved, you would have lovedher too--yes, even if you were a confirmed celibate. I don't believe aCardinal, sir, would have hesitated between his hat and her. My solejustification was her loveliness, and then the fiend's readyacquiescence in my statement that in that matter he must hold aloof gaveme confidence that I might safely take the step I had so long and soardently desired to take.

  "Weeks passed by, and in everything save the courtship of MissHicksworthy-Johnstone I gave myself unreservedly over to the fiend, whobegan suddenly to take an interest in my personal appearance which hehad never before manifested. He laid in a fine supply of clothes--dresssuits, walking suits, lounging suits--suits in fact of every descriptionand of the finest texture. Shirts and collars, and ties of the choicestsort were imported by him from Paris, and on my hands I now observed hewas beginning to wear kid gloves of fashionable type. His hats and shoeswere distinctly in the mode, and his jewelry, as far as it went, was ofunexceptionable taste and quiet elegance. In fact, Toppleton, I began tobe something of a dandy. This I attributed to the natural vanity of myother self. I, too, was proud of that graceful form, but I never thoughtenough about it to go about arraying it in a fashion which neitherSolomon nor the lily of the field could ever have approached. I carednothing for gloves save as a means to a warm finger's end, and it madeno difference to me whether my hat was of the style of '48, or pluckedfresh from the French Emperor's own block. As long as my head wascovered I was satisfied. Patent leather shoes I could never bring myselfto buy, because they had always seemed to me to go hand in hand eitherwith poverty or laziness. To a man who cannot afford shoe blacking orwho is too lazy to black his own boots, patent leathers, I thought, werea boon; but I never classed myself under either head, and wore theregular foot gear of the plain but honest son of toil.

  "But now all was changed. My other self was vain, and unexpectedly gavehimself over to dandyism. At first he rather disturbed my equanimity bywearing somewhat loud patterns, but he soon got over that, and betweenus, after a very little while, two or three months perhaps, my body hadthe best clothes there were to be had in all London. I had not realizedall this time that I was fast becoming a millionaire, and when mytailor's bill for fifteen hundred pounds came home one night I was in agreat stew, but the fiend came in and relieved my conscience very muchby showing me my balance in the bank. It amounted, Toppleton, to onehundred and seventy-five thousand pounds, with an income still runningevenly along from my law practice of ten thousand pounds per annum, notto mention the revenues from my books, which in six months had amountedto two thousand pounds. I was a rich man, and when I observed that thiswas my condition, I made up my mind to ask Miss Hicksworthy-Johnstone'shand in marriage the very next time I saw her. I hoped this would besoon, but, alas for human expectations, it was not. The Christmasholidays were about to begin, and I bethought me that at the season ofgoodwill toward men I might ask the possessor of my heart to accept itas a permanent gift, a decision which I unfortunately kept to myself,for from one end of the holidays to the other I never laid eyes upon mymortal habitation. The fiend was off with it for one whole month,Hopkins."

  "Didn't you know where?" asked Toppleton.

  "I did not," returned the spirit. "He went off with it as usual onenight late in November to attend a meeting of the leaders of our party,telling me not to worry if he did not return for twenty-four hours,since there was important business on hand. What the business was he didnot inform me, nor did I seek to know it, since under our arrangement itwas not necessary that I should familiarize myself with parliamentarymatters, which were usually as dry as they were weighty anyhow, andhence distasteful to me.

  "Well, I waited twenty-four hours and no fiend appeared. Another daypassed with no sign of him. A third day moved into the calendar of thepast; a week elapsed, then a second, a third, a fourth, and finally amonth had gone. I was growing sick with apprehension. What if somethingdreadful had happened and my lovely, only body was lying dead somewhere,too shattered for the fiend to remain longer within it, and gone forever from me? What if the present occupant of my corse had again yieldedto the seductive influence of the cup, and was off somewhere upon aprolonged spree? I floated uneasily in and about my quarters here,sleepless, worried to distraction. I searched my papers, as best I couldwithout hands, to see if there was not some clue as to my whereaboutsamong them, and found none. I went through the contents of the wastebasket even, and found nothing to relieve my dreadful anxiety, and thenI went to the wardrobe to search the pockets of my clothes for possibleevidence to calm my agitated soul.

