Dare to Fall

by Estelle Maskame

  “What? No.” I drop my hands from Jaden’s chest and stare back at Will, confused. “Why the hell would I invite Darren?”

  “Because he’s here.”

  32

  I storm down the staircase at lightning speed with Will racing after me. My cheeks are red with fury; my pulse is racing. I most certainly did not invite Darren and considering I am the only person in this house that he can even be considered friends with, I know that I am the reason he is here. It is my job to ask him to leave, not only because he wasn’t invited, but because I don’t want him here, especially after the move he made on me on Monday.

  Downstairs, the music is still incredibly loud and I stop in the hall, glancing all around the house in an attempt to pinpoint Darren. I scan the living room, but he is not there, so I march into the kitchen with my eyes sharply narrowed. I am pissed off at him being here and for ruining my moment with Jaden, even if he doesn’t know it. As soon as I step foot inside the kitchen, I spot him.

  Leaning back against the counter with a beer in his hand, Darren looks almost out of place. He is a college sophomore and we are all high school seniors and even juniors, so he doesn’t exactly know anyone. The stubble he is suddenly sporting makes him look much older than the rest of us too, and his brown eyes flicker over to meet mine when he notices me enter. “Oh, hey,” he says casually, smiling as if he is oblivious to my rage. “I was looking for you.”

  “What are you doing here?” I spit, walking across the kitchen toward him. Will remains behind at the kitchen door, watching from afar, unwilling to get involved. I can’t blame him. Darren isn’t his problem; he is mine.

  “Looking for you,” Darren repeats with the roll of his eyes. He takes a swig of the beer he has helped himself to and then pushes himself away from the counter, stepping toward me, swinging the keys of his truck around his index finger. “I felt bad after what happened the other night.”

  His reply still doesn’t exactly explain why he has decided to show up here tonight, but at least he does have some sense to realize that he was wrong on Monday to use my vulnerability to his advantage. “So you should,” I mutter, folding my arms across my chest and giving him a challenging stare.

  “No,” Darren says, shaking his head at me. “I felt bad for you.”

  My eyes widen in surprise, taken aback. “Me?

  “Yep,” he says, taking another chug of the beer, finishing off the remainder. He tightens his fist around the can, crushing it and then carelessly tossing it behind him onto the counter. I hear Will sigh from the doorway. “I felt bad that you’ve shut me down one too many times, because now I’m pissed off at you, so I wanted to let you know that we’re done. I was good for you, but you don’t see it, so I’m not wasting my time with you anymore. I don’t even want to be friends.”

  Someone clears their throat from behind me, and when I glance over my shoulder, I see Jaden is standing by Will’s side at the door. He is closing up the top buttons of his shirt, and his expression is hard as he studies Darren intensely with narrow eyes. I don’t think he appreciates the interruption either, especially when it’s by my ex, of all people. “Is there a problem?”

  “No, Jaden Hunter, there isn’t,” Darren answers smugly, pivoting around me. He takes a few steps forward so that he is directly between Jaden and me, and then he shrugs. “At least not for me. You, however . . . Well, I’m guessing you have a lot of problems right now with the Holden thing. I’m surprised you’re even here, actually.”

  “What Holden thing?”

  My lips part wide as the color drains from my face. There goes that sickening punch-in-the-gut feeling again. Oh, God, no. Darren is unaware that I have yet to tell Jaden the truth, so now—intentionally or not—he has really put his foot in it. A long silence ensues as the music blares next door. The atmosphere thickens as confused glances are exchanged. Jaden is staring at Darren, awaiting an explanation, but Darren is thinking. Will looks at me with his brows drawn together and I know what he is wondering: He is wondering if there is something I know that he doesn’t, and there is.

  Darren glances back over to me, and his blasé, carefree act is suddenly gone. Now there is more to his expression: confusion and surprise, intrigue and amusement as he sweeps his gaze over me. Slowly, his eyes flicker back to Jaden. “Didn’t she tell you?”

  “Tell me what?” Jaden asks. His challenging expression has softened and his eyes dilate with worry, his forehead creasing. He takes several wary steps into the room and my heart shatters into pieces when his eyes meet mine. He expects an answer, but I can’t give him one.

  “Jaden,” I mumble, scrambling around the center island and pushing past Darren. I stop in front of Jaden, grabbing a fistful of his shirt and gently pushing him backward toward the door, desperate to get him out of here before Darren says something he shouldn’t. This isn’t how I want Jaden to find out the truth. Not here, not now. “Please just go back upstairs,” I beg. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

  “Oh, Kenz,” Darren says, and whistles sharply. He shakes his head in disbelief at me, but he cannot hide the pleasure in his voice and the amusement in his eyes. He casually strolls over to Jaden and me, propping his arm against the counter and watching us with a small smirk toying at his lips. “I thought you said my advice sucked, but apparently you’ve taken it on board. Decided to keep quiet after all, huh?”

  Jaden tenses up and firmly stands his ground in front of me, refusing to allow me to push him out of the kitchen. He grasps my wrist and holds it tightly against his chest. “MacKenzie,” he says firmly. He sounds impatient and irritated now, and never has he used my full name before. “What is he talking about?”

  “Yeah,” Will cuts in, moving toward us. He scratches the back of his neck. “What is he talking about, Kenzie?”

  Right that second, the back door opens and Holden enters the house, bringing with him a chilly breeze that blows into the kitchen. He has his head kept down and he wipes his feet on the doormat while sliding his phone into the pocket of his jeans. It appears he has been outside for some air, but he has chosen the worst possible moment to come back in. He shuts the door behind him and takes a single step forward, glancing up. That’s when he flinches, freezing on the spot as his dark eyes rest on Jaden. Then he looks at Will, and then Darren, and then me. He must read the panic in my expression, because he suddenly looks alarmed himself.

  “She’s keeping quiet about her good friend over there,” Darren loudly states over the music. His face is aglow from a mixture of beer and sadistic glee as he says, “Holden, why don’t you come on over here?” He motions him over, but Holden doesn’t budge.

  “Darren,” I say, pulling my wrist free from Jaden’s grip and spinning around to face him instead, my eyes pooling with desperation. He can’t do this. He can’t cause such chaos, such devastation, all because he is jealous, all because I chose to be with Jaden and not him. “Don’t,” I whisper. “Please. I’m not keeping quiet. I just haven’t had a chance to tell him yet!”

  “What, Kenz?” Darren says, widening his eyes as he stares back at me with a lack of compassion. “You didn’t think your boyfriend deserved to know as soon as you found out?”

  Jaden’s patience wears thin, because he heaves a sigh and snaps, “Can someone just tell me what the fuck is going on?”

  “Maybe Holden can,” Darren says. He cocks his head to one side and looks over my shoulder at Holden, who is still paralyzed on the spot over by the back door. Darren knows exactly what he is doing now, and the sickening part is that he appears to be enjoying the power he has over us all. “You’re most likely to tell the truth the best, aren’t you, Holden? You know, since you were the one that was there that night.”

  The same terror that was in Holden’s eyes on Monday is back again, only this time it is heightened. He looks at me, but he doesn’t have the time right now to get angry at me for telling Darren his secret. There are more urgent matters at hand. Slowly, he shakes his head, begging Darren with
his petrified gaze not to go any further, not to say anything more. “Darren . . . ” he murmurs, voice cracking.

  But Darren isn’t going to stop. He doesn’t want to. Instead, he steps back and dramatically glances back and forth between Holden and me, feigning shock. “Neither of you are going to tell him? Alright then.” He coughs, clearing his throat as he turns to face Jaden again.

  My blood runs cold and a numbness sets in as I realize how helpless I am right now. There is nothing I can do to stop the destruction that is about to occur.

  “Jaden,” Darren says, though suddenly the pleasure in the situation disappears, because he frowns and bites anxiously at his lower lip. “Man, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but . . . but your parents crashed because of Holden.” Here it comes: the truth. There is a split second of complete and utter silence when I close my eyes, shutting out the scene in front of me as everything goes still, when I don’t hear the music or my own breathing, but then almost as quickly as it had disappeared, the noise returns at full force, even louder than before. The music drills into my ears at the same time as Will inhales a sharp intake of breath, and then I hear it: I hear Dani’s voice weakly whispering, “What?”