  "Toppleton, there was not one vestige of a garment in that clothes pressfrom top to bottom. Not a shoe, not a coat, absolutely nothing. It wasbare even as Mother Hubbard's cupboard was bare. This was an additionalshock, and I became giddy with fear. I floated madly across to thebureau and peered into the drawers thereof. Beyond the ties I hadformerly worn and the collars, frayed at the edges, of my negligee days,nothing remained, and then for the first time I noticed that my trunkwas gone from the room.

  "'What can it mean?' I asked myself, though I might as well have sparedthe question, for it was one I could not answer. Days came and went,leaving me still pondering. Christmas Eve came and found me here mopingin a cheerless apartment, friendless, forlorn, clothesless andbodiless--a fine way to pass what should have been the happiest night ofthe year."

  "Elegant!" said Toppleton. "It might have been worse though. If you hadhad your body and still been clothesless you would have found it rathercold, I fancy
."

  "I had almost given up all hope of ever seeing myself again," continuedthe exile, ignoring Hopkins' interruption, "when on the evening ofJanuary second I heard a step coming along the hall which I at oncerecognized as my own, my latch-key was inserted in the lock and the doorwas opened, and at last I stood before myself again, the picture ofhealth and happiness.

  "'Are you there?' my lips said with a broad smile, as my body enteredthe room.

  "'I am,' I replied shortly; 'and I've been here, Heaven knows how long,worried sick to know what had become of you. I don't think you are themost considerate fiend in the world to take me off for weeks withoutletting me know anything of my whereabouts.'

  "'I am very sorry,' said the fiend, throwing himself down on the lounge.'I meant to have told you, but you were not here when I returned. LordSmitherton invited me out to his house at Snorley Farms for theChristmas holidays along with the Earl of Pupley, GeneralCarlingberry-Jimpson, and a half-dozen members of the Birmingham Societyof Fine Arts. It was an invitation I could not well refuse, and,besides, our carcass here was beginning to feel the need of an outing,so I accepted. I came back here to tell you about it, but you must havebeen floating about somewhere else. At all events, you are much betterfor the outing, and your purely mortal self has had a good time. And, bythe way, I want to warn you about one point. When you are the occupantof this corse, I think you would better not walk down Rotten Row, or goanywhere in fact where I am accustomed to going, because you don't knowmy friends any more than I know yours, and that is apt to lead tomisunderstanding. Lady Romaine Cushing, who was visiting LadySmitherton, told me that I had cut her dead in the Row one afternoon,although she had stopped her carriage particularly to speak to me. Itwas you who cut her, but, of course, you were not to blame, because younever saw Lady Romaine Cushing; but it is hard to explain away littlematters of that sort, and I had the deuce of a time getting her tobelieve that her eye must have deceived her. We can't afford to offendour friends of the fair sex, you know; they can make or mar a man thesedays.'

  "'And I am to be kept away from the haunts of polite society,' I said,with some natural indignation, 'just because it embarrasses _you_ toexplain why I don't bow to people I don't know.'

  "'But it's all for your good,' he replied. 'You seem to forget that I amactuated entirely by the best of motives.'

  "'No doubt,' I said, 'but I think it's rather hard on me to be excludedfrom the most attractive quarter of London.'

  "'You are not excluded. You can walk there if you choose at night orvery early in the morning, or when Society is out of town, or, betterstill, you can float there in your invisible state at anytime. In fact,'added the fiend, 'it would be very enjoyable for you, I should think, todo that last. You can poise yourself over a tree for instance, and watchyourself hobnobbing with the illustrious. You can sit in yourinvisibility in any one of the carriages that roll to and fro, and, aslong as you do not obtrude yourself on the occupants, there is not anequipage in London, high or low, in which you cannot ride. You arebetter off than I am in that respect. While I have no particular shape Iam visible like a bit of sea-fog, but you being invisible can goanywhere without making trouble. The theatres are open to you free ofcharge. The best seats are at your disposal. If you choose to do it youcould even sit on the throne of England, and nobody would be the wiser.'