  My eyes flash open again. Over by the door, Dani has appeared behind Jaden and Will, her jaw hanging open. She raises a trembling hand to cover her mouth and her electric- blue eyes flash with pain, crinkling at their corners. Dani is still fragile, and before she can hear any further explanation, she bursts into tears and spins around. My heart feels broken and heavy in my chest as I listen to the sound of her footsteps as she runs for the front door. I hear it open, but I don’t hear it shut.

  I am forced to look at Jaden. His eyes are wild with confusion and disbelief, but he isn’t looking at me. No, he is looking at Holden, staring across the kitchen as rage fills him. He shakes his head fast as his blue eyes narrow sharply, not with aggressive fury but with pained anger. The burning, searing type of anger. “Is this true?” he asks through gritted teeth. “Holden. You were there?”

  Holden is focusing on his breathing, but I think he may just collapse. He presses his hands to the edge of the counter for support, his back to us, his head hung low. He wasn’t ready to deal with this tonight. None of us were. “It was an accident,” Holden feebly states, but his words sound choked as he forces them out of his mouth. “It was an accident,” he repeats.

  “Holden . . . ” Will murmurs, but he doesn’t say anything else. He grabs a kitchen chair and sits down, exhaling.

  “What happened?” Jaden spits, demanding an answer. He barges Darren out of the way and storms straight past me, marching around the center island toward Holden. He grabs his shoulder and jerks him back from the counter, forcing Holden to look at him. “What happened?”

  But Holden can’t speak. He can’t open his mouth, he can’t do anything. All he can do is squeeze his eyes shut and shake his head. He can’t give Jaden the answers he needs right now, not in this state, not here, not like this. Jaden has no choice but to let go of him, and he turns back toward Darren and me, his cheeks flushed red. He runs his hand back through his hair, but he doesn’t stop walking. He keeps on going, straight on past me, straight out of the door without saying anything else. He doesn’t look at me, and that tells me everything I need to know: He is angry with me, and it’s at that point that the tears come. They break free as soon as I hear the front door slam, and I know I can’t let him go, not without explaining myself to him. My chest heaving, I turn for the door and am about to make a run after Jaden when Darren’s cold hand grabs my arm.

  “We’re done, Kenz. For good,” he states. He is sincere now rather than taunting, but he doesn’t appear to have any remorse for what he has just done. He tightens his hand around my arm. “And what was it that you said again? Oh yeah. If you keep this from him, he’ll never forgive you. Better start working on your apologies, and when it doesn’t work out, don’t come running back to me.”

  “You’re such an asshole! We’ve been done for months!” I spit. Yanking my arm free from his firm grasp, I press both my hands to his chest and shove him away from me. He has ruined everything, and I have to be quick to catch Jaden before he disappears. I need to salvage this. I leave the three of them behind in the kitchen and race down the hall. The music and the laughter and the voices from the living room echo in my ears. They’re still in there enjoying their night, oblivious to what just happened in the kitchen. Jess calls my name as I run past, but I ignore her and reach for the front door, pulling it open. The cool night breeze hits my face, cooling my tears, and as fast as I can, I search all of the cars parked up outside Will’s house until finally I spot Jaden storming toward the black Corolla.

  “Jaden!” I yell, running barefoot down the porch and across the crisp lawn. The ground hurts my feet, but I don’t care. I don’t expect him to stay, but I don’t want him to leave without hearing what I have to say first. “Wait! Please!”

  Jaden stops just before he reaches the car, spinning around so abruptly that my body slams into his. “You knew,” he hisses at me. The blue in his eyes is fierce and piercing, pooling with disappointment, pain and fury all at the exact same time. “You fucking knew, MacKenzie, and you didn’t tell me?”

  “I didn’t know how, Jaden! I was waiting for the right moment!”

  “There was never going to be a right moment to tell me something like this! You should have just fucking told me!” He exhales and looks up to the sky as though he is attempting to gather his thoughts, and then he glances back down and pulls open the car door to the passenger seat. Already inside and sitting in the driver’s seat, Dani is weeping. “God, Kenzie! What the hell were you thinking?”

  “I didn’t want to hurt you!” I scream at him, before I stifle a sob in the middle of Will’s front lawn, hot tears streaming down my cheeks. I didn’t want this to happen. I wanted the truth to come from me, not anyone else.

  “Just stay away from us right now,” Jaden murmurs as he slides into the car, looking back up at me with those eyes of his. The disappointment in them is the worst part. After everything, I have let him down. He reaches for the door, and just before he slams it shut, he says, “You’re good at doing that.”

  33

  It is just after 8AM, and I have been staring at Will’s ceiling for the better part of an hour. I’ve been restless, not just because of the uncomfortable blow-up bed on the floor, but because I can’t stop thinking about last night, repeating the events over and over again in my head. I’m furious at myself for telling Darren the truth on Monday, but at the time I never imagined it could have turned out like this. I never thought he could be so cruel.

  My head feels like lead, and I am not sure how much better Holden will be feeling this morning. Last night, after the Hunters and Darren left, he threw up twice while confessing the truth to a quiet, stunned Will. And it certainly wasn’t because of the two cans of beer he had drunk.

  The party had ended before midnight, and everything after the horrendous episode in the kitchen feels like a blur. Holden and I had sat upstairs, side by side on the floor in the hall, listening to the music. Neither of us wanted to go back downstairs. I was a mess, and cried until I ran out of tears. Holden had cursed at me for telling Darren everything. I had cursed right back at him for causing all of this in the first place. We cried, and then we yelled, and then we cried a little more. And when we’d both run out of steam we just sat there, numb.

  I feel eaten up now, as I am lying here, eyes sticky with mascara, morning sunlight filtering into Will’s room. I know it was an accident that night. I know Holden didn’t mean for any of this to happen, but I can’t help but keep thinking that this is all his fault.

  I hear Will heave a sigh, and in a quiet, raspy voice, he asks, “Are you guys awake?”

  “Haven’t slept,” Holden murmurs from the other side of the room.

  I didn’t know that they were both awake too. Pushing my blanket off me, I prop myself up on my elbows and cran
e my neck to look at them. Will is sitting cross-legged on his bed, rubbing at his eyes with the collar of his T-shirt. Holden is on the other blow-up bed, lying on his stomach, his chin resting on his folded arms. He is staring blankly at the wall.

  “I feel like shit,” I tell them, raking my fingers through my tangled hair. The room is far too warm and smells like boy, so I stand up and push open the window, leaning against the ledge as the fresh air drifts into the room. My headache hurts so bad that it is a struggle to keep my eyes open.

  “I hate to ask . . . ” Will warily begins, glancing between Holden and me. He leans back against his headboard and pulls his comforter up to his chin. “But what are we going to do?”

  Holden releases a muffled groan into his pillow and covers his head. I feel my blood boil as it becomes clear that he hasn’t got a plan. The situation may be complicated. It may be a mess. But it needs fixing, and it needs fixing fast. Darren’s escapade last night wasn’t exactly subtle, and I think it’s fair to say that none of us have any idea what will happen once this news gets out. I don’t see how Holden burying his head in his pillow is going to help matters.

  I sit down on the corner of Will’s bed, crossing my legs. “Yeah, Holden,” I say, looking down at him. “What are we going to do? This is your mess.” I massage my throbbing temples, then under my breath I mumble, “If you had just told the truth at the time . . . ”

  Holden shoots upright, throwing his hands up in exasperation at me, his dark hair ruffled and his eyes immediately brimming with angry tears. “I already told you! Do you even know the kind of shit I’d get into?”

  “Maybe you deserve to get into trouble,” I say, my voice matching the volume of his. “If it was your fault you should have just spoken up about what happened. You should have just paid the damn price, Holden, because you don’t get to keep this from the Hunters! Because telling the truth is the right thing to do!”