  "'That's all very well,' I said; 'but I don't care to travel about inthat impersonal fashion. I prefer the incarnate manner of doing things,and if you will kindly permit me to assume bodily form once more, I'llbe very much obliged.'

  "'Certainly!' he replied, and with that we changed places.

  "The sensation of getting back to my accustomed figure once more wasdelightful, and there was no denying the fact that I was better off forthe outing I had so unceremoniously taken. My step was elastic, my headfelt clear as a bell, and, altogether, I had never before enjoyed theconsciousness of so great a physical strength as now was mine.

  "This feeling gave me courage to do many things which I had hitherto putoff, and among them was the making of a proposal of marriage to theadmired Miss Hicksworthy-Johnstone. It was seven o'clock when the fiendhad left me to the personal enjoyment of my complete self, and at eighto'clock I was in a hansom cab speeding out to the dwelling-place of thewoman I loved. At eight thirty I was on my knees before her, and byeleven o'clock I was her accepted suitor. Such happiness as was mine,Hopkins, no man ever knew. The only trouble known to my soul at themoment was the consciousness that Arabella, as I was now permitted tocall Miss Hicksworthy-Johnstone, was in the dark as to the methods bywhich my greatness had been achieved. I could not confess my dreadfulsecret to her, for that would have put an end entirely to our relations,and I loved her so that I could not bring myself to give her up. Sheasked me numberless questions of a most embarrassing sort, as if shesuspected there was something wrong, but I managed in some way, I knownot how, to give a plausible answer to every one of them."

  "Possibly the fiend left a little of his brain in your head when he gotout," suggested Toppleton.

  "Perhaps so," returned the exile. "However it was, I managed to make outa satisfactory case for myself, and at the close of a cross-examinationsuch as no man ever went through before, lasting two and a half hours,Arabella threw herself into my arms and called me by my first name. Shewas mine, and all the world seemed bright.

  "I walked home," continued the spirit, "and in a condition of ecstasythat almost compensates for all I have suffered since. My feet seemedhardly to touch the ground, and I whistled from the time I left Arabellauntil I entered my room here,--a reprehensible habit, perhaps, but onewhich had always been my method of expressing satisfaction with theworld. As I entered this room I was brought down from my ecstaticheights to an appreciation of my actual state, for the first thing togreet my eyes was the fiend, greener than ever, sitting by the fireruminating apparently, for it was at least five minutes before he tooknote of my presence, although I addressed him politely as soon as I sawhim.

  "'Hallo,' he said finally. 'Where have you been?'

  "The question was as unexpected as it was natural, and I was unpreparedfor it, so I made no reply, covering my silence by taking off my shoesand preparing for bed.

  "'Where have you been?' he asked again, this time in a tone soperemptory that I decided in an instant not to tell him.

  "'Out,' I answered. 'Where have you?'

  "At this he laughed.

  "'Don't be impudent,' he said. 'I do not wish to pry into your affairs.I only wanted to know where you had been because I am interested inyou, and I want to help you to avoid pitfalls.'

  "'That's all right,' I responded graciously. 'I appreciate yourkindness, but you need not be interested in where I have been to-night,because I have been engaged in a little matter that concerns you not atall.'

  "'Very well,' he replied, turning once more to the fire. 'I'll take yourword for it; only you and I must be perfectly candid with each other, orcomplications may arise, that's all. By the way, I'll have to borrow youagain to-morrow morning. There are a half-dozen members of Parliamentcoming here to discuss certain matters of state, and you would besomewhat embarrassed if you undertook to meet them.'

  "'That suits me,' I said, happy enough to acquiesce in anything. 'OnlyI'll want to get back here to-morrow evening. I have an engagement.'

  "The fiend eyed me narrowly for a moment, and I winced beneath his gaze.

  "'All right,' he said, 'you can get back, but this Parliamentarybusiness is very important, and I _must_ have the semblance of a mortalbeing every morning this week.'

  "'That can be arranged,' I replied. Arabella could have my evenings,and he could have my mornings. That was fair enough, I thought, and soit happened. Every night for a week I spent in the company of my_fiancee_,--whose name, by the way, I never mentioned in the fiend'spresence--and every morning for the same period he was in charge,conducting negotiations which only served to make me more famous.

  "Finally the dreadful morning came. It was Sat
urday, and the fiend and Iwere sitting together in my quarters. We had just changed places. I wasin my present disembodied state, and the fiend had taken possession forthe day, when there was heard in the corridor a quick nervous step whichstopped as he who directed it came to my door, and a voice, which to myconsternation I recognized at once as that of Arabella's fatherfollowing close upon a resounding knock, cried out,--

  "'This is the place. This is the kennel in which the hound lives. Openthe door!'

  "There was not time for the fiend and me to change places. Indeed, I hadhardly recognized the old gentleman's voice, when the fiend in answer tohis demand opened the door.

  "A madder man than my prospective father-in-law appeared to be I neversaw, Hopkins," said the spirit, his voice trembling with emotion. "Hewas livid, and when the door opened, and he saw the man he supposed tobe me standing before him showing absolutely no signs of recognition, hefairly foamed at the mouth.

  "'How do you do, sir?' said the fiend, polite as Chesterfield.

  "'Don't speak to me, you puppy,' roared the old gentleman. 'Don't youdare to address me until I address you.'

  "'This is most extraordinary,' said the fiend, seemingly nonplussed atMr. Hicksworthy-Johnstone's inexplicable wrath; for he could understandit no better than I, and to me it was absolutely incomprehensible, for Iwas not aware of anything that I had done that could possibly give riseto so violent an ebullition of rage. 'I am at a loss, sir, to understandwhy you enter the office of a gentleman in a fashion so unbecoming toone of your years; you must have made some mistake.'

  "'Mistake!' shrieked Arabella's father. 'Mistake, you snivellinghypocrite? What mistake can there be? Do you see that note in thisweek's _Vanity Fair_, you vile deceiver? Do you see me? Do you seeanything?'

  "'I see you,' replied the fiend calmly, 'and I wish I didn't.'

  "'I'll go bond you wish you didn't,' howled the enraged visitor. 'Andwhen I get through with you you'll wish I hadn't brought this oak stickalong with me. Now I want to know what explanation you have to make ofthat paragraph in the paper.'

  "'I cannot explain what I have not read,' returned the fiend. 'Nor shallI attempt to read what you wish to have explained until I know who youare, and what possible right you can have to demand an explanation ofanything from me. What are you, anyhow, a retired maniac or simply anactive imbecile?'

  "As the fiend spoke these words," said the spirit, "I tried to arresthim; but he was so angry that he either could not or would not hear mywhispered injunction that he be silent. As for the old gentleman, he satgasping in his chair, glaring at my poor self, a perfect picture ofapoplectic delirium. The fiend returned the glare unflinchingly.

  "'Well!' gasped Mr. Hicksworthy-Johnstone after a minute's steadyglance, 'if you aren't the coolest hand in Christendom. Who am I, eh?What am I here for, eh? What's my name, eh? What claim have I on you,eh? Young man, you are the most consummate Lothario on the footstool.You are a Don Juan with the hide of a rhinoceros and the calmness of asnow-clad Alp, but I can just tell you one thing. You can't trifle withArabella!'

  "And then, Hopkins, that infernal fiend looked my father-in law electsquare in the eye and asked,--

  "'Who the devil is Arabella?'

  "As the words fell from my lips, the old gentleman with an oath startedfrom his chair, and grasping the inkstand from the table, hurled it withall his force at my waistcoat, which received it with breathlesssurprise; and then, Toppleton, it breaks my heart to say it, but myfoot--the foot of him who loved Arabella to distraction,--was liftedagainst her father, and the man to whom he had promised his daughter'shand, appeared to kick him forcibly, despite his grey hairs, out intoand along the corridor to the head of the stairs. Then, as I watched,the two men grappled and went crashing down the stairs, head over heelstogether.

  "Sick with fear and mortification, I flew back into the room, where,lying upon the floor, I saw the copy of _Vanity Fair_ that Mr.Hicksworthy-Johnstone had brought, and marked with blue pencil upon thepage before me was printed the announcement of the engagement of myselfto Ariadne Maude, second daughter of John Edward Fackleton, Earl ofPupley, of Castle Marrowfat, Sauceton Downs, Worcestershire